Even in our supposedly progressive modern age, far too many LGBTQ+ individuals are still afraid to come out to their friends and family.
More often than not, how their friends and family might react to this news is one of the main issues that scares them from coming out.
Not even how it will affect their relationships in the long term, but exactly how they will react in the moment.
The teenage son of Redditor Strange_Junket5418 hadn't come out to him yet.
Unfortunately for the poor boy, he instead let the news slip to the original poster (OP) on a recent car trip.
Sadly, the news being out in the open made the OP's son feel anything but relieved, as the OP's reaction instead prompted his son to head right back into the closet.
Reflecting on how he reacted to his son's news, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for how I reacted to my son's accidental coming out?"
The OP explained why his reaction to his son's coming out did not sit well at all with his son or daughter.
"My son and I are very close, and he trusts me and tells me everything."
"I've heard in detail about how soft his ex-gfs hair was, he tells me about drinking/smoking weed, and all his friends."
"He is the most loyal son I could ask for."
"His mother passed away 4 years ago, and he is very protective of me."
"My daughter (14) and my son (16) are on a road trip."
"When my son would take a picture with us, he'd always put on his leather jacket."
"I pointed that out, and he got embarrassed."
"Our daughter whispered to him, 'that is because Jared said he likes it', but he shushed her."
"I didn't think much of it, but later we were in the car, and my son kept asking to see my phone."
"His had recently broke."
"I kept joking. I wasn't going to give it to him, but he kept saying 'please' and giving me a sad face."
"I handed it over, and he absently said thanks, 'I need to text my boyfriend'."
"I said 'your bf?'"
"And he goes 'oh, no no, sorry, freudian slip, not bf, best friend, god' but I could tell from his reaction that he was freaking out."
"His sister in the backseat immediately goes, 'welp, guess that is out.'"
"To say I was shocked would be an understatement."
"My son just doesn't seem gay at all. He's a masculine guy."
"I'm not a bigot. I was just surprised is all."
"I said, 'Are you gay? What is going on?'"
"My daughter in the back said, 'Bi people exist, dad. I'm one too'."
"Now I'm even more surprised. She's a child."
"My son says, 'Well, maybe she's right, unless you find me to be a disgusting freak, then no.'"
"I didn't even know what to say."
"I said he didn't seem gay at all."
"My daughter yells in the back and says people don't seem gay."
"I said, 'sure, I guess. I'm just surprised'."
"He said 'I'm sorry for hiding this from you. I was just scared to say it'."
"I should have reassured him but instead I said I was disappointed. I thought he told me everything."
"He said I didn't want you to hate me. I'm sorry. I said, 'Well, who is this guy? Is he straight?'"
"He said dad I wouldn't crush on a straight guy, but he showed me a picture."
"The guy looks masculine too."
"He looks straight."
"It just struck me as an odd couple."
"I made a little fun of how long his hair was to relieve the tension."
"My daughter got onto me again, and I said look, I'm just not sure he's good enough for you."
"She said you are being so rude. You are old and mean."
"I started arguing that I wasn't being mean, but my son cut me off."
"He said seriously, both of you stop."
"Then he said, 'we got you dad, sorry, it was a prank. None of it was real'."
"I said no, it's okay, but he cut me off again and said really, it's fine, just forget it all happened."
"It was very uncomfortable after that."
"I tried again, but he told me to drop it."
"I told him he could have my phone to text Jared if he wants it."
"He was beaming when I gave him my phone, and I wanted him to be happy again."
"But he said no, it's fine. I looked at my phone to see his text to Jared that said 'I miss you so much' and I felt bad."
"I could have been more supportive, but I was surprised."
"AITA? Did I mess up?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community all but unanimously agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for the way he reacted to his son's accidental coming out.
While most people agreed that the OP clearly wasn't intentionally trying to hurt his son, everyone still found his reaction beyond insensitive. And he needed to apologize to his son immediately.
"Parent who made similar mistakes here."
"Handled 'the I am bisexual coming out fine' but did not see I am nonbinary coming."
"Made stupid comments, tried to deflect with jokes."
"In my head, my intentions were not bad."
"I just panicked."
"But here is the thing my (and your) intentions DO NOT MATTER."
"Your kids' perceptions and feelings do."
"Your kids gave you clear signals and full-on statements that you were going too far and being insulting and hurtful... and you kept going."
"That is where YTA."
"So now you can work to make it better."
"Apologize but also let your actions speak for you."
"Do not rely on your kids to educate you, but if they try- -shut up and listen."
"Read books."
"Challenge your outdated mindset."
"Change."
"If you are lucky, they will forgive you, and you can still have a good relationship."-ResolutionVisible743
"I think it's weird that you think a 14-year-old is a 'child' implying that they wouldn't have romantic or sexual feelings at that age."
"Don't you remember being 14."
"She's allowed to say she is Bi."
"Your only job in this realm is to protect them and be supportive."
"Make sure there are condoms in the house."
"Talk about STDs and how to get help if they need it."
"You can make this better."- One-Pause3171
"YTA."
"Even though your words seem ignorant rather than malicious, being an a**hole out of ignorance is still being an a**hole."
"In the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Twenty-Three, it should really not be surprising that a 14-year-old is capable of having an orientation, or that a boy could be 'masculine' or 'not look gay' (whatever that means) and still be gay or bi."
"Incidentally... did you know that the entire heavy metal aesthetic, which is generally considered a fairly 'masculine' aesthetic, was copied directly from gay club culture because Rob Halford of Judas Priest is very gay?"
"Just goes to show that concepts of 'masculinity' are contradictory at best."
"Obviously part of the responsibility for ignorance lies in the person who fails to seek out education and doesn't allow themselves to learn, but of course, part of the blame lies with the people and society who should have been teaching you these things too, because they failed you and they definitely failed your children."
"The fact that you have somehow managed to be so isolated from information about orientations when having children at that age is a huge failing of every structure that allows that situation to exist."
"But you have a chance to turn this around."
"You can learn about LGBTQI+ issues and make it up to your kids by actively seeking education on the matters that are critically important to them."
"Because that information will not passively arrive to you, as you've now learned."-AccountMitosis
"You smacked yourself in the face with every verbal rake in the yard with this one."
"Your kids seem super chill and like great communicators."
"You're not in that loop because you're letting your son be protective towards you, which isn't a cool dynamic to encourage with your kid."
"It means information is being kept from you for your own good, and this was clearly information they were both keeping from you."
"You need some family recalibration."
"I'm sure a large element of this is accepting that they're growing up, but every one of your responses seems to be along the lines of 'but you're not bi bi, right?'."
"Instead of trying to hash out any issues he had around his sexuality or use this as an opportunity to open up to you about it, he elected to drop it."
"Not because he doesn't seem to have a decent handle on the issue himself, but because he didn't want the bother of dealing with upsetting you."
"So that makes YTA."
"I think you could stand to take a beat and check in with how you really feel about this before you talk to yours kids about it again."
"Opening up a dialogue if it's just gonna be more of the same is gonna make things worse."
"Honestly, you could probably drop it and pretend the conversation never happened."
"Sounds like both of your children will accommodate you if you go this route, although you will continue to be left out of the loop until you're the one who's ready."- Such_Detective_6709
"YTA."
"I can see being initially surprised but, man, you took those scissors and kept running with 'em, didn't ya."
"Where exactly is this line, in your spectrum of masculinity, that determines a person's sexual preference?"
"You've obviously made homophobic remarks around your children in the past for both of them to be afraid to be open with you."
"You should really do some self-reflection!"
If there is any good news to be taken from these circumstances, it's that the OP doesn't seem to have an issue with his son being gay or bi-sexual.
Even so, the OP has shockingly outdated views of gender and sexuality, which are bound to result in more tense and uncomfortable conversations.
Hopefully, some civil discussions with his children might open his eyes, and broaden his horizons, and he will happily accept Jared into their family.
LGBTQ+ Youth can get help through:
- TrevorChat — 24/7/365 at https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/#services
- TrevorLifeline — phone service available 24/7 at 1-866-488-7386
- TrevorText — Text "START" to 678678. Available 24/7/365.
- TrevorSpace — online international peer-to-peer community for LGBTQ young people and their friends at https://www.trevorspace.org/
Trevor Support Center — LGBTQ youth & allies can find answers to FAQs and explore resources at https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/trevor-support-center/#sm.0000121hx9lvicotqs52mb1saenel
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.