Losing a loved one is never easy.
And the grief that follows loss is a difficult thing to navigate.
Sometimes that grief spills into every aspect of life.
Eventually, other loved ones find themselves affected by it.
Redditor ByNerea wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITAH for not forcing my fiancée to wear my father’s late wife’s wedding dress?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My father lost his first wife (I’m going to call her Mia) more than 30 years ago.”
“It is a very long and complicated situation, but to summarize it: my mother is the second on his heart because he’s always said that the love of his life is Mia, and he always made it clear.”
“My dad still wears his wedding ring with Mia in one hand, my mom bakes a cake for her birthday, my mom leaves my dad alone when it’s his anniversary with Mia, and he’s feeling down, there are many photos of Mia in the house, there are even photos of her in their room because my father never wanted to change them, etc.”
“As crazy as it may seem, this kind of thing is very normal within couples of this type, and they see that as something normal and sweet even if it is not. For example, making a cake every one of Mia’s birthday was the idea of another woman who is also married to a widower and does the same thing.”
“I’ve been raised that way, kind of having two mothers.”
“Even if it wasn’t like that.”
“It was not a healthy childhood, but luckily, I have gone to therapy to work on all the issues that this caused.”
“My mother always says that he gives her the space she deserves and feels equally loved like he loves his first wife.”
“My siblings and I don’t see it that way because our mother deserves better, but if she is happy, we will not ruin her happiness, so we never talk about it.”
“Now, coming to the problem; I’m going to marry my fiancée; her mother never had a wedding ceremony, so she doesn’t have a wedding dress to inherit.”
“So my girlfriend excitedly told me that she thinks it would be cute to ask my mother if she can use her dress.”
“My mom has mentioned that in the past, and I don’t have any sisters, so I thought it was a nice idea.”
“Anyway, I talked to my mom about lending her dress to my fiancée, and she got really excited and said yes.”
“My mother had spoken several times about wanting to have a daughter to wear her dress and she was very excited when my fiancée asked her to wear it, she even tried it on.”
“That conversation was closed.”
“Now, almost a month after we talked about it, my mom asked my fiancée if it would be nice to wear Mia’s wedding dress. “
“My fiancée told her no, she feels a connection with my mother and not with Mia. She doesn’t even know Mia.”
“After that, my mother has been asking me to try to convince my fiancée to wear Mia’s dress.”
“My father wanted me to put up the typical decoration to commemorate the deceased, but I told him I wouldn’t do that.”
“So my mother now wants my fiancée to wear Mia’s dress to commemorate her and for her to be present too because she was someone really special.”
“Again; I never met her, I don’t know who she was.”
“My fiancée told me that Mia is a total stranger to her.”
“My fiancée wants my mother’s dress. She wants to give her a special place at the wedding since my mother sees her as a daughter and she as a second mother and wants to have a special moment.”
“I told my mother that I don’t intend to do that. It even seems gloomy and weird to me, but I have been raised around Mia’s memory that sometimes I don’t even understand if I am exaggerating or not.”
“Being raised in this kind of way sometimes makes me feel confused about what is normal and not in a family, it would be normal to ask my fiancée to wear Mia’s dress in my family dynamic.”
“But I don’t know what someone who was raised normally would do and if I am a bad person for not wanting to have done it.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Why would your fiancee want to wear the dress of a woman neither you nor she has a connection?”
“No offense to your parents, but it’s a weird and creepy request, and your father wanting you to have some sort of in memoriam at your wedding to his deceased wife is odd.”
“Kudos to your parents for how they have managed to embrace your father’s loss and have a successful marriage but your wedding isn’t about your father’s loss of his first wife.”
“I can not imagine the look on your fiancee’s face when your mother suggested she wear your father’s deceased wife’s wedding dress.”
“I know my jaw would have dropped to the floor.” ~ Peony-Pony
“His very alive current wife, actual MOTHER of the groom, and F[uture]-M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] to the bride!”
“SHE is the one who should be honored, not a ghost of a person completely unrelated to ANY of them!
“OP’s dad is disgusting for pushing his grief and dysfunction on his whole family.”
“He needs help, and OP’s mom needs to stop enabling this utter nonsense.”
“It’s been long enough.”
“He never should have gotten remarried if he couldn’t put his loving wife and family first.”
“Dad’s a major AH.”
“OP is NTA.” ~ Lazy-Instruction-600
“You are right to feel this way.”
“From a side perspective, it looks very mentally unhealthy.”
“Your dad clearly hasn’t dealt with his grief in a healthy way.”
“It’s ok to remember deceased spouses.”
“Even have some mementos of them in the house.”
“But to always tell your mom that she will always be forever second to him and raising you in a way to think of his late wife as your second mom, is very disrespectful of him.”
“Moreover, even if your mom is ok with that, they both shouldn’t have involved you and your siblings in this mess.”
“And it’s a big fat mental mess.”
“What’s next?”
“You know that he will insist that your kids will also be included in this ‘forever funeral service’ for his first wife, right?”
“Are you ok with that?”
“As I see, your future wife, as any other normal person who will care for the mental health of her kids, will be clearly not.” ~ InsideRationalA
“There are less creepy ways to commemorate deceased loved ones without forcing people to wear their clothes.”
“Put your foot down about the dress.”
“Shut that s**t down HARD.”
“If you feel you need (and want!) to cater to your father’s grief to keep the peace, talk with your fiancé about what you are prepared to do (if anything). e.g. reserve an empty seat next to him during the ceremony.”
“This is YOUR wedding.”
“They are guests on YOUR terms.”
“Offer an alternative that you and your fiancé are comfortable with, and your father can take it or leave it.”
“If that’s not good enough for him, he’s welcome to wear Mia’s dress himself, not attend.” ~ pocketfullofdragons
“NTA for recognizing the toxic and delusional grief of your parents.”
“I’m sure your mom is not happy, but the more her kids stand up against having to hear about ‘Dad’s first love’ (which is just inappropriate to talk about SO often that the kids all know about this) the more your mom might realize how much she’s always been a stand into the life your dad wanted to have.”
“Your dad is just garbage.”
“He built a family and a life in bad faith and will never be able to be a healthy partner for anyone because he has escalated from grief to obsession.”
“You can just cut him off. He has no more heart left to give since he gives 99% to Mia and 1% to your mom.”
“Congratulations on your marriage.”
“This is your opportunity to frame your own life.”
“Don’t let your parents ruin this part with their mistakes. They’ve done enough already.” ~ Z_is_green13
“Tell your parents if they want to include the long-demised Mia in a wedding; they can renew their vows, and your mom can wear Mia’s dress.”
“She’s so invested in this Mia fairy tale that I’m surprised she didn’t wear Mia’s dress at her own wedding.”
“If it makes things easier, your parents could arrange to have Mia’s favorite song at the reception, and–no.”
“No enabling their sick fantasy.”
“No extending the Cult of Mia into your wedding.”
“If your parents refuse to attend, let them stay home with their pretend friend.”
“Have a lovely wedding.” ~ 13surgeries
“The answer to this and every post of its kind is no, you are NTA for declining to make your wedding about anyone other than you and the person you are marrying.”
“If your parents would like to conduct some sort of seance using your father’s late wife’s wedding dress, they should do so on a separate occasion.” ~ JHSMesq
“NTA. But your father is a controlling, unreasonable (slightly unhinged) complete AH.”
“You’ve had to endure this utter nonsense your entire life, and while your mother has accepted it, this is your time.”
“The beginning of a new chapter in both of your lives.”
“This ghost cannot be part of your future.” ~ AllInkalicious
“NTA. And I don’t understand this fixation on wearing old dresses.”
“My mom’s old dress was somewhere in the basement.”
“I never once thought of wearing it.”
“I wanted something in style, that fit me well.”
“Just say ‘We decided to buy a new dress that (fiancée) loves.'”
“Then buy it.”
“Your parents both need serious therapy.” ~ qtcyclone
“I feel so bad for your mother.”
“Unfortunately, if she’s content being second place to a dead woman even at her own son’s wedding, there’s nothing you can do. NTA.” ~ zjmhy
“NTA. You never met her, and your fiancée never met her.”
“You have nothing to commemorate.” ~ diminishingpatience
This is definitely a strange situation. Reddit is with you, OP.
This is your wedding. You and your fiancée get to do what you want to do.
It may be time for a serious talk with your parents.
They can feel however they want about Mia.
But they need to understand your feelings more.
Good luck.