Napping during the day is actually a cultural issue. Seen as laziness by some cultures, it’s a daily tradition in others.
In some cases, it’s a necessity.
A woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after conflict over her daily nap.
Ivorella asked:
“AITA for taking a 1 hour nap on days I work?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancée (35, nonbinary) has been giving me grief for taking a 45min-1hr naps before I (30, female) go to work each day. I work 2p-11p, they work 7a-3:30p and has a 4-year-old daughter who I watch while they work until I need to work myself.”
“They expect me to wake up at 6-ish to make her breakfast and be ready for the day. I normally don’t mind, but some days, if not every day I work, I need an hour nap.
“I get home around 11:30, stay awake for an hour, maybe an hour and a half because my body is wired from working. I have two days off and we nap together even sometimes (as does the little).”
“They’re starting to feel lonely, citing that I sleep EVERY day when I do not.”
“I currently am in therapy and see a psychiatrist to help with my alcohol addiction (I’m 2 months clean!) and my ADHD symptoms with impulse control and other issues.”
“I’m a sleepy girl. I don’t do it on purpose, and I’m not checking out because I feel they would be fine if I did. I literally will fall asleep sitting up if I am that tired.”
“They’re acting like I’m never awake/around….which work pulls me away a lot, but I barely hit 40 hours each week. Same as them. My schedule is set, and Friday/Saturday are my off days, while theirs are Saturday/Sunday.”
“I feel like sh*t for sleeping already, and that I have to sleep at all, but I wake up so early. I get maybe 6 hours each day pre-nap, if I’m lucky.”
“I spoke to my psychiatrist in case this is a side effect of my meds and she literally told me ‘get more sleep’.”
“Am I the a**hole for napping because my body is literally forcing me to?”
The OP later added:
“Partner works from home at a very relaxed job while I have to travel 30 mins both way to go to mine and its very pressure centered.”
“In case anyone cares here’s what they sent me at work today.”
OP then shared a message from their significant other that provided insight into their perspective.
“‘I feel sick everytime I want to try to talk to you about this again, not that I get a lot of opportunities’.”
“‘So I apologize that I’m writing this out while you’re at work. I’m not trying to fight or start any drama. I’m just laying it out’.”
“‘I feel incredibly lonely. I barely see you or spend any time with you and its not just because of your schedule. K is starting to talk about it to me too now.”
“‘There’s almost no point to you waking up with me. I’m still preparing her food and everything and you’re getting up to come lay down on the couch and put an ear bud in to watch videos on your phone until you fall back asleep’.”
“‘I do love you. So much. I kept hoping that you’d address the sleeping all the time thing in therapy or with the doctor who can give you medicine and itd improve. But you come home, you stay up (idk how long) but you sleep so much’.”
“‘I don’t feel like I can commit the rest of my life and start a family with someome who’s barely going to be present. I’m not asking to break up. I’m not calling off the engagement’.”
“‘I am saying I can’t see planning a date right now. Even when you’re awake, you’re on edge or off (since you dont like the word grumpy)’.”
“‘You shut me down when I was trying to play a silly reverse audio game and it made me real sad dude. Really sad. You gave attitude today when I tried to create a bonding moment with you and K with the crafting stuff’.”
“‘Everything seems to bother you or make you angry that isn’t on your phone screen and idk what to do about it anymore. So I’m here just pouring my heart out because what else can I do’.”
“And clarity? I did all the stuff (minus reverse audio, I make breakfast, I almost spend equal to more time with her. I’m just not a kid person outright, but I try.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“For sleeping when I need to, but sleeping when I should be awake watching their daughter.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!!! After working until 11:00 you’re supposed to wake up early to make breakfast for your partner’s daughter before your partner goes to a work from home job?”
“That’s a hella nope. My psychiatrist wouldn’t prescribe psych meds until my sleep was regulated.”
“NTA. I’m not sure what arrangements you have but it sounds like you are treated like a glorified live-in nanny.” ~ i_am_art_65
“NTA, but I think your partner is, they are not allowing you to have a full nights sleep and why are you making the breakfast, haven’t they got arms and legs?” ~ HuntAccurate9397
“What the f*ck are you doing getting up at 6am to make THEIR daughter breakfast when you work a 2nd shift job out of the house and they work a 1st shift job in the house? There is more wrong in this scenario than you taking a damn nap.”
“But also, as someone with multiple chronic illnesses, NTA in general for ANY adult taking a mid-day nap. That can be super helpful to get through the rest of the day.” ~ Scouthawkk
“Wait. If your partner is working a relaxed schedule from home WHY are YOU getting up at 6am with THEIR child?” ~ celticmusebooks
“NTA you need to take care of yourself and your health before you can take care of someone else. If they don’t want you taking naps they can wake up earlier, make breakfast, and bring her to a day care.” ~ Galaxy6611
“NTA. So let me get this straight. I’m gathering from the comments that your fiancé works from home. But needs you to make the kid’s breakfast a FULL HOUR before they have to what? Walk 15 steps to their desk?”
“It takes them a whole hour to make their own breakfast, which is so complex and labor intensive that they can’t also make their child breakfast before they ‘head to work’ in the next room? But they’re mad that 6 hours or less of sleep a night is not enough for you? Am I getting that right?”
“You are not the a**hole, but your partner certainly is. You’re being taken advantage of.” ~ cayjay00
“NTA. Your partner isn’t pulling their weight. They work from home. There’s no commute, no need for them to rush and absolutely 0 reason for you to wake up at 6am because they’re a lazy parent.”
“If they’ve got time to game (which they do), they’ve got time to be a parent. You need sleep. They do not need to make themselves a separate breakfast to then muck around doing nothing while they ‘get ready’ for their job that requires 0 travel and minimal effort.”
“And before you say ‘there is effort’, there’s a lot less effort for THEM than there is for YOU. I also WFH and, quelle surprise, manage to make breakfast for my children without burdening someone else with it because, again quelle surprise, I don’t have to leave the house. There’s no ‘getting to work’. They work where they live.” ~ Panaccolade
“NTA, tell them to get up instead or you’ll dump them. No relationship is worth the brain damage long term sleep deprivation gets you.” ~ Syeina
“NTA in any way shape or form. ‘Please get up after five hours of sleep to prepare my daughter for her day and watch her while I work in the next room before you go work a closing shift’.”
“No.”
“ESPECIALLY not in the early days of sobriety. Your body and brain are already in the middle of a pretty goddamn big adjustment, and if you want to be successful you need both of them to have time to recharge. (Also, congrats and keep it up!)”
“You are being taken advantage of in a massive way—yeah, if you’re going to be kiddo’s stepmom there is a buttload of work involved in parenting, but their ‘feeling lonely’ does not justify your sleep deprivation, and they can get up at six and make their and kiddo’s breakfast at the same time.”
“Like, even WITH an hour nap you’re still digging a sleep debt hole, and if you’re passing out sitting down Your Body Is Telling You Something.” ~ indiegeek
“NTA, you’re sleep deprived. People don’t understand second and third shift workers. They still need to sleep. Why can’t they make the breakfast since they can go to bed at a normal hour?” ~ softballpants
“You wouldn’t need to nap or be ‘grumpy’ if you slept a full night’s sleep. There is no way in hell you should be getting up to make them breakfast at 6am. WTAF‽
“Partner get breakfast for THEIR child, get her settled, and you come watch her when you wake up at a reasonable time, like 8 or 9. You are being very taken advantage of here.” ~ hmph1910
It sounds like the OP and their fiancée have some important things to discuss.