An accusation of infidelity can end a marriage.
So it shouldn’t be made lightly.
A man accused of cheating by a friend of his wife turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback on a decision he’s making, posing a “Would I Be The A**Hole” (WIBTAH) question to the AITAH subReddit.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
WTF_ImDRUNK asked:
“WIBTAH for asking my wife to end a friendship that is clearly toxic to our marriage?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Yesterday I had a funeral to attend. It was a little more than 3 hours away.”
“When returning, I was going through the small town where my wife and I went to college, as did my brother and sister. My sister still lives in the college town, so on the way back, I texted and asked if she wanted me to take her to lunch.”
“Probably need to point out that little sister is 8 years younger and looks nothing like her 4 brothers. She is 5 feet tall, tiny, and has a youthful look. The rest of us are over 6 feet and ‘healthy’.”
“So I just left a funeral for a friend and wanted a drink. Sister couldn’t because of how close we were to her office, but did sneak a sip or two of mine when ‘the coast was clear’.”
“After I hugged my sister goodbye, I jumped in the truck to get on a conference call for the rest of the trip. That’s the background.”
“About 30 minutes from home, I’m on the call in the truck and get a text from my wife saying, ‘Holy shit, Karen is here, and it’s crazy, call when you can’. Karen is a close friend of my wife for many years.”
“I’ve never had issues with Karen, but it’s my wife’s friend, not mine, so we are not really close. She also lives in our old college town. You can see where this is going right?”
“My call ends a few miles from home, so I don’t call; I just go home. When I get home, Karen is trying to convince my wife that I have a girlfriend in our college town.”
“She is trying to get her to leave the house and take our 15 and 13-year-old daughters with her. Apparently she saw me eating lunch with my sister and thought it was a girlfriend.”
“My wife said she was talking a mile a minute and wouldn’t let her get a word in. Calling me names and making wild accusations.”
“Just before I walked in, my wife finally got to ask if it was my sister I had lunch with, showed a picture of her, and that started to calm things down. When she realized she had freaked out over nothing, she left right after I got home.”
“I only encountered Karen for maybe a minute, and at that time, my wife was making her leave. All the info I have about what happened came from my wife and daughters.”
“My wife told me about the things Karen was saying, and it was obvious Karen hates me and wants my wife to leave me. Details will take too long, but it was many easily refuted accusations that made no sense to my wife.”
“My issue is that she made all the accusations in front of my girls, and that is completely unacceptable. My wife is very upset with her friend, and I’m mad as hell.”
“Karen apparently hates me, and that can’t be tolerated for someone so close to my wife. If more details are needed, I’ll happily provide.”
The OP later added:
“My wife doesn’t know what to do right now—we are both still in shock at the things Karen said. I know ultimatums are never good, but I can’t express how mad I am at the things she said in front of my girls.”
“I don’t want to ever see Karen again. I don’t want Karen near my girls ever again.”
“I would prefer she never be around my wife again. I just don’t know if that’s something I can ask of my wife.”
“Also, the things Karen said were overblowing small things. Like, apparently she said I work too many hours for so little pay, so I must be cheating.”
“My wife said the only thing Karen was told when I changed jobs is that I took a small pay cut, and am working more hours. But I have a better chance at a partnership here than my previous job, and the last job was full of horrible people.”
“My wife doesn’t badmouth me, or anyone for that matter. So I know she’s not repeating things my wife said to her.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to never want to see Karen again (NTA).
“It would shock me if your wife wanted to continue a friendship with a woman who acts like that.” ~ No_Secret_4560
“Obviously, Karen has to go, and the wife may actually agree, once they discuss. NTA.” ~ jrm1102
“Giving an ultimatum is never good. But you can set clear and concise boundaries, like:”
“‘I do not want Karen in our home or invited to any event we host’.”
‘I do not want Karen around our children due to her loose lips about a parent’.”
‘You can hang out but at another location’.”
“I had to set these with my spouse after their friend verbally and almost (it was stopped) physically attacked me. I’ll never tell them who they can and cannot be friends with, but I can set firm boundaries for myself and our kids.”
“My spouse responded positively, and we have been 100% no contact with that former friend for 6 years now.” ~ TelevisionMaximum339
“I had a friend who was rude to my husband. She is no longer my friend. Being disrespectful to my husband is being disrespectful to me. He never had to ask.”
“Give your wife time to process. I’m sure she will make the right decision. If she ever asks your opinion, tell her you don’t want Karen to be around you and especially your children.” ~ Enough-Pack7468
“Just collect your thoughts for a bit. Your wife will likely sort out her crazy friend, and you don’t have to do anything.”
“If it becomes a repeated pattern and she won’t be reasoned with, then you can chat about if the friendship is healthy.”
“But ultimately, you can’t control who your wife is friends with. She’s on your side right now, so take a step back and keep it that way.” ~ Bean-So-Mean
“NTA, but take a breath and a minute. You just came back from a funeral and lost someone.”
“An ultimatum usually has the opposite effect. I would simply state that you are uncomfortable around her now that you know her true feelings and do not feel comfortable with her in your home and around your kids after the unnecessary display of hostility.” ~ Longjumping-Quail122
“I think you need to stress to your wife how incredibly inappropriate Karen was to freak out (over nothing) in front of your children.” ~ Immer_Susse
“Talk to your wife. It’s one thing for a friend to try to protect her. It’s another thing for that friend to make wild accusations (you weren’t showing any passion with your sister), to explode in front of your kids, to try to take control of the ‘escape’ and such.”
“This isn’t what friends do. They don’t relish bad news like this. They don’t plan a coup. They listen, they sympathize, and they ask the wife—’what do you want to do?’.”
“She didn’t just misconstrue what she saw; she filtered it through her own anxiety or experiences or desire to bust up your marriage so she has a long-lasting friend in the trenches.”
“This woman is dangerous. What is she going to do now that she’s learned it was truly innocent? Make up lies about incest? Follow you around to “catch” you? Make up pure lies to get the outcome she so desperately wants?”
“This is why your wife should be cautious with this person.”
“Not simply because what she did (as horrible as it was) but what she’s capable of doing again and again.” ~ Hammingbir
“NTA. You say your wife was pissed off by her friend’s behavior, too. Don’t take a dictatorial stance about this, but do ask your wife to sit down and discuss the matter with you.”
“Tell her you’d prefer that she go low or no contact with the so-called friend. And also voice your concern that the woman involved your children in her paranoia and meltdown.” ~ Lilylake_55
The OP provided an update:
“At dinner tonight, I asked what we thought about Karen. Oldest daughter immediately said she wants nothing to do with her. My other daughter and wife agreed, I obviously did too.”
“After the girls went upstairs, my wife said she would figure out how to cut her out. She still doesn’t understand where the insane vitriol for me came from.
“It was the fact that she did this so loudly and insistently in front of the girls that my wife is angered about.”
“So Karen is out, and I’m happy, and I didn’t have to do anything really. Love my wife and girls, they are all amazingly smart and mature.”
OP got some good advice about calmly discussing the matter with his wife.
In the end, it turned out he and his wife were on the same page.