A lot of parents are asking whether their children's photos should be on social media.
Is it safe? Is it fair to their children who haven't consented to being displayed publicly? Who gets to decide?
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict with their ex husband over their children's photos.
Its-brittany-betch asked:
"AITA for asking my ex husband's girlfriend to stop posting our kids on social media?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (33, female) have asked multiple times that my ex husband (32, male) ask his girlfriend to stop posting our kids on social media. Every ask has been met with lots of conflict and arguing."
"My favorite line is him claiming I'm being controlling."
"Here's some back story for y'all. We were together for 11 years, married for 6, we have two kids together and he helps raise my oldest."
"We've been separated since last Halloween and divorced fully since May. Ex husband and his girlfriend have been together since February, she met my kids about 10 days after she met him and has been in their lives ever since."
"He met her online January 30th, they went on their first date February 3 or 4, he moved out of my house February 7 or 8, and was introduced to her kids February 10 and my kids February 20."
"They then moved in together in May and the excuse they used to have the kids meet each other so soon was not being able to have the kids around was affecting them on having time get to know each other."
"They live together and she seems to really love my kids. I don't really have a problem with her, except she continues to post my kids on social media with captions that make me and my family members extremely uncomfortable."
"I don't post my kids on social media often, and when I do it's a couple pictures and it's private just fun updates for long distance family. She's posting 60-70 pictures at a time and frequently, with captions like 'our girls'."
"She also doesn't like that I post about the things my ex husband did to me through our relationship so she has my Facebook blocked so most of these posts are being shown to me by close family and friends who see it and are uncomfortable."
"I only post memes about cheaters and liars. He's mad cause the boot fits. I have him blocked now so he can't see it anymore."
"My ex husband thinks I'm just trying to be controlling and refuses to do anything about it."
"She's posting it publicly hence my family being able to see it and tell me about it. That's been the main issue, but also that she's known my kids for a handful of months and is trying to erase me…."
"And I feel bitter, but at the same time as their mother I have to protect them! It's super conflicting."
"I'd be OK with it if she wasn't just a girlfriend who's known them for a handful of months and she wasn't doing it every day and that many pictures."
"I've posted my children 6 times this year in private posts for friends and relatives. Their birthdays, Halloween, vacation, and Santa's village. She's posted them publicly 18 times this month."
"Am I the a**hole for asking for these posts to be removed and for her to stop posting them?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I've been called controlling and an a**hole because I've asked that posts about my children on my ex husband's girlfriend's social media be removed."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Talk to a family lawyer. Ask if there's a possibility of adding a clause that his girlfriends may not post their children's faces to social media as it is a safety concern."
"That's where you should start." ~ WhatTheActualFck1
"NTA for your request, but I don't think even a judge would grant your request. You both will have to stop posting or you will just waste your time." ~ Distinct-Session-799
"There's a new ad on Irish TV about the dangers of posting your kids online that's getting traction abroad:"
"It's very powerful. You could show it to your ex as a reason why you don't want photos of them up on social media."
"Personally, I think kids are little individual humans that have a right to their own privacy." ~ Historical_Step_6080
"Most digital photos have exif data. Exif data can consist of the device used to take the photo, the time and date the photo was taken, and, most dangerously, the gps coordinates of the location where the photo was taken."
"Say that there's a guy named Mr. Creepy. Mr. Creepy is on Facebook- just scrolling through until he sees a Mom with a toddler that has a public profile with lots and lots of photos."
"If Mom has a lot of photos of home? The Exif data reveals where she lives."
"If Mom has a lot of photos of a park where she takes her toddler? Mr. Creepy can pull the exif data to find out the location of the park and, oh, the dates and times show that Mom goes to the park with her toddler every Saturday at 9am."
"Mr. Creepy can then go to park at 9am on a Saturday and snatch the toddler when Mom turns around for just a minute." ~ Emotional-Sign8136
"This is exactly why I don't post pictures of my kids, and no one else is permitted to do so either. I've also denied permission for the schools to share their names or images, both online and in marketing materials."
"OP, NTA for the request but seeking legal advice is your best option here. I'd expect to be advised to take stuff down yourself, before bringing social media into a formal/legal discussion."
"I'm truly sorry to hear you've had some tough times and have needed to share that story—but in this situation, they've got it as evidence that you've posted about him/them and could potentially use it against you." ~ SecretiveBerries
"It isn't appropriate for her to post pictures of your children. She isn't their mother. That their own father doesn't see the potential risks shows he is more concerned about keeping the new supply happier than protecting his children."
"But you already KNOW he has poor judgement. Anyone who introduces a new partner to their children after knowing that person less than two weeks has exceptionally poor parental judgement." ~ NooOfTheNah
"NTA, posting kids online in a public forum is a two yes decision (from parents, NOT step parents/partners). That's not negotiable. When the kids are older it very quickly becomes a three yes decision."
"Also, stop posting sh*t about your ex online. Really, stop now, delete stuff that you can find. Marks you out as an arsehole. But that's not the question you asked."
"My ex treated me like sh*t before she left. I haven't posted a single unpleasant thing about her in the 6 years since she did. I never will." ~ unwilling_viewer
"Honestly I would file an amendment in court that includes social media blackout for everyone. No one posts the children on social media, period."
"Get a family app where everyone can be part of the fun updates, but they are not on social media for the world to see. In this day and age it's a safety issue." ~ Ok-Slip-2856
"I don't even post pictures of my OWN kids without their permission, let alone someone else's. And calling a kid 'ours' when you've only been dating someone for a few months is crazy. NTA." ~ JurgusRudkus
"As someone without any social media (except Reddit), who works with children everyday, and would never even consider posting pictures of any children online anywhere… it is NOT about predators."
"It's about privacy, and the fact that children cannot reasonably consent to having their images shared online forever. Kids find that kind of thing extremely embarrassing by the time they're teenagers."
"Their autonomy and decisions matter too. I don't think anyone should be posting pictures of children, including their parents, but that's just me." ~ FigFiggy
"I feel like some of these comments don't understand how unsafe it is in this day and age to be posting THAT MANY photos of children that often. Pay attention to the save to like ratio of her posts. NTA." ~ mitsakesweremade
"NTA. Kids do not belong on social media. Full stop. Not your own, not your friends, and not your stepkids." ~ Schlumpfine25
"NTA. You have a right to protect your children's digital privacy and set boundaries regarding their public image, especially with a new partner."
"Posting 'our girls' and sharing dozens of photos after a few months is overstepping, and your concerns about safety and parental roles are valid, not 'controlling'." ~ eliteautosound-sales
Finally, a legel take was shared.
"OK, I feel like I have a different perspective. Everyone is getting caught up in the do kids belong on social media debate and I just don't think that's actually the issue here."
"I'm a family law attorney. The hardest part of coparenting is accepting that (barring some court order saying otherwise) the other parent gets to make parenting decisions during their parenting time."
"Your ex is their dad. He doesn't have to agree with you about social media. He is an equal parent (again, barring a court order that says otherwise). So if he, on his parenting time, says the girls can be in photos and the photos can be on social media, then you don't have a say over that."
"You can express your feelings to him. You can ask that he change his mind. But you cannot make him change his mind. YTA." ~ myshellly
The OP got conflicting advice. Which they'll take isn't clear, but weaponizing children or social media after a divorce is never a good idea.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp