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Dad Wants To Cut Daughter Off Financially After She Says She Won’t Care For Him In Old Age

Man cutting up a credit card
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We’ve all had a loved one date or marry someone that we didn’t like, whether it was an unsavory new in-law or a questionable boyfriend.

But children not liking their new stepparent is unfortunately common, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, and can cause huge rifts in the family.

Redditor Virtual-Cup-5932 knew that his ex-wife and daughter did not like his new wife, but he only recently realized how severe their feelings toward her were.

When his daughter started disrespecting his new wife and their home, the Original Poster (OP) realized he had to set new boundaries with her.

He asked the sub:

“WIBTAH (Would I Be the A**hole) for financially cutting off my daughter after she told me not to expect her to care for me in my old age?”

The OP was aware that his daughter and ex-wife did not like his second wife.

“My (44 Male) daughter (23 Female) does not get along with my wife (44 Female). We have been married two years. My daughter’s mother and I got divorced, amicably, 12 years ago. My wife and I got together when my daughter was at college.”

“My ex-wife doesn’t like my wife, and I have a feeling that is the biggest part of it. My daughter can’t really seem to point to what she doesn’t like, just general ‘she is a stuck-up b*tch’ or ‘she always has an attitude.’ My ex-wife and daughter are generally both more crass in nature, and my wife is not, and I think they despise that about her.”

But he only recently realized how much his daughter disrespected his home.

“My daughter recently graduated, and we have been helping her pay bills here and there as she looked for a job in her field. We usually give her around 1,000 dollars per month.”

“Recently she was at our house, and she and my wife got into an argument over my daughter leaving a mess in the kitchen after she made herself something to eat.”

“In the past, if my wife or I have said anything about her messes, she would say stuff like, ‘God, let me eat!’ or ‘I was going to!’ so my wife left it (I wasn’t aware at this point) to see if she would do it on her own.”

“When my daughter said she was leaving, my wife told her she needed to clean up.”

“My daughter said she said she was in a rush, so my wife told her she should have done it before then. My wife then asked if she just expected her to clean up after her.”

“Then I stepped in, and when I understood what was going on, I told my daughter she needed to do it.”

“My wife asks her to respect her home, which I don’t find unreasonable. My wife asked her not to talk about her sex life, not leave a mess, not be rude, and not cuss.”

“As I tried to diffuse things, my daughter started screaming that I was a piece of sh*t for siding with my wife and that she was going to remember this when I am older and need her.”

“This floored me. At this point, I just walked away.”

The OP decided it was time for a change.

“I don’t leave my daughter and my wife to ‘hash it out,’ but my daughter does have a key to our house, and I’m not there to monitor everything. She a lot of times comes over for food or to do laundry, and I wasn’t aware of just how disrespectful she’s been.”

“After giving it some thought, I realized I don’t want my future to be in the hands of someone else, especially someone who intends to lord that over me.”

“I would never place the expectation on her to care for me, but I do feel like since she has made it clear that any support from her in my old age would come with strings, it makes more sense to invest that money, so that my later years will be paid for.”

“So, WIBTA if I redirect that 1,000 a month into my retirement vs helping my daughter?”

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole” –    dfsadfsdfddddd
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some felt this was a great example of biting the hand that feeds you.

“NTA. She called you a piece of sh*t while you’re paying 1,000 per month in bills for her. The audacity! My parents gave me nothing during college and after!” – puzzleheadededer

“She sounds extremely ungrateful. Cut her off immediately and indefinitely. She’s got a college degree. Time to grow up. Now you can show her what a real piece of s**t you can be.” – Tashaaaa2021

“NTA. I do not want or expect anybody to ‘take care’ of me in my old age, but her general attitude would be the end of any financial support.”

“You simply do not bite the hand that feeds you.” – BlueGreen_1956

“She is a 23-year-old with a degree and no debt and no respect.”

“I’m not one for parents who say ‘my money, my choice, I will threaten to take away her tuition.'”

“But in this case, she is well set in life. $1000/month is an extremely generous gift. Cutting her off from a gift is completely fine.” – whatdid-it

“NTA. Sounds like that $1,000 a month would be better spent ensuring you’ll have a decent standard of living later on, since she doesn’t want to be there for it.” – Currentminewetwg

“She’s an adult and a college graduate. With the disrespect she has shown to you and your wife, cut her off. Just tell her you’re putting that money towards your old age care. NTA.” – minilovemuffin

“This is what I would do. Say, ‘Since I can’t count on you, I need to invest in my retirement.'”

“That’s what everyone should be doing anyway. Kids aren’t a retirement plan. You have any idea how many retirement homes are full of people who never see their kids again?”

“A solid eight out of ten of them never get visited. And the ones who do get visited are only on special occasions like Christmas. Just my anecdote from volunteering at old people’s homes.” – Moonlit_Antler

Others agreed and said the OP’s daughter had a lot of growing up to do.

“So your daughter made a mess, your wife told her to clean it up, and she refused, and then she got butt-hurt about it? You raised a winner there, OP! NTA.” – Strange_Pop_3673

“NTA. It sounds like the daughter still has a lot of growing up to do and needs to form her own opinions outside of her mother’s. Then she might be able to actually express them since she will have formed them herself.”

“OP doesn’t actually expect his daughter to take care of him. He is reacting to the sentiment behind what she said which is, ‘If you need me in the future, I will not be there for you, because how dare you be there for your wife,’ which is a really s**tty to say to someone you are supposed to care about no matter what your relationship with each other is.”

“So she’s going to have to deal with the consequences, which seems very appropriate.” – kimdeal0

“The daughter is old enough to clean up after herself. She needs to learn how to be financially responsible now. NTA.” – Express_Leading_4840

“My parents’ deal was always that they would never give us monthly cash, but if we ever needed to live with them, we had a bedroom and food for free, no questions asked.”

“I lived with them for a bit, and while we had our fights occasionally, I would NEVER threaten them with anything like OP’s daughter. When I did move out, I joked with my mom that I needed to live alone for a few decades until she had to move back in with me.”

“OP is NTA.” – aka_chela

“I’ve gotten a lot of financial support from my parents over the years. ESPECIALLY fresh out of grad school, looking for work that could actually pay the bills. Know what I never did/do? Act as if I expect it.”

“I’ve asked for money ONCE (a large property transaction, so more of an investment), and I never, ever, say a word about anything else or act like I just expect a handout.”

“And I never do things I know would offend or anger them because they’d have EVERY right to say, ‘Yeah, you’re on your own.'” – jquailJ36

“OP, she’s young and said it in the heat of the moment while feeling rejected in a place where she already dislikes 50% of the household so perhaps allow her a little grace.”

“A little. Like $50 worth. Or … NOT dropping her off your cell phone plan…”

“Good for you for standing by your wife (who, incidentally, was in the right) and not engaging with the attention-seeking fit of an entitled ADULT who needs to grow up!”

“For what it’s worth, I’d tell her. I’d tell her (without anger or attitude) just the facts, ‘I have to plan more extensively for my golden years so I can no longer subsidize your life.'”

“She needs to start living in the adult world where words and actions have consequences. Starting with this right here.” – Wild_Code_5242

The subReddit agreed that it was clear that the OP needed to focus on caring for himself and his wife since his daughter and ex-wife were clearly not part of their support system.

Perhaps the OP would be able to reevaluate once the daughter started to grow up more and experience ideas and beliefs that were separate from her mother’s.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan has been a part of the George Takei family since 2019 when she wrote some of her favorite early pieces: Sesame Street introducing its first character who lived in foster care and Bruce Willis delivering a not-so-Die-Hard opening pitch at a Phillies game. She's gone on to write nearly 3,000 viral and trending stories for George Takei, Comic Sands, Percolately, and ÜberFacts. With an unstoppable love for the written word, she's also an avid reader, poet, and indie novelist.