The relationships between step-parents and step-children are very delicate.
All step-parents try to make an effort to love their stepchildren as if they were their own, and hope that their stepchildren will do so in return.
However, in cases of divorce, they also don’t want to replace or overshadow their stepchildren’s actual parents, ideally having a strong, healthy relationship with them as well.
As a result, many stepparents and stepchildren make an effort to set boundaries to keep their relationship healthy.
Of course, not all boundaries are easily kept.
Redditor ImpossibleScallion12 had a strong relationship with her stepdaughter, all thanks to the understanding that she was not her parent, but instead a new adult role model figure in her life.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)’s relationship came to a head after her stepdaughter accused her of prioritizing her own biological child over her.
Concerned this might be the case, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for putting more effort into decorating my son’s room than my stepdaughter’s?”
The OP explained how her son and stepdaughter’s newly decorated rooms ended up causing a rift in her relationship with her stepdaughter:
“I (40 F[emale]) have been with my husband (43 M[ale]) for several years.”
“He has a daughter (13 F[emale]) from a previous relationship.”
“When we started dating and I was introduced to her, he made it very clear that she already had parents and didn’t need another one—what she needed was an advocate and mentor.”
“I was absolutely fine with that and have always tried to respect those boundaries.”
“For the most part, our relationship is good.”
“She’s a great kid.”
“Now, we also have a son together (3 M[ale]).”
“He’s my first and only biological child, and I had wanted him for a very long time.”
“Here’s the issue:”
“I had a very specific vision for my son’s room that I’d planned well in advance.”
“I painted two ombre walls that go from grass green to sky blue and transition into a dusty blue ceiling covered in glow-in-the-dark stars.”
“His ceiling light has a sun-shaped lampshade, and his nightlight is a moon.”
“He has a Montessori-style floor bed designed to look like a tent, a grassy rug, a ball pit that looks like a pool, tree trunk–shaped toy chests that double as chairs and a table, and a tree-shaped bookshelf.”
“I paid for all of this myself.”
“When it came to my stepdaughter’s room, we asked her what she wanted.”
“She said she wanted a reading nook, so we created one with a small round mattress, a ton of cushions in her favorite colors, and a mosquito net canopy.”
“She chose her wall colors (solid block shades), and we did the room together.”
“We split the cost 50/50.”
“The rest of the furniture in her room was purchased by my husband before I came into the picture, and he doesn’t see any point in replacing it since it’s still in good condition.”
“As a result, I didn’t have much say in that space.”
“Recently, after seeing my son’s room fully set up, my stepdaughter got upset.”
“She said I clearly put way more effort into his space than hers and accused me of playing favorites because he’s ‘actually mine’.”
“I tried to explain that I didn’t want to overstep when it came to her room and that she made most of the choices herself.”
“But now she feels hurt and like I don’t care as much about her.”
“I do feel guilty because I can see how, from her perspective, it looks unfair.”
“But I also don’t know how to navigate doing more without violating the boundaries my husband and I set early on.”
“I’m not her parent, and I didn’t want to push decisions onto her room.”
“At the same time, I now wonder if I should have tried harder or been more involved.”
“So Reddit… AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for putting more effort into her son’s room than her stepdaughter’s.
Everyone agreed that the OP gave her stepdaughter exactly what she wanted, with others pointing out that she was doing exactly what she agreed upon with her husband by staying in her lane, but her husband wasn’t being nearly enough of a present father to her.
“NTA, but your husband is.”
“Why are you pitching in for the costs of your stepdaughter’s room, but he’s not paying anything for his son’s room?”
“And why is he leaving you to take the blame on this?”- balconyherbs
“Your husband needs to do ALL the work on this & take full responsibility for how he requested you treat his kid.”
“He f*cked up.”
“You didn’t.”
“NTA.”- West_House_2085
“NTA.”
“Tell your stepdaughter you went with your vision for 3 year olds room.”
“With her room, you went with her vision.”
“Ask her what else she wants done?”
“Some fairy lights or a theme could really elevate the room.”- completedett
“NTA.”
“13-year-old girls are 13-year-old girls.”
“If you want her not to feel that way.”
“Take her shopping and let her pick her own things.”
“I wouldn’t take it personally.”
“She has been the only kiddo for a long time and probably feels like her 3-year-old brother gets all the attention.”- Classic-Delivery3875
“NTA.”
“Your husband needs to step in and help make it clear that you were given and are respecting boundaries and that if anyone has been lacking in effort it is him.”
“Then you can all problem solve together.”
“This is a chance to strengthen your family unit.”- KikiLake
“NTA.”
“Obviously, when you decorate a toddler’s room, you have more of a direct input; it’s not like you shot down her suggestions either.”
“That said I don’t think it’s about the room but the daughter’s (understandable) insecurities as the stepdaughter.”
“What she needs is reassurance, that may come in the form of some redecorating or in other ways.”
“This caught my attention, though.”
“‘He made it very clear that she already had parents and didn’t need another one—what she needed was an advocate and mentor. I was absolutely fine with that and have always tried to respect those boundaries’.”
“To put it bluntly, those aren’t his boundaries to set; they should be hers.”
“Have you had an honest discussion with her about how she sees you?”
“What she wants?”- BingDingos
“NTA.”
“If your stepdaughter doesn’t like her room or feels she was treated unfairly, she needs to talk to her dad.”
“He’s her parent, and he is the one responsible for handling this, per your agreement.”-Runns_withScissors
“NTA.”
“Your husband needs to take the lead and explain the requests he made of you regarding your relationship with her.”
“He put you in this position, so he needs to bring you out of it.”- wesmorgan1
“NTA.”
“But your husband is.”
“He is the one who should have been handling his daughter’s room.”
“You shouldn’t have even paid for anything in there as you’re not her parent and he’s made that very clear.”
“So since you aren’t and he is, why is he not handling this situation?”
“He should be defending you to his daughter and help make it right for her by doing whatever changes she apparently now wants.”- legeekycupcake
“NTA.”
“It was nice of you to go 50/50 on your stepdaughter’s room because of how clear your husband made it that you stay out of parenting decisions related to his daughter.”
“He is the one who needs to talk to her about her room, not you.”
“You can help her redecorate, but your husband needs to be responsible.”- springflowers68
“NTA.”
“And her dad needs to handle this.”
“He needs to tell her that HE didn’t see the point in new furniture and that she is the one who designed the room herself.”
“She is 13 and old enough to say what she wants.”
“He also needs to explain the limits he put on you.”
“Which in my option were wrong.”
“I parent the kids in my home whether I birthed them or not.”
“My husband parents the kids in our home whether they share DNA or not.”
“Dad is also the AH for letting you fully pay for your son’s room and then expecting you to pay half for his daughter’s room.”
“You can’t be a mother figure but you can pay for her room.”
“Not how that works.”- SinglePermission9373
There were a few, however, who understood why the OP’s stepdaughter may have felt hurt, even if they still agreed that the OP didn’t do anything wrong:
“Idk it’s not about who is right or wrong.”
“I think the stepdaughter is upset bc she probably wanted something cool but doesn’t know how to make that vision happen.”
“Maybe just sit down with her and help her realize that vision.”
“It could be a good bonding moment.”
“Some of us don’t have a good eye for this stuff and need some help.”
“Especially a teenager.”
“And your husband should pay one hundred percent.”
“NAH.”- Both-Enthusiasm708
It’s clear that by staying in her lane and not trying to replace or become her stepdaughter’s mother, the OP managed to maintain a strong relationship with her.
When a new child comes into play, jealousy and sibling rivalry are almost guaranteed to come in tandem, no matter how old the children are.
Based on everything that went down, though, one can’t help but wonder if perhaps the OP’s stepdaughter does need another parent, given her father’s apparent lack of involvement in her life…