Cooking duties can be assigned based on cultural practices and are often tied to accepted gender roles.
Although that is changing as gender roles relax or get redefined, many households still have a single primary cook. But even if that primary cook loves their role, being helped out is always appreciated.
When they feel taken advantage of? It makes cooking a chore.
A mom in Singapore turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to pose a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) scenario for feedback.
asked:
“WIBTA to ban my son’s girlfriend from my house?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“English isn’t my first language, so please excuse grammar or wrong word errors.”
“My son (22, male) started bringing his girlfriend over a little over a month ago. The first time he brought her over, I (52, female) took it as quite formal as a first meeting and cooked up a feast.”
“But it soon became obvious it’s becoming a daily thing and not just a one-time formal meeting the family thing.”
“At the first meeting, she came quite a bit late, and the food was cold by the time she arrived. No pardon me or anything, and when we were done, every one helped to pack up but her.”
“And we thought she would kind of get the notion, but since it was her first time here, we didn’t say anything.”
“As for desserts, I like to do this group participation thing. For example, for cupcakes, I will prepare the icing and everyone would gather and decorate their dessert.”
“But she made it quite clear from the get-go she wasn’t interested in it and stuff.”
“So, for basically the last month, she’s almost here daily and she would request through my son I make specific dishes with no thanks or help cleaning up.”
“My other son (17, male) has also called her out on her not contributing anything, gently, but she said something around the lines of ‘no ring, no wife duties’.”
“I don’t see this as a wife duty. I would do this at my friend’s hangout or meals and everyone in my house puts a hand in for every meal.”
“My daughters, my husband and my sons all help.”
“I never had this kind of problem before…all my children mate has been very wonderful and dear. I was always happy to cook for everyone until this one come in. Headache…”
“My son has been trying to make up for her part. My eldest’s girlfriend has talked to her too. I’ve never had such problems before.”
“So today, when my son told me that she requested a specific meat pie for dinner, I am quite done. However I don’t want to affect my relationship with my son over this.”
“Especially since he really likes her a lot, but I’m really considering banning her from our dinners.”
“We did ask her to help around 2-3 weeks in. My other son who was cleaning the dishes basically asked, ‘hey, (her name), could you help me bring that plate in? My hands are wet’.”
“Something like that was said very politely. She basically frowned and told him that she isn’t a wife so she shouldn’t have to do this.”
“She says she’s a guest, but she’s been coming for dinner daily, so I find it hard to just see her as a guest. And even guests help out in my culture.”
“She isn’t local, though. She’s White, so I thought it was because of a different culture. I remember the first time she comes, she never takes off her shoes.”
“Obviously it gave me a bad impression of her, but it’s just about her not wanting to participate in anything we invite her to other than dinner which she invites herself to.”
“I have no problem with this, but it’s just getting ridiculous. I do have some pent up frustration as I have not shared any of these opinions after I found out my other children and husband had a problem with her.”
“I do not want to further cause a rift and have been trying to mediate by bonding with her.”
“I don’t talk to my son about it, because this topic has been constantly brought up by my other children/husband. I really don’t see a point in repeating the same things they said. It has been proven fruitless.”
The OP later added:
“The reason I have such a big problem with this is because my other children have brought their mates and friends around. My eldest son and his girlfriend is living in my house actually, but none of them have a problem like this.”
“It was almost natural of them to contribute. Also, I don’t have a problem with not wanting to decorate a cupcake, but it’s the idea of her not joining in on family things.”
“Like movie night and everything, she would just stay in a room alone, when even my son was in the living room with us.”
“It was verbally communicated to her that she’s expected to help out after maybe a few weeks, but she replied with the ‘no ring, no wife duties’ ideology.”
“And no, my son isn’t able to get his own place. It’s expensive and you need to be married to get a house. He can’t just move out.”
“As for the people asking about the housing issue, search Singapore housing…”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I think I might be the a**hole since she didn’t do anything to warrant a ban, but I’m so done with this behaviour.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA or WNBTA).
“NTA. But 1st, stop acting like her caterer &/or personal chef. Unless she has a food allergy, don’t make what she requests.”
“Even then, she can be responsible for bringing her own food sometimes if it’s that big of an issue. She really seems to be just leeching off of you.”
“Make what you’d make anyway. She can eat what’s available or not.”
“She can reheat her food or eat it cold instead of inconveniencing an entire group. The cupcake thing sounds dumb on her part because that’s part of a group activity & partially meant for fun for everyone.”
“The no-wife duties should only be applying to the things done between them unless, of course, your son never does anything to help or participate either at your house.”
“The biggest thing is, why is your son okay with the entire rest of his family being treated this way by someone? That’s your real problem.” ~ Here_IGuess
“Also, she needs to tell son she can’t afford to be feeding another person main meals every day as it soon adds up.”
“Eating there every day without even contributing is unfair and unreasonable, let alone telling OP what she wants to be made for dinner. OP should cook whatever she plans to cook for the family, and not be dictated to by the girlfriend.”
“I’d limit her to only being able to come for dinner 1 or 2 times a week, unless she wants to chip in financially if she’s eating there every day.” ~ Poppypie77
“NTA. No ring, no mother-in-law duties for OP either. Some rando chick wants OP to cook for her? What? Tell little miss spoiled rotten, ‘no ring, no mother-in-law duties’.” ~ Individual-Task-8630
“Your son is 22 and an adult. The next time he lets you know his girlfriend requests a specific meal, ask him which night they would like to cook that for the family.”
“If the two of them are eating nightly meals with you, they can be responsible for cooking & clean up 2x/ week.”
“NTA. Otherwise I would make whatever YOU want & give them the name of a restaurant that makes that dish.” ~ dncrmom
“Legitimately, I’m like, ‘Why aren’t you telling your son off?’.”
“This is clearly as much a son problem as a girlfriend problem. He is not a child.”
“If he says ‘GF is coming for dinner’, I’d be saying ‘I don’t remember inviting her. If you want to invite someone for dinner, you will be preparing it and paying for it. This isn’t a hotel and I am not your personal date catering service’.”
“The fight about ‘wife duties’ is one between the 2 of them, and HE should be absorbing any work she isn’t doing.”
“If she thinks she is your guest rather than a de facto member of your family, then she and your son should understand that she is only welcome at your dinners if you have personally invited her.” ~ tokoloshe62
“It actually made me mad reading this post and seeing how much of a pushover OP is. No wonders she isn’t helping clean up, it’s sh*tty of her, but OP and son are enabling it.”
“I can only imagine the wrath my mom would lay down if I brought a girl home that behaved like this. Even my siblings would call out her disrespect straight to her face.” ~ abysmalgolfer
“Have a chat with your son. Ask him if he is happy with how his girlfriend is treating the family dinners as a restaurant.”
“Maybe set some guidelines of ‘max 2-3x times per week, must assist with washing up or setting the table. What’s on the menu is the menu and you make this menu based on what’s on special, in season etc…”
“You could even start doing a rota of kids’ take turns in cooking a meal once a week to set themselves up for living on their own and this includes your son and his girlfriend making dinner one night a week.” ~ juniperginandtonic
“Also have a chat with your son about healthy relationships and is this how he wants his partner to be treating others? Is he happy to be with someone who treats people this way?”
“Help him with healthy habits and hopefully he can apply them to this (and likely future) relationships. Also, showing your younger kid how to handle this will help him in relationships as well.” ~ lilredhead42
“So this girl you barely know is showing up daily, requesting specific meals, but not helping with prep, setting the table, participating in food rituals (decorating desserts), helping clean up, or even saying thanks?”
“You should tell your son she needs to learn some manners and at minimum won’t be welcome to family meals until she learns some. NTA.”
“Also… the nerve to request a specific meal…. Jesus—I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and only ever requested something from my in-laws when they’ve wanted to cook me like a birthday dinner and they asked ME what I wanted.” ~ Kinsleyturner
“NTA, your son should be able to see that she’s treating your place like a hotel and you like her own personal chef.”
“My advice would be speak to your son before you ‘ban’ her to try and explain why the situation has made you feel like this to try and avoid falling out with your son over it.” ~ danxwilson
While everyone agreed this mom would be justified showing this unappreciative guest the door, many suggested a conversation with her son and/or his girlfriend first.