Gathering people for a professional group photo is no easy task.
However, it can understandably get complicated when you're talking about a photo session that includes around 40 family members.
The group organizer, who worked hard to plan the session with their big family, caused a bit of drama in response to an issue, which caused them to seek judgment on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Acceptable-Heart3031 asked:
"AITA for not retaking the family photo since my DIL was not in it?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Every couple of years, we get everyone together and take a giant family photo. In total, there are about 40 people."
"Our last one was in 2018, and we decided to do this again. I organized the whole thing, and everyone was told that small pictures would be done at 4 and the big picture at 5. Afterward, we got dinner."
The OP wasn't expecting this bump in the schedule.
"The issue is that my son and DIL were running late. Wasn't a big deal since it was just small pictures. They get here in time for the large picture."
"I asked everyone to be there on time. I called twice asking if anyone is missing. Everyone is lined up and the photographer takes like 15 minutes of the big picture."
"Everyone is hungry and hurrying to get food. My DIL soon comes out asking about the picture. It is around 5:30 at this point. She told me that she was in the bathroom fixing her hair when the picture was being taken. She asked me to round everyone up again to get a picture."
The OP gave a definitive response.
"I told her no, that she was late coming to the event and couldn't care enough to actually be on time for the picture. I am not gathering everyone up again and paying the photographer an extra hour (he was done and packing up at this point)"
"This caused a huge argument between her and me. My son is demanding that I get her in the picture, and I told him to pay someone to photoshop her."
"AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
There was one question that was on every Redditor's mind.
"Why did your son not speak up and mention that she was not there when the pic was taken? Weird." – Slayerofdrums
"I don't know, seriously I don't know why he didn't speak up."
"Either he didn't care or didn't notice." – OP
"I would assume that he knew she went to the bathroom. It's unfortunate that your DiL was not there for the pic, but if she's mad at anyone, it should be him, not you." – Slayerofdrums
"I agree that this is 100% on him for not speaking up. 'Hey, can we hold a minute? Suzy is in the bathroom.'" – FarlerFive
"And Suzy apparently needs 30 minutes to fix her hair when she should have done that before leaving the house. I mean, it's one thing to do a quick touch but the photo was at five, and she only came out at 53." – Novel_Fox
"Actually the booking was from 4pm and she already missed the small pictures.... so if she got there on time she could've spent an hour in the bathroom doing her hair and still been in it." – KitchenDismal9258
"Maybe fixing her hair was a euphemism for having major bowel distress. If someone had said she was in the bathroom, please wait, they should have waited. Her husband didn't bother. NTA, OP." – Brennan_Boru1031
"I'm 99% sure she had her phone on her. If it was a 'bathroom emergency,' she could've called her husband or MIL and explained, and then MIL could've decided what to do. However, I'm 100% sure this is not the case, and she was fixing her hair."
"Anyone that can ask someone to regroup 39 other people for them is the same person sitting in the bathroom trying to make sure they're the 'prettiest' girl in the photo. Fk that OP stood her ground and I don't blame her. NTA She fkd around and she found out!!!" – Momma-Stacey1983
"I get the feeling that he's happy she's blaming YOU and not him! It's not your fault they were both too clueless to know what was going on."
"Expecting you to pay more money and everyone else to reconvene just for her is rather entitled. She can get by with Photoshop for this year!" – Koralteafrom
"He also probably thought that the photographer was sticking around until his wife was ready for a new picture. A lot of people are generally clueless or careless about how photographers charge for their time." – shuckyducked
"Geez, either way that's bad on the part of your son. If I were his wife (your DIL) I'd be mad at him, not you."
"NTA."
"Can't stand people who are late for no reason. All the time. Things happens, traffic, kiddos barfing all the sudden. Sure, I'd wait as long as I could."
"I'm talking about the people who are always late. It's so rude to assume the world revolves around you, and everyone else's time is not as important as yours." – calicounderthesun
"This is on them. NTA. We do the same thing at our family reunions - it's a bear to get everyone together. Your son and DIL were disrespectful and here's the consequence if not giving a crap about everyone else's time." – Upper_Assignment9201
"This is the NTA for me. The son should have spoken up, especially since he was in the photo and they took 15min there was time at that stage to yell one person was missing. DIL should have said before going into the bathroom, I just need to check hair since she was running so late already."
"Photoshop sounds like a solution, or the son arranges for 40 people to gather again and finds out how hard that is to do and how much an hour photographers charge." – gelfbo
"NTA, its not your job to make sure inconsiderate family members get in the photo. Sounds like you did your due diligence, and DIL was being an inconsiderate AH, there's no way you run an hour and a half late to a photo you want to be in. You're not responsible for her carelessness."
"If your son does agree to pay for the photoshop, it would be nice if you were the bigger person and used the photoshopped version instead of the one without her, although I personally would be petty about that." – Sad-Seaweed-59
"NTA and agree her husband should have spoken up and if he/they are upset about it, then they can pay to edit her in."
"Funny aside, I was terribly late to a cousin's wedding due to a work emergency. I missed the vows, but they were just taking a huge group picture (with the brides on the altar and the guests behind them) when I drove up, and someone yelled that I was coming."
"In the professional portrait, huge and hanging in their living room, I am running like a fool, trying to make it into the group. It is hilarious and cracks me up every time I see it!" – Plenty_Turnip_4034
"Photoshop her in. Done and dusted. My brother covered my sister's face with his big head, so I took a photo of her against a plain wall (same room so lighting was the same) and just photoshopped her in. Can't really tell."
"If this were day of, I'd say ask photographer for one photo of just her. Forgot to say NTA." – Remarkable_Table_279
"NTA your son, her husband should have spoek up and said she was not there. He didn't. Hes blaming you because it takes the attention away from him and the fact that he didn't even notice or care that his wife was missing."
"If it was really that important to them then they would have one, been on time, and two, offered to cover the extra hour of wages for the photographer if they were even willing to stay. They very well made have had another gig they needed to get to."
"Your time is important, and so is the photographers. They can pay for a GOOD photo editor to photoshop her into the pictures or deal with it. Put the blame where it lies next time they bring it up, which is on them for being late and your son for not speaking up about his wife being missing." – mocha_lattes_
"NTA She missed it. Her husband didnt tell you she wasn't there. And no one spoke up for her. If she wanted to redo the photos, she could have gone up to talk to the cameraman themselves and paid for the extra hour out of their own pocket."
"I am sure the family would not mind taking another picture too much. But the whole aspect that she expected you to pay for the photographer and then round everyone up when she could have done all that is on her not you." – Azsura12
Overall, Redditors agreed the OP's refusal to redo the group photo with everyone was warranted, regardless of the reason for the DIL's negligence.
They also thought the photoshopping suggestion was perfectly acceptable, given the circumstances.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp