In a monogamous couple, two people make a romantic couple, but three people make drama.
That’s especially true when kids are involved, especially kids from a previous marriage where biological parents might want to make a reappearance, side-eyed the folks in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Calm_Let3806 had worked hard to raise his stepson since he was three years old and thought that he was a part of a loving family.
But when his stepson’s father came back into the picture, and his stepson and wife turned against him, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t think there was room for him in the family anymore.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for considering divorce over my wife’s ex’s behavior?”
The OP thought that he was in a happy marriage and family.
“I’ve been with my wife for six years and married to her for one and a half years.”
“Her son, Jake, is now nine. He used to call me ‘Dad,’ and we had a great bond.”
But then the OP’s stepson’s biological father came back into the future.
“Five months ago, his biological dad showed up. Since then, Jake has been repeating things his dad says and constantly insulting me.”
“I went from ‘he is my dad’ to ‘he is just my mom’s husband! Hahaha!'”
“I talked to my wife about it, but she thinks he’s just a kid and that I should let it go.”
The OP recently found out where his wife’s true loyalties lay.
“Last week, Jake called me because his dad, who was supposed to pick him up from school and then take him shopping for his mom’s birthday, bailed on him.”
“I stepped in, took Jake shopping, and we had a good half-day together. I paid for the gift he picked out. I dropped him off at his dad’s. He was sleeping and forgot about even picking Jake up from school!”
“On my wife’s birthday, Jake lied and said it was his dad who took him shopping and paid for the gift (despite his dad never having a job or paying child support).”
“His dad graciously accepted all the compliments and even made fun of the gift I gave my wife. My wife, however, didn’t say a word to him.”
“After the party, when Jake went to his dad’s, I told my wife I was upset that she didn’t stand up for me. She rolled her eyes and said, ‘Why? Because he was more thoughtful than you?'”
“I told her the truth about what happened, but she didn’t believe me. I even showed her my credit card statement and phone logs proving that Jake called me on Tuesday.”
The OP needed a break from how he was being treated.
“Frustrated, I left to stay with my brother because I can’t be around someone who doesn’t trust me.”
“Here’s the thing: My brother thinks I’m right.”
“My mother-in-law has messaged me a million times, saying it’s a misunderstanding and that I’m overreacting.”
“My wife hasn’t apologized.”
The OP’s wife continued to ridicule him while applauding her son’s father.
“She came over yesterday and said she feels stuck because she doesn’t want to make her son feel bad about his dad. She keeps saying, ‘He’s just a kid, and you should be the bigger person.'”
“When I asked if she was apologizing, she said no. She insisted it was just a misunderstanding and added that she’s seen how much her ex has been trying. Then she said I was acting like a ‘needy man baby.'”
“I told her that if she thinks so highly of her ex and doesn’t see my efforts, she should leave because she clearly doesn’t get my point. She doesn’t seem to care about any of the effort I put in.”
“Her response? ‘That’s exactly what I’m saying. You’re acting like a needy baby who needs a reward. You need to man up if you love me.'”
That was the final straw for the OP.
“So now I’m torn. Should I start talking to a lawyer because there’s no point in working on this? Or am I overreacting and should we try counseling?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some cringed and pointed out that the OP’s wife had clearly chosen someone else.
“Your wife just showed you where you truly stand with her. You’re the backup for the man she wants.”
“If you truly care about the son, show him what a real man does: respects himself first, to be the best he can be. Then make sure he can contact you when the drama of these two finally unfolds again.” – Brilliant-Character9
“That she didn’t appreciate HIM being the bigger person already for not saying anything as soon as the deadbeat ex took credit for her gift. Then calls him a man baby for wanting to clear things up.”
“Then she says HE has to man up? F**k that! OP deserves better. NTA.” – Gasted_Flabber137
“The kid is going to get terrible lessons from both of them and likely grow up just like his deadbeat dad. But sadly, that’s not OP’s problem, and the kid’s parents and the kid himself have made that abundantly clear.” – brsox244
“He dropped everything and picked her son up when his dad bailed. That kid didn’t call his grandma or any other adult; he called his stepdad and then proceeded to treat him like s**t.”
“The mother allowed her husband to be disrespected multiple times in his own home by her son as well as her deadbeat ex. She seems to be under the impression that for him to be a real man, he should allow himself to be made a fool.”
“Screw that he has proven himself a real man by conducting himself in a respectful manner. Apparently, she prefers acting like trash.” – AreUKidding_me295
“Clearly, the ex is getting into her head, and probably also in her pants, convincing her that you’re not man enough and you’re wimpy for having feelings and this and that, so if I were you, I would let her be with her ex who has done nothing for her and is taking credit for work you are doing.”
“You’re ‘not man enough for her’? Cool, that’s fine, don’t worry about it. Do her the favor of letting her be with someone who is man enough.”
“And then in a couple of months when her son is miserable and she’s being let down and neglected, and no one‘s taking care of either of them, and she realizes how good she had it with you, that’s when it’ll sink in.”
“If she wants you to be like her ex so bad, let her be with him.” – Original-Stretch-464
Others agreed and urged the OP to make exit plans and take care of himself.
“The ‘man up’ comment from her is the most insulting of all. Her deadbeat ex isn’t a man. He’s a literal cockroach. He abandoned his kid and now returns and forgets to pick up his kid. He’s a trash dad and a trash excuse of a man.”
“Meanwhile, OP has raised this boy since he was three years old, went out of his way to pick up the boy when bio-‘dad’ forgot about him and spent a half-day with him. That’s how a man behaves.”
“That she is trying to pit him against her deadbeat trash ex just shows that she belongs with her garbage ex. I feel terrible for the poor kid, though.”
“NTA, OP.”
“She accused him of lying, and when he then provided proof that her piece of crap ex and son lied, he’s a ‘needy man baby.'”
“I guess a ‘real man’ in her eyes forgets about his own son and then lies to his ex’s face about buying her a gift.”
“I sincerely hope OP realizes that his wife doesn’t love him and only thinks of him as a cash dispenser. NTA again.” – Wakez11
“This is exactly what happens when somebody is trying to groom you and manipulate you; I had something happen like that in my marriage at one point, glad I’m divorced now.”
“But when they call you too sensitive? Or a baby? It’s because they know they’re not doing right by you, and they’re trying to get you to accept less.”
“He needs to walk away from this. He’s already helping to raise another man’s child, and he seems to be doing a hell of a good job. But this ex-wife still has feelings for her ex-husband. Walk away, my brother! Please have some self-respect and don’t waste the years.” – ClassicDill
“From experience, if the boy turns against you, the momentum in your relationship will get you all the way to the scene of the crash. Sorry, that’s just what happened to me.”
“NTA. Good luck.” – Lithographer6275
“Start detangling your life now. I feel bad for the kid, but NTA.” – Guitarguywh89
“It’s pretty ironic because not putting up with her bulls**t and letting her bully him is super manly.”
“That’s what ‘manning up’ looks like. Caving in after she mocked him would be manning down.” – konradwayne
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
“Thank you everyone for your input. I really appreciate it. I’m contacting an attorney this week to help me with the divorce process. I can’t continue living like this.”
As bad as the subReddit might have felt for the son, there was clearly no room for the OP to continue being a part of the family or help properly raise the boy he’d come to think of as his son.
With how much she was applauding her son’s father, it seemed likely that the OP’s wife wanted to give her previous relationship another try.
Unfortunately for her, she’d only realize how much of what she had credited her ex with doing was actually done by the OP when it was too late.