In a monogamous couple, two people make a romantic couple, but three people make drama.
That's especially true when kids are involved, especially kids from a previous marriage where biological parents might want to make a reappearance, side-eyed the folks in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Calm_Let3806 had worked hard to raise his stepson since he was three years old and thought that he was a part of a loving family.
But when his stepson's father came back into the picture, and his stepson and wife turned against him, the Original Poster (OP) didn't think there was room for him in the family anymore.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for considering divorce over my wife's ex's behavior?"
The OP thought that he was in a happy marriage and family.
"I've been with my wife for six years and married to her for one and a half years."
"Her son, Jake, is now nine. He used to call me 'Dad,' and we had a great bond."
But then the OP's stepson's biological father came back into the future.
"Five months ago, his biological dad showed up. Since then, Jake has been repeating things his dad says and constantly insulting me."
"I went from 'he is my dad' to 'he is just my mom's husband! Hahaha!'"
"I talked to my wife about it, but she thinks he's just a kid and that I should let it go."
The OP recently found out where his wife's true loyalties lay.
"Last week, Jake called me because his dad, who was supposed to pick him up from school and then take him shopping for his mom's birthday, bailed on him."
"I stepped in, took Jake shopping, and we had a good half-day together. I paid for the gift he picked out. I dropped him off at his dad's. He was sleeping and forgot about even picking Jake up from school!"
"On my wife's birthday, Jake lied and said it was his dad who took him shopping and paid for the gift (despite his dad never having a job or paying child support)."
"His dad graciously accepted all the compliments and even made fun of the gift I gave my wife. My wife, however, didn't say a word to him."
"After the party, when Jake went to his dad's, I told my wife I was upset that she didn't stand up for me. She rolled her eyes and said, 'Why? Because he was more thoughtful than you?'"
"I told her the truth about what happened, but she didn't believe me. I even showed her my credit card statement and phone logs proving that Jake called me on Tuesday."
The OP needed a break from how he was being treated.
"Frustrated, I left to stay with my brother because I can't be around someone who doesn't trust me."
"Here's the thing: My brother thinks I'm right."
"My mother-in-law has messaged me a million times, saying it's a misunderstanding and that I'm overreacting."
"My wife hasn't apologized."
The OP's wife continued to ridicule him while applauding her son's father.
"She came over yesterday and said she feels stuck because she doesn't want to make her son feel bad about his dad. She keeps saying, 'He's just a kid, and you should be the bigger person.'"
"When I asked if she was apologizing, she said no. She insisted it was just a misunderstanding and added that she's seen how much her ex has been trying. Then she said I was acting like a 'needy man baby.'"
"I told her that if she thinks so highly of her ex and doesn't see my efforts, she should leave because she clearly doesn't get my point. She doesn't seem to care about any of the effort I put in."
"Her response? 'That's exactly what I'm saying. You're acting like a needy baby who needs a reward. You need to man up if you love me.'"
That was the final straw for the OP.
"So now I'm torn. Should I start talking to a lawyer because there's no point in working on this? Or am I overreacting and should we try counseling?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some cringed and pointed out that the OP's wife had clearly chosen someone else.
"Your wife just showed you where you truly stand with her. You're the backup for the man she wants."
"If you truly care about the son, show him what a real man does: respects himself first, to be the best he can be. Then make sure he can contact you when the drama of these two finally unfolds again." - Brilliant-Character9
"That she didn't appreciate HIM being the bigger person already for not saying anything as soon as the deadbeat ex took credit for her gift. Then calls him a man baby for wanting to clear things up."
"Then she says HE has to man up? F**k that! OP deserves better. NTA." - Gasted_Flabber137
"The kid is going to get terrible lessons from both of them and likely grow up just like his deadbeat dad. But sadly, that's not OP's problem, and the kid's parents and the kid himself have made that abundantly clear." - brsox244
"He dropped everything and picked her son up when his dad bailed. That kid didn't call his grandma or any other adult; he called his stepdad and then proceeded to treat him like s**t."
"The mother allowed her husband to be disrespected multiple times in his own home by her son as well as her deadbeat ex. She seems to be under the impression that for him to be a real man, he should allow himself to be made a fool."
"Screw that he has proven himself a real man by conducting himself in a respectful manner. Apparently, she prefers acting like trash." - AreUKidding_me295
"Clearly, the ex is getting into her head, and probably also in her pants, convincing her that you're not man enough and you're wimpy for having feelings and this and that, so if I were you, I would let her be with her ex who has done nothing for her and is taking credit for work you are doing."
"You're 'not man enough for her'? Cool, that's fine, don't worry about it. Do her the favor of letting her be with someone who is man enough."
"And then in a couple of months when her son is miserable and she's being let down and neglected, and no one's taking care of either of them, and she realizes how good she had it with you, that's when it'll sink in."
"If she wants you to be like her ex so bad, let her be with him." - Original-Stretch-464
Others agreed and urged the OP to make exit plans and take care of himself.
"The 'man up' comment from her is the most insulting of all. Her deadbeat ex isn't a man. He's a literal cockroach. He abandoned his kid and now returns and forgets to pick up his kid. He's a trash dad and a trash excuse of a man."
"Meanwhile, OP has raised this boy since he was three years old, went out of his way to pick up the boy when bio-'dad' forgot about him and spent a half-day with him. That's how a man behaves."
"That she is trying to pit him against her deadbeat trash ex just shows that she belongs with her garbage ex. I feel terrible for the poor kid, though."
"NTA, OP."
"She accused him of lying, and when he then provided proof that her piece of crap ex and son lied, he's a 'needy man baby.'"
"I guess a 'real man' in her eyes forgets about his own son and then lies to his ex's face about buying her a gift."
"I sincerely hope OP realizes that his wife doesn't love him and only thinks of him as a cash dispenser. NTA again." - Wakez11
"This is exactly what happens when somebody is trying to groom you and manipulate you; I had something happen like that in my marriage at one point, glad I'm divorced now."
"But when they call you too sensitive? Or a baby? It's because they know they're not doing right by you, and they're trying to get you to accept less."
"He needs to walk away from this. He's already helping to raise another man's child, and he seems to be doing a hell of a good job. But this ex-wife still has feelings for her ex-husband. Walk away, my brother! Please have some self-respect and don't waste the years." - ClassicDill
"From experience, if the boy turns against you, the momentum in your relationship will get you all the way to the scene of the crash. Sorry, that's just what happened to me."
"NTA. Good luck." - Lithographer6275
"Start detangling your life now. I feel bad for the kid, but NTA." - Guitarguywh89
"It's pretty ironic because not putting up with her bulls**t and letting her bully him is super manly."
"That's what 'manning up' looks like. Caving in after she mocked him would be manning down." - konradwayne
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
"Thank you everyone for your input. I really appreciate it. I'm contacting an attorney this week to help me with the divorce process. I can't continue living like this."
As bad as the subReddit might have felt for the son, there was clearly no room for the OP to continue being a part of the family or help properly raise the boy he'd come to think of as his son.
With how much she was applauding her son's father, it seemed likely that the OP's wife wanted to give her previous relationship another try.
Unfortunately for her, she'd only realize how much of what she had credited her ex with doing was actually done by the OP when it was too late.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.