In a monogamous couple, two people make a romantic couple, but three people make drama.
That's especially true when kids are involved, especially kids from a previous marriage where biological parents might want to make a reappearance, side-eyed the folks in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Calm_Let3806 had worked hard to raise his stepson since he was three years old and thought that he was a part of a loving family.
But when his stepson's father came back into the picture, and his stepson and wife turned against him, the Original Poster (OP) didn't think there was room for him in the family anymore.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for considering divorce over my wife's ex's behavior?"
The OP thought that he was in a happy marriage and family.
"I've been with my wife for six years and married to her for one and a half years."
"Her son, Jake, is now nine. He used to call me 'Dad,' and we had a great bond."
But then the OP's stepson's biological father came back into the future.
"Five months ago, his biological dad showed up. Since then, Jake has been repeating things his dad says and constantly insulting me."
"I went from 'he is my dad' to 'he is just my mom's husband! Hahaha!'"
"I talked to my wife about it, but she thinks he's just a kid and that I should let it go."
The OP recently found out where his wife's true loyalties lay.
"Last week, Jake called me because his dad, who was supposed to pick him up from school and then take him shopping for his mom's birthday, bailed on him."
"I stepped in, took Jake shopping, and we had a good half-day together. I paid for the gift he picked out. I dropped him off at his dad's. He was sleeping and forgot about even picking Jake up from school!"
"On my wife's birthday, Jake lied and said it was his dad who took him shopping and paid for the gift (despite his dad never having a job or paying child support)."
"His dad graciously accepted all the compliments and even made fun of the gift I gave my wife. My wife, however, didn't say a word to him."
"After the party, when Jake went to his dad's, I told my wife I was upset that she didn't stand up for me. She rolled her eyes and said, 'Why? Because he was more thoughtful than you?'"
"I told her the truth about what happened, but she didn't believe me. I even showed her my credit card statement and phone logs proving that Jake called me on Tuesday."
The OP needed a break from how he was being treated.
"Frustrated, I left to stay with my brother because I can't be around someone who doesn't trust me."
"Here's the thing: My brother thinks I'm right."
"My mother-in-law has messaged me a million times, saying it's a misunderstanding and that I'm overreacting."
"My wife hasn't apologized."
The OP's wife continued to ridicule him while applauding her son's father.
"She came over yesterday and said she feels stuck because she doesn't want to make her son feel bad about his dad. She keeps saying, 'He's just a kid, and you should be the bigger person.'"
"When I asked if she was apologizing, she said no. She insisted it was just a misunderstanding and added that she's seen how much her ex has been trying. Then she said I was acting like a 'needy man baby.'"
"I told her that if she thinks so highly of her ex and doesn't see my efforts, she should leave because she clearly doesn't get my point. She doesn't seem to care about any of the effort I put in."
"Her response? 'That's exactly what I'm saying. You're acting like a needy baby who needs a reward. You need to man up if you love me.'"
That was the final straw for the OP.
"So now I'm torn. Should I start talking to a lawyer because there's no point in working on this? Or am I overreacting and should we try counseling?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some cringed and pointed out that the OP's wife had clearly chosen someone else.
"Your wife just showed you where you truly stand with her. You're the backup for the man she wants."
"If you truly care about the son, show him what a real man does: respects himself first, to be the best he can be. Then make sure he can contact you when the drama of these two finally unfolds again." - Brilliant-Character9
"That she didn't appreciate HIM being the bigger person already for not saying anything as soon as the deadbeat ex took credit for her gift. Then calls him a man baby for wanting to clear things up."
"Then she says HE has to man up? F**k that! OP deserves better. NTA." - Gasted_Flabber137
"The kid is going to get terrible lessons from both of them and likely grow up just like his deadbeat dad. But sadly, that's not OP's problem, and the kid's parents and the kid himself have made that abundantly clear." - brsox244
"He dropped everything and picked her son up when his dad bailed. That kid didn't call his grandma or any other adult; he called his stepdad and then proceeded to treat him like s**t."
"The mother allowed her husband to be disrespected multiple times in his own home by her son as well as her deadbeat ex. She seems to be under the impression that for him to be a real man, he should allow himself to be made a fool."
"Screw that he has proven himself a real man by conducting himself in a respectful manner. Apparently, she prefers acting like trash." - AreUKidding_me295
"Clearly, the ex is getting into her head, and probably also in her pants, convincing her that you're not man enough and you're wimpy for having feelings and this and that, so if I were you, I would let her be with her ex who has done nothing for her and is taking credit for work you are doing."
"You're 'not man enough for her'? Cool, that's fine, don't worry about it. Do her the favor of letting her be with someone who is man enough."
"And then in a couple of months when her son is miserable and she's being let down and neglected, and no one's taking care of either of them, and she realizes how good she had it with you, that's when it'll sink in."
"If she wants you to be like her ex so bad, let her be with him." - Original-Stretch-464
Others agreed and urged the OP to make exit plans and take care of himself.
"The 'man up' comment from her is the most insulting of all. Her deadbeat ex isn't a man. He's a literal cockroach. He abandoned his kid and now returns and forgets to pick up his kid. He's a trash dad and a trash excuse of a man."
"Meanwhile, OP has raised this boy since he was three years old, went out of his way to pick up the boy when bio-'dad' forgot about him and spent a half-day with him. That's how a man behaves."
"That she is trying to pit him against her deadbeat trash ex just shows that she belongs with her garbage ex. I feel terrible for the poor kid, though."
"NTA, OP."
"She accused him of lying, and when he then provided proof that her piece of crap ex and son lied, he's a 'needy man baby.'"
"I guess a 'real man' in her eyes forgets about his own son and then lies to his ex's face about buying her a gift."
"I sincerely hope OP realizes that his wife doesn't love him and only thinks of him as a cash dispenser. NTA again." - Wakez11
"This is exactly what happens when somebody is trying to groom you and manipulate you; I had something happen like that in my marriage at one point, glad I'm divorced now."
"But when they call you too sensitive? Or a baby? It's because they know they're not doing right by you, and they're trying to get you to accept less."
"He needs to walk away from this. He's already helping to raise another man's child, and he seems to be doing a hell of a good job. But this ex-wife still has feelings for her ex-husband. Walk away, my brother! Please have some self-respect and don't waste the years." - ClassicDill
"From experience, if the boy turns against you, the momentum in your relationship will get you all the way to the scene of the crash. Sorry, that's just what happened to me."
"NTA. Good luck." - Lithographer6275
"Start detangling your life now. I feel bad for the kid, but NTA." - Guitarguywh89
"It's pretty ironic because not putting up with her bulls**t and letting her bully him is super manly."
"That's what 'manning up' looks like. Caving in after she mocked him would be manning down." - konradwayne
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
"Thank you everyone for your input. I really appreciate it. I'm contacting an attorney this week to help me with the divorce process. I can't continue living like this."
As bad as the subReddit might have felt for the son, there was clearly no room for the OP to continue being a part of the family or help properly raise the boy he'd come to think of as his son.
With how much she was applauding her son's father, it seemed likely that the OP's wife wanted to give her previous relationship another try.
Unfortunately for her, she'd only realize how much of what she had credited her ex with doing was actually done by the OP when it was too late.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp