A young woman was berated by her parents who called her a “monster” after they discovered the covert manner in which she was earning a living.
Redditor ThrowawayRA7482 is a dominatrix who had a client who wished to remain discreet about their business affair.
But when the client’s secret became exposed due to unexpected circumstances, she found herself in a predicament that led her to the Relationship Advice subReddit to seek the guidance of strangers on the internet.
The Original Poster (OP) began by revealing the nature of her relationship with the mystery client.
“I’ve been a domming a family friend’s husband without knowing its him.”
“I (f[emale] 19) work as an online dominatrix specialising in financial domination. It started as a way to make some quick cash for college and then snowballed into like an actual job.”
“About a year ago a guy messaged me on insta asking to serve me and after proving himself he quickly became one of my regulars. He said he wanted to be anonymous so I never pressed him about it and just let it continue.”
“As part of the kink of financial domination I made him make some cuts in his life like not going on vacation and made him send that money to me and stuff like that.”
“So cut to a few days ago I’m getting angry calls from my parents about me ruining one of their friend’s lives and basically what had happened is the wife had gone through her husband’s phone and found our conversations and had recognised me from my profile.”
“She had been under the impression that they didn’t have money because of bad investing decisions not because he was sending the money to me.”
“My parents didn’t know I do this so they were equally angry and upset and they think I’m a monster for what I did and they won’t even let me explain to them that it’s a kink.”
“They asked me to give the money back and it was another rough conversation to tell them I couldn’t because I had bought a house using that money.”
“I have no idea what to do or how to talk to my parents or to our family friends :/”
Redditors unloaded on the husband for his secret life.
“How f’ked up do you have to be as a person to have a whole a** family, but instead of taking care of them you’re sending money to some random sex worker? Like seriously, what the he’ll is wrong with people?” – Blathersisacoward
“Yeah as in knew her when she was underage. Gross a** dude. Good on OP for making some serious bank tho (bought a house at 19).” – Ambartenen
“How f’ked up is it that this guy KNEW WHO SHE WAS, wife had to have known that husband instigated it, but still chose to believe that it’s OP’s fault their marriage is ruined?”
“He’s the one sending a 19 yo Dom all his money.” – selfish_behavior
This Redditor, however, recognized the seriousness of addiction and gave a compassionate response asking readers not to demonize the client.
“Hey one of my friends has struggled with this for years. It’s an addiction like any other – porn, gambling, drugs etc. – and it’s hard to kick.”
“A lot of times the people that are into this feel copious amounts of shame and pain, knowing they’re ruining their lives and driving themselves and people around them into financial insecurity.”
“Also, this friend gets literally LAUGHED AT by therapists when they try to explain their addiction/problem. So, you have to understand it in that way and legitimize it as a real addiction that works in the same way, instead of decrying it and going ‘what a f’ked up person’ which is not super useful.” – d_leathers
This was immediately challenged with a heated discussion.
“So you have no problem that he knew OP before she was an adult and specifically seeked out her services and kept himself a secret? That’s more than a porn addiction, that’s being a predator.”
“People who decide to ruin other people’s lives for their own selfish whims deserve scrutiny.” – kirathekira
“LOL I love that everyone is assuming that men spending a bunch of their family’s money on sex workers is some kind of ‘mental illness’; as if this very thing hasn’t been happening on a massive scale since the dawn of civilization. The oldest profession indeed.”
“Though I guess if selfishness is a mental illness, I guess that might be the case.” – acynicalwitch
“but this is significant detriment to not only his life, but his family’s, and he doesn’t want to stop because he’s horny.”
“regularly giving away enough money to buy a house and your family struggling because of it is not the same as paying an escort for a night.” – Galaxyan
“You don’t shame bars for selling alcohol and stores for selling tobacco.”
“She is doing her job and he is consenting to it, so there is no need to put this on her. He’s a grown man.” – pettyhatemachinex
After reading the comments conveying different points of view, the OP commented:
“I think there’s some form of self sabotaging going on like I’ll always try and set limits if they’re being too self destructive but sometimes they’re not interested in playing safe.”
But someone who seemed to be a master on the subject cleared up the delusions commonly associated with the subcultural kink.
“I think you have a very common misconception about findom. findom is not about draining, it’s about domination.”
“domination means controlling all aspects of their financials you should know how much they really can afford to give you while still affording their life and then you increase that amount by teaching them to make YOU more money.”
“Whether this is making them take a second job, investing for you, becoming more successful in their career whatever. as they make more you make more, but they keep living on the same amount.”
“What you don’t do is let someone send you money bc they’re addicted to their kink while ignoring the real life impact it could have on them. kinks aren’t supposed to ruin your life.” – pvstelsoul
“For me financial domination is about the biggest turn-off I have. But even any bias I have against it doesn’t prevent me from seeing that you never kink shame consensual acts between adults. Besides, outing a sex worker is a huge no-no.”
“This wife, depending on your definition, was cheated on. She certainly would be according to mine.”
“But OP didn’t know this, and isn’t in any position to take the moral high ground with this job even if she did. If OP knew and would be all ‘not on my watch,’ he would’ve just spent his money on some other sex worker.”
“So, OP did nothing wrong, the cheating husband/client and the cheated on wife are both d*****bags for different reasons. If her parents are any type of reasonable, they’ll see this for themselves.”
“If they’re not, I think you could talk to them until you’re blue in the face, but you can’t force someone to buy a clue. If this were me, and since apparently OP has her own house, I’d tell everyone who’s upset with me to get bent.” – wdxft
“He got what he wanted. You did a job, it just so happened to have a high price, and the guy paid for what he asked for.”
“The wife has every right to be mad at her husband for spending their money on his own ‘needs’ but that has nothing to do with you. Seems like she has misplaced anger and your parents sound embarrassed in my opinion because their friend is blaming you for their marital conflicts.”
“You earned the money, it doesn’t matter how you got it.” – always3rdplace
The OP maintained that she was “literally just providing a service” and found it difficult to rationalize what she does to her family and to the client’s wife.
She agreed “it’s totally fair” that the wife was “mad” but added that all the blame on her and the parents seeing their daughter as a “monster” was all a little hard to take.