Gender disappointment is a concept that has been discussed much more often on social media as of late and carries with it a lot less shame than it used to. Having a gender for your baby in mind is fair, and even initially being disappointed if they are a different gender than you were expecting is a reasonable and common reaction.
It’s all about what you do with those feelings that can make it a problem, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor MaleficientType4187 was surprised when her husband began to blame her for them only having daughters, even though that isn’t how genetics actually work.
When he attempted to pin the blame on her by talking to his biologist mother, the Original Poster (OP) simply looked on in amusement while his mother confirmed that he was actually the problem.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for explaining to my husband that he’s the reason we keep having daughters?”
The OP’s husband blamed her for them only having daughters.
“I (30 Female) have two daughters and am currently pregnant with my third girl. We just found out this morning.”
“On the drive to my husband’s mother’s house, he explained how he was a bit disappointed about having a girl. But then he said, ‘I should’ve expected this because you have three sisters.'”
“I explained that my having three sisters had nothing to do with the gender of our child.”
“He said it’s genetics and that I’m the reason for our daughters.”
“I told him that’s not how biology works, but he said it is.”
“He then went on the explain that his mom only has brothers and his two oldest brothers both have two sons because of his mom’s side.”
“I told that doesn’t make any sense, because it should be the same for him, then. He said no because both of their wives have more brothers than sisters, too.”
“He was getting frustrated, but I was just laughing at him. I explained that he and his oldest two brothers have different dads, but out of his dad’s eight kids, three are boys, and five are girls. The men determine the gender.”
“He said that was not true because the kids his dad had with his mom were all boys.”
The OP’s husband decided to get her mother-in-law involved.
“He dropped it and said he’ll ask his mom who has a degree in biology.”
“So we got to his parents’ house for brunch, and he asked his mom if I was the reason we kept having girls.”
“She told him bluntly that the men determine the gender and it was actually not a 50/50 chance.”
“She then went on to explain that the more of one gender you have, the higher the chances that your next child is also going to be that gender.”
“So he asked if it was likely that he would have a boy. She told him that if he kept trying, it might happen.”
The OP was surprised when her husband continued to blame her.
“He just walked to the car and said he was going for a drive.”
“I received a text from him saying that I didn’t have to embarrass him like that.”
“I was so confused.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her husband’s ego just wanted validation.
“Ah, he’s a man that knows everything! More than the wife. So it should be him mansplaining facts to his wife.”
“And how dare his wife make him ask his mother!” – damienjarvo
“He wanted to embarrass his wife, but didn’t like it when he felt embarrassed after his mom explained the biology after HE asked her to.” – 13-indersingh
“I’d be p**sed he didn’t believe it until his mother told him he was wrong. Being p**sed at OP because he is a moron is even stupider. It sounds like he’s mad he can’t blame OP for them having a bunch of girls and is too much of a man-baby to admit he was wrong.”
“Being disappointed about not having a boy is natural, but taking his disappointment out on his pregnant wife is wrong and totally unacceptable.” – creamofwheatski
“LMFAO (laughing my a** off), his mother has a biology degree! That’s the best part, though; it’s like he willfully ignored everything in biology and sex-ed because of her or something, and then he doubled down on it, despite knowing nothing and having a mother with a biology degree.”
“He could have asked her at any point instead of arguing with his wife, and he could have avoided any and all embarrassment. It’s so funny but sad.” – rachelboese
“HE was the one who asked his mom the question and found it he was EPICALLY wrong.”
“OP did nothing wrong here at all! He learned something, felt a little dumb, and then promptly needed to aim his hurt feelings at someone else instead of taking responsibility and laughing it off.”
“Geez, he’s a big baby, lol (laughing out loud). NTA.” – beanz4ever
“He was already trying to find someone else to blame for not getting what he wanted. So of course he found someone else to blame for being mansplained to by his own mom making him feel foolish.”
“Can’t accept responsibility for anything, apparently.” – StateChemist
“He’s an a**hole because his wife is currently pregnant and he’s already talking about the next one. That poor girl, she’s not even there yet and already he’s writing her off.”
“My aunt had five girls. Fortunately, my uncle wasn’t an a**hole and adored his girls.” – MotherSupermarket532
“Girl, you know you’re NTA.”
“Three things may be happening. He feels less manly because he’s producing girls.”
“Second, he’s disappointed because he learned his dream of having a son was less likely to come true, even if he switched partners. He might not have been thinking about this, but now he knows that even in the event that happened, he still wouldn’t have a son.”
“And third, he doesn’t understand either of those feelings, so he’s doing the very human thing of attributing his feelings to something he understands more, which in this case is being embarrassed.”
“You know the truth. You didn’t embarrass him, he embarrassed himself, but that’s likely not the true source of his distress.” – TheSweetestGrace
Others agreed and argued that this whole conversation could have been avoided.
“I personally enjoyed how he blamed OP for embarrassing him when he was the one who asked his mom. OP tried to explain it to him, so he didn’t have to ask, but he refused facts. He embarrassed himself.” – trvllr
“His mom has a biology degree. Why hasn’t it come up especially if he has this weird core belief that women are the reason they have boys or girls? Like, who did he accept this information from?”
“Because clearly he and his mom aren’t on the same page. Which is so weird. I wonder what type of biology she studies. Is it marine, human, insect, etc.?”
“Glad mom put him in his place, though. NTA!” – overtlygrrl
“He made it up, and it seemed logical in his mind, so it must be true. I guess at some point, he noticed his mom’s side having only boys, so he deducted from that it must be up to the woman. He was not at all bothered by any fact-checking, until now.”
“This is usually the case when somebody seems very sure of themselves. Like, ‘I see X, so it must be because of Y. There couldn’t be any other explanation, because I’m so clever, I figured it out.'”
“Unfortunately, we humans tend to overestimate our own intelligence. The OP’s husband certainly overestimated his. NTA to OP and her mother-in-law.” – Iridescent-ADHD
“Your husband is the AH for blaming you for the gender of your kids regardless of biological facts. NTA.”
“And then he’s like, ‘WAH! I’M GONNA ASK MY MOMMY!’ and when his mommy confirms he’s an”””” ignorant moron, he leaves and blames the embarrassment of asking his mommy on his wife?”
“Sounds like OP already has a boy child.” – aliengoddess_
“These are things I learned as an 11-year-old in biology class! This man needs to go back to high school. Let’s hope baby girl inherits her brains from mum and grandma.” – Apart_Foundation1702
“NTA. He asked his mom, not you, and genetically, he is the reason you keep having girls.”
“Please don’t keep having kids just because he wants a boy only have more kids if you actually want to have another daughter because chances are that’s what you’ll get.”
“My mum wanted a boy. She had five girls before she finally got the kid she actually wanted. Although she never said she didn’t want us, she did make it very clear he was her favorite. Whatever her prince wanted he got; nothing was too good for him. I was lucky if I actually got dinner.”
“I’m not saying he wouldn’t love your girls if you had a boy, but don’t have more kids just because he wants a boy.” – Lost-Needleworker285
“To confirm, he’s upset that ‘you embarrassed him,’ even though the point of him asking his mom was to hopefully embarrass you and that backfired, so of course it’s your fault. The mental gymnastics of some men.”
“Tell him to stop trying to make you look stupid in front of his mom and then he’ll stop embarrassing himself. NTA.” – FunnyCharacter4437
“NTA, he embarrassed himself by not believing you. Also, tell him that a quick internet search would have told him the same thing.”
“He’s just embarrassed that 1) he was wrong 2) he doubled down on you to try to prove his case and it backfired 3) Now he has to admit that you were right and his precious little ego is bruised.” – theworldisonfire8377
While the subReddit could empathize with the husband’s disappointment, they felt that his embarrassment could have been totally avoided with a quick Google search or paying attention in biology class in high school.
More than anything, though, the husband shouldn’t have sought out a way to embarrass his wife. By trying to embarrass her, he simply set himself up for failure.