Gender disappointment is a concept that has been discussed much more often on social media as of late and carries with it a lot less shame than it used to. Having a gender for your baby in mind is fair, and even initially being disappointed if they are a different gender than you were expecting is a reasonable and common reaction.
It's all about what you do with those feelings that can make it a problem, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor MaleficientType4187 was surprised when her husband began to blame her for them only having daughters, even though that isn't how genetics actually work.
When he attempted to pin the blame on her by talking to his biologist mother, the Original Poster (OP) simply looked on in amusement while his mother confirmed that he was actually the problem.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for explaining to my husband that he's the reason we keep having daughters?"
The OP's husband blamed her for them only having daughters.
"I (30 Female) have two daughters and am currently pregnant with my third girl. We just found out this morning."
"On the drive to my husband's mother's house, he explained how he was a bit disappointed about having a girl. But then he said, 'I should've expected this because you have three sisters.'"
"I explained that my having three sisters had nothing to do with the gender of our child."
"He said it's genetics and that I'm the reason for our daughters."
"I told him that's not how biology works, but he said it is."
"He then went on the explain that his mom only has brothers and his two oldest brothers both have two sons because of his mom's side."
"I told that doesn't make any sense, because it should be the same for him, then. He said no because both of their wives have more brothers than sisters, too."
"He was getting frustrated, but I was just laughing at him. I explained that he and his oldest two brothers have different dads, but out of his dad's eight kids, three are boys, and five are girls. The men determine the gender."
"He said that was not true because the kids his dad had with his mom were all boys."
The OP's husband decided to get her mother-in-law involved.
"He dropped it and said he'll ask his mom who has a degree in biology."
"So we got to his parents' house for brunch, and he asked his mom if I was the reason we kept having girls."
"She told him bluntly that the men determine the gender and it was actually not a 50/50 chance."
"She then went on to explain that the more of one gender you have, the higher the chances that your next child is also going to be that gender."
"So he asked if it was likely that he would have a boy. She told him that if he kept trying, it might happen."
The OP was surprised when her husband continued to blame her.
"He just walked to the car and said he was going for a drive."
"I received a text from him saying that I didn't have to embarrass him like that."
"I was so confused."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her husband's ego just wanted validation.
"Ah, he's a man that knows everything! More than the wife. So it should be him mansplaining facts to his wife."
"And how dare his wife make him ask his mother!" - damienjarvo
"He wanted to embarrass his wife, but didn't like it when he felt embarrassed after his mom explained the biology after HE asked her to." - 13-indersingh
"I'd be p**sed he didn't believe it until his mother told him he was wrong. Being p**sed at OP because he is a moron is even stupider. It sounds like he's mad he can't blame OP for them having a bunch of girls and is too much of a man-baby to admit he was wrong."
"Being disappointed about not having a boy is natural, but taking his disappointment out on his pregnant wife is wrong and totally unacceptable." - creamofwheatski
"LMFAO (laughing my a** off), his mother has a biology degree! That's the best part, though; it's like he willfully ignored everything in biology and sex-ed because of her or something, and then he doubled down on it, despite knowing nothing and having a mother with a biology degree."
"He could have asked her at any point instead of arguing with his wife, and he could have avoided any and all embarrassment. It's so funny but sad." - rachelboese
"HE was the one who asked his mom the question and found it he was EPICALLY wrong."
"OP did nothing wrong here at all! He learned something, felt a little dumb, and then promptly needed to aim his hurt feelings at someone else instead of taking responsibility and laughing it off."
"Geez, he's a big baby, lol (laughing out loud). NTA." - beanz4ever
"He was already trying to find someone else to blame for not getting what he wanted. So of course he found someone else to blame for being mansplained to by his own mom making him feel foolish."
"Can't accept responsibility for anything, apparently." - StateChemist
"He's an a**hole because his wife is currently pregnant and he's already talking about the next one. That poor girl, she's not even there yet and already he's writing her off."
"My aunt had five girls. Fortunately, my uncle wasn't an a**hole and adored his girls." - MotherSupermarket532
"Girl, you know you're NTA."
"Three things may be happening. He feels less manly because he's producing girls."
"Second, he's disappointed because he learned his dream of having a son was less likely to come true, even if he switched partners. He might not have been thinking about this, but now he knows that even in the event that happened, he still wouldn't have a son."
"And third, he doesn't understand either of those feelings, so he's doing the very human thing of attributing his feelings to something he understands more, which in this case is being embarrassed."
"You know the truth. You didn't embarrass him, he embarrassed himself, but that's likely not the true source of his distress." - TheSweetestGrace
Others agreed and argued that this whole conversation could have been avoided.
"I personally enjoyed how he blamed OP for embarrassing him when he was the one who asked his mom. OP tried to explain it to him, so he didn't have to ask, but he refused facts. He embarrassed himself." - trvllr
"His mom has a biology degree. Why hasn't it come up especially if he has this weird core belief that women are the reason they have boys or girls? Like, who did he accept this information from?"
"Because clearly he and his mom aren't on the same page. Which is so weird. I wonder what type of biology she studies. Is it marine, human, insect, etc.?"
"Glad mom put him in his place, though. NTA!" - overtlygrrl
"He made it up, and it seemed logical in his mind, so it must be true. I guess at some point, he noticed his mom's side having only boys, so he deducted from that it must be up to the woman. He was not at all bothered by any fact-checking, until now."
"This is usually the case when somebody seems very sure of themselves. Like, 'I see X, so it must be because of Y. There couldn't be any other explanation, because I'm so clever, I figured it out.'"
"Unfortunately, we humans tend to overestimate our own intelligence. The OP's husband certainly overestimated his. NTA to OP and her mother-in-law." - Iridescent-ADHD
"Your husband is the AH for blaming you for the gender of your kids regardless of biological facts. NTA."
"And then he's like, 'WAH! I'M GONNA ASK MY MOMMY!' and when his mommy confirms he's an"""" ignorant moron, he leaves and blames the embarrassment of asking his mommy on his wife?"
"Sounds like OP already has a boy child." - aliengoddess_
"These are things I learned as an 11-year-old in biology class! This man needs to go back to high school. Let's hope baby girl inherits her brains from mum and grandma." - Apart_Foundation1702
"NTA. He asked his mom, not you, and genetically, he is the reason you keep having girls."
"Please don't keep having kids just because he wants a boy only have more kids if you actually want to have another daughter because chances are that's what you'll get."
"My mum wanted a boy. She had five girls before she finally got the kid she actually wanted. Although she never said she didn't want us, she did make it very clear he was her favorite. Whatever her prince wanted he got; nothing was too good for him. I was lucky if I actually got dinner."
"I'm not saying he wouldn't love your girls if you had a boy, but don't have more kids just because he wants a boy." - Lost-Needleworker285
"To confirm, he's upset that 'you embarrassed him,' even though the point of him asking his mom was to hopefully embarrass you and that backfired, so of course it's your fault. The mental gymnastics of some men."
"Tell him to stop trying to make you look stupid in front of his mom and then he'll stop embarrassing himself. NTA." - FunnyCharacter4437
"NTA, he embarrassed himself by not believing you. Also, tell him that a quick internet search would have told him the same thing."
"He's just embarrassed that 1) he was wrong 2) he doubled down on you to try to prove his case and it backfired 3) Now he has to admit that you were right and his precious little ego is bruised." - theworldisonfire8377
While the subReddit could empathize with the husband's disappointment, they felt that his embarrassment could have been totally avoided with a quick Google search or paying attention in biology class in high school.
More than anything, though, the husband shouldn't have sought out a way to embarrass his wife. By trying to embarrass her, he simply set himself up for failure.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp