We always want to be there for our family.
Even if they make it almost unbearably difficult for us.
When we find that family members need extra help and attention, we do our best to put our own feelings aside and be there for them, right?
Of course, everyone has their limits.
Redditor ITA_Conflicted_Wish made her father a promise regarding her mother when he was on his deathbed.
Even though the original poster (OP) didn’t have the best relationship with her mother, she made every effort not to let her father down.
That is, until she made a shocking discovery about her mother’s will, making her question if fulfilling her father’s last wish was even worth it.
Questioning whether or not this would be a wise decision, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Would I Be The A**hole” (AITA), where she. asked fellow Redditors:
“WIBTA for refusing to continue my dad’s death wish, because of my mother’s will?”
The OP explained why she questioned breaking the last promise she ever made her father:
“I (40 F[emale]) am the primary healthcare proxy for my mother (85 F), and our relationship is… complicated to say the least.”
“Growing up, my parents have always had favorites between me and my brother (44 M[ale] now).”
“My brother was my mother’s favorite, and I was my dad’s favorite.”
“And because of that, it sort of ‘balanced out’.”
“However, my dad passed away last year when he was 91, and it was a really difficult time for me and my mother.”
“Especially since my mother’s health had declined a lot since my dad passed away.”
“And despite how I wasn’t as close to my mother, I still decided to step up to take care of her.”
“Especially when my dad asked me to do so on his death bed, because he didn’t want my mother to be all alone after he passed away.”
“However, recently, I heard from one of my dad’s friends about how my mother was planning on leaving almost everything behind for my brother in her will.”
“How my brother was going to get the majority of the financial inheritance, all of the family heirlooms, and most importantly… the family home that my father wanted to give to me but decided not to do so because he didn’t want to make my mother homeless.”
“And that bothers me because not only have I been the one to take care of her for the last year, but also because this kind of blatant favoritism seemed far too extreme, even for me.”
“Especially since my brother already has a house on his own since my father gifted him one when he first got married, while I still don’t have one for myself, because I promised my dad that me and my (now deceased) husband that we wouldn’t buy one for ourselves, since my dad wanted to give us the family home.”
“So, when I confronted my mother over this, she not only confirmed that it was true, but she told me that she thought it would be better for my brother to have the family home because it was bigger than the house that he had now.”
“And that he and his wife (34 F) were going to have another child soon, so they need more room.”
“And she also argued that since I only had one daughter and no husband, I didn’t need such a big house.”
“But when I told her about what my dad promised me about the family home, she argued that if he really meant it, then he would have given it to me in the first place instead of just leaving it under her own name.”
“And since she owns the house now, she was going to give it to my brother, no matter what.”
“But she did try to ‘provide’ me with solutions by telling me that I should ask my brother for his house if owning a house was the main issue.”
“Which obviously wasn’t going to work out.”
“And now, because of what feels like a massive betrayal, I feel like I should just cut my support for her, sign away my rights as her healthcare proxy, and never talk to her again.”
“But I also feel conflicted if I did so, because I’ll be betraying my dad’s death wish.”
“Especially since I promised that I would take care of her after he died.”
“So, WIBTA for wanting to refuse to continue to support my mother because of what she wrote down on her will?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Initially, the Reddit community sympathized with the OP, feeling she would not be the a**hole if she stopped caring for her mother since her mother didn’t seem to offer her any love or care in return:
“NTA.”
“But you’re the AH to yourself if you stay.”
“She favors your brother so much, and he has a partner to help, so sign the healthcare proxy over to him.”
“I’m sure he’ll be very glad to help someone who is giving him so much.”
“And while that’s ongoing, talk to a lawyer.”
“Do you have any documentation proving that your dad wanted you to have the house?”
“You may be able to contest your mom’s ownership if you do.”
“But even if you don’t: document all the time you have spent caring for her, set yourself an hourly rate, total up the costs, and request payment.”
“You may be able to recoup the time spent caregiving from the estate after she passes.”- Kingsdaughter613
“NTA.”
“You fulfilled your father’s wish (taking care of your mother) on the condition of granting a different wish of his (giving you the house).”
“He wanted you cared for.”- IzarkKiaTarj
“NTA.”
“There are solutions that would have ensured that you got the house while letting your mother live there until she died or needed a higher level of care.”
“An estate attorney would have led your father through them.”
“If he was the sole owner of the house, he could have created a trust with some money in it for home maintenance and property taxes plus the house that gave your mother a life estate in the house, with you as the remainderman, or final beneficiary, of the trust.”
“He could have made you a co-owner of the house with right of survivorship and relied on your promise to let your mother live there until she died.”
“These solutions would also be available if your mother and father were joint owners of the house, but she would have had to agree to them prior to your father’s death.”
“If you have any documentation of your father’s intentions, talk to a lawyer.”
“You may have grounds to contest the transfer of the house to your mother.”
“Just as one can refuse to be the executor of an estate, you don’t have to be your mother’s health care proxy, nor are you obligated to provide her care.”
“She can hire carers privately and pay them, and you can relinquish the health care proxy to your brother.”
“If he won’t accept it, there is probably a revocation or resignation form for the health care proxy that you can sign to include in your mother’s health care records.”
“That you are providing care to your mother is saving her a lot of money because she doesn’t have to hire help or go to an assisted living facility.”- No_Philosopher_1870
However, the OP later returned with an update, sharing a bit more information regarding her family dynamic:
‘…after my dad died, he left behind a favorable amount of money for me.”
“About 70/20/10, with 70% going to me (with me getting about 5.5mil for both personal uses and for medical care for my mother), 20% going to my brother (so he gets 1.7mil to support his family), and 800K for my mother for her to use for her own personal care (and that I would use the money I received from my dad to care for her).”
“And yes, I know this is blatant favoritism from both sides (and yes… I know it wasn’t fair for our parents to play favorites).”
“Which is why I’m not upset about my brother receiving the majority of my mother’s will in both finances and in having the rest of the family heirlooms.”
“The only thing that I’m just upset about is not getting the family home like I was promised by my father.”
“Especially since that’s what my dad wished for me to have, only for my mother to trample all over that because she believes that my brother needs the home more than I do.”
Upon reading this update, the Reddit community had much more trouble sympathizing with the OP, or anyone for that matter, finding the OP misled people into believing she would suffer greatly owing to her mother’s will and finding the general dynamic of this entire family petty and entitled:
“ESH.”
“Your original post included a lot of little extraneous details while leaving out the punchline: that your father gave you such a disproportionate share of the financial assets that even if your mother leaves everything left to your brother, it still won’t equal the 70% you already got.”
“And even in your edits, you don’t mention discussing the unfair distribution with your brother, much less giving him a fair share of what you got, nor do you mention trying to talk your dad into giving you less money but ensuring you got the house (or at least a share of the house).”
‘So it definitely seems like you don’t object to inequality itself, just inequality that doesn’t benefit you.”
“Both your acceptance of the original unfair inheritance and your choice to hide that relevant fact from us were AH-ish behaviors on your part.’
“But you still aren’t obligated to continue with the current situation of taking care of someone you resent, regardless of your problematic father’s deathbed wishes.”
‘You probably need to sit down with your brother to figure out the finances so that your mother is fairly and appropriately covered for her needs out of the joint assets she and your father had before his death.”
“Figuring out what the distribution of assets should have been if your parents had done the fair thing is the right thing to do, and once you do that, hopefully you and your brother can build a relationship without the resentments your parents set you up for.”- DinaFelice
“ESH.”
“OP, you are just throwing a fit because you don’t like the form that your inheritance took, but it sounds like the split is close to equal in monetary value at the end of the day.”
“I’m sure you have sentimental value attached to the house but this is part of growing up for a lot of people, we are usually not in control of what happens to our childhood home.”
“I’m not going to say you need to engage with a relative with whom you have a bad relationship, but I think you bear some responsibility for her care.”
“You can pay for half if you don’t want to do it yourself.”- polyetc
It must have been an unusual childhood for the OP and her brother, growing up in a household that seemed to be two against two.
Even so, it’s sad that the OP and her mother appear stubborn enough not to focus on mending their relationship and instead find themselves stuck in the past.
Especially considering they don’t seem to have much time to make things right…