Even though getting a new job is exciting, getting acclimated to the needs of the position can still feel like a roller coaster.
Getting to know coworkers, especially less-than-welcoming coworkers, doesn’t make this transition period any easier, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Far_Pay8487 had just started at a new workplace when she found out that a colleague was going to get married soon. Being brand new to the office, she did not expect to be invited to the wedding, but she was pleased to be invited to the work office party.
But when one of the colleague’s friends approached her and said she couldn’t attend the work party, either, which would take place in the breakroom where she had lunch, the Original Poster (OP) had to uncomfortably stay at her desk to eat alone.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my boss that I wasn’t invited to the party?”
The OP just joined a new place that was in the middle of celebrating a coworker’s wedding.
“I (26 Female) just started at a new job.”
“I quickly realized that one of my colleagues, Marie,’ is engaged and is getting married within the next two months.”
“It seemed like the whole office was attending the wedding. I absolutely did not expect an invite. She just met me, weddings are planned in advance, venues are booked, etc. My friend actually just got married, so I saw firsthand how it all worked.”
“I could tell Marie wondered if I was expecting an invitation and was hesitant to bring up the wedding around me, but I just never made it a big deal. I don’t feel left out in the slightest.”
The OP thought she was invited at least to the workplace shower.
“Then, I got CC’d on an e-mail from someone at the office, Joan, who is throwing Marie a shower during our lunch hour in the breakroom in a couple of weeks.”
“Joan was sending out a collection so we could give a group gift (cash) to Marie. They also suggested we make it a potluck.”
“Joan included her Venmo and also asked we e-mail back with what we planned on bringing.”
“Even if I’m not going to the wedding, I still believe everyone deserves to be celebrated Venmo’d the 20 dollars, as well as sent a reply saying I’d bring lasagna.”
She was shocked when she’d be excluded from that, as well.
“A little later, I saw the 20 dollars had been returned to my Venmo, and Joan approached my desk. She said I didn’t need to contribute.”
“I said even if I’m not attending the wedding, I’d still like to give Marie a little something.”
“Joan looked a little awkward and hemmed and hawed for a minute but then eventually said, ‘You’re not invited to the shower.'”
“I was confused. I said, ‘I can’t go in the company breakroom on lunch hour?'”
“She said yes, that was correct.”
“I asked where I was supposed to go. I don’t drive (I take public transit to and from work), and we don’t really work near anywhere I could go to quickly for our lunch hour.”
“She said I could stay at my desk.”
“I pointed out this was a little exclusionary.”
“Joan said Marie didn’t want me to assume I was invited to the wedding.”
“I said I don’t at all. I completely understand I haven’t worked here long and we’re not close enough. I’m not hurt by that.”
“She said that was great, but I still couldn’t come.”
“I asked if I had done anything to offend Marie, and she said no. She just doesn’t want me ‘getting my hopes up’ about attending the wedding.”
“I finally let it go and just said fine and to have a good party.”
“I didn’t say this, but I did have the thought, ‘I honestly would rather not attend a wedding of someone I’m not close to, so I’m not offended at all.’ But I was trying to be nice!”
“There are ‘e-mail groups’ that make it easy to CC everyone on a group e-mail. I assume they forgot to delete me from it, and then things were awkward.”
“But I also wonder what the plan was the day of if I hadn’t gotten the e-mail? If I just walked into the breakroom to have my lunch and there was this party? Would they have asked me to leave? It’s just very weird.”
The day of the work wedding shower, the truth came out.
“The day of the shower, I sat at my desk during the party while everyone else went, eating my lunch alone.”
“One kind person snuck me a piece of cake.”
“Halfway through the party, the big boss came in (we have an on-site supervisor, who was at the party, and the big boss comes in periodically). She usually doesn’t work on Fridays, so it was a surprise to see her.”
“She saw me sitting at my desk and asked why I wasn’t at the party.”
“I told her I hadn’t been invited.”
“She was clearly perturbed by this.”
“Later on, she sent an e-mail out banning parties of any kind during work hours.”
“A few people, Joan and Marie included, realize I’m the one who told. They’ve now turned on me.”
The people around the OP were divided about her telling the truth.
“Some friends say I’m in the wrong here and that I should’ve lied to the big boss and said I was busy with work to finish or something so as not to ruin it for everyone else.”
“I was told by a few colleagues that they didn’t find it fair, especially the kind soul that snuck me some cake. I know I have some allies here, which is why I plan to stick out this job.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt Joan had been incredibly messy when CC’ing the OP on the group email.
“WHY WERE YOU CC’D ON THAT F**KING EMAIL FOR VENMO PAYMENT AND ASKING ‘WHAT ARE Y’ALL BRINGING’ IF YOU WEREN’T INVITED?”
“That’s enraging. NTA.” – zeeelfprince
“NTA. They sound like high school mean girls. You were so kind to offer money and lasagna. Sorry that happened to you!” – Diligent-Ratio-4654
“It wasn’t just Joan; she was just the messenger; this was all from Marie. Who the hell pointedly refuses to invite someone to a party at work? They both sound insufferable.” – TaylorMade2566
“‘Don’t want anyone getting their hopes up,’ which is insane. Whoever ‘hopes’ to go to someone’s wedding when you don’t even know the person?”
“I would’ve understood if they told her, ‘You’re more than welcome to come to the shower, but please, don’t give towards a gift. We don’t want you to feel obliged to give a gift since Marie barely knows you and hasn’t invited you to the wedding. So please come and enjoy the company and food!'”
“Instead they pointedly UN-invite her, then blame her for not lying to their boss. What a bunch of mean girls.” – Patriquito
“I was just thinking to myself, ‘Whoa, Potluck!’ Everyone loves them a potluck at work (at least my coworkers and I always seemed excited by them – there was always lots of delicious food). Any gift(s)/cards were secondary to An Office Potluck!”
“Why the h**l would anyone think it was OK to exclude someone from a freaking office potluck?”
“Boss was dead on to rights for calling folks out, and HR should be OP’s next step.” – 2dogslife
Others found it laughable that Joan thought the OP would ‘get her hopes up’ for a stranger’s wedding.
“‘Mean girls’ is the perfect description of those two. I may have hyper-extended my optic nerves with how much I rolled my eyes at ‘getting her hopes up.'”
“Girl, your wedding is not that big of a deal to other people. Chill!” – Born_Key_6492
“The phrase, ‘She doesn’t want anyone getting their hopes up,’ is just weird. Why would anyone get their hopes up about attending the wedding of someone they barely know?”
“Marie is acting like her wedding is the event of the century and anyone not invited should feel unworthy. I wouldn’t apologize to either Joan or Marie. OP did nothing wrong.” – mojojojo927
“NTA. They’re the ones who f**ked around and did an exclusionary thing. You didn’t tattle on them to the big boss. The boss asked you why you were sitting at your desk/weren’t at the party, and you explained.”
“All Marie had to do was be a gracious person and include you in the office gathering. You were fine with a $20 contribution and lasagna, and she didn’t have to be weird about you not going to the wedding.”
“Joan and Marie are the AHs here.” – NYCStoryteller
“Like, why didn’t Joanne go back to Marie and say, ‘Good news, she doesn’t mind at all about not being invited to the wedding, so we can invite her to the work shower.'”
“This whole situation could have been so easily avoided, by them. NTA.” – TootsNYC
Some assured the OP that it was not her fault that she simply told the truth when asked.
“I’m glad you told the boss the truth. Lying that you were avoiding the party by your own choice would make you look like the unfriendly one, and as you’re new in your role and your boss is not frequently in the office, you can’t afford bad impressions, especially untrue ones.” – SummitJunkie7
“You weren’t not invited. You were invited, uninvited, mean girled, and now you’re in a hostile work environment for telling the truth.”
“Time to go to HR and lay it all out. Welcome to office politics, time to cover your a**.” – Doctor_Kabong
“Not only were you not invited, but you were specifically told not to come! Not your fault that you told your boss a truthful story.” – dr_lucia
“They told OP to not even go into the staff lunchroom during lunch because they did not want any awkwardness of OP not invited to something on company property, which is already so incredibly childish and exclusionary.”
“A rational and mature response would have been to invite the new person to the staff lunch/shower after quietly speaking to them about not being invited to the wedding.”
“Also getting mad at OP for telling the truth to the big boss, for telling on them, for f**k’s sake, how old are these people? Five?!” – aikigirl
“Also, you can’t ban someone from the company breakroom for a private event. Every employee has just as much right to use the break room as any other employee.”
“If they really want to have a bridal shower, you either invite every employee in the workplace if it’s during business hours and in the company break room, or you find a different day and time and place to have it.” – MrsKuroo
“I would have gone to HR after the discussion with Joan and told them I was being excluded from the break room because I wasn’t invited to the wedding or the shower. Is there anywhere else I’m allowed to have lunch?”
“Most of my jobs have been heavy on computer use, and no meals or snacks at your desk has been the rule at all of them.” – Sigwynne
“NTA.”
“They used company resources and excluded someone in the company. That’s against HR policy, I’m sure.”
“They didn’t ‘not’ invite you, they deliberately BLOCKED you from going and TOLD you to stay at your desk. They deserved what they got. Time to grey rock them.”
“Just say, ‘Sorry, the boss asked me a direct question, and I assumed you were going to tell her the truth, so I wasn’t going to lie and possibly get in trouble.'”
“Marie and Joan are mean girls. Period. Document any retaliation as soon as possible.” – armadillo_of_doom
“OP was kinder than they deserved. She only gave an honest answer to the boss, that she hadn’t been invited. She didn’t admit that the office bullies had actively forbidden her from even going to the break room during lunch so they could enjoy their party without having to look at the person they were excluding.”
“The boss saw workplace bullying happening and implemented a policy to keep the same thing from happening again. Goob job by the boss; I’m not sure it’s necessarily the right way to handle it, but at least she’s trying, which is more than can be said about many other bosses.”
“OP is obviously NTA and should talk to HR immediately, both about the initial exclusion and about the retaliation.” – evind2610
The subReddit couldn’t stop rolling their eyes over the OP “getting her hopes up” for the wedding when she was trying to be nice to the coworkers she had just met.
If the coworkers didn’t want to be reprimanded for excluding one of their colleagues, they should have been more welcoming.