Content Warning: Mentions of Abuse and Narcissism
As much as we might like to trust the people around us, there are some people in the world who are uniquely gifted in hiding how they really are.
But once the mask starts to slip, it’s all downhill from there, cautioned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Glittering_Trifle421 had been so happy to propose to his girlfriend of two years, only to find out that she was nothing like the woman he thought he was proposing to, and she had a secret friend group he had never heard of before or met.
When he realized this life was not at all what he had signed up for, the Original Poster (OP) was quick to retract his proposal.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH if I break up with my fiancée after she showed a startling change in behavior after getting engaged?”
The OP’s girlfriend changed before his eyes once he proposed.
“I (32 Male) just recently proposed to my girlfriend of two years, Sharon (30 Female), a month and a half ago, and it feels like the second the ring got on her finger, her attitude and behavior made a total 180.”
“The entire time we were dating, we seemed exceptionally compatible, and at least it seemed we shared common beliefs and morals.”
“Seven weeks ago, I proposed and she said yes, and I felt like it was the happiest moment for the two of us. But not even a week later, it’s like her attitude totally flipped.”
The first big discovery was Sharon’s secret friend group.
“I thought I knew all her friends, but one day, I came home, and there were six women I’d never seen before, and Sharon introduced me to them.”
“I was curious as to why I was just now meeting them when I already met Sharon’s two best friends (Michelle and Octavia, both not present) over a year and a half ago.”
“Sharon said she wanted to make sure we were a ‘sure thing’ before I met her ‘inner circle.'”
“I found this strange, not to mention it was a weeknight and they were quickly draining my wine rack of wine. Sharon still had her own place, but she stayed with me so often she practically lived here. Still, I found it incredibly rude when they left, with four empty bottles of Rosé in their wake.”
“I tried to talk to Sharon about having uninvited guests on weeknights, and she dismissed my grievance very flippantly. Quite literally, she brushed me off.”
Sharon’s nightlife was much different than the OP thought it was, as well.
“In the following weeks, she went out with ‘the girls’ several times, and when she brought ‘the girls’ to my place (twice without notice, once with notice to ‘appease’ me, her words), they all treated me like a butler, shaking their empty wine glasses at me for refills.”
“After the fourth time, I made it clear that I would get a locked wine rack.”
“Sharon just called me ‘no fun’ after that.”
There were extreme moral differences, too.
“It gets worse. Sharon decided me and ‘the girls’ got off on the wrong foot, and said we should have dinner together at a nice restaurant. Well, I went, and it was not great. The six kept prodding me about my life, my house, my career, but deflected every question I asked.”
“It got especially bad at night when they started talking about modern relationships and jealousy, and one of them brought up some key points about relationships that I thought Sharon and I were on the same page about (specifically what-ifs regarding polyamory and being friends with exes).”
“To my shock, Sharon said we shouldn’t be ‘too hasty’ on such decisions, which was a total 180 to how she expressed herself on these things only a month prior (where she was vehemently against keeping ex-intimate partners in friends circles and was staunchly monogamous).”
Sharon had started to volunteer the OP’s money, as well.
“The worst part was when the bill arrived, Sharon announced it should be ‘together’ and slid me the check.”
“I told her she couldn’t be serious, and we got into a bit of an argument. I ended it by putting my amount down in cash and walked out, leaving them to figure out the rest of the bill.”
“The next days after that, Sharon kept calling me ‘toxic’ and ‘fragile’, but every time I even pushed at it, she would give an apology and promise she was just ‘stressed at work.'”
Then there was the expensive golf club incident.
“It’s nuts, we haven’t even planned the wedding yet. The worst part was this Monday, when at work, I got a Nest Doorbell alert, checked, and saw Sharon and one of her six new friends arriving at my place, going in, and exiting with my golf clubs.”
“This set was a gift from my father, they’re very sentimental to me, and they cost a pretty penny, too, so Sharon lending it out without my permission got me p**sed.”
“I immediately called Sharon and told her and her friend to return the clubs.”
“Sharon tried to gaslight me with, ‘But you promised to lend the clubs to her boyfriend, remember?'”
“I told her the clubs’ cost would move this situation into a serious crime, and her and her friend had an hour to return them, or the cops would be called.”
“Sharon kept insisting she got my permission, and I told her to cut the crap.”
“Well, not 45 minutes later, I got another notification of Sharon and her friend coming back with the clubs and going inside, leaving them, and Sharon’s friend flipping off the Nest doorbell on the way out.”
“I got home and saw Sharon’s friend literally just threw the clubs back on the living room floor.”
“Sharon tried to talk to me about my ‘toxicity’ again, and I told her again to cut the crap.”
Sharon only seemed willing to talk when the OP threatened to retract his proposal.
“I said if I knew this was how she was, I would have never proposed.”
“That seemed to freak her out and she again insisted that she was ‘stressed from work,’ but I wasn’t buying it anymore.”
“I told her to return the ring and her key, and we would talk about our relationship this weekend.”
“She cried and begged me not to cancel the engagement, and insisted that it was just stress.”
“I told her again we will talk about it this weekend. She finally relented.”
“I had my house re-keyed anyway after she left, just to be safe.”
“Sharon has been texting me constant messages of love and apologies for getting swept up, and insisted she was only wanting to show me off to her close friends.”
“I don’t know, I’m just not buying it. The same ‘close friends’ have been sending me texts daily, calling me ‘toxic’ and ‘fragile’ again, saying they knew I wasn’t ‘man enough’ for Sharon or ‘secure enough’ to share her with friends.”
The OP received mixed messages from the people around him.
“A few of my friends that knew Sharon the entire two years we were dating were surprised and can’t believe she turned from Jekyll to Hyde this quick, and that there must be something missing, or that I am leaving something out.”
“They say I must have said something to trigger her friends to act like this, and I had to have been the AH somewhere along the process.”
“I also messaged one of Sharon’s ‘best friends,’ Michelle, on Facebook last night. I asked her about the six, and she told me that she, Octavia, and Sharon are cousins and grew up together. Michelle said that she didn’t really care for ‘the six,’ but didn’t say much else.”
“I dunno, it’s a lot to take from all directions right now.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was getting out of the relationship at the right time.
“This is the horror story everyone hears about where the person you propose to suddenly has a complete change. You’re living that complete change.”
“You are not the a**hole here. She finally showed you her true colors. She’s a gold digger and she thinks you’ll roll over for all of her inane materialistic toxic desires.”
“Maybe this was word choice or something but you made mention that you were told ‘I wasn’t ‘man enough’ for Sharon or ‘secure enough’ to share her with friends.’ I’m worried about that ‘share with her friends’ part, especially since it sounds like she wants to be non-monogamous at some point later on, and you mentioned that also where you thought she was staunchly monogamous.”
“You did the right things to get the ring back and to change all the locks. She’s not who she presented herself to be and that’s truly unfortunate. I’m sorry that you were tricked into believing her lies. You deserve better from a partner than this.”
“Please update when you can. But buddy, NTA, you saved yourself from heartache and sorrow later on. She’s a leech and her friends are life sentences.” – MarkoRonin
“NTA.”
“Your friends are id**ts and triggered? Nah, no normal person comes to someone’s house uninvited and drinks a ton of the person’s wine without permission. That alone is a big no-no, but everything else on top of that?!?”
“Nope, Sharon needed to be kicked out a long time ago. She and her friends were nothing but disrespectful towards you and your things, And just saw you as someone to use, period.”
“And her behavior shows she didn’t care as long as she could use you, and have access to your things, the only reason she is giving fake apologies is because you leaving means she can’t use you anymore.”
“The same goes for her leech a**hole friends. Instead of apologizing and wanting to make it right by reimbursing you, for the things they used, they are insulting you and she isn’t even telling them to stop.”
“So, OP, you made the correct choice by not only kicking her out but not going through with marrying her. She and her friends are nothing but users who weren’t going to change at all and continue to use you.” – Apprehensive-Fox3187
“I’ll take a stab at it. I’m guessing the place she is in her life now is a step up from where she came from. She got with OP who is wealthier/nicer/better mannered than the people she grew up around.”
“After she got engaged, she feels like she finally overcame her old life. So to celebrate, she invites all her friends from back home over so she can show off all the nice things she has now. A nice house to hang out in. Nice wine to drink. And best of all, a nice fiance who will give all of these things to her the moment she asks.”
“She probably hasn’t really been friends with these people in years, but now that she ‘made it,’ she wants to show off to all the girls she grew up with.”
“But because she has no class she took it too far and f**ked up. Now her trashy a** can stroll down the street and date whatever abusive meth head her ‘friends’ try to set her up with on the rebound. They probably have some good makeup tips for covering up a black eye, so everything will work out.”
“Source: I grew up in a poor area and got out. I’ve seen this story play out a few times usually followed by, ‘Why can’t I ever find a good man’ rants.”
“This is by no means an excuse for her behavior (far from it), and I hope the OP stays as far away from her and her ‘friends’ as he can get, but this theory would track.” – WhyBuyMe
“Two years, and she didn’t introduce you to these ‘friends’? She knows how terrible they are and how terrible she is with them. She put on quite a show to get the ring and now that she thought she had you locked down, she can show her true colors.”
“Unless you are leaving out something, you are definitely NTA. You are not toxic or fragile. You have standards.”
“What she did at the restaurant and with the golf clubs is toxic. It seems like she wants to show them she has you wrapped around her finger and that you will allow her (and them) to do whatever they want.”
“I wouldn’t give her another chance to use you for what you can do or give to her. No one that loves you would treat you like this, friends or no friends present.” – Away-Understanding34
“I’m a female, so this is from a woman’s perspective. You need to cut that off and RUN. You are her wallet. That’s literally what she’s parading you around as and she does not respect you.”
“It’s going to get worse if you marry this woman. Trust me. I have ‘friends’ like her, and they’re never satisfied unless you’re literally doing anything and everything for her because she’s trying to control you.”
“Yikes. NTA. Good luck, sir.” – Correct_Service1244
Others pointed out that Sharon revealed her true self too early to get what she wanted.
“I’m a woman, and I will just go ahead and say what a lot of women don’t really talk about much: some women just want to get married.”
“Sometimes these women will find a partner that meets all of their requirements and play the ‘perfect girlfriend’ role for whatever time it takes. They will say the right things, pretend to like hobbies, and keep certain expectations that might be bothersome to themselves, etc.”
“Once they get that ring, then they start to lay down the actual rules and the actual expectations. A lot of women like this are smart enough to wait until after the actual wedding to flip the script. This one jumped the gun.”
“Now, of course not all (not even most) women are like this, but quite a few are. And guys seem to be completely oblivious to it.” – Opposite-Act-7413
“The ‘Sharon’ you dated for two years was a mask she was wearing to get the ring. That’s why you never met the six Real Housewives rejects until after you were engaged. The woman she has shown you these last few weeks is the real Sharon. Run far and run fast, my friend.” – Solid-Feature-7678
“NTA. She kept her coven away from you until she had the ring on her finger and thought that it gave her total control.”
“The friends she introduced you to, claiming that they were her best friends were actually decoys so that you wouldn’t see what she really is and what her inner circle’ really are.”
“She should really have talked to them more when you realized what was happening. She’s been playing the victim and claiming she has no idea what could possibly be wrong while her friends have been messaging you and calling you names. She played her hand badly and didn’t get the backup she needed from her witches.”
“Put this down to a monumental mistake and don’t let her back in. Send her the messages from her friends and tell her that the crying and fake apologies won’t work because you know how she really feels.”
“Let them fight it out amongst themselves and move on.” – chez2202
“She wasn’t smart enough to wait to flip the bait and switch until after the wedding. She thought as soon as you got engaged, she had crossed the finish line and started her victory lap.”
“Her ‘inner circle’ is clearly her bad decision support group, too. The sooner you can dump her, the better for you.” – Fragrant_Spray
“No one hides away an important part of their lives for two whole years! I’m wondering if she’s had people dump her before because of these friends.”
“Either way, OP’s lucky they’ve seen it all now and can move on from this crazy lady!”
“Though I’d be very tempted to get in touch with her ‘best friends’ he knew about and see what info they have about the situation… just because I really am a nosey f**ker!” – Gullible_Fan4427
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“Sharon’s been gone now for an hour. The breakup is official, and I have the ring back.”
“I did talk to Michelle via Facebook and Michelle said she and Octavia were cousins of Sharon, and Michelle also said she knew ‘the six’ and didn’t care for them. Michelle didn’t say much more than that.”
“I did meet Sharon’s parents, and they both seemed to like me, and the topic of Michelle and Octavia never came up around them, but neither did the six.”
“None of our finances were intermingled (yet). It was planned for later this month, which now won’t happen.”
Earlier in the day, the OP had called Sharon to come over to talk, with witnesses present.
“I invited three of our mutual friends, Casey, John, and Mike, to be here when Sharon got here.”
“Sharon showed up and was surprised to see we had company. I said they were here for both of our sakes.”
“Sharon wanted to phone three of the six to come over to ‘even things out’ and I refused, and I used the club theft as a reason.”
“Sharon sat on the couch very dramatically and then asked if I really wanted to make this public.”
The OP cut right to the chase.
“I outright asked why she changed so much after the engagement and why she hid the existence of the six.”
“Sharon then went in again about how she insulates her inner circle until a partner is vetted.”
“I called bulls**t on that. I met her parents, and what’s more inner circle than your parents?”
“Sharon tried to deflect, but I wouldn’t have it. I pointed out how for the last month, her friends dropping by cost me nearly $500 in wine, which she by the way made no attempt to reimburse. I also pointed out her trying to make me pay an eight-person dinner bill without asking me first.”
“She again said she wanted to show ‘how great a guy’ I was, and how she clearly misjudged me and was disappointed in my attitude.”
“I then asked about the clubs. She tried gaslighting me with, ‘You totally said it was okay, remember?’ and I kept saying bulls**t.”
“Mike piped in; he knew the clubs were a gift from my dad, and I was highly protective of them. He too called bulls**t, and that’s when Sharon turned her attention to Mike and John, saying, ‘Isn’t he getting forgetful lately? Don’t you remember when he forgot that one date?’ and neither was buying it.”
The situation quickly ended after that.
“I finally said forget postponing the wedding or canceling the engagement, the entire relationship is going to end if she isn’t going to be straight with me.”
“Sharon made a very long, exaggerated sigh. She took the ring off and dropped it on the coffee table. She got up to leave and said, ‘You’re never going to find someone as good as me, ‘and told me to send her stuff to her apartment.”
“She left, and Casey, John, and Mike were totally stunned. All I could say was, ‘Believe me now?'”
“We ordered pizza and are waiting for it to arrive now. I am still utterly shocked and confused by Sharon’s attitude. I’m sure the heartbreak will come next, but right now, I’m just kind of numb.”
While this was a total rollercoaster of a situation, the subReddit was grateful that the OP not only had figured all of this out before marrying Sharon but that he had held his ground instead of simply giving her everything she wanted.
Based on the OP’s update, it seemed clear that Sharon expected the OP to accept who she was, no matter the financial, materialistic, or romantic costs, now that they were engaged.
When she realized that he wasn’t going to be so easy to convince, she coldly decided the relationship wasn’t worth pursuing.
Some people are really committed to treating relationships like transactions, and it shows.