While it’s not fun to think about, some parents actively choose not to be there for their kids, whether that means not interacting with them at home or not being in their life at all.
Every once in a while, one of these “parents” will decide to do something to try to “make it up to” their kids later in life, but it’s not always as great of a gift as it may seem, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Awkward_Position_908’s father was not there for her throughout her childhood, and at 21, she did not expect him to reappear.
So when he left a gift for her at her paternal aunt’s home, she was surprised.
When that gift turned out to be a large sum of money, the Original Poster (OP) was grateful but then surprised when her father’s wife came looking for it, expecting her to return it.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not giving my estranged father’s wife the money he sent me?”
The OP’s father had not been in the picture for basically her entire life.
“My father wasn’t in my (21 Female) life growing up. He left mom and me when I was two and refused to pay child support. He quit his job when he was tracked down for support, and he spent time in jail rather than pay.”
“Eventually, my mom stopped fighting because it was going nowhere. She felt like it was wasting resources chasing after him when it was obvious he was going to avoid it however he could.”
“A couple of years ago, he moved about an hour away, and I saw him for the first time since a court appearance when I was eight. We didn’t speak either of those times, but it surprised me that he came back.”
“I found out from my paternal aunt that he was married and had more kids. He’d reached out to her and wanted to reconnect, and she told him where to go. She had always taken my and my mom’s side and was always pretty disgusted he walked away like he did and refused to support me financially.”
The OP was surprised when he left a gift for her at his sister’s house.
“In December, my aunt told me he went to her house and left something for me there. I asked her what it was, and she had no idea, but she said it was in an envelope.”
“I opened it, and it was a check. And it was a big one, too.”
“I tried giving it to my mom, but she told me to keep it and he owed me, that he abandoned me, and it was the least I deserved. I tried telling her she deserved it more, but she wouldn’t even entertain the idea.”
“So after confirming it was legit, I lodged it into my account. It’s being saved for future me to have some money toward a house. It won’t buy me one, but it won’t hurt to have.”
“Also, in case anyone wonders about the past child support he didn’t pay, it’s not the full amount he owes. It’s honestly not even close to it, but the amount is still helpful.”
But then the OP’s father’s new wife showed up, expecting to be reunited with the money.
“Then his wife came looking for the money by going to my aunt’s house for me.”
“My aunt made her leave, and I wasn’t even there, but she showed up a few days later when I was there, and she demanded the money. She said it was money that was meant to go to her kids. She said that he had no right to drain their accounts for me.”
“I told her it wasn’t my problem, and my aunt threatened to call the cops.”
“She made it seem like they’re still together, but he did this behind her back anyway, so I don’t know what to think. But I don’t know a thing about either of them to say for sure. He could just like screwing people over. He could be dying and did it to make himself look or feel better before he dies or something, I don’t know.”
“My aunt told me that if that woman believed she had some legal right to get the money, she would have gone through official channels instead of showing up like she did.”
“She showed up at my aunt’s house again a few days after, and my aunt followed through and called the cops. But apparently, this woman left the message that I was selfish and entitled, and I stole it from her kids.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the new wife would have to claim the money legally to acquire it.
“NTA. If she had a legitimate claim to the money, she could make it through the courts. She’s harassing you because she probably doesn’t.”
“Save the money for your future. He gave it to you, so it belongs to you.” – Dschingis?Khaaaaan
“To be fair, even if it was her money that was deposited on her saving account and he found a way to get to that money even though his name wasn’t on the account: she would still have no legitimate claim to the money.”
“What’s his is hers and what’s hers is his: you can’t legally steal from your spouse.” – Wic-a-ding-dong
“This woman said ‘their accounts,’ so that money was community property, and since he owed years and years of support, OP’s claim would most likely trump the second wife’s claim to the money being for her kids, in court.”
“Judges don’t like deadbeats who support kids from another family but not the ones they had first.” – OkPsychology2376
“Why isn’t she talking to her husband who wrote the cheque? How is OP responsible for draining the accounts?! Why is she out here bullying the person who already missed out on everything that she and her children enjoyed?!” – FlyonthewallofRed
“I’m side-eyeing this woman hard for how she’s handling this situation and bullying the OP and her family, who were all negatively impacted by this ‘man”s actions.”
“But then again… Would you even date someone, marry someone, and have KIDS with someone who abandoned a child? She made that choice. The consequences are hers, not OP’s.”
“NTA.” – ReaderReacting
Others agreed and reassured the OP that she was entitled to the money her dad gave to her.
“You stole nothing.”
“Her kids have been supported by that deadbeat all their lives as she doesn’t give a f**k whether you were dead or alive or if you had food to eat or clothes to wear.”
“That’s all the back child support that deadbeat owes you, like your mom said.”
“You are entitled to that money and did not steal anything from anyone.”
“Keep calling the cops every time she shows up.”
“She chose to marry and have kids with a deadbeat who ghosted his own child for 19 years. Karma has finally found her address.”
“NTA.” – Mother_Search3350
“NTA.”
“This is the child support he owes you. He was a deadbeat who didn’t pay child support. This money was the child support he missed.”
“She can take it up with her husband. You did nothing wrong.”
“Also, don’t you dare give that money back. You deserve that money.” – Material_Cellist4133
“NTA. Not your monkey, not your circus. Your absent dad is definitely the AH for you, and it seems like he’s being the AH to his current family as well.”
“But you are no less entitled to that money than they are, and his current wife isn’t entitled to harass you or his sister over an issue she has with him.”
“Your aunt was right to involve the police, and she should do it again if it happens again. Take your mom out for a nice dinner, and then use the money in whatever way is best for you.” – RasilBathbone
“If she has a problem with it, tell her to go track down the deadbeat that gave it to you, but if she doesn’t stop harassing you and your family members, you’ll file a restraining order against her.”
“She’s nothing to you, and you owe her nothing, certainly not your peace of mind or the money he chose to give you.”
“Make sure your bank account is secured and password protected as well as your credit history. There’s no telling what crazy people will try when it comes to money. It’s yours, freely given, and she can pound sand if she doesn’t like it.”
“NTA. Stay strong.” – forgetregret1day
“Definitely NTA.”
“Document the harassment. Get the police reports to show the times that the police have been called on her.”
“If you are approached anywhere, record and call the police.”
“Accepting the money is not wrong. It’s owed to you for all of the years that you and your mom were financially neglected by your sperm donor.”
“Don’t be guilted or bullied by anyone into thinking you are taking something from the other kids. That’s not your problem or responsibility.”
“Girl, take the money and run.” – bino0526
“NTA. Your estranged father obviously weaponised your child support against your mother, despite the risk of you going without essentials like shelter, food, and clothing. So fast forward till you are legally an adult, like 21, and he has sent you a cheque for an amount, which he feels makes up for it.”
“You owe this woman nothing. And you owe your father nothing.”
“In fact, OP, I would go as far as to say that the person you should be most wary of is your father, especially if you are in college or look like you may be making good with your life in the near future.”
“I have seen this situation many times where an absent father turns up many years later when their abandoned child is now an adult and attempts to ‘buy’ their way back into their Child’s life.”
“This man has abandoned many women and children along the way. He will NEVER change; he is just paying up (with someone else’s money) to ensure he has someone to take care of him when he gets old.”
“Take care of yourself.” – Bluebells7788
The subReddit could agree that no amount of money would make up for the father’s absence in her life but hoped that this money would put her on a path to security in her future, whether it was money she could put toward a house or another essential expense.
The fact that the father’s new wife came looking for the money suggested that there was trouble in paradise. However, if she wanted renewed access to that money, she would need to use the proper channels and pursue the money in court.
The OP’s father and new family had already done enough in-person damage.