Blending families can take a lot of work.
Kids aren't always going to get along.
This is a situation a lot of parents can go overboard with.
Not all step-siblings are meant to be besties.
Redditor WasteGoose8271 wanted to discuss his experience and get feedback, so he naturally joined the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for snapping at my mom after she tried to force me to learn sign language?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (13 M[ale]) mom (35 F[emale]) has been dating with her now fiancé (38 M) (let's call him Jeremy) for two years."
"Five months ago, he proposed to her, and they got engaged and moved in together, and now they are planning their wedding."
"I am cool with this."
"I really like Jeremy. They were friends before they started dating, so I met and got close to him before he started dating my mom."
"I think he's really cool, and I am happy for my mom."
"My issue is with his annoying and arrogant son, he is only 2 years older than me but acts like he's too cool to hang out with me."
"He treats me like a little kid, but there's only 2 years between us."
"I will call him Dean."
"Dean is deaf and has to use a device (it's called a cochlear implant) to hear."
"But he can't wear his device all the time because apparently hearing can be exhausting for him."
"To be honest, I think this is an excuse he uses to avoid hanging out with us."
"But that's what he claims."
"Anyway, he and Jeremy both know sign language, but my mom and I don't."
"My mom has started learning after she got engaged to Jeremy, and she's pressuring me to learn too, but I'm refusing because I don't want to spend my time learning a whole language for him when he clearly doesn't even like me."
"My mom says I am being disrespectful because we now basically live semi-together."
"He comes to stay with Jeremy on the weekends."
"I live with my mom full time."
"So, unfortunately, I have to stay with Dean on weekends."
"Two days ago, my mom (in front of Jeremy, by the way) started telling me about this great ASL tutor she found online and how she's thinking of signing me up for her classes."
"I lost my temper, yelled, and told her I don't want to and just stop f**king pressuring me."
"I was told to go to my room for yelling at her and was grounded for a day for using that word."
The OP was left to wonder:
"I know I shouldn't have used that word but AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
"Soft YTA. More out of a lack of awareness."
"Side note: You can still communicate when diving if you know sign language."
"Also, hearing exhaustion is real for deaf people."
"It's like... my brain has to use more C[entral] P[rocessing] U[nit] to hear."
"First, your brain has to parse the words because hearing isn't a natural skill for you."
"I still don't register people as talking to me unless I am looking at them."
"Then, you use context for any words you might have missed to fill in the blanks."
"Accents also change the way people hold their mouths when talking, meaning you have to take that into account when lip reading."
"All of this. For. Every. Sentence. Ever."
"This is not even going into people's ableism."
"The anger thrown your way when you don't respond??"
"Or when you have to have something repeated??"
"It is exhausting." ~ Forward-Nothing7650
"Light YTA."
"He is a d**k."
"But as someone with hearing aids, and I've been considering the implant as my hearing loss gets worse, you have to understand it's not like regular hearing."
"Before I got hearing aids, the world was quiet."
"Chewing was just a motion."
"Birds chirping was distant and rare."
"Plane noise I could almost feel more than hear."
"Car honking that made people jump made me pay attention but feel no shock."
"Things were muted."
"When I got hearing aids, I got to learn many joys of being hearing able."
"A famous example is cats purring."
"You can feel it, but hearing it is so loud!"
"And suddenly it wasn't just loud things that were bothering me - I could hear chewing. Scrapping."
"The click of teeth together talking."
"Tongues hitting teeth."
"Scratching of skin."
"Sliding of chairs."
"Footsteps."
"Doors closing."
"Cars outside my house down the road revving."
"And to a normal hearing person, you get used to it."
"But for those of us who didn't get exposed to this passively, it's one MASSIVE sensory overload."
"You have to get used to a lot of sounds all at once."
"Be patient with him."
"Learn A[merican] S[ign] L[anguage] anyway."
"Do it to spite him."
"Make friends with Deaf people."
"Do you wonder if he's such an a** because he's used to having his own needs ignored?"
"That's not on you, but some people act out like jerks because the world has been cruel to him."
"You don't have to be his best friend in the whole world, but perhaps learning ASL could help you find something cool to connect with- a peace treaty, if you will." ~ secretlywicker
"YTA. It's not an excuse. "
"People who were born deaf (as I assume Dean was) can very easily get overwhelmed and exhausted while using cochlear implants."
"Hell, even some people who are born hearing get overwhelmed by sounds."
"I'd recommend doing some research into auditory fatigue."
"It can help you understand how I suspect Dean feels when he uses his cochlear implants for a prolonged period of time." ~ pleasedontrefertome
"Because of the situation, I get why you are upset."
"Blended families are difficult, but judging based on what you told us and if you are an AH because of how you reacted, YTA, and you should apologize to your mom."
"She hasn't forced you to do anything yet."
"There is a chance Dean doesn't like you because you refuse to try to communicate with him."
"You are also 13."
"Correct me if I am wrong, but many schools require you to learn a language anyway or offer electives (ASL counts)."
"Even if you don't like Dean, I would recommend learning ASL anyway."
"It is only a benefit in the future, and if you are going to be step-siblings, you might as well learn a little ASL." ~ Argylesox95
"Light YTA."
"Refusing to accommodate a disability for someone you share a household with is a bit of a d**k move."
"It seems that you're not taking Dean's disability very seriously either, which is probably compounding the relationship issues between you."
"Learning a new language is a good skill, and ASL is an awesome thing to know for the hard-of-hearing community."
"I'd say NAH (on the language learning element specifically) if you had given it a try and decided you'd rather dedicate that time to something else, but not even willing to give it a go seems obstinate and shortsighted!"
"Plus, it will mean you get left out of conversations if your mom and stepdad need to communicate with Dean when he doesn't have his cochlear implants in."
"Don't create a situation where you'll end up feeling left out."
"And yelling and swearing at your mom for… trying to help you learn a new skill is not good."
"And that makes you overall TA even if you were correct on the language aspect (which, to be clear, I don't think you are)." ~ aurora-leigh
Some people on Reddit had a differing opinion...
"Tell your mom and Jeremy that Dean is annoying, arrogant, and doesn't want to spend time with you."
"Tell them why you're not open to learning sign language."
"FYI, you should trust Dean about wearing the device all the time."
"No one would choose to be more disabled than necessary."
"NTA, but don't get too hardened in your position on this."
"You and Dean may reach a level of respect and even affection, and ASL actually counts as a second language, like Spanish, so far as graduation and university entrance requirements."
"Hope you guys figure it out." ~ NeverRarelySometimes
"NTA. My daughter is learning sign (not deaf, wants to be an interpreter)."
"That's fine, it feels like she expects the whole family to learn to sign as well."
"I have tried in the past, but I struggle to remember even finger spelling, let alone conversational signing."
"She will talk to me in sign, but I have to tell her I don't know what she is saying." ~ FukmiMoore
"NTA. You shouldn't be forced to learn a Language you have 0 interest in."
"Learning to say no is a powerful skill that should be cultivated."
"Personally, I would have just flat-out refused."
"There wouldn't be a dam thing my parents could do to move me."
"They could ground, restrict access to thins, etc but if it was important to me."
"I'd just happily deal with the consequences."
"Eventually, they learned that no means no." ~ REDDIT
"NTA - your mom is not listening to you and is trying to push."
"As a 13-year-old, you exploded, and for that actually you're a bit of an AH."
"You should have reminded her you aren't willing to spend your time learning ASL while you don't have a relationship with your future stepbrother."
"If things change, you'll let her know." ~ Timely_Proposal_1821
"Think of it this way - this will also be a good opportunity for you to build a pretty valuable communication skill that might be beneficial to you in the future."
"You never know!"
"I would LOVE it if my mom got me an ASL tutor when I was younger, and I don't even know any deaf people."
"NAH is my judgment because I understand this is a difficult transition. Dean clearly hasn't been very welcoming or friendly to you, but your relationship will get worse if you lean into hating him no matter what."
"Learn the ASL for your own benefit, not his."
"And if someday you guys turn out to be bros, you will be happy you know how to talk to him when he doesn't have the implants on." ~ workana
"NTA: but as an adult,t I wish I had put the effort into learning sign language."
"It's an amazing ability."
"A 15-year-old is likely not going to want to hang with a 13-year-old."
"But you're 13 and don't get it."
"That's ok."
"Don't learn sign language for him learn it for someone you haven't met yet."
"Learn it because it looks good to future employers."
"Learn it because it's a good skill to have." ~ Ok-Stuff-4628
"NTA... you don't have any real relationship with your soon-to-be stepbrother."
"That's fine and dandy you don't have to learn a whole new language for when you don't want to invest your time or energy into an activity you won't enjoy or get a benefit from."
"Kind of ridiculous for all these people saying you're the a-hole for not wanting to sacrifice for someone who wouldn't do the same for you." ~ TheBranded1833
"YTA for making the assumption he is disabling his implants to be an a**hole."
"Maaaaaybe it's a power-play thing, but I have known MANY deaf individuals in my life (mostly through my ex-wife, who was an interpreter) and the ones with cochlear implants almost universally admitted to varying degrees of sensory overload."
"It really is a thing."
"Beyond that, yeah, I get it you want to be edgy and defiant, cool."
"Just don't be the kind of jerk that makes unfounded and ableist allegations, ok?"
"No one should FORCE you to learn ASL." ~ bbbourb
"YTA. But I need to cut you a break because you're 13 and don't see the bigger picture."
"Learning another language is so beneficial and will help you in ways you could never imagine."
"Employers love people who can speak another language and if I could learn any language it would be sign language."
"To be able to communicate with someone who is deaf does change their day and adds something positive to it."
"I've seen it so many times in my workplace."
"You don't have to learn it to communicate with Dean - do it for yourself and future you." ~ Dry-Attitude-6790
"Soft YTA."
"I'm not deaf, but neurodivergent and hearing can be really exhausting."
"I would take the chance to learn a new language."
"Give it a try." ~ DoubleOccasion4126
"Soft YTA but you're still a kid so I get it, but learning sign language is a valuable skill, maybe look at it as an investment in your future." ~ Visual_Locksmith_976
"Learning ASL can also turn into a side gig for a little extra cash."
"Council meetings, the news, generally any special function will have someone who knows ASL, so everyone attending or watching can understand what's going on."
"It's a good skill to have." ~ Alicat52
Reddit understands where you're coming from, OP.
Your feelings are fragile at the moment.
That is understandable.
Maybe talk to a school counselor or close third-party relative or friend?
Perhaps they can help mediate the situation for you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp