When a person has gone no contact with some or all of their family, are they required to forgive and forget, let go of the past, and mend fences?
Or is it OK to permanently cut people out of their lives, regardless of their familial connection?
A woman is wondering that after an estranged sibling contacted her—after years of no communication—to demand a favor.
Unsure what to do, she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
“AITA for not allowing my sister to use my farm as her wedding venue?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My late grandpa started his farm whilst he was in his early 20s. There were financial problems along the way, but it became successful, and he became rich.”
“My late grandma who died last year grew up in the average working-class home. My parents come from rich families and went to private schools and Ivy League colleges.”
“My mother and father always wanted three kids; two girls and one boy.”
“I’m the youngest out of three girls and my parents were desperately hoping their last child would be a boy, but since I was a girl they were resentful toward me. They didn’t show any love to me and I was pretty much treated like Cinderella.”
“Because my parents showed resentment towards me, my sisters did too and I was bullied by them and they got away with it. We were treated differently as they both went to private schools, private colleges and were allowed to do whatever they wanted and eat whenever they wanted.”
“I went to a public school, public college and I was only allowed to eat three meals a day. I didn’t mind going to a public school, but I’m just trying to show how I was treated differently.”
“At the weekends I was shipped off to my grandmother’s so they could have family time. At age 12, I asked my grandmother if I could live with her and she agreed.”
“As soon as she asked my parents, they immediately said yes and started packing my bags.”
“Whilst going to my grandmother’s on the weekend, she made me work on the farm. Even whilst living with her permanently, she continued to make me work on the farm on weekends.”
“I hated that I had to work on the farm, but looking back now I realized why she made me do it. She made me work on the farm as a source of therapy as I was constantly arguing and her animals were my therapy.”
“I remember spending most of my days sitting with the horses and feeding the chickens. I also spent a lot of time running across her fields.”
“My grandmother sadly passed away last year and she left the whole estate to me which my family wasn’t pleased about. I decided to leave my job as a lawyer and work full-time on the farm and I’m so much happier.”
“When my grandmother was alive she also used part of her fields as wedding venues and for events. She allowed charities to have events on her farm free of charge.”
“Two months ago my sister got in contact with me after four years of no contact.”
“She said she’s engaged and asked me if she could use grandma’s field as a wedding venue as she would like to get married on the farm.”
“The thing is I can’t let go of the past. I have started therapy but I told her I need some time to think about it.”
“My first thought was to charge my sister a price for the venue and make it a price she couldn’t afford, but it didn’t feel right so I simply said no.”
“Now she’s passed my number on to my parents and my other sister and they’re all saying this is my grandmother’s farm. She should be allowed to get married on the farm and I should even do it for free.”
“My emotions are pretty high right now and I need to know, AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“My sister contacted me and she asked me if she could use my grandmother’s farm which is my farm to get married and I said no.”
“I said no mainly because of the past and the fact I can’t let go. I know it’s my choice if I want to let them use it or not but it might make me the a**hole.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. This is not grandma’s farm—this is your farm and your home, a home that has provided you a safe place for years.”
“It’s up to you how you use your home and who is welcome.” ~ pfkozmo
“NTA and I would 10,000% recommend putting your foot down and absolutely not caving.”
“This is a situation they created themselves. They treated you poorly, sent you to your grandmother’s and were EXCITED when you asked to live with her.”
“Now your grandmother decided to leave her whole estate to you and the rest of the family is mad they have to deal with the repercussions of their own actions. It’s kind of awesome, to be honest.
“To hell with them. I’m very glad you’ve found happiness in the farm, and I hope you continue to do so!”
“I’d go back to no contact with your family. I’d block all of them, immediately.” ~ Aggressive-Bed3269
“NTA. Do NOT give in. Stand your ground. This is the first domino.”
“If you give in to this, they’ll see you as malleable and push you around in the future.”
“This may have once been your grandmother’s farm, but it is now yours, and you do with it as you wish. This includes not allowing people who mistreated you to use it.”
“Enjoy your life like your grandma would’ve wanted you to. In true farm fashion, your family must reap what they sow.” ~ basic_cinephile
“First of all, it’s not ‘grandma’s farm’. It’s YOUR farm. You own it. They have zero rights to it.”
“Second, they have a sh*t-ton of nerve. Treat you like trash, ignore you, ship you off to grandma’s and exclude you from your own immediate family.”
“That’s all terrible, and they compound the terrible by showing up out of the blue sky with an entitled attitude expecting you to just roll over and do what they want.”
“F*ck all of that. No is a good answer, and no further discussion needs to be held.” ~ letdogsvote
“NTA. Tell them if they wanted the privileges of being your family, they should have treated you as a loved family member from the start rather than an unwanted burden.”
“They didn’t want you in their lives then, you don’t want them on your property now.” ~ Katja1236
“NTA. Suggested response: ‘This is not Grandma’s farm. Grandma is dead. Just like you are to me’.” ~ SushiGuacDNA
“NTA. You have a very abusive family that again tries to use you for their own benefit. It probably won’t matter if you agree or not, they will try to make your life hell.”
“They will boss you around and treat you like a stupid employee.Go to therapy, surround yourself with people that are on your side and do some farming.” ~ Glittering_Mix_4260
“NTA. Your parents can take the money they saved by sending you to public school to pay for the wedding.”
“It is your farm and they have no rights to it.” ~ SetIcy438
“You hear from your sister only when she wants something from you. NTA. Keep on in therapy and running the farm.”
“You deserve to be happy. Hard to be happy when people, especially family members, are disrespectful entitled jerks.”
“Your grandparents would be so proud of you! Sounds like they knew exactly what they were doing by leaving the farm in your care.” ~ BoomerBaby1955
“NTA. It WAS your grandma’s farm. Emphasis on WAS.”
“It is now your farm & you don’t have to have anybody there that you don’t want there. Block your (former) family.”
“If necessary, get RO’s on the lot of them & post No Trespassing signs. You deserve to enjoy your farm without being harassed by entitled brats.” ~ Straysmom
“NTA—you do not need to invite these strangers into your home/farm. They have already severed any family bonds; you don’t owe them anything.”
“You’ve already said no. Block them everywhere. If they persist, then tell them you will report them for harassment.” ~ Confetti-Everywhere
“NTA. I can hear the pain here. You are feeling emotionally hurt. Your sister sees the farm as a commodity.”
“It’s your farm. If you are not ready to let her frolic around on it, don’t. She is being presumptious for asking. Not surprising, given your family’s behaviour in the past.”
“I’m so glad the farm is your healing place. Don’t let your sister/family anywhere near it.” ~ anemoschaos
“NTA. It is not your grandmother’s farm. It wasn’t in her will to continue to allow family events. You own the farm and choose not to have weddings on your property at this time.”
“Tell your family you’ll give grandma a call. If she answers and agrees, you’ll let them know. Otherwise, keep them off YOUR farm.”
“Tell them to leave you alone just like they have for so many years.” ~ zoegi104
The OP owns the farm outright as an inheritance from her grandmother.
It’s now entirely her decision what does or doesn’t happen on her property and who she includes and excludes from her life.