Estrangement refers to a person "no longer being on friendly terms or part of a social or familial group."
Either or both parties can be the ones to walk away from the relationship.
Reconnecting after an estrangement is rarely simple. The relationship has forever been altered by the split.
And both parties have changed in the interim between the estrangement and reconnection. In the case of minor children, they may have moved from childhood to adulthood.
A child turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after clashing with their estranged mother while trying to reconnect.
Forsaken-Year-7175 asked:
"AITA for reminding my mom that she disappeared for six years?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (18) mom and dad divorced six years ago. Her new husband didn't want her to see my dad and so she let my dad have custody of me and didn't exercise visitation."
"She contacted us last month, saying she had divorced him and would like to reconnect. Dad told me it's up to me, so I said, 'Why not?'."
"Things have been kind of awkward between us. Obviously, I've changed a lot since the last time she saw me."
"When she came over yesterday, I was reading An Offer from a Gentleman. My mom said 'You're too young to be reading these toxic romance books'."
"I just stared at her and said, 'I was 12 when you disappeared six years ago. I'm 18 now'."
"She spluttered for a moment, and then told me there is no need to use that word, that she made a mistake, and there is no reason to throw it in her face."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole since I did bring up a mistake she made and kind of threw it in her face."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Did she conveniently forget that you had grown up in those 6 years? Your reply was a perfect lesson in karma."
"As for her getting butthurt over 'disappeared', you told her nothing but the unvarnished truth. What were you supposed to call her abandoning you? Temporarily unavailable?" ~ Straysmom
"She expects you to let her control you like a 12-year-old. She has zero rights to criticize and you don't have to play into her fantasy that you're still just a kid."
"She's lucky you talk to her, but she thinks it's an invitation to mother you. NTA." ~ babcock27
"Personally I would've used 'abandoned' and maybe point out that it was for a man. Seriously, what sort of insecure loser doesn't want his partner to see her kid because she'll have to interact with her ex?"
"I guess the same kind of loser who abandons her kid for that loser." ~ PunchBeard
"NTA. She does not get to pretend like everything is suddenly OK. She has to make amends to you.
"If it were me, I'd make weekly joint counseling a condition of you having contact with her. You pick the counselor and she pays. You're in the driver's seat on this one."
"I'd also make it very clear that she has lots of work to do before she gets to resume the role of parent." ~ Basilsainttsadface
"Shouldn't use a word that literally describes what she did? I don't see any heartfelt apology for abandoning OP."
"Until that happens, I would definitely limit any contact. Relationships require trust which isn't given, but earned."
"She has a lot of work to do to earn that trust. I hope OP is y swayed by the 'but I am your mother' line. NTA. Good luck!" ~ Suzdg
"NTA. Accepting any criticism or correction from a parent who has abandoned you from 12 to 18 would be difficult. You've learned to grow up without her and don't need her showing up now trying to mother you. That ship sailed, piloted by her."
"That all said, I'm sure her abandonment hurt you. Maybe you two can build a bridge back to each other but it will take time, time you will need to be convinced you can trust her again."
"She can't demand anything from you; it will have to be earned for you to believe in her at all again. She proved herself to be a parent you could not rely on."
"Please know that no child, including you, deserves to be abandoned by a parent. That was HER failing, not yours. Your words to her were accurate and spot on."
"Sadly, she doesn't sound like someone who has a clue what she did and how wrong and hurtful it was. Likely she will never be the mother you wish for."
"And, yes, you were a child when she left, and you are now a young adult. She missed that entire transformation." ~ Realistic_Head4279
"OP is NTA. It's crazy how 'Mom' said she made a 'mistake'. Mistakes are like baking and forgetting to turn on the oven."
"This was outright intentional abandonment. It would be a long time before I ever forgave, and she would have to prove her worth to be in my life."
"I will bet that she meets another guy and disappears again." ~ IgnotusPeverill
"I hate when people say 'I made a mistake' when what they really mean is 'I made a decision that turned out poorly for me and I'm unhappy with the consequences of my own actions'. NTA." ~ readthethings13579
"She woke up every day for 6 years and chose not to reach out to her child. It's not one 'mistake' that should or even could be forgiven."
"She woke up on every one of OP's birthdays, holidays, and milestones and chose her husband's ultimatum instead of her child."
"And even if we were to cater to her delusion that it was a 'mistake' ... mistakes still have consequences that we have to live with. NTA." ~ Wynfleue
"Mistakes:"
"• forgetting to defrost the meat you wanted to use for dinner"
"• neglecting to turn on the rice cooker"
"Willfully selfish, a**hole behavior:"
"• abandoning a child because they don't fit into your new fairytale"
"NTA, and OP's mom is reaping what she sows should OP go no contact. It's terrible that she (mom) is only back because her marriage ended."
"She's not sorry; she's lonely. That's not OP's problem to solve." ~ Oompa_x_Lumpia
"She chose a man over her child for seven years. I'd have thrown a hell of a lot more in her face. NTA." ~ Necessary_Donut_4
"Not only that, but it would appear that she only reached out to OP after that man was out of her life—and not a moment sooner. NTA, OP." ~ Impressive-Cod-7103
"NTA. There is a reason to throw it in her face. She clearly overstepped your boundaries because she forgot she is no longer your mom."
"She may be your mother. You may be working towards her being a mom again, but at the moment, you don't have a mom."
"She doesn't need to act like one and she isn't owed any respect as one."
"Remind her of that and tell her if she wants to work for fogiveness and reconciliation, that means accepting that she deserves some reminders of who she is whenever she steps over those boundaries." ~ Odd_Welcome7940
"She can feel upset about that, but she needs to be upset at herself, not you."
"She has missed a third of your life. You can't ignore that, nor should you have to try. NTA." ~ IanDOsmond
"Remind her, she didn't make a mistake—she made a decision. She chose another man over you, another man who was obviously not worth choosing."
"She made a bad decision she wants to frame as somehow accidental, when it was completely intentional and could have been undone anytime over a 6-year period."
"That's on her; it's not a mistake; it's an intentional course of action, and she needs to own that and stop trying to minimize it."
"I'm also curious, and maybe your parents didn't even tell you, but did she leave your father for the man she married? It sounds like she got married pretty quickly after your parents got separated and divorced."
"Did she literally put her affair as a priority over you and her family? Again, a choice, not a mistake. 2 + 2 = 5 is a mistake."
"A strange penis ended up in my vagina is not a mistake. I didn't speak to my child for 6 years is not a mistake."
"Whether she did it before or after the divorce, she made her new partner of the priority over you, her flesh and blood child."
"Those are choices. Whether she made one or both, whatever she did it was a choice not a mistake." ~ Agitated-Buddy2913
"NTA. You might ask what word your mom would prefer that you use to describe her vanishing from your life for 6 years and returning only now that you're of legal age."
"But I think you've just figured out 'why not?'. Your mom is trying to slide right into a 'mom' role where she judges on your activities or even tries to restrict them. You and your dad have moved on."
"You might try telling her, 'Mom, I'm willing to try to reconnect. To me, that means meeting up with you, for me to learn about who you are, likes and dislikes, interests, and for you to learn what the same about me."
"'But it's not going to work if you try to parent me or judge my interests. Do you think we can meet up and stay away from that, or will it be too difficult for you to avoid trying to slide into a "mom" role towards me?'."
"The bit about 'new husband didn't want to see your dad' as an excuse for not exercising visitation is completely bogus, of course. There are a number of ways to handle the transfer of custody of a 12-year-old without having the new husband—or her—see the father." ~ Constant_Host_3212
Hey, OP's mom, actions?
Meet consequences.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp