Not every relationship is bound to work out, even when it's a marriage with kids.
But with a divorce often comes other agreements, like child support and alimony, which can get pretty messy, cringed the people in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Key-Dot-8409 had been paying alimony and child support for the past five years to his ex-wife and almost-teenage son, and that money was split between them and the other people his ex chose to house.
But when his ex-wife got pregnant and moved in with another man, the Original Poster (OP) decided to pursue the cancelation of his alimony now that another partner was in the picture.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for getting alimony ended when my ex-wife moved in with her boyfriend?"
The OP had been paying alimony for five years.
"I (41 Male) have a twelve-year-old son with my ex-wife (37 Female). We divorced five years ago."
"I pay child support and (formerly) alimony."
"Shortly after our divorce, she took in her sister's son, who is currently ten."
"They live in our old home, which has three bedrooms."
Since the OP's ex-wife had moved in with a new partner, the alimony was no more.
"Almost two years ago, my ex started dating a guy and is now four-ish months pregnant."
"He moved in about the same time she found out she was pregnant."
"He has a daughter from a previous relationship. His daughter was given her own room and my son and his cousin now share a room."
The OP decided to seek full custody of his biological son.
"My son is upset about this and asked to live with me full-time."
"I went to my lawyer and began the process to get full custody. I have wanted full custody since we divorced, but my son had never indicated he wanted that so I did not push for it."
"I also found out from my lawyer that my ex living with her boyfriend gives me the right to terminate alimony in our state (my previous lawyer said it was only if she got remarried)."
"So, I told him to go for it."
The alimony had since been ended, which the OP's ex did not appreciate.
"The court has ended the alimony. The custody is taking longer and won't be decided until after the holidays."
"My ex is p**sed about the loss of alimony because she is only working part-time and her boyfriend is a medically retired fireman. So, they are struggling financially."
"But, I feel that is extra money I could put away for my kid down the line."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned the ex and her boyfriend's reasoning.
"It's really crazy that people who aren't able to support themselves choose to get pregnant. Was the ex expecting OP's child support to raise her new baby?" - residentcaprice
"I bet the ex expected that as long as she didn't marry her boyfriend, she would keep getting alimony and use that for the baby and themselves."
"OP, I'm glad your state ends it when the ex moves in with someone else." - Wonderful_Patient_62
"NTA. OP's ex thought she could use OP for free money, that's what it is. This came out of left field, and they didn't expect it." - figglehort1
"It was alimony, which is for her. But it is NOT for her to move a bunch of people in and have a whole nother kid she can't afford." - BeginningAd9070
"NTA."
"There is a big difference between child support and alimony (spousal support). The alimony is to help keep your spouse in the lifestyle they were used to, but is typically not forever."
"Now that she's with a new guy, it shouldn't be your responsibility to pay for her lifestyle any longer. It's not your problem that he doesn't or can't work."
"Best wishes for success in the custody changes!" - DisneyBuckeye
"Alimony is generally only granted for five to seven years nowadays anyway. It's money so that a former stay-at-home parent has a little time to update their education or get re-established in their career, not life-long support."
"So it's likely the payments were due to end in a few years anyway. She just found a new source of support in her new partner a little ahead of time." - Should_be_less
"Spousal support these days isn't really for maintaining a lifestyle but rather to help a person recover lost earnings potential lost while being a stay-at-home person (as agreed by both parties)."
"So you are meant to get an education or use the money to have somebody care for the kid while working overtime, etc."
"So if your earnings potential is 40-50k working as a manager in a grocery store while the other party is earning 500k, the fact you can back to that stage means you should get no alimony."
"Most judges oftentimes grant grace periods but they will have a defined timeline and is meant for the spouse to adjust back their spending habits." - HarithBK
"NTA."
"This woman got your marital home, alimony, and child support. Then she took in her nephew. Then she took in her boyfriend and his child and made YOUR SON, the only child you should have been paying for, share a bedroom."
"On what planet is it reasonable for her to expect you to pay for her, her nephew, her boyfriend, his child, and their upcoming baby?"
"She has had a good run. You have paid for her and her nephew for five years. You paid for her boyfriend and his kid for four months that you know of."
"Being medically retired from the fire service means that he has a good pension. It also means that he can't work for the fire service anymore, it doesn't mean that he can't work elsewhere." - chez2202
"Oh, the way this is going to flip in the OP's favor. She will then be paying OP child support."
"Don't let her 'woe is me' act keep kiddo from getting what he is entitled to even if it goes straight into a college fund."
"OP has been subsidizing the other kids in the house and the well has now run dry. That kiddo is fed up with getting the short end of the stick. OP can now make sure he gets everything he deserves, not half or a third of it. I'd be curious if the kiddo being in residence was what got her the house." - Beth21286
"Why should OP finance their lifestyle and new family? She better get her a full-time job and quit gathering and having kids!" - Complete_Pea_8824
Others focused on the most important part of the OP's story: his son's life.
"NTA. I hope your son ends up in the best possible living situation." - ClintEastwoodsNext
"We know nothing about how safe or healthy either home is. Or what is best for the child. Sometimes it isn't what the child wants. The best thing is to hope the child ends up in the best situation." - Apprehensive-War9612
"NTA. Not at all. Take care of your child. You are not responsible for her lifestyle. Just make sure your son is happy." - Independent-Floor485
"Your priority should be your child. You're not responsible for her lifestyle choices."
"After the son moves in full-time, her household will have literally nothing to do with OP."
"It will be her, her partner, his kid, their kid, and her nephew. Not a single person that should require OP to pay anything to support." - jeffprobstslover
"The OP's focus should be on providing the best environment for their child, not on supporting their ex's financial situation. It's important to ensure that resources are used for the child's well-being first." - kirklidman339
"NTA. Absolutely, OP. You're making decisions based on what's best for your son, and that's what matters most."
"It's not your responsibility to maintain your ex's lifestyle, especially when you're putting that money toward your child's future."
"Stay focused on the custody process and ensure you're documenting how you're providing a stable, supportive environment for your son. Just keep doing what's right for him, he's lucky to have you in his corner." - Self-Reddicated
"NTA. You've gone above and beyond in fulfilling your responsibilities. Supporting your son is your obligation, and you've done so. But extending that support to her new household, which includes unrelated individuals, is entirely unreasonable."
"She's chosen to take on those responsibilities, and it's not your duty to subsidize her decisions, especially when it comes at the expense of your son's comfort and well-being. You've been more than fair, and it's time for her to step up and manage her household independently." - manik4578
"Sounds like your alimony was paying for a whole house full of people! Get custody of your son if you both want it. Then you don't have to pay child support either, It is highly likely that money is NOT going to just your son. NTA." - RockerStubbs
"NTA. She is in a two-parent household now. It's time to put her easy money to an end (especially when you get custody). You are NOT responsible for financing her boyfriend's kids and them shacking up. Or your former nephew."
"Let her and her man pay their own bills. Your son being taken care of is your only concern. Make sure you and your son are cared for and happy, full stop." - No_Glove_1575
"It's frustrating to think your hard-earned money might be supporting others who aren't your responsibility."
"If you can provide a stable home and your son wants to live with you, getting custody sounds like the best solution for everyone involved. You'd ensure the support directly benefits your son, and it's a win-win for both of you." - throwitaway3857
The subReddit applauded the OP for doing everything right, including paying alimony and child support while knowing that the money wasn't going exclusively toward his ex-wife and child.
But they especially were proud of the OP for listening to his son's needs and pursuing what could potentially be a better life for him.
Though his ex-wife and her partner did not appreciate the loss of that stream of income, it was best to put the OP's son first.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.