As adults, our lives have become increasingly busy, and when we have multiple kids with different schedules, and perhaps multiple jobs to pay the bills, it can feel impossible to keep all of those commitments straight.
But no matter how busy we are, it's still our responsibility to keep our own schedules straight, argued the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, not anyone else's.
Redditor Less-Prize-9077 had just recently started to let her ex back into her and their daughter's life, and this also included family dinner nights for her ex to spend some quality time with their daughter.
When her ex completely forgot about the most recent family dinner night, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when he blamed her for not reminding him of his own scheduled commitments.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not reminding my ex that he was supposed to come over to see our daughter?"
The OP recently started to let her ex back into her and her daughter's life.
"I (26 Female) have a seven-year-old daughter."
"My ex (28 Male) wasn't involved in her life by his own choosing."
"Over six months ago, he reached out. It took some time, talking, and a little therapy. He's been back in our daughter's life for about four months now."
"We are working with the courts to establish paternity and for him to get custody."
"In the meantime, I've let him visit her at my place. He's taken her on day trips. Since getting a bigger apartment, he's had her spend the night."
But the ex did not hold up his end of the deal on a recent family night.
"He was supposed to visit her Wednesday, have dinner with us, and watch a movie."
"We try to do things the three of us do, per the therapist's recommendation, so she can see us get along. My ex said he'd be over around 6:00."
"He didn't show up. By 6:30, my daughter was hungry, so I fed her."
"I tried to put off the movie, but eventually, I let her watch it."
"She was disappointed about her dad not showing up. I put her to bed at 9."
The OP's ex blamed her for not reminding him.
"At 11:30 PM, my ex called, freaking out. He said he forgot we were supposed to have dinner. He only remembered because his girlfriend came home from work and asked how everything went."
"Rather than apologizing, he got mad at me and asked why I didn't call him."
"I said I'm not going to chase him down. I already spent nine months doing that when I was pregnant, begging him to be in her life. I'm not going to do that now."
"I said it's up to him to make an effort and remember this stuff."
The argument continued during the next family therapy session.
"We had therapy the next day and she was on my side."
"However, my ex insists that I should've called."
"I'm frustrated that he hasn't tried to apologize to our daughter."
"And my mom said that I should've called."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she did not need to remind her ex of anything.
"NTA. It's not your responsibility to keep your ex on schedule. As a 28-year-old adult, he should take responsibility for himself and his time."
"One thought: maybe set up a shared calendar, so when you have activities that are planned, it can go on the shared calendar."
"Not that you have to by any means, but just a thought to keep track for you and to eliminate any 'I forgot' excuses from him." - RevolutionarySir1409
"NTA. He's an adult, presumably with a phone to add reminders and important dates. It's not up to you to carry his mental load as a parent, especially since you've been doing that by yourself for seven years already. He needs to grow up and get over himself." - anonymoustrashpandas
"NTA. He's just mad his girlfriend saw him for the deadbeat father that he is."
"Ignore your mom. Listen to your therapist." - _A-Q
"Nah, definitely not the a**hole. As a forgetful man, I can understand forgetting, feeling like crap, and making a big effort to make it up to you and your daughter."
"In that vein, I say this point is one you can't hold against him if he wants to make it right with y'all's daughter. However, it's not your job to make his relationship work."
"And if he wants to blame you for his mistake, that's a great indication of what is in his heart and what to expect in the future." - New_Tonight_1687
"Mom's wearing her internalized misogyny loud and proud."
"Her generation did everything to make men feel more comfortable and enable their minimal attention and effort to planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and clothing so Disney dad could get 100% credit for any family time."
"Was she like my mom? Did she fully absorb 50%-90% of the effort to make family meals, get-togethers, vacations, birthdays, school events, and holidays happened?"
"And when dad didn't show up (either he didn't want to go, had friends to hang out with, could 'catch up on work/sports/hobbies), did she make plausible and humble brag excuses for him?"
"OP is NTA." - Aimlesskeek
"He has to understand that he's a parent now. Not a child. He's the one who is responsible for being places when he says he's going to be there. No one else is responsible for making sure he's there."
"He has a myriad of ways to calendar that he's supposed to see his daughter on a certain date at a certain time."
"It's on him to follow through. Not on you."
"NTA." - rak1882
Others questioned the ex's validity as a legal father figure.
"She's definitely NTA, but she needs (and fails to) understand that it's better to have no father than a sh*tty father. Regardless, I hope we're wrong and that everything works out for them. Maybe the deadbeat narcissist will learn something from therapy or his new girlfriend." - LittleBeesTwin
"I'm not saying to prevent custody but come on. He bailed for seven years and has only been back for a few months. You say his girlfriend doesn't want him to be involved, and he got mad at you for his own f**k up."
"I agree that he should dig his own hole, totally get that, but the person you have described doesn't seem like someone that you should trust with that just yet. Maybe just let him prove he can even be a parent first? Is there a reason for this being so rushed?"
"To clarify, I also want to make it clear I see you as NTA in this situation. You're being a great mom and trying to do the right thing in a really hard situation. But the stuff you mentioned in this post is just a tiny bit concerning." - Odd_Biscotti_7496
"I mean, she's kinda the AH if she's choosing to charge ahead with this custody stuff after the ex has shown REPEATEDLY that he doesn't give a f**k about the kid."
"It's an AH move to encourage a relationship like that deliberately. It's the OP's responsibility to care for and protect her kid. Pushing for custody given to basically a stranger who can't manage to remember to see his kid is NOT protecting that kid."
"OP wasn't the AH for not calling the ex. She will be the AH if she doesn't reconsider this custody push." - Puzzled-Case-5993
"This child has reached the age of seven wondering why she didn't have a father, and now she's learning he won't always show up when he's promised to. That's very damaging and will only harm her more if he doesn't genuinely take responsibility for his failure and make real changes."
"Meanwhile, there's no need to rush into legal custody arrangements when he can have visits and isn't showing up for them." - fullmetalfeminist
"ESH. So hard. You don't owe him anything besides the common courtesy you'd offer to any living breathing human being."
"That courtesy here is a text at 06:10, 'You okay/plans change?'"
"He's an absolute c**k for forgetting dinner/move night with his daughter, don't get me wrong, but yeah. His reaction later in the night was also extremely d**kish but as an overreaction rather than something completely unfounded."
"Can you honestly say that if anyone else had made plans to have dinner and a movie with you and your daughter, then no-showed, you also would have shrugged, not reached out, and continued with your night? No. Obviously not." - Iwasahipsterbefore
"ESH. Your ex for deciding to 'not be involved' with a child he helped create, come crawling back the better part of a decade later, and almost right away start being a d**k about expecting you to remind him of things that he needs to take responsibility for."
"You for letting the previously described guy back into your daughter's life so quickly. Occasional visitation, fine, but custody already? Overnights? He sounds like a flaky jerk, and for me, it would take a lot longer than four months to believe that this guy was for real."
"Let him prove himself. Don't make it so easy for him. If it's really important to him to take up the role he declined before, he'll do whatever it takes. If not, you're better off without him, and so is your daughter." - overnightnotes
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"I've let him because if he is trying to work on himself (which I do genuinely believe), the alternative is in 20 years, she'll hate me for keeping them apart."
"If he isn't going to do the work, he'll dig his own hole."
"But forgetting like this isn't reoccurring where he'll forget and not say anything, but he has canceled last minute before."
"I'll mention a shared calendar going forward. It's nice to get advice from someone who has been in my daughter's shoes."
The subReddit completely understood why the OP was upset and agreed that the onus of remembering family nights and other appointments was totally on the OP's ex, who was also an adult.
But they were more divided over how the rest of the situation was handled. It wouldn't take much to make sure the ex was okay and still coming for family night, and that small bit of outreach is hardly more than what we'd text to a friend who was running a few minutes late for brunch.
There was also the matter of custody to discuss, which some found to be rushed and even unnecessary. Perhaps the OP needed to focus on one aspect of the relationship at a time. Maybe if her ex wasn't ready to take responsibility for his own appointments, maybe the discussion of custody shouldn't be sitting at the dinner table yet.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp