Couples having their first baby is an exciting phase in a marriage or relationship.
But after the initial excitement of announcements and gender reveals wane as months turn to weeks in anticipation of the due date, the reality of raising a child can make some expectant parents genuinely terrified.
Redditor NessaPeralta is expecting her first baby and is nervous about the first month with her newborn as a first-time parent with her husband.
Her fear got the best of her when she made a unilateral decision and upset her husband.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole”(AITA) subReddit
“AITA for ‘overruling’ my husband’s veto and inviting my mom to stay with us for 3 weeks after our baby is born?”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“I am currently 6 months pregnant with my first baby. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have a happy marriage overall.”
“With our baby coming in about 3 and a half months, we’re both nervous and excited as any new parents would be.”
“We’re reading books, watching Youtube videos, just trying to get an idea of what to do because the most experience we have is holding/playing with babies for about 10 minutes at a time lol and then handing them back to their parents when they cry.”
“The part I’m most nervous about is how awful the first month or so is going to be. My doctor says that I am likely to be a scheduled C-section because of some health issues.”
“I can’t even begin to imagine how rough it is going to be: recovering from a major surgery, recovering from labor/delivery, sleepless nights with a crying newborn, changing diapers, breastfeeding, pumping, hormones all over the place, etc. all for the very first time.”
“I get awful headaches when I get less than 6 hours of sleep, I can’t even imagine how bad it’ll be in the first month.”
“After the doctor told me that I am likely to be a scheduled C-section, I told my husband we absolutely need outside help at first. My husband was sort of against this idea, he said he would take on the bulk of the work.”
“I know my husband, he’s very responsible and follows through on his word but he doesn’t know babies! Neither do I! It’s not like this is our 3rd kid and we know what we’re doing. We don’t.”
“I called my mom, who lives two hours away, and gave her the general updates. I told her I needed help. For reference, my mom is the nicest person the planet (yes my husband and my mom get along well!) and loves being a mom & grandma.”
“She proposed this: ‘Yes I can come help out. Here’s what I think would be best – you and your husband watch the baby in the daytime. You focus on breastfeeding, pumping, and recovering from surgery. Your husband can focus on keeping the house in order and changing diapers, putting the baby to sleep, etc.'”
“‘And then I’ll do the night time duty. I’ll slowly switch my sleep schedule so I can be awake at night and hopefully if you’re pumping enough I can just feed the baby at night so at least you both will get a full night of sleep.'”
“This was heaven-sent to me. I told her I needed to talk to husband but ‘99% yes and ohmygodthankyousomuchIloveyouMom.'”
“Fast forward to today. It’s been a week of back and forth on this. We’ve had rational discussions, we’ve yelled, we’ve tried everything but neither will budge.”
“My husband insists that having a third adult is ‘suffocating’ and ‘trust me, I’ll take care of the baby for everything besides breastfeeding that’s all you gotta do.’ But I feel like he’s being really naive and I’ll have to deal with the fallout.”
“So yesterday I said f’k it and told my mom yes. Obviously this led to a fight with my husband, who is upset because he clearly said no but I went through with it anyways.”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors weighed in with their varied responses, starting with these people who thought the OP was NTA.
“NTA do whatever you need to survive those early months. Dad’s are also really tired, you both benefit from night time help. My mum would stay over a couple of nights a week after my son was born, prior to the birth I didn’t want my mums help at all but once he was born I was so so thankful to have her there.”
“Just a tip if you plan to breastfeed even if have someone feed baby during the night you should get up and pump otherwise your supply will probably be affected.”
“Its honestly easier just to put baby to breast than pump (in my opinion) so your mum could still watch bub at night and when he’s hungry wake you up to feed then you give them back for settling/changing.” – ForrestFancier
“NTA – from what I read in your comments there is a cultural difference between you and your husband. I’m Hispanic too and we always help family after birth, I don’t understand why your husband is so closed to the idea of receiving help when your body is the one that will be recovering and is trying to keep your family away.”
“Does he have a job? Will he take parental leave or his idea of helping is ‘helping after work’ but I do think that you need to communicate a bit better with him.” – AdoptedHuman
“I just want to say that the first month of my daughter’s life was my happiest ever time. My husband did so much for the both of us, both through my labour and once we got home. Our relationship became so much stronger than ever before (we’d been together 13 years at this point) because we were both just in awe of each other. That first month changed us forever.”
“I spent the whole first month sat cuddling my daughter, breastfeeding on demand and watching loads of TV. At night, my daughter was in a Next2Me crib on my husband’s side of the bed (I couldn’t lift her due to stitches) and he would pass her over to me to feed, he’d doze while I fed her, then I’d pass her back.”
“It meant I never felt like I was doing the night feeds alone unless I wanted to feel that way, and sometimes those moments felt so magical.”
“I know not everyone feels like this, but I wanted to give you a reason not to be full of anxiety and dread about your new lives as parents.”
“It’s worth noting too that if you plan on breastfeeding it’s going to be really important to confine that regularly through the night, especially in those first few weeks, to kick in your supply.”
“There’s no chance you’ll pump enough milk in the early days to get through the night, and there’s no way you’d get through the night without emptying your boobs once your milk kicks in.”
“As much as your mum might love the idea of taking over in the night it’s really impractical for both your health and your bonding time with your new baby.”
“I had a horrendous, traumatic birth and some butchered aftercare that resulted in the removal of the doctor overseeing me. I also had PUPPPs rash. By all accounts I should have been miserable, but I was just so elated. I wouldn’t change that first month for anything at all.”
“My friendly advice would be to bring the baby home just the two of you and have your mum ready to come by day 3 or 4. By this time you’ll be happy to see her and want her to meet your baby.”
“But if she does stay, demote her role to cooking, cleaning and handing you biscuits. Your husband needs to be bonding with his baby too!”
“Edited to add: no matter how well meaning your mum is (and my mum is the same!) if you’ve been reading modern books and watching YouTube videos I’d put money on your way of parenting being different to your mums. That’s at best a confusion and at worst a battle you aren’t going to want in your first three weeks.” – alokinseiv
The following Redditors, however, disagreed.
“YTA. It’s his baby too and it sounds like he’ll be on paternity leave therefore able to support you in the early weeks. Maybe better to wait until he’s back at work then have her come?”
“The early weeks are hard but they’re also essential for you and he to bond with your baby and frankly your mum’s presence seems likely to interfere with that. Also if you’re planning to breastfeed you will need to be doing at least one overnight feed to help establish your supply.”
“You are almost certainly going to wake when the baby cries- that’s just how it is- and you may well struggle to get back to sleep even if someone else is seeing to their needs.”
“If I were your husband I’d be really hurt and undermined that you didn’t trust me to be an equal coparent and made this decision unilaterally. You’ve no reason to think he won’t step up. You can always ask your mum at the time if you’re not coping.”
“Incidentally I also think it’s spoiled beyond belief actually accepting this huge sacrifice from your mother. You decided to have this baby and you’re now happy to delegate the hardest parts of the first few tougher months to someone else?”
“That is pretty poor in my opinion. It’s normal to be apprehensive- we all are when imminently stepping into this big unknown- but you have taken this step voluntarily and have to stand up and be a parent, not run to your own at the first hint of difficulty.” – kb-g
“I’m sorry but YTA – I get it, I really do. I understand where you’re coming from, but let me tell you two things.”
“Do NOT let your mum do night shifts, this WILL negatively effect your breastfeeding. Plus a bunch of other things. I know you’ll be recovering, but you baby is awake during the night while you’re pregnant and you need to be there while they need you the most.”
“Your husband is basically saying this to you. ‘I WANT to be there for my child and my wife. I WANT to prove to you, myself and everyone that I can do this. I WANT to learn how to be the best dad I can be, because it’s the most important job to me.'”
“I understand that you’re scared, I understand that you’re worried, but in this moment you need to trust your husband. You are at the most vulnerable stage you’ll ever been in (besides childhood) and you need to allow the person you’ve chosen to be your life partner to do this for you and your child.”
“Talk to your hubby again and ask if your mum can come a few weeks after the baby is born instead. This will give you extra help and give your husband and you time to bond with your baby alone. This is soooo important for new parents.”
“When you mum does visit, do NOT let her do ANY night feeds. Take as many naps as possible and expect that your baby will want you and only you for a while.” – Imnotdaggett
“YTA, she’s only 2 hours away, you could ask her to be ready if you and your husband need her. You did not need to invite her now. The first few weeks as a family are so special and I definitely see why your husband would be upset.”
“I’ve had 3 scheduled c-sections and one vaginal birth. You are overreacting. Give your husband a chance to prove himself to you. Babies are pretty darn easy. If he can’t pull his weight, definitely bring in the reinforcements, but you should try on your own first.” – Tsarina-Mama
“Not sure what to say here. Honestly if your planning on breastfeeding/pumping you’ll need to be up in the middle of the night to pump. Engorgement is not fun in the least.”
“Your mom would still be really helpful at night but you still won’t sleep.” – Puzzleheaded-Pay-310
“Seriously. OP, you’re nervous about the wrong parts and this plan is going to make things worse, not better.” – whatev88
Redditor responses remained divided in the thread, but a strong majority thought the OP was YTA and thought the husband should be allowed the benefit of the doubt in proving he can be an adequate first-time co-parent.