Whenever someone "does us wrong," our initial instinct is to seek revenge.
"An eye for an eye," as it were.
However satisfying as revenge may seem in our thoughts, or should we make it that far, how good it will feel in the heat of the moment, revenge ever seldom pays off.
As seeking revenge often results in people stooping to the bad behavior of others.
Redditor Lazy-Status-2209 had a fraught relationship with his father.
Entirely owing to the poor way he treated the original poster (OP)'s mother and the fact that he helped his son's ex-wife during their divorce.
As a result, when he saw an opportunity to get back at him, he wasted no time taking it.
Wondering if his behavior was justified, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for giving my mom my dad's tax returns to help her extend her alimony?"
The OP explained why he jumped at the chance to help his mother out at his father's literal expense:
"I (37 M[ale]) spent most of my adult life working for my parents' company—a small but successful firm that does litigation support, architectural design, project management, and engineering consulting."
"Our whole family helped build it."
"After school, weekends, holidays—you name it, we were there."
"I started working there full-time right after high school."
"My parents had a rocky marriage, mostly due to my father's chronic infidelity."
"He used the company's resources to carry on multiple affairs and even hired sex workers for himself and for clients."
"When my parents divorced in 2011, all this came out."
"My sister and I sided with our mother, while our older half-brother (our mom's son from a previous marriage) took our father's side."
"A couple years later, I split with my son's mother."
"My father then hired a lawyer for her—not just any lawyer, but the wife of a longtime client of his who had also been a close confidant during his divorce."
"This husband-and-wife legal team took my custody case all the way to trial."
"During the trial, it came out that they had been given my privileged medical records—by my father."
"The judge admonished the attorney but didn't pursue any serious disciplinary action."
"Ultimately, we ended up with split custody after they racked up over $140K in legal fees."
"I ended up suing my father over the breach of my privacy."
"After two years of litigation, I dropped the case because my sister convinced me to—for the sake of our mom."
"In exchange, my father agreed he would help her out as she aged and dealt with health issues."
"Fast forward to now: My father makes over $1.2 million a year and has completely cut my mom off from alimony."
"She has health problems and no other income."
"Recently, he left his tax returns open on my laptop."
"I gave them to my mom so she could try to extend her alimony."
"Now my father says I crossed a line and that I'm violating his privacy and being 'vindictive.'"
"But I feel like my dad's the one who broke trust first—years ago."
"So, Reddit… AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP Fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for giving his mother his father's tax records.
Many felt that the OP gave his father exactly what he deserved, feeling a punishment for his bad behavior was overdue, even if some were concerned this could have dangerous repercussions in the future:
"NTA."
"Wouldn't he have effectively been lying to cease alimony in the first place?"- ghostiecatlol
"Even though I agree with the judgments here, I'm surprised to see people say OP is exactly like his father."
"Unless details are left out, OP's father is a serial cheater who embezzled from the company his family helped to build to get prostitutes."
"When OP was getting divorced, his father vindictively hired a lawyer to make his son's life miserable, including sending his medical records to the opposing side."
"Then he agreed to support the mother in exchange for OP dropping his lawsuit but he went back on his word and did not help the mom despite him making over $1M/year."
"OP sent his father's tax returns to his mom to help her out since his dad went back on his word."
"I get this is wrong, and this entire family is f*cked up, but the dad seems extremely selfish compared to OP."
"NTA."- Traditional_Bug_2046
"NTA."
"Your father has repeatedly violated your privacy and sabotaged your life—giving privileged medical records to your ex's lawyer?"
"That's beyond betrayal."
"Now he's mad that you used his own financial documents (which he carelessly left accessible) to help your mother, whom he promised to support?"
"That's just karma coming full circle."
"His complaints about 'privacy' are hypocritical at best."
"He played dirty for years—he doesn't get to cry foul now."- _imjustarandomdude_
"NTA."
"He left the documents open on your laptop, and you didn't steal them."
"He broke a verbal commitment he made that he would look after mom if you dropped your lawsuit."
"But it sounds like your dad isn't a good person."
"I would be prepared that he might try to get revenge in some way in the future."- blueswan6
"NTA - your mother DESERVES alimony."
"She DESERVES the care he promised, period."
"F*ck him."
"Trash father."- bluboy_Books
"NTA."
"If your Millionaire father is stupid enough to just leave his tax returns open on your laptop after he tried to screw you over by hiring a lawyer for your wife during the divorce hearing and giving those lawyers your privileged medical information then he deserves what he gets."
"And also tax returns are not nearly as confidential as medical information."
"I'm not even sure they're actually is any confidentiality, legally speaking."- confused_Struggling
"NTA."
"He was never loyal and didn't keep his word."
"Face!"
"He gave your health documents to f@#$% you."
"This is unforgivable!"
"But he wants all of that from you to him."- YouAccording3896
"NTA."
"Your dad sucks and I get why you did it."- RedRedBettie
"NTA."
"He got a taste of his own medicine."- asblvckasmysoul
"NTA."
"Because you're helping your helpless mother, but you played it wrong. he will cut you off."
"Why didn't you you talk to him first about helping your mother self willingly?"
"You're gonna get cut off, your mother not going to get help until the court trial finish and if she win."
"What is she going to do till then?"
"Your father is some piece of work , I would play it differently I believe."- Front_Requirement893
"NTA, I like your style."- Full_Campaign5430
"NTA."
"Dad taught you by example, why's he complaining now?"- DangerLime113
"NTA in the slightest."
"He showed you what was fair game years ago."- GimmeMuchosMangos
"NTA."
"Good for you for helping your mom out and by extension yourself and siblings (if you have them)."
"Your dad cheating your mom out of financial support would have eventually cost you, helping her was the right and responsible thing to do."
"You were never vindictive, you simply followed your father's example and looked out for your own interests."- StrangeDaisy2017
"NTA."
"What's good for the goose is good for the gander."- BSBitch47
"NTA."
"Hope it helps your mom."- FoundationFickle7568
"NTA."
"Best thing you could have done for your mother."
"Sounds like your dad only cares about himself as his past behavior proves that."- Anonymous-Cat-24
"NTA."
"Lmao at anyone getting pissy on behalf of the dogsh*t father."- Snapplestache
"Your dad has been f*cking over his 'family' for over a decade."
"The records were on your laptop."
"Open for viewing."
"On your property."
"Open."
"There's no possible claim to privacy."
"I suppose you could claim it, but it wouldn't fly."
"NTA."
"It's called karma."
"Usually people get justice boners over this."
"You are not like him."
"Morally gray, yet for a good cause."
"Since your father was lying his a** off to screw your mother over financially anyway."- DoYouNeedAnAmbulance
"NTA."
"Your father left his tax returns on your laptop."
"He willingly gave your medical records (HIPPA) violation to his attorneys."
"After everything your father put you through, I'm surprised you still work for him."- MaeSilver909
"NTA."
"F*ck it and drop him."
"He sounds like trash anyways."- SnooChipmunks770
There were a few, however, who felt the OP shouldn't have sunk to his father's level, even if they felt his father still got what he deserved:
"ESH."
"He violated your privacy, and you violated his."
"Two wrongs STILL don't make a right."- No_Yogurtcloset_1687
If the OP was hoping to ever make amends with his father, he seemed to preclude that possibility by exposing his tax records.
However, based on his past behavior, the OP's father doesn't seem like someone worth making amends with.
Nor does he really seem to have anyone to blame but himself, as he was the one who left his tax returns open on his son's computer.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp