It’s fairly natural for your family to be interested in your relationship. If things go well, there will be a new member of the family and that’s always reason to celebrate, right?
Redditor Rover_Airplace4313’s family wasn’t too sure though. When the original poster (OP) told his family he’d be moving in with his girlfriend, they had concerns.
OP thinks they overstepped their bounds, but his family thinks he’s overreacting. To find out, OP asked the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about his situation.
What did his family do?
“AITA for being mad about my family hiring a private investigator to investigate my girlfriend?”
Why would they do something like that?
“My girlfriend and I moved in together last month and I’m planning on proposing soon. I introduced her to my family before we moved in together.”
“A few weeks after the introduction my parents, brother and some other family sat me down to discuss something ‘serious’. After I told everyone we were going to live together my parents, uncle and brother had a private investigation done into on girlfriend.”
“I’ll say up front that 14 years ago my girlfriend had an admitted gambling problem. It’s not a secret. She works with gamblers anonymous, she is a sponsor for recovering gambling addicts and she’s posted about gambling addiction online and done many speeches and interviews about it over the years.”
“She’s spoken before politicians about it too. Anyone who searches her name, looks at social media or even talks to her would know. She told me about it the second time we met after our first date because she wanted to be honest.”
“I also want to say though she makes no excuses when she used to gamble she was self employed, financially supporting herself and didn’t have any kids or people depending on her so she only ever used her own money and affected herself. She didn’t affect others financially or borrow or steal from family or friends.”
“She doesn’t make excuses but what ended up getting her to quit was moving in to help her grandfather and once she was made a cosigner on his bank account and bills she realized she needed to stop. Since she stopped she served 8 years in the army, is in the national guard now and became a condo owner and has no debt and a great credit score.”
“Firstly she was honest with me and secondly it was in the past. I’ll admit to dumb things when I was younger, the same age she was when she gambled.”
“I used to be one of those idiots with a modified car who went to parking lot meetings with other people like me. I used to drive like a complete idiot thinking I was Vin Diesel in the fast and the furious.”
“It took someone I knew dying in a crash to smarten me up. I thank the universe every day I never hurt myself or another person. I don’t think I have room to talk about other people’s pasts considering mine. I was also honest to my girlfriend.”
OP and his GF have moved on from their pasts, but the background check is a cruel reminder.
“My girlfriend isn’t mad about the background check but I am. It was a complete invasion of her privacy. My family knows things about her finances and other things I consider private.”
“She has no criminal record, tickets or driving record, bankruptcies or debt and she served honorably with the army and has medals. There was no need to investigate her.”
“The only problem they had is the gambling. I think they’re hypocrites to say it’s a deal breaker when my own driving record from that time is filled with speeding tickets and I have a sibling in federal prison.”
“I went off on them and left the meeting and I told everyone involved how wrong and creepy they were. My brother has been telling me I overreacted and my girlfriend isn’t mad so now I’m not sure if I’m being too sensitive about this and shouldn’t be mad.”
OP is confused since this seems like a violation of privacy, but his family feels it’s justified. On top of that, his girlfriend says she’s not upset about it.
The Reddit commenters judged OP’s response by including one of the following in their comment:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Despite his girlfriend being okay with it after the fact, many commenters thought it was wrong for OP’s family to run the investigation. If they took a second to ask OP about it, they would have found that OP’s GF was very open about her past.
They likely didn’t even need to run the background check, though even if she was private about it, it was still wrong.
“NTA but they are… bc wow, how much did they pay the private investigator when they could’ve just asked her, or looked-up her ig? haha omg.” – lojo20
“NTA. My fiancé had this happen twice. One ex is a friend and freely admit her aunt is binkers and way out of line for doing that.”
“Your gf is allowed to not be bothered just like you are allowed to be. Your brother’s reaction makes me think this isn’t the first time they’ve done this.” – PommeDeSang
“Your girlfriend is amazingly forgiving, because in her shoes I’d be going medieval.”
“NTA. Go medieval yourself. They deserve it. And make sure they know that it’s you angry, not her.” – threeforagirl
“NTA. That is 100% not their place to do. They had no right and I would be livid. Parents do not belong in their kids romantic lives. I would find it hard to trust my parents again if they did that to me.” – Contriived
“You’re family is incredibly invasive and that’s really uncomfortable. Intentions don’t matter, actions do.”
“They obviously don’t trust your judgement and therefore, took it upon themselves to investigate your s/o.”
“Good for you for standing up for your relationship. Despite it being against your family, sometimes, family can be extremely toxic and hiring a P.I. is about as toxic as it gets.” – Otherwise_Peach6785
Other commenters were flabbergasted that OP’s family would ever think this was okay.
“NTA that’s absolutely insane. Who does this?” – ScorchedHelmet
“Apparently my family. I didn’t expect this because nothing like this happened when my older brother or my cousin got married but my mom said it’s because they married the daughters of well known family friends so there was no need for it.”
“All my other cousins are teenagers so they don’t need to worry about this yet but I’m concerned the same thing will happen to them too.” – Rover_Airplane4313 (OP)
“Meaning, you’re not a person, you’re just an extension of your ‘family name’”
“This is some bullsh** and you don’t have to stand for it.” – WhatThis4
OP’s family needs to learn respect and distance. Concerns about a relationship should be addressed with OP directly, not handled with investigations behind OP’s back.