As lovely as family traditions can be, there are some that show a really ugly side of the family members who get too involved with the upkeep of tradition.
Sometimes, it’s more important to see family members happy and honored by starting something new, rather than continuing a generations-long tradition, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, but some refuse to see it that way.
Redditor Mailixuz was not interested in the family name tradition that her husband’s family had maintained, and she thought that he agreed with her, at least until they were expecting a boy.
When his family would not stop bullying her about what to name her future son, and her husband even took their side, the Original Poster (OP) questioned how close she could stay to the family, her marriage included.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for walking out of my in-laws’ house with my daughter and leaving my husband behind because they all ganged up on me to name our son one of the family’s names?”
The OP thought that she and her husband agreed about naming their kids.
“My husband (32 Male) and I (31 Female) have been married for five years, we have a two-year-old daughter together, and I’m expecting our son in a few months.”
“When we met, he told me there were some family names for the boys that everyone was encouraged to use, and he didn’t want to. I told him I hated the idea of being obligated to name my kids after other people, so that worked for me.”
“He mostly goes by his middle name, too, because he felt like it allowed him his own identity instead of being another ‘Tim’ or ‘John’ in the family.”
That was at least until they were expecting a boy.
“We had no issues naming our daughter a non-family name. But a few weeks after we found out we were having a boy this time, and we had started making a list of names we liked, he started switching things up on me and saying we should pick one of the three family names.”
“I told him I wasn’t okay with that, and he was like, ‘Come on, it’s not a big deal, and even if you don’t like them, it makes everyone else happy.'”
“I asked him why the sudden switch-up, and he said it was to make his family happy.”
“And I asked him if he was willing to do that at the expense of me being unhappy, and he said no.”
“But then he asked what we could pair those names with to make it okay, and he started suggesting middle names for those three as first names to try and change my mind.”
“This continued for weeks, and I told him we needed a break from baby names before we started outright fighting over this.”
“He apologized and agreed to stopping the name talk for a few weeks.”
“When we went back to it, he started suggesting names for our list that I just thought were awful and would never use. They were so unlike the names already on our list.”
“Then he was like, ‘The family names aren’t so bad now, huh?’ and I said the answer to them was still no.”
“I suggested we could use them as middle names if he really wanted to, and he said we could easily use a name we love as a middle name and use the family names first, like his name.”
The conversation worsened when the OP was around her in-laws.
“Then we were at his family’s house a couple of weekends ago to celebrate his niece’s birthday. It was a low-key thing and just dinner.”
“But it turned into a s**tshow of everyone ganging up on me and asking why I was against the family names and could I honestly think of better names.”
“I was told the names we liked were just okay and some were downright awful, but these three family names were amazing, fabulous, full of charm, and other compliments that I felt went a bit over the top with how much emphasis was put on them, basically being the three best boy names to ever exist, ever!!”
“My husband was joining in with them, and I was being told that I acted like giving birth made me the more important parent, and how it should matter what they and my husband want.”
“They said that I can suck it up and deal with it to make him and them happy. How as this is a boy he should get priority in naming him. And that I’m so selfish for trying to break this wonderful family tradition.”
The OP was over the conversation.
“By that point, I was just done with it, and I took my daughter and went home, leaving my husband there. He was upset when he got home and asked me why I left him behind and why I stormed out like that in the first place.”
“I told him that they all ganged up on me, so why would I stay?”
“Then I told him he wasn’t being a very good or supportive husband right now and that I wasn’t in the mood to act like things were perfectly fine.”
“He has apologized since then, but his family is saying I made him apologize when he didn’t need to, and I acted childishly, and I’m blowing things up over a nam,e which seems unfair.”
“They even said it’s not like it’s a single name because I have three to choose from, which is better than some families offer.”
“I feel like they make it sound worse and worse to me. Like, there are rules around naming babies or something. My husband and I are still working through stuff.”
“But AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA and stood against the in-laws and her husband.
“NTA. Not at all. His family gets no say in what the two of you name your child. If he keeps it up, tell him there will be consequences.”
“Also, let everyone know that you will not use one of the family names, and that anyone who keeps pushing will not be in contact with your children. This is an insane level of interference.” – Shadow4summer
“NTA. Make sure there is a nurse or birth coach, but I’d tell them what the name is supposed to be, and they are not to write any other names in case you have a C-section or can’t physically fill out the forms.”
“Otherwise, he and his family will try to put what they want and make it legal as soon as possible.” – tayhub93
“Imagine not being able to trust your spouse when you go through arguably one of the most risky experiences a woman can have.”
“To the point where you have to have an agreement in place with your care staff so that he cannot use your weak state against you.”
“Massive yikes. NTA, though.” – ccc2801
“Imagine marrying a spineless f**k like this? Btw, remember, this is a PREGNANT woman they were ganging up on. The f**king AUDACITY.” – No-Captain-1310
“I’m getting concerned that while OP is in a vulnerable state after giving birth, he might just name the baby what he wants to name it without her agreement. It has happened before. Some women have had to resort to hiding their labour from husbands to make sure they don’t do evil sh*t like this.” – HavePlushieWillTalk
Others hoped that the OP would divorce her husband before they had a baby together.
“OP, take the old list that you and DH originally were working together on, take your daughter, and go spend the rest of your pregnancy with your own family. When the baby is born, pick a name and put it on the birth certificate, and then call him.”
“This is serious: the pressure they’re exerting over a boy’s name, that they didn’t exert over your daughter’s name, is showing you that they’re going to value your son over your daughter. And your husband is spineless.”
“I’d divorce him if it were me. From a distance. Among MY family. Before the baby is born, so you can fight even having him on the birth certificate. Be careful. NTA.” – JadieJang
“NTA. And I hope you start calling your husband by his real first name, not his middle name. Make him own that amazing name that is so very much loved. If he can’t handle that, sorry, divorce.” – Upsidedownmeow
“OP, you need to sit down with your husband, now, and explain to him that you cannot trust him right now. He needs to understand that his words have meaning and his actions have consequences.”
“Outline how he needs to stand up for you to his family, or you and he will have to withhold access to the children. This will never get better unless he makes it better, or you leave with the kids.”
“Ask him, is this the example you want your daughter to follow? Being bullied by her future boyfriend’s family, with no regard to her feelings or opinions at all? Is this what he wants for his family? Having a wife that doesn’t trust him and two kids that only know how much their parents argue and how much grandma hates mommy?”
“Also, please make arrangements with the hospital to only allow you to fill out the paperwork, no matter what he says.” – sowachowski
“NTA. I would tell your husband that unless he wants to be uninvited to see his son born, he better stand up to his family. He is the problem here. He first needs to get on board with the fact that this family tradition is not happening and to let it go.”
“Then he needs to stand up to his family and put them in their place about how to treat you going forward. If he won’t do that, then you have some big decisions to make about the state of your marriage. I would also consider couples therapy, as this is such a big issue.”
“As a last resort, you have every right to determine who is in the delivery room and hospital when you give birth and who isn’t. If he doesn’t get his s**t together, perhaps he won’t be invited.”
“It may well be legal for you to be the only person filling out and signing the birth certificate, especially if he is not allowed to visit. I would not trust him to complete the documents while you are sleeping or behind your back.”
“If you have to keep him out, then keep him out.” – misscrankypants
“When someone says you should go along to get along with extended family.”
“What they are really saying is your feelings and discomfort aren’t ‘bad’ enough for me to endure making my extended family disappointed or uncomfortable.”
“OP, I would be plenty ready to ask if he would like to get divorced.”
“Because he’s putting other people’s wants and desires (people who have had their children and named them what they chose) over yours, this baby’s actual mother, who has gestated him in her body for almost 10 months…”
“‘You can’t force me to use the names your family prefers. Do you want to return to being the person you said you were when I agreed to marry you and one day have children, or would you like to be divorced?'”
“This isn’t about the name. This is about how he is abdicating on promises he made you to appease his family. It should matter more to him that YOU are happy.”
“He is making you feel NOT okay because he is being untrustworthy and diminishing what’s important to you. Nothing his family is doing has anything to do with love.” – No_Appointment_7232
The subReddit could not believe the stink the in-laws were creating about the baby’s name, no matter how much the mother of that baby was not interested in the name. But worse, they were disgusted by the side that the OP’s husband was choosing, as it was not the right one.
If he really wanted to be married and to have a family with the OP, then he needed to back the OP and raise the family that they started. Otherwise, divorce was in their future, as was going back to his parents’ home without a little boy with his namesake in tow.