Around the holidays, most of us have way too many plans to juggle, and that's not including any birthdays that may fall during that time.
We become so busy, sometimes we have to choose between events, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, which can lead to some serious disappointment for someone.
Redditor FewMasterpiece1117 was looking forward to the international trip he had planned with his family, right after his stepdaughter's friend's birthday.
But when her friend's birthday was rescheduled to during their trip, the Original Poster (OP) was criticized for still wanting to go on the trip at the original time.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for taking the family on vacation without my wife and stepdaughter?"
The OP's wife and stepdaughter were very close to a mother and daughter.
"My stepdaughter is in high school and has a best friend she's known since they were babies."
"Her best friend's mother and my wife have been friends since the birth of their girls. She helped my wife through her divorce, and my stepdaughter stayed with them for days at a time during the worst part of that process."
"My wife and I have two children together."
The family was in the habit of attending the stepdaughter's friend's birthday every year.
"My stepdaughter's best friend has a birthday in December. We are well aware of her birthday because we attend it every year."
"This year, my side of the family planned to take a huge overseas Christmas vacation which required us to ask her friend's mother for the party date."
"Because it's her friend's sweet sixteen birthday party, we planned and bought our tickets to leave two days after the party so that my stepdaughter wouldn't miss it. It's going to be huge with over 100 people in attendance and catered food. I've been told almost everyone in their class is attending."
A problem arose when the birthday party was rescheduled.
"Monday, my stepdaughter came home and told us that the party date was moved to accommodate some of her friend's family members who decided last minute to fly in for it. The problem is that the date was moved to one well after our departure date."
"Here's the problem. First, we're not made of money so for us to change the flight and hotel for our family will more than double the cost."
"Second, it will be a two-week overseas trip, so I already had my vacation approved and can't change it. If we fly out after the party, my vacation will be cut down to only a week."
"Third, I only get to see some of my siblings at Christmas, so if I don't go this year, I won't see them until next year."
"Fourth, my entire side of the family planned our vacation around the party date months ago."
The family could not agree on a solution.
"My original solution was to tell her friend's parents to keep their original date since my family planned around their schedule. My wife immediately shot down that idea."
"My second solution was for us to leave as planned but change only my stepdaughter's ticket since she's on break and is old enough to fly herself. My wife shot that down too since she's also friends with the other mother and wants to go to the party."
"My wife's solution is for us to just fly out after the party. I don't like this idea at all because of the added cost and lessening time."
"Our talk turned into an argument that's lasted all week. Last night my wife put her foot down and said that we're not missing the birthday party, to which I replied that she's not missing the birthday party. I told her I was flying out with our two kids as planned whether or not she was on the flight."
"That took our argument to the next level to the point that my stepdaughter called me an AH, so I tried to ground her, at which point my wife said I couldn't because she was justified."
"Everything is a mess now."
"AITA for not wanting to move the trip?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought it was unfortunate but stated that sometimes plans change.
"How does a birthday party trump a vacation? Is this friend dying? Are they offering a once-in-a-lifetime time experience at this party that the vacation is not? I'm so confused. OP, NTA, I wouldn't even offer for wife and stepdaughter to join you anymore." - TemporaryWise1420
"This is super weird. Who cares about this teenager's birthday party? My parents would have been like, 'Tough break, we have plane tickets,' and that would have been it." - Jerseygirl2468
"Who plans a family vacation around a teen friend's birthday party? I mean, I get they're close and all of that, but this whole thing makes no sense."
"Of course, the girl's family changed their party to accommodate more family members being able to attend. Of course, they're gonna put more weight on relatives being able to make it in than a teen friend."
"Next, why would you plan your trip around a friend of your kid's birthday? Why couldn't the girls just celebrate and have a party before they get there and then they can just Skype or whatever the day of the party?"
"Also, when even is her birthday? It sounds like it was moved weeks. What teen doesn't celebrate their birthday on the day (or at the very least at the nearest weekend to it)."
"None of this makes any sense." - acegirl1985
"Yeah, this is crazy. It's a birthday party. I have a birthday very close to Christmas. Do you know how many friends have missed my birthday because they had family trips planned? Dozens. And I've never taken it personally or been upset when they couldn't make it work."
"We just plan to celebrate at another time. I can't necessarily call the other family a**holes because we have no idea what was told to them or if they have any expectations at all for OP's family to attend. But moving around your international flights and vacation time to accommodate a friend's birthday party is absolutely wild." - SandwichOtter
"Oh, didn't you hear? Taylor Swift is playing at this friend's birthday party. She also happened to rearrange her tour schedule to accommodate this friend's extended family. Very generous. (Just kidding.)"
"NTA, OP, and the worst part is, you know they'll complain that they haven't been on vacation for ages if they miss the trip. Just from this post, the OP's wife and stepdaughter sound like the people who think nothing is ever good enough for them, and they're never happy with anything." - Icy-Comparison-5893
Others agreed and thought the wife and stepdaughter were being disrespectful.
"If the wife and stepdaughter don't want to miss the birthday party, then why on earth can't OP go without them, without causing any drama? Is he not allowed to enjoy his holidays if they're not with him? What about the other two kids? Why do they have to stay at home because of their decision?"
"This is ridiculous to be honest, and they both sound toxic as f**k. At the very least, they think they're the center of everyone's universe, and OP and the other two kids are just their 'peasants.'"
"Stepdaughter and wife hopefully have to pay it themselves to get their tickets changed at the very least... though it would be better if they stay at home and don't drag their drama to your family time, OP. It's time for you to put YOUR foot down, OP, and don't bow to their nonsense." - Crazyandiloveit
"Wow... reasonableness just went right out the window. I am utterly baffled at your wife and stepdaughter's reaction to this. I'm talking about someone explaining differential equations to a golden retriever while blowing in a dog whistle level baffled."
"NTA NTA NTA. Everyone knew everyone's dates. Everyone knew this trip was happening."
"Your wife and stepdaughter are being ridiculous. I cannot imagine that the money (i.e. doubling the cost of the vacation) isn't enough to change minds. Then of course there are all the time factors, loss of PTO, that you'd be overseas for a WEEK? Lord, you are barely getting through jetlag and then flying back?"
"If I may suggest, if it's that important to them, then you can take the cost out of your stepdaughter's college fund, savings, sell a car, future allowance, and future Christmas/birthday presents. Obviously, money doesn't matter to them."
"So just say, 'Okay, I've got 10k (or whatever) to make up. So 10k from the college fund (well 15k to cover all the penalties since this isn't an education expense). No? Oh... well, let's sell your car... No? Well... I'm taking back all your presents... No? Well, I thought this party was important to you, but you don't want to pay for the ticket and hotel changes... so I'm getting mixed signals here.'" - SolmaRedditUserNow
"Now we know why the wife has been divorced once already. She's working on her second as we speak." - Inconceivable44
"NTA. Did your wife and daughter fail to notice that although your family planned your trip around the dates of her friend's birthday party, her friend's parents couldn't be bothered to keep to their planned date, and they changed the party date for THEIR family's wishes? So in your daughter's and wife's eyes, not only does your daughter's friend take priority over your whole family, but your daughter's friend's extended family takes priority over your extended family."
"One of two things happened here in the minds of your daughter's friend's parents. Either they have no respect for you whatsoever and expect you to absorb thousands of dollars in fees to change your flights, and expect you to miss half of your family vacation, or they don't really care if your daughter goes to this party or not."
"I think the moral rule that should hold here is that you don't break prior plans because you got a better offer. You made plans with your family, for specific dates, times, and places. You and your family all spent a lot of money on this group trip where you could all see each other."
"You would be letting them down if you only showed up for half of it, and that's in addition to the money it would cost you to change the dates. (And how will your family feel if you tell them you showed up a week late because of a teenager's party, or if your wife and daughter don't appear because they rate a teen friend over their own family?)"
"You made a commitment to a particular party date. Your daughter's friend then changed her party date. A change of date is a whole new calendar item and you have no obligation to attend it, especially if you have a conflict with a prior commitment. You have a prior commitment because you've already bought tickets for your family trip."
"Nor do your daughter's friend's family, or your daughter, or your wife, have any right to expect that their new party date will take precedence over your nuclear family's existing commitment to visit your own extended family. The friend's family is the one who created the conflict by changing the date. It's not your obligation to change your plans or be jerked around by them."
"Your daughter and your wife are being massive brats here and are being utterly disrespectful to your family." - reasonable-Sale8611
The subReddit was infinitely perplexed by how the OP's wife was handling this situation and how she was prioritizing the birthday party over their family's travel plans.
It seemed the most reasonable thing would be for the women to attend at the original start time or perhaps not to attend at all, so that their undoubtedly negative attitudes would not sour the trip for everyone else.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp