Between social media and home DNA testing, finding unexpected family, especially siblings and half-siblings, has certainly increased in the digital age.
A young woman who was recently contacted by another potential half-sibling turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to ask a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) question for feedback.
Nephilimirena asked:
“WIBTA if I deny my newfound half-sister (on my father’s side) access to my mother?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“This is a bit complicated, please bear with me. Recently a girl (23, female) reached out to me (25, female) via Facebook explaining that she is my half-sister, conceived by my father and another woman.”
“She explained that her mother recently ‘came clean to her’ regarding her father—that she (23F) was the result of a one night stand (ONS) with a guy she met during a work trip. Before this, she was told that she was the bio kid of her stepfather.”
“She didn’t find our father online as he doesn’t have social media, but found me thanks to our very uncommon surname (how her mother knows our surname but doesn’t have any other contact information, I don’t know. 23F told me her mother was very cagey about everything).”
“After a bunch of messaging, we set up a video call to talk, and 23F explained she was very excited to connect with her real family and yadda yadda… But not just with my father’s side, also with my mother’s?”
“As you can guess from our ages, my father cheated on my mom with 23Fs mother. No surprise there as he had tons of affairs during the marriage, which is why they divorced almost 2 decades ago.”
“I’m also not surprised that 23F exists as my father told me himself years ago when I was grilling him about the cheating that he most likely has a bunch of affair kids out there because ‘that’s just how men are’.”
“I was open with her and told her that I’m no contact (NC) with my paternal family because not only did they condone the cheating (and blamed my mom for it), they are also just toxic in general.”
“There is a lot to say about my paternal family, but to keep it concise, I told her I could give her their contact info, but that she should keep her expectations low because they are all pretty terrible people, and she won’t be seen as a long lost daughter coming home.”
“But me saying that led to her asking about my maternal family, to which I told her that they are amazing people and that my mother is great. She then got excited and said she can’t wait to connect with my mom and I’m… stumped as to why I would let her do that.”
“She is not related to my mom, and my parents divorced long ago. My mom has also since remarried.”
“Also, the timing of 23Fs conception coincides with the time when my mom miscarried my younger brother, something that obviously hurt her a lot. Knowing that, on top of that pain, my father was cheating on her during that time is another can of worms.”
“I told 23F I would ask my mom if she’s OK with connecting with her but… I don’t think I should even bring this up to her. All of this just seems so weird to me, and I don’t even know if 23F is a ‘good’ person, or if she has some sort of ulterior motive for wanting to know my mom.”
“23F couldn’t even give me a good reason as to why she would want that, just that my mom is my family, and thus also hers (23Fs).”
“I’m leaning towards not mentioning this to my mom and giving 23F my dad’s info, but my best friend said I’m an a**hole for ‘keeping’ my mom ‘to myself’ and that I shouldn’t make this decision for my mom.”
“WIBTA if I don’t mention anything to my mom?”
The OP later added:
“I’m not blaming her, I feel for her. Finding out that the family you’re surrounded by isn’t your biological family AND that you’re the product of an affair is no doubt a painful thing.”
“It’s never the child’s fault though, and I see her as one of the many, many people hurt by my father’s selfish way of living. I don’t mind getting to know her and being her sister if she’s a nice person—I already have 8 half/step siblings, so what’s one more…”
“As for the DNA test, I’m actually not sure how it works. The timeline lines up perfectly, and her and I look very alike (down to the rare hair and eye color), but only a test would bring actual clarity…”
“But I’m not sure if that can be done across different continents?”
“I had to leave this part out in the post due to the character limit, but her and her family are American, whereas my family is German. She has never been to Europe, and doesn’t speak German (and most of my family doesn’t really speak English)…”
“As for telling my mom, I still feel unsure. Our relationship is very strong, and if I explain my reasoning for not telling her, I’m sure she would understand.”
“My father has already put her through way too much, and I don’t want to give my paternal family a new link to her through 23F. At the same time, my mom is an adult and very strong, so maybe I should let her make her own decision in that regard.”
“But it might be better if I test the waters with 23F first to see if she’s a decent person or if there’re any other things about her that are off, before I put my mom through that emotional turmoil.”
“I’m obviously prioritising my mom’s feelings over those of a stranger. And as mentioned in my post, she has her own mom and a stepfather.”
“I’m genuinely curious why this stranger is entitled to having access to someone she has no connection to (‘mother of her half-sister’) when she does not know me yet either.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“The action in question is about denying my half-sister her request to connect with my mom, who she isn’t related to.
I’m wondering whether I would be the a**hole for it because my half-sister would see it as me denying her to get to know ‘her’ family.”
“Whereas I personally think that my mom’s side has nothing to do with my half-sister, and that this would just be unnecessarily unpleasant for my mom as my half-sister is the result of an affair.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/WNBTA).
“NTA. I may be overly suspicious, but I’d be wanting DNA evidence of relationship after her so smoothly moving on from wanting to be connected with your father’s family onto your mother’s.”
“Grifters and scams abound these days and it pays to be cautious.” ~ Hypno_psych
“NTA, however, your mom needs a heads up. Your father’s daughter seems to be looking for new family and she is not related to your maternal extended family. Your mom should be prepared in case she goes around you.” ~ SeaworthinessDue8650
“Please take your best friend to the hospital ASAP. It appears that she’s had a head injury recently.”
“On a more serious note, secrets are destructive and as much as you want to protect your mom, just let her know and she can decide for herself. Sadly your dad did a number on her trust with the affairs.”
“Don’t let this be a secret to break your bond. It’s also saying, I don’t think you can handle it vibes. Imagine if 23 decides to contact her of her own cognition and your mom found out you knew…yikes. Just be up front.”
“23F doesn’t have any rights to your mother. I’m also wondering whether she’s reaching out to your mom as a way of hurting her mother?” ~ Virtual_Entrance6376
“No freaking kidding. It would be an a**hole move to give this girl access to your mom. I can think of no good reason for your supposed half-sister (I’d want proof she actually is my half-sister before engaging any further) to want it and it would be pointless at best and painful at worst for your mother. YWNBTA.” ~ Kindly_Jellyfish_451
“Yes, tell your mom. But how you tell her matters. You got contacted by someone who claims to be your father’s affair baby. You don’t have to give her age at first.”
“The woman wants to meet your mother, it seems she thinks your mother is somehow family. You aren’t happy about it, but you felt your mother deserved a heads up about it. Then support your mother’s decision.” ~ star_tyger
“I would be wary of staying in touch with someone who is delusional enough to believe that your mother would want contact with her ex’s child who was conceived while they were married.” ~ Truebeliever-14
“That is suspicious as f*ck, like others said. There’s a high chance she is a scammer. Inform your mom so she knows to watch out, but don’t give that woman her contact info.” ~ Short_Gain8302
“NTA. Honestly, in this situation I’d protect my mother at all costs. Whether you wish to pursue a relationship with this woman is up to you. Your mom isn’t obliged and it would be unfair to even put the pressure of making that choice on her.” ~ Ok-Educator850
OP was advised to proceed with caution and give her mother a heads up in case the half-sister decides to contact her directly.
Sounds like the best solution.