The paradox of money is that it is the source of most of our biggest problems, but also the source of many solutions.
The difficulty, of course, is using it for the latter while avoiding the prior.
So what happens when you can’t really avoid the former, and the latter is not possible?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) MannerMinimum214 when, in a now deleted post, he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to help my father financially when I make over 5 times his salary?”
We got right to the problem.
“I (31M) have a father (52M) who has 2 other children from another woman.”
“He always asks me for money because I am a chemical engineer that makes over 250k$ a year.”
“Most of the time I do it, because his asks are pretty small, but he has never had a vacation with me before.”
“In the last 2 years, he has asked me to pay for his trips to have quality time with his other kids.”
“This year, I asked if I could also tag along, but he said that I wouldn’t fit in and it’d be awkward.”
“This time, the trip cost over $20,000, so I said, if I’m paying for this trip, I’m tagging along.”
“He got very annoyed and said that he had promised a father-son bonding experience for them. I asked him why he promised to do something he couldn’t afford, and he said ‘because I know you’ll pay for it.'”
“I asked him why we never had father-son bond time, and he shouted ‘ARE YOU GONNA DO IT OR NOT?”’
“I told him no.”
“Now all of my family is saying that just be I was denied something that doesn’t mean I should deny it to other people, but maybe he shouldn’t’ve promised someone he’d do something when he couldn’t afford it?”
“Idk, a lot of people are telling me that I am the a**hole. What do you think?”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Money matters.
“NTA”
“I thought this was going to be about helping your dad with medical bills or something a reasonable person might ask for help with.”
“What planet is your father on?”
“$20,000 for a vacation you aren’t even a part of?? That’s insane! You’re his son, not his personal trust fund.” ~ JustheBean
“You’re his son, not his personal trust fund.
And it’s about time his father sees that. Pull the plug on giving him any more money since he’s shown how little he actually cares about his own son. ~ Heavy_Sand5228
“When I was a kid and did ‘father-son bonding trips’ with my dad they probably cost him less than 100 dollars a day.”
“Camping and fishing and backpacking are all cheap. $20,000 dollars for a vacation is just insane to me.” ~ RobinHood21
“Especially when said father can’t even be bothered to have the son paying join.”
“In that situation, I would eventually develop resentment over the stepsiblings seemingly being favored.”
“And why is the Dad not promoting bonding between the siblings – including OP? He’s training the younger kids to only see their older brother as an ATM” ~ No_Rush_677
“It’s so weird to me because I know people who worry about the prices of gifts etc for their children.”
“For my.friend’s daughter’s bday, she got a ton of stuff from her parents – the most expensive being one of those little jeeps you can get for kids they csn drive around the yard.”
“I went to dollar tree, filled up a bag with random crap, and her favorite present she got was in that bag.”
“It was a kid sized broom and dustpan.” ~ bondzplz
OP’s dad was suspicious.
“Is it REALLY a father and son ‘bonding’ trip or is it a trip with a girl friend?”
“Or for something else entirely?”
“He might just have said it was for a trip with his son because he thought his rich son would go for that story. I would go NC with that man.” ~ Secret_Bad1529
“The vibe I’m reading is OPs dad had him when he was young and it probably wasn’t ‘the plan.'”
“The kids with another woman are probably younger siblings and we might even be talking teenagers or younger.”
“OP might not have much of a sibling relationship with them to speak of if that’s all true.”
“But ultimately the thing I’m suspecting is OP grew up with an absentee father who had his second family, and is being asked to pay for the family vacations he (OP) never got taken on.”
“It’s all really sh*tty and he’s NTA at all.”
“Hopefully he tells the family members who are mad at him that they’re welcome to group together and pay for the dad’s family bonding vacation since they think the experience is so important for everyone.” ~ AmIRadBadOrJustSad
“Yeah, maybe it’s too many AITA stories, but this kind of defensiveness SCREAMS that dad was caught in a lie.”
“Gambling debts? Drugs? Idk, but it doesn’t seem like a normal reaction to OP’s question.” ~ caffeinefree
“Yeah, me too! That would be diabolical if it was for a girlfriend.”
“What would that girlfriend think when the bank closes and they can’t live large anymore?” ~ No_Rush_677
“NTA.”
“Your father is a user and a parasite.”
“A taker, not a giver, and damn self-entitled about YOUR money.”
“Please do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and set whatever boundaries you need.”
“If you’re not seeing a therapist, I highly recommend that.”
“I, too, had an abusive, entitled parent who claimed to love me but who was jealous and resentful about the good things in my life, including the fruits of my hard work and kindness toward others.”
“She acted like a perpetual victim and repeatedly showed no respect or real regard for me.”
“A very good therapist was instrumental in helping me deal with all of her gaslighting, meanness, and emotional manipulation.”
“Good luck and take care. Your father has shown you exactly how he is. Believe him.” ~ bluespruce5
Our Community.
“When I was a kid, my dad made about $20k A YEAR, and I have plenty of good memories from our bonding experiences.”
“We didn’t take many vacations but we had a few road trips in there and lots of little day trips that were sometimes disasters, haha.”
“Definitely don’t need $20k to make memories.”~ MaesterSherlock
“When I was three, parents loaded us all, little sister, too, into a truck and trailer, and spent most of a year touring Canada and the US.”
“3 month stop in Phoenix while Dad worked because he underestimated costs, lol.”
“I have a lot of memories of that trip 50 years later. “~ Squigglepig52
“Some years ago, I got a really good bonus and took my mother to NYC for a week for her birthday so we could be total theater geeks.”
“She NEVER would have asked for a trip like that – I did it because she was a great mom, and I wanted to show her how much I appreciated her.”
“I can just imagine how hard her eyes would have rolled at the idea of someone asking their child to stake them to a $20,000 vacation.” ~ LadyV21454
“Idk if anyone has told you this, but I’m so proud of you for making your way in the world, being successful, AND having a kind and generous soul.”
“I’m so sorry your dad doesn’t give you the appreciation and respect you’ve earned.”
“My husband and I are around your dad’s age, and we’d never ask our kids for money.”
“We’d certainly never expect it.”
“We’ll just be happy to see them do well. I feel it’s time to cut your dad off.”
“There’s a term called ‘gray rock’ to deal with narcissistic ppl.”
“Pls look it up and consider gray rocking your dad AND the family members who believe you should cater to him.”
“As an example of normal – my dad never asked anything of me. He was just so happy to see me do well. That’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“Sending you so much love.” ~ MamaKat365
Entitlement.
“What’s insane is the father has no SHAME or EMBARRASSMENT to ask for 20k but ENTITLEMENT to go play dad for his other two children using money he didn’t earn or even suggest to pay back.”
“The father showed his true color and feelings when he was basically exasperated and basically said, ‘fine, I’ll come back and spend more of your money to give you a father/son experience.'”
“He is a BIG A**HOLE.”
“And you don’t have to explain to no one what you do with the money you earn as a result of your hard work.”
“If your family doesn’t understand that, it’s probably because you’re their ATM here and there, and they are putting themselves in his cutoff position and are scared you’re suddenly gonna grow a backbone!!”
“Maybe you should AND keep the details of your finances to yourself. Look around you and notice if you were to lose your job, who’d be there for you suddenly?”
“Tighten your circle. NTA.” ~ SnowWhiteandHer7men
Kindness has its limitations, and as the old saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
Remember that it’s important to take care of your own needs and fill your cup before thinking of someone else.
This is doubly true when that other person is trying to take more than they should.