Coparenting is a buzzword that emerged after the divorce boom of the 1970s. It seeks to center the partnership that remains in regards to any shared children after the end of a relationship.
Some aspects of coparenting are determined by the courts—like custody and financial support—but others require a respectful spirit of cooperation between parents. When that breaks down, conflict ensues.
A father found himself in a situation with his coparent over a family emergency and a missed visitation. He turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Vegetable_Pie_2168 asked:
"AITA for not taking my youngest children on their weekend because my oldest daughter had a baby?"
The original poster explained:
"This is messy."
"I—40, male—have been married to my wife Cindy off and on. We had a child together who is now 17."
"We had a rocky part in our marriage and split for a few years, where I met a woman Stacy. We were together for a while, having twins together, ages 12."
"Stacy and I split up, because she ended up being unfaithful. 2 years later I had reconciled with Cindy, we got my twins every weekend due to our work schedules."
"This past weekend my oldest daughter went into early labor. It was also my weekend with my twins."
"I had told Stacy on the way to the hospital that I would not be able to have them this weekend due to this. I had put my phone on silent and away, due to a lot going on."
"When I returned to my phone I had a bunch of texts from Stacy saying how I needed to go home and be with my twins, and how Cindy could handle this situation."
"I told her absolutely not, that I wasn't missing the birth of my grandchild."
"She then responded angrily saying how I was picking my oldest daughter over my youngest and how wrong that was since they can only see me on the weekends anyways."
"I tried texting and calling multiple times throughout the weekend, getting no responses."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their conundrum.
"I told my ex I couldn't take my twins because my oldest daughter was having a baby."
"She told me I was choosing my oldest daughter over my twins, and how horrible it was then wouldn't answer any of my texts all weekend."
"I might be the AH because I only get my twins on the weekends."
The OP added:
"I work 12 hour shifts Monday thru Friday. I've never missed a weekend before this, but I have covered for Stacy when she's been called in."
"I hadn't warned Stacy about anything because this was weeks early unexpected labor and I didn't get a chance to call until we were on the way to the hospital."
"My daughter wanted me in the delivery room with her, she made it very clear from the beginning."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were firmly divided between the OP being and not being the a**hole (YTA and NTA).
"YTA and birth isn't a spectator sport that requires a dad being there."
"I understand that you felt a need to be there to support your minor child, you did say she was early, so it's potentially very much an emergency."
"However you also have two other children. You aren't a single parent, sometimes you have to miss things."
"If you have an emergency, then you can offer your ex to keep them, but if she's adamant that you take them, then you need to find childcare for your children that are your responsibility during that time."
"Even if she was early, you should always have an emergency planned person you can call, just in case. Even if your other daughter wasn't having a baby, emergencies can and do happen."
"Your plans and your ex's time isn't a contest for who has something more important going on."
"It's fine if you need to be with one child in a hospital, but no matter what she has planned, you have other children you are required to also care for. You failed this, do better." ~ visceralthrill
YTA. Your kids could have come with you or you could have arranged a sitter. You can't just turn your phone off and run away."
"You clearly regret your relationship with their mother but you can't just act like they don't exist." ~ Oddish197
"You were picking it was literally your choice to go to the hospital with your oldest daughter and not bother with your youngest twins who have been waiting to see their daddy all week." ~ Plus_Data_1099
"YTA. Doesn't matter what is going on, you deal with your children on their ordered time with you."
"Find a babysitter. You don't just get to pick and choose when you need to be a parent." ~ FlipRoot
"YTA. It was your weekend to have your children. You can't just shoot up a text to their mother how you can't have them this weekend, and expect it to fly."
"What if the mother had plans already? You just railroaded your needs over hers."
"You also knew exactly what you were doing, texting Stacy and then putting your phone on silent."
"'She then responded angrily saying how I was picking my oldest daughter over my youngest and how wrong that was since they can only see me on the weekends anyways'."
"She would be correct."
"'I tried texting and calling multiple times throughout the weekend, getting no responses'."
"You remember how you shot that text to Stacy and then put your phone on silent? You're getting back the same treatment and behaviour you practiced yourself." ~ Cocoasneeze
But the NTA contingent was equally adamant...
"NTA. Ignore these people op, labor is an emergency, especially premature, especially at 17, especially if you're in the US. We have awful mortality and complication rates."
"Your child undergoing a painful, scary, life threatening procedure that could maim, kill, and mentally destroy her was something that absolutely took priority over a regular weekend with your younger children."
"Make it up to your twins later by taking them somewhere extra fun next weekend and explain how dangerous and scary childbirth could be and how you would drop everything to be at their sides in the same situation."
"As for their mom, having your ex have an emergency and being unable to take the kids during their time is an expected part of the co-parenting process. I'm not sure what plans she could've had, but frankly, emergencies take precedence." ~ sandwichcrackers
"The twins are 12. My God, they'll be fine." ~ grumpyjerk1
"Why are people bashing OP for silencing his phone? Most hospitals TELL you to silence your phone if not just straight up turn it off."
"And if OP was actually IN the delivery room supporting his daughter he did the right thing." ~ oldbattrucker
"Congratulations on your first grandchild. Hopefully baby and mother are doing well."
"NTA, as it sounds like there wasn't time to pick up the twins and get to the hospital. Ultimately, what should matter most is how the twins feel, not their mother."
"I think an apology to them and an explanation of why you missed their visitation is needed. But you did the best you could given the situation you were in." ~ Redditor
...with one Redditor summing it all up quite well.
"NTA. I always lurk and never post but the comments on this are just ridiculous and I'm concerned about who is becoming a parent nowadays.
"OP is clearly NTA and he should have been there for his oldest daughter and he shouldn't have to miss the birth of his first grandchild because it's HIS weekend for the twins."
"What? Do people think of children like hot potatoes or something to be passed around? I can just imagine the entitlement of some parents whining 'Nooooo! It's my weekend to be off! That's YOUR responsibility!' and throwing a temper tantrum or something."
"What is this the taking care of an egg project? Are people that immature? I'm not a parent myself, but I am lucky enough to have been raised by good parents, and I know you don't just get to ever stop being a parent."
"That's the scary part of becoming a parent—the responsibility of that child forever WITHOUT any guaranteed breaks."
"To all the people bringing up it was HIS responsibility to find childcare, do you find it to be different when coparenting versus raising a child together under one roof?"
"My parents were together and I know that if Parent A agreed to take care of me for some period of time and then had some kind of emergency come up and couldn't do it, Parent B would take on the responsibility of dealing with it because Parent A is tied up."
"Is that not how parenting works anymore or is it somehow just different when you coparent? Do you believe you just stop being a parent because it's the other parent's turn? If so, I really feel sorry for your children. That's immature."
"To the people saying he should have planned, perhaps he should have. But honestly, he has the twins two days out of a seven day week. Isn't the likelihood going to be greater that the twins will be with Stacy than with OP?"
"Furthermore, since Stacy has primary custody of the twins and has them the majority of the time, I would expect her to have more resources at her disposal as far as childcare for emergency situations than OP who gets them two days out of the week.
"Also, in reviewing the comments, I see that the reason OP can only see them on the weekends is because he works 12 hour shifts Monday through Friday. I'm surprised OP is still moving by the end of the week and yet OP is able and willing to take on the twins every weekend."
"Where is the break there and yet, per the comments, he somehow found the time to take over responsibility during the week when Stacy needed help. Is this a one-way street? Do we even know exactly how much Stacy does for preplanning?"
"I do not think OP should even have to substantiate how 'much' of an emergency it was to be able to be there for his daughter and be present (ACTUALLY present mentally and physically) for the birth of his grandchild."
"I don't know what Stacy had going on that weekend, but I don't think it can compare unless she also had some kind of medical emergency to be present for in the hospital. In that case, they could have made it a family affair!"
"Otherwise, Stacy should have just stepped it up in this case, been glad OP was being there for his other daughter going through labor, and expect the same treatment if the roles were reversed."
"OP should not have had to find childcare while trying to be present for his daughter who really needed him at the time. We don't even know what Stacy was doing, but I am sure she was in a much better position to line up childcare than he was in a hospital."
"If she had to pay for childcare, then ask OP to pay and I am sure he would have done so if that was the problem. Even if there was a problem with childcare and no one was available, were the twins just at home (Stacy's house) or something?"
"What's the difference between OP taking them to sit in a waiting room versus them sitting at Stacy's house where they have access to whatever they have at home as opposed to being bored out of their minds in a hospital waiting room because mom believes that dad needs to deal with it because Stacy takes the mom hat off on the weekends."
"I'm sorry princess… do you have big weekend plans that were spoiled by OP wanting to be there for his other daughter who is IN the hospital, having a baby (the first grandchild), and anything could go wrong?"
"You always hear how moms joke about not remembering what it is like to be able to use the bathroom in peace after having kids and yet this woman apparently just stops being mom on every weekend."
"Finally, to those who are upset that OP turned his phone off, can you honestly not see why? Telling OP he was choosing his oldest daughter, who legitimately needed him at the time, over his twins sounds like she is weaponizing the children or something"
"If that speaks to how Stacy is in general, I totally understand why OP didn't leave the phone on for her to blow up being all petty while he was trying to actually BE THERE for the daughter that needed him. I wouldn't leave my phone on to deal with that nonsense either!"
"Also, I would love to know how many texts Stacy left during the time OP had silenced the phone. If she had the time to text, she should have had the time to use that emergency childcare plan she has in place for if something comes up for her. You know… unless of course, she doesn't have one and it's just OP."
"OP… if this is typical Stacy behavior and Cindy doesn't mind it, now that the twins are getting older, maybe you all should rethink custody."
"Based on how Stacy acted during this ordeal and seemed to try to twist this from clearly being her problem to you turning your back on the twins and trying to guilt you makes me scared for what the heck mom is saying to the twins all week."
"If this is a typical thing for Stacy, please get them out of that toxic household!" ~ Porgtastic
It would be interesting to hear the twins thoughts on the weekend.
Barring that, it's hard to know what the final fallout will be over this missed visitation.
Hopefully the twins are just happy to have a new niece or nephew and not upset over when the child arrived.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp