Who is financially responsible for the health and welfare of minor children? Are their siblings under 18 ever required to support them?
If one child has money, should the parents take it for another child out of convenience and accessibility?
A teenager feeling betrayed by his family turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
PlentyBluejay273 asked:
"AITA for being the reason my grandparents refuse to help my dad anymore and laughing when he and his wife complained about it?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My mom died when I (16, male) was 7. She left me an inheritance that my dad was put in charge of."
"The money was supposed to be for my future and nobody was supposed to touch it unless I really needed it and it was pretty specific in her will. I read through it 5 months ago when sh*t went down."
"My dad got married again when I was 10 and he has an 8-year-old stepdaughter and now a 4-year-old daughter with his wife 'Louise'."
"My half sister was diagnosed with a rare condition when she was 2. It was always clear something was wrong, but they had a really hard time figuring out what it was."
"Doctors would say she'd be fine when she was older. This condition isn't life threatening, like she won't die from it, but it could potentially leave her permanently disabled in a bad way."
"A few months ago they found out about this hard to get into treatment for it. But it was expensive. There was/are ways to get help paying for it, but that takes longer."
"They could apply for discounts and get on the lists at like charity funds/hospitals. Not that they'd be taking out loans and stuff to pay for it."
"So my dad decided he would use my inheritance money my mom left me to pay for it instead of doing anything to get it paid for. He tried asking me, but he was going to do it anyway and when I said no he told me as much."
"He didn't need my permission because I'm under 18. But he asked for it knowing he would go ahead either way."
"Then he shamed me for saying no, for putting 'college' before the health of my half sister. Louise was in the room with us, but she wasn't talking before I said no."
"She asked me how I could look at my half sister, at the life she will have if we don't do something, and say no. I told my dad I would never forgive him if he took the money."
"After I read her will (grandparents had a copy) I brought up the fact it was only for my needs could it be spent before I was old enough to get it. He told me mom was dead and he hoped she'd understand."
"I told him I never would. He told me I'd understand when I'm older. I told him I hated him and I told Louise she better never speak to me again because I found it disgusting she'd encourage stealing from me and taking my mom's money."
"My mom had specific instructions. It mentioned if I got sick, if I got an amazing opportunity before I turned 18 and it cost money, and it mentioned it could be spent on food/necessities for me if it was needed."
"It could not be spent on his new child or anyone else. She left instructions with it. I read it myself thanks to my grandparents."
"I told my grandparents what dad did. They're my mom's parents, but had stayed friendly with dad and there were times they would help him. They shared stuff with him all the time and grandpa would look at dad's car for free if anything was wrong."
"That all stopped when I told them. Dad couldn't figure out why until he confronted them about it last week. They told him he had some nerve stealing from me, taking their daughter's money and spending it on his child."
"My dad was mad they didn't understand and support his decision. He confronted me about it and complained about what I did."
"I laughed and told him I had warned him I would never forgive him for it. He asked how I got to be so heartless and selfish. I told him I would never forget what he did."
"Dad has already taken the money. So he's not going the longer route with getting her treatment paid for. I think he should have, but what I think doesn't matter and he made that clear to me."
"He never said he'd pay it back. He's lost me. I won't forgive him for doing it."
"I am furious my dad stole from me. That he didn't go the longer route instead of taking money from me. That money was left in mom's will. With instructions on what it was for. For me, for my future."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I'm the reason my dad can't get help from my grandparents anymore and I laughed in his face when he confronted me to complain about it. This whole mess might show I'm the a**hole because of how I'm handling it and responding to everything."
"But then going to my grandparents when I knew what they would say/do might be a whole other low because I know this is serious stuff going on and I'm being bitter."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. That was your money, not your dad's money. It might have been stolen from you in a good cause, but it was stolen from you, and that's illegal."
"Please have your grandparents find you a lawyer. Your dad is going to have to pay you back what he took from you. You don't get to steal from your kid."
"Talk with a lawyer. Get your money back. Your half sister has already benefitted from it, now it's time for your dad to find a way to repay you. Every cent." ~ Nester1953
"I second this. Your dad had zero rights to money designated for you. Please, please, please get a lawyer and sue him. He deserves no less. NTA." ~ agelass
"I third this. Tell your grandparents to talk to some lawyers, OP. They should be able to sue your dad for that money and get it back to you. NTA." ~ Emotional_Fan_7011
"NTA. I feel for your half sister but your dad STOLE from you to take care of HIS child. Your maternal grandparents are rightly PO'd at your dad."
"Would it be possible for you to go live with your maternal grandparents and get away from your dad and his second family?" ~ Comfortable-Sea-2454
"NTA. I STRONGLY SUGGEST listening to this advice and going to live with them, you could ask your maternal grandparents if they would be willing to help you go to court with it so that they could get legal custody of you."
"You're old enough now that majority of the judges would take you seriously if you said you didn't want to live with your dad because he stole the inheritance that your mother left for you before she unfortunately passed away, and I'm sure your grandparents would have no problem being witnesses." ~ Dizzy_Army_936
"Given the will and the way OP's money was STOLEN maybe his GPs can help him file a suit in small claims court once they get custody of OP. There ARE ways that OP's dad could have gotten the money, charities, loans, 2nd mortgage, HELOCs, and the dad CHOSE to steal from his son instead."
"I was attacked by a dog when I was 4 and ended up with over 200 stitches in my face, so my parents sued. I was awarded $10,000 that was originally invested in stocks, and grew to about $19,000 by the time I was 11."
"That was the year my parents ended up selling the stocks and replacing our roof. I was supposed to be paid back when they sold the home. News flash: I wasn't."
"I really wish someone had been there to help me with holding them accountable in some way. NTA, OP." ~ Dewhickey76
"OP, you and your grandparents need to get a lawyer ASAP! The longer you wait, the more likely it is that they will be unable to repay the sum as they sink more and more money into her treatment."
"NTA at all. Your dad had other options with respect to financing, but instead chose to steal your inheritance."
"Make sure you hold him accountable for your own sake and out of respect to your mom who worked hard to ensure that you would be set in the future even if she couldn't be there with you." ~ RogueSlytherin
The OP provided an update.
"Going to see if I can sue him over it. But he's lost me either way. I won't forgive him and he can forget about ever having a relationship with me. I've got less than two years until I'm 18 and I'm gone as soon as I can."
"We're not sure yet if we can legally do anything like sue. Hopefully. But me being under 18 could make it tricky."
"My grandparents are looking into it all for me. They have their lawyers looking at if we have any options."
As many pointed out, this father had lots of other options available to pay for his daughter's treatment.
It was simply faster and more convenient—while requiring no sacrifices or financial responsibility—for him to steal his son's inheritance.
While the ends justify the means in his mind, the internet disagreed.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp