Divorce can be a very unpleasant experience.
Amicable divorces exist, but less-than-friendly ones are more common.
When children are involved, things can become competitive. One or both parents may want the upper hand with their children.
Kids caught in the middle often grow up knowing their parents’ love comes with conditions.
A daughter turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her divorced father’s conditional love.
Parking_Society6027 asked:
“AITA for refusing to ‘honor’ my dad’s wishes?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (25, female) have been caught in the middle of my parents’ messy divorce for years. My dad claims my mom cheated, but there’s no evidence, and my mom denies it.”
“Honestly, their marriage was extremely incompatible, and it was bound to end sooner or later.”
“My dad took the divorce really badly, and my younger sister and I have always tried to be compassionate and understanding.”
“However, after the divorce, he imposed this rule: we are never to meet or interact with any potential partner of my mom’s. He made it clear that he doesn’t want anyone else ‘taking the role of dad’.”
“We disagreed, but went along with it to keep the peace. However, during a recent conversation, he told me he expects us to follow this rule for the rest of his life.”
“I was dumbfounded. I asked, ‘Even when I’m 40, married, and with kids of my own, am I still not allowed to meet someone my mom has been with for years if he makes her happy?’.”
“He said yes. He then added that if I did, I’d ‘stop being his daughter’, and he would cut me out of his life entirely.”
“I think his fear stems from feeling replaced, which I understood when we were younger. But at this stage in our lives, it feels absurd. It’s not like a new partner would ‘raise’ us—we’re adults now.”
“I told him I’m not willing to follow this rule forever, and if he chooses to cut me off for that, it will be his decision, not mine. He called it a lack of principles and insisted I would be the one responsible for ending our relationship.”
“I asked him if the rule also applied to him, and he said he would never introduce us to his partner or even tell us.”
“I think this rule is controlling and unfair, and I refuse to let it dictate my life any longer, but I also don’t want to lose my dad.”
“AITA for standing my ground?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my dad that I refuse to follow his rule of never meeting my mom’s partner and that if he chooses to cut me off for it, that’s his decision. He called it a lack of principles and said I would be the one responsible for ending our relationship.”
“I might be the a**hole because I know this hurts him, and I could technically continue following his rule to keep the peace.”
“But I also feel like his demand is unfair and controlling.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Your dad is being a child. I can see why your mom divorced him. NTA.” ~ TheVoiceofReason_ish
“NTA. Your dad needs professional help.” ~ timdr18
“Bet you’re seeing why your mom left him. He’s actually been using you to control her. So yes ignore him. By the way, I’m betting the cheating accusation was him projecting.”
“Either he was cheating or he had wanted to. Therefore, if this is how he acts/feels his (then) partner must be doing the same.” ~ ApprehensiveBook4214
“That’s what happened when my parents divorced. He told everyone he caught her cheating when he was the one slipping away in the middle of the night and coming back a few hours later.”
“A few years later, he accidentally admitted to me he was seeing someone while married to Mom. His face when I told him I already knew about that was priceless.”
“I happen to be a light sleeper and I knew when he would leave.” ~ Objective_Drawer_764
“I’d gift him an ‘experience gift’ for his next birthday: a therapy session, where you and your sibling spell it out to him, that he REALLY needs to get over the divorce, and get some sense of reality. NTA.” ~ Special_Lychee_6847
“Your dad really needs to be in control, huh.”
“Starting to see why your mom divorced him.”
“AND why he’d tell you that it was because she cheated. NTA.” ~ FeuerroteZora
“The way he’s trying to manipulate and control you even now that you’re an adult makes me think maybe he’s lied about your mom this entire time.”
“You say there’s no evidence of her cheating, so is it possible that this is just another way for your dad to pretend that he’s the ‘good guy’ and your mom is at fault?”
“Does your dad take any responsibility for anything he does or does he expect you to obey his commands like a good little girl?”
“Honestly, he sounds both exhausting and horrible. You are NTA.” ~ Wackadoodle-do
“He doesn’t want to lose you as his daughter, so if you meet a partner of your mom’s he’ll—checks notes—cut you out of his life and lose you as his daughter.”
“Make it make sense. NTA.” ~ embopbopbopdoowop
“NTA. This rule of his is both unreasonable and impossible. This is basically asking you and your sister to cut off contact with your mom.” ~ DJ_Too_Supreme_AITA
“My parents got divorced when i was 14. My father did exactly this: rules after rules, demands after demands.”
“My mom’s new partner was not to visit at her house. Or to meet us. We were not allowed to tell anyone anything about him. When moving away, he didn’t want to meet if I stayed at my mom’s place.”
“And so on.”
“I finally stopped talking to him with about 26. Definitely fit the best.”
“Put your foot down now. This behaviour will not stop by itself. If he escalates, it’s his choice, but placating him only delays what will happen either way.” ~ Deadly_nightshadow
“NTA…. was the actual reason for your parents’ divorce because he was too controlling and he just lied about the infidelity?” ~ IWouldBeGroot
“A lot of people refuse to believe that their partner chose to leave them because of their behaviour or other factors that are actually about them/the relationship, so instead they choose to believe that the other person had to be cheating on them because otherwise ‘Why would they leave?’. NTA.” ~ AfterismQueen
“You’re an adult, and you have the right to build your own relationships. It’s unfair for him to dictate who you can and cannot see based on his own insecurities.” ~ Amberhaveen
“NTA. Your dad is making YOU responsible for his feelings where your mom is concerned. He is telling you to pick one parent over the other.”
“Children, even adult children, should NEVER be put in the middle of their parents’ issues.” ~ Malphas43
“NTA. Your father needs therapy. I’m also seeing why the marriage broke up, if he’s this easy with harsh ultimatums.”
“You are in a difficult spot. Right now, it might not matter, if your mom isn’t seeing someone.”
“But he sounds like the sort that, even if your mom had a male friend, would take that as ‘seeing someone’ and cut you out.” ~ Available-Love7940
“NTA—that rule is absurd! Your dad is trying to use you as a proxy to maintain control over your mom.”
“A year after my dad died my mom found a new boyfriend. She has been so happy with him for years and he will never be my dad or anything really but a nice old guy, but I welcome him (as do ALL my siblings and the grandchildren) as he makes her happy.”
“I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that is not something you will ‘honor’ and he can make whatever decision he wishes. Poor you. Poor mom.” ~ 2moms3grls
“NTA. You are spot on that it is his choice, not yours. Don’t let him control you. If he cuts you off that is on him.” ~ ACorania
“Well, you can see why your parents got divorced with these claims.”
“No emotional maturity, and no understanding of how things work.”
“I hope you’ve gotten some therapy to manage these bizarre elements of your upbringing. NTA.” ~ Kebar8
“NTA, but you may not have the choice to refuse his dictate and keep a relationship with him. You can’t really control what he does (just as he cannot control what you do.) Choose the path that seems right to you.”
“I will say, though, that you don’t necessarily need to have this argument in the abstract right now, unless your mom currently is seeing someone she wants you to meet. You can wait until the situation presents itself and then make the choice that seems right to you at that time.”
“I don’t mean not to think about it; I just mean arguing with your dad about something that might come up a decade from now may cause you a lot of years of borrowed grief, and you could skip that part if you want.” ~ EsmeWeatherwax7a
“NTA. It’s just a way for your dad to still feel in control of your mum’s life. Unfortunately, you’re stuck in the middle. I’d start creating boundaries now, not wait until your future children are around to get caught in the middle too.” ~ Reddit
Ultimatums rarely are the right answer. No one likes to be threatened or manipulated.
Hopefully OP’s father can get the help he needs before he destroys another relationship in his life.