Grief is difficult.
And living with phobias can be exhausting.
But when those elements collide, it can feel insurmountable.
A lack of understanding from those closest to us can cause deep rifts in relationships.
Case in point...
Redditor RevolutionaryIdea203 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my sister if she doesn't go to the funeral due to her fear of dead people she will blow up all her relationships?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My sister and I are pretty close, and we were friends with Kat."
"Kat recently passed away, and her funeral viewing is this weekend."
"My sister, Sammy, has a fear of the dead. "
"She strongly believes in ghosts and even has trouble with any meat due to her beliefs."
"I called her up and told her I could pick her up to go on Saturday since I knew she was having car trouble."
"She informed me she will not be going."
"I asked why, and she told me she couldn't be around a ghost."
"I asked if she was joking and told her she could just stand in the back, but everyone is expecting her to go."
"We are close friends with the family."
"I told her she needs to go, or she will blow up all her relationships, including me."
"She said that won't happen, and I told her that the family will never forgive her, and I don't think I will either since we have known Kat for years."
"She hung up, and I got a call from my mom for making her cry and being a jerk for telling her what will happen if she didn't go."
The OP was left to wonder,
"So, am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was the a**hole.
"Yeah, YTA. Regardless of how ridiculous her fear is, it's not your place to decide what she does and does not attend."
"She doesn't want to go, so you threaten her relationship with you?"
"You're going to stop talking to your sister because she didn't attend a friend's funeral?"
"Sounds like she's not losing much, to be honest."
"She can pay her respects in a way she is comfortable and doesn't have to attend the funeral to appease you."
"If people are willing to 'blow up their relationship' over this, they weren't people worth knowing anyway." ~ HeirOfRavenclaw
"Irrational fears are just that, irrational."
"You can't make someone stop being terrified by yelling at them about what they are supposed to do."
"And what is a funeral for?"
'To give comfort to the family, to share grief, to come together in support."
"Forcing people who don't want to be there to come does none of these things." ~ Botryoid2000
"That's not the concern here, though. The concern is the deceased family potentially taking offense to OP's sister's absence and those relationships suffering."
"Of course, it's all personal, and people should be able to grieve in a way that's good for them."
"It doesn't change the fact that not showing up can make the surviving family feel like the person or 'friends' simply didn't care enough."
"OP's sister shouldn't go if she doesn't feel like she can."
"But she should reach out to the family to express condolences and let them know she won't make it due to her reasons." ~ DueCherry2134
"I have an uncle who doesn't do funerals."
"The closest he will get is the funeral home parking lot during the wake."
"He grieves in his own way, and nobody has ever given him a hard time for that."
"I can't remember if he was at my grandfather's funeral - it was 34 years ago - but I'm pretty sure he wasn't at my grandmother's or either of his brothers'."
"And everybody is fine with that." ~ Kathony4ever
"I'm terrified of snakes to the point of it being irrational."
'If someone yelled at me to make me get over my fear, my fear would still be there."
"Try to force me to a snake exhibit?"
"Threaten our relationship because I won't go? Yikes on bikes."
"My parents could both die tomorrow, and if you told me I had to go to the funeral but the caskets would have snakes on them... I'm staying hoooome!"
"Grieving party on my couch sounds better."
"Image bringing someone so terrified of death to a funeral."
"What if she has a panic attack, can't handle things, and accidentally makes people who are grieving focus on her???"
"Someone very close to me died last year. I can't imagine someone being so terrified of death being dragged to the funeral just to appease others."
"I would want that person to stay home and not make the day harder than it needed to be."
"At the end of the day, the dead person is dead, whether you show up or not; they are still dead."
"The dead wouldn't want people to put themselves in bad situations just because they're dead."
"And 'Oh she didn't come. Funerals and dead bodies are something she can't handle right now. She just needed to be alone today.'"
"Sounds a lot better than 'Oh, sorry she freaked out and is distracting everyone from their own grief. I forced and threatened her to come here because it's what I believe is right.'"
"OP, apologize to your sister."
"Her irrational fear may be a bit annoying to you at the moment."
"But it's her fear to struggle with, don't make it worse for her."
"And honestly, try to help her."
"Talk to her about seeing someone about this, but for her own sake."
"Death can happen to anyone at any time, and the more that she doesn't deal with the fear, the harder it will be to deal with death when needed."
"Maybe it will lead to having a difficult time grieving, which is already a super hard thing to go through."
"So take care of yourself, but don't make your sister feel worse than she already is."
"That won't help anyone. YTA." ~ Global_Fig_6385
"Agree YTA. Funerals are f**king weird."
"The ritual of viewing a dead body doesn't make sense to everyone, and it's pretty understandable that it makes some uncomfortable."
"Many funerals separate the viewing from the ceremony part because this is so understood."
"Not everyone wants to grieve publicly."
"Leave your sister alone." ~ movegmama
"YTA. Funerals are supposed to bring comfort to those who were close to the deceased, not the other way around."
"Your sister has a phobia, a medical condition."
"Forcing her to go will only hurt her, someone who is already hurting after losing a friend."
"She's not going to bring any comfort to the family either if she has a breakdown at the funeral."
"A lot of people aren't mentally able to attend funerals for their loved ones."
"It doesn't mean they love them any less."
"If you really want to support your sister, you could encourage her (kindly, and gently) to seek professional help with her phobia." ~ XianglingBeyBlade
"Exactly this. The funeral is not for whomever passed but more for those who cared about them to celebrate their life or have closure."
"It's not mandatory to attend, and a person should never be given an ultimatum to be there."
"There are plenty of people who can't handle funerals due to personal reasons, and that should be respected. YTA." ~ LuLuSavannah531
"I'm going to assume, based on your dismissive attitude, that you'd also not forgive her if she attended and ended up having a panic attack, meltdown or create any kind of scene because of her phobia."
"So she really can't win here, can she?"
"Hopefully, her other friends/family will be more empathetic than you. YTA." ~ RavenTwinklefoot
"That's the thing like she clearly needs therapy to get over (or at least help manage) her phobia as this is definitely one that can have an impact on your daily life and progress even worse (what if it devolves into her realizing dead bodies are not just buried in cemeteries and suddenly she cannot leave her house, etc)."
"But a funeral is not going to help her at all and could even make it worse and affect all those in attendance." ~ I-hear-the-coast
"YTA. If somebody I care about doesn't go to the funeral of a person I care about, I would not mind."
"Perhaps her fear is silly, but I would never force somebody to do something they are deeply fearful of."
"She won't blow up all her relationships."
"Only with the people who don't try to understand her." ~ HypersomnicHysteric
"YTA. Everyone grieves differently, and many people don't go to a funeral for numerous reasons."
"Sometimes because they are in shock or denial and going to the funeral makes the whole thing more real and more painful than they can handle in that moment."
"Especially if they were really close to the person who died."
"Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Kat knew how Sammy felt about her."
"What do you think Kat would say if she knew you were trying to bully Sammy into going to a thing that would be scary and traumatic?"
"I'm going to guess that this is just your grief coming out."
"That you know Sammy will love you no matter what, so you feel like it's okay to lash out her with the anger you can't lash out at Kat for."
"It's okay to be mad that Kat is gone."
"And sometimes it's easier to focus on smaller upsets like Sammy not going to the funeral than it is to have to really look at the big thing that's upsetting us."
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"Please let Sammy grieve in the way they feel is best for them."
"There will be plenty of others who will be at the funeral to grieve with you in that way." ~ Wonderful_Ad_6089
Well, OP, Reddit has some issues with your response to your sister.
She clearly has some personal concerns to work through.
Attending a loved one's funeral may not be the best way to cope.
You focus on what's best for you.
And she'll do the same for her.
So sorry for your loss.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp