in , ,

Redditor Livid After Sister With Fear Of Dead People Refuses To Attend Close Friend’s Funeral

Woman crouching down in despair with head on her knees

Grief is difficult.

And living with phobias can be exhausting.

But when those elements collide, it can feel insurmountable.

A lack of understanding from those closest to us can cause deep rifts in relationships.

Case in point…

Redditor RevolutionaryIdea203 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

They asked:

“AITA for telling my sister if she doesn’t go to the funeral due to her fear of dead people she will blow up all her relationships?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“My sister and I are pretty close, and we were friends with Kat.”

“Kat recently passed away, and her funeral viewing is this weekend.”

“My sister, Sammy, has a fear of the dead. “

“She strongly believes in ghosts and even has trouble with any meat due to her beliefs.”

“I called her up and told her I could pick her up to go on Saturday since I knew she was having car trouble.”

“She informed me she will not be going.”

“I asked why, and she told me she couldn’t be around a ghost.”

“I asked if she was joking and told her she could just stand in the back, but everyone is expecting her to go.”

“We are close friends with the family.”

“I told her she needs to go, or she will blow up all her relationships, including me.”

“She said that won’t happen, and I told her that the family will never forgive her, and I don’t think I will either since we have known Kat for years.”

“She hung up, and I got a call from my mom for making her cry and being a jerk for telling her what will happen if she didn’t go.”

The OP was left to wonder,

“So, am I the a**hole?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was the a**hole.

“Yeah, YTA. Regardless of how ridiculous her fear is, it’s not your place to decide what she does and does not attend.”

“She doesn’t want to go, so you threaten her relationship with you?”

“You’re going to stop talking to your sister because she didn’t attend a friend’s funeral?”

“Sounds like she’s not losing much, to be honest.”

“She can pay her respects in a way she is comfortable and doesn’t have to attend the funeral to appease you.”

“If people are willing to ‘blow up their relationship’ over this, they weren’t people worth knowing anyway.” ~ HeirOfRavenclaw

“Irrational fears are just that, irrational.”

“You can’t make someone stop being terrified by yelling at them about what they are supposed to do.”

“And what is a funeral for?”

‘To give comfort to the family, to share grief, to come together in support.”

“Forcing people who don’t want to be there to come does none of these things.” ~ Botryoid2000

“That’s not the concern here, though. The concern is the deceased family potentially taking offense to OP’s sister’s absence and those relationships suffering.”

“Of course, it’s all personal, and people should be able to grieve in a way that’s good for them.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that not showing up can make the surviving family feel like the person or ‘friends’ simply didn’t care enough.”

“OP’s sister shouldn’t go if she doesn’t feel like she can.”

“But she should reach out to the family to express condolences and let them know she won’t make it due to her reasons.” ~ DueCherry2134

“I have an uncle who doesn’t do funerals.”

“The closest he will get is the funeral home parking lot during the wake.”

“He grieves in his own way, and nobody has ever given him a hard time for that.”

“I can’t remember if he was at my grandfather’s funeral – it was 34 years ago – but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t at my grandmother’s or either of his brothers’.”

“And everybody is fine with that.” ~ Kathony4ever

“I’m terrified of snakes to the point of it being irrational.”

‘If someone yelled at me to make me get over my fear, my fear would still be there.”

“Try to force me to a snake exhibit?”

“Threaten our relationship because I won’t go? Yikes on bikes.”

“My parents could both die tomorrow, and if you told me I had to go to the funeral but the caskets would have snakes on them… I’m staying hoooome!”

“Grieving party on my couch sounds better.”

“Image bringing someone so terrified of death to a funeral.”

“What if she has a panic attack, can’t handle things, and accidentally makes people who are grieving focus on her???”

“Someone very close to me died last year. I can’t imagine someone being so terrified of death being dragged to the funeral just to appease others.”

“I would want that person to stay home and not make the day harder than it needed to be.”

“At the end of the day, the dead person is dead, whether you show up or not; they are still dead.”

“The dead wouldn’t want people to put themselves in bad situations just because they’re dead.”

“And ‘Oh she didn’t come. Funerals and dead bodies are something she can’t handle right now. She just needed to be alone today.'”

“Sounds a lot better than ‘Oh, sorry she freaked out and is distracting everyone from their own grief. I forced and threatened her to come here because it’s what I believe is right.'”

“OP, apologize to your sister.”

“Her irrational fear may be a bit annoying to you at the moment.”

“But it’s her fear to struggle with, don’t make it worse for her.”

“And honestly, try to help her.”

“Talk to her about seeing someone about this, but for her own sake.”

“Death can happen to anyone at any time, and the more that she doesn’t deal with the fear, the harder it will be to deal with death when needed.”

“Maybe it will lead to having a difficult time grieving, which is already a super hard thing to go through.”

“So take care of yourself, but don’t make your sister feel worse than she already is.”

“That won’t help anyone. YTA.” ~ Global_Fig_6385

“Agree YTA. Funerals are f**king weird.”

“The ritual of viewing a dead body doesn’t make sense to everyone, and it’s pretty understandable that it makes some uncomfortable.”

“Many funerals separate the viewing from the ceremony part because this is so understood.”

“Not everyone wants to grieve publicly.”

“Leave your sister alone.” ~ movegmama

“YTA. Funerals are supposed to bring comfort to those who were close to the deceased, not the other way around.”

“Your sister has a phobia, a medical condition.”

“Forcing her to go will only hurt her, someone who is already hurting after losing a friend.”

“She’s not going to bring any comfort to the family either if she has a breakdown at the funeral.”

“A lot of people aren’t mentally able to attend funerals for their loved ones.”

“It doesn’t mean they love them any less.”

“If you really want to support your sister, you could encourage her (kindly, and gently) to seek professional help with her phobia.” ~ XianglingBeyBlade

“Exactly this. The funeral is not for whomever passed but more for those who cared about them to celebrate their life or have closure.”

“It’s not mandatory to attend, and a person should never be given an ultimatum to be there.”

“There are plenty of people who can’t handle funerals due to personal reasons, and that should be respected. YTA.” ~ LuLuSavannah531

“I’m going to assume, based on your dismissive attitude, that you’d also not forgive her if she attended and ended up having a panic attack, meltdown or create any kind of scene because of her phobia.”

“So she really can’t win here, can she?”

“Hopefully, her other friends/family will be more empathetic than you. YTA.” ~ RavenTwinklefoot

“That’s the thing like she clearly needs therapy to get over (or at least help manage) her phobia as this is definitely one that can have an impact on your daily life and progress even worse (what if it devolves into her realizing dead bodies are not just buried in cemeteries and suddenly she cannot leave her house, etc).”

“But a funeral is not going to help her at all and could even make it worse and affect all those in attendance.” ~ I-hear-the-coast

“YTA. If somebody I care about doesn’t go to the funeral of a person I care about, I would not mind.”

“Perhaps her fear is silly, but I would never force somebody to do something they are deeply fearful of.”

“She won’t blow up all her relationships.”

“Only with the people who don’t try to understand her.” ~ HypersomnicHysteric

“YTA. Everyone grieves differently, and many people don’t go to a funeral for numerous reasons.”

“Sometimes because they are in shock or denial and going to the funeral makes the whole thing more real and more painful than they can handle in that moment.”

“Especially if they were really close to the person who died.”

“Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Kat knew how Sammy felt about her.”

“What do you think Kat would say if she knew you were trying to bully Sammy into going to a thing that would be scary and traumatic?”

“I’m going to guess that this is just your grief coming out.”

“That you know Sammy will love you no matter what, so you feel like it’s okay to lash out her with the anger you can’t lash out at Kat for.”

“It’s okay to be mad that Kat is gone.”

“And sometimes it’s easier to focus on smaller upsets like Sammy not going to the funeral than it is to have to really look at the big thing that’s upsetting us.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Please let Sammy grieve in the way they feel is best for them.”

“There will be plenty of others who will be at the funeral to grieve with you in that way.” ~ Wonderful_Ad_6089

Well, OP, Reddit has some issues with your response to your sister.

She clearly has some personal concerns to work through.

Attending a loved one’s funeral may not be the best way to cope.

You focus on what’s best for you.

And she’ll do the same for her.

So sorry for your loss.