Expectations for marriages are so important to discuss before the big day.
It doesn’t have to be first-date material, but you should get to it sooner than later.
Especially when it comes to careers, finances, and family planning.
Those topics can often be dealbreakers.
Case in point…
Redditor throwawaygirlie2003 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my (20 F[eamle]) fiancé (24 M[ale]) that he needs to stop ridiculing my degree?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Hi everybody (((:”“I (20 F) and my fiancé (24 M) will get married next year in the summer, and I’m very much looking forward to this.”
“We have our issues, but then again, which couple doesn’t, right?”
“However, lately, he has been ridiculing my studies and the degree I’m getting.”
“I’m studying in the Netherlands, and he lives in Denmark, so we will close the distance next year after the wedding.”
“I’m currently in the last year of my bachelor’s degree in biomedical sciences.”
“I would argue (but of course, I’m biased) that this is a very intensive study and requires a lot of time and effort.”
“Sometimes, when I complain about this, he says that my degree doesn’t matter and that I would be better off quitting anyway.”
“The reason why he says this is because we would like to have a marriage with more traditional gender roles once we are married.”
“So he will earn the money and I will become a S[tay] A[t] H[ome] M[om].”
“I don’t have a problem with this, but I would like to have a degree to fall back on during tough times.”
“Whenever I try to make this argument, he shuts it down immediately and claims that I would be better off just quitting my studies and becoming a housewife already.”
“Since once we are married I will never use my degree anyway.”
“I would not mind working e.g. two times a week, but he is strongly opposed to this as he claims that it would interfere with my tasks and chores in our marriage.”
“He is currently still in carpentry school, which consists of him having several months of work followed by weeks of school, both of which he gets paid for.”
“Not only does he dismiss the difficulty of my degree, but he also claims that the work he is doing is much harder.”
“I can’t disagree with him, because, physically speaking it is definitely much more intensive, but I would like for him to acknowledge that my degree is also time-consuming and difficult.”
“Recently he made a joke about what a waste of time it was, me getting my degree when I should be in Denmark and making him dinner instead since that would be more fulfilling for both him and me.”
“I know I should not let these harmless jokes get under my skin, but I lashed out at him and told him he needed to stop ridiculing my academic achievements and dismissing all of it so easily.”
“Since it might come in handy at some point in the future.”
“He then quite seriously told me (again) that I shouldn’t take everything so personally and that he was speaking the truth since I will not use my degree once we are married so it is a waste of time and money.”
“Then somehow he spun it around and told me that I was not appreciative enough of him wanting to provide for me and our future family.”
“And that if I wanted to be a ‘girlboss’, I would be free to do so on my own.”
“So now I’m wondering if I did make a mistake by telling him to stop ridiculing my degree and if I somehow hurt him by appearing ungrateful.”
The OP was left to wonder,
“So, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole, but not for the reason they asked.
“No, you are making a mistake for planning to marry somebody that doesn’t respect you.”
“Who won’t ‘let’ you use your ‘worthless’ degree, even for a part-time job?”
“Who will mentally wear you down to nothing.”
“YTA to yourself.”
“He has told you what life being married to him will be like. Believe him.” ~ YouthNAsia63
“Traditional gender roles are one thing, but that only works if you equally respect each other’s roles in the marriage and support any deviations that may come up and agree on contingencies in case of future issues.”
“Carpentry is very labor intensive.”
“What happens if he gets injured and can’t work?”
“What if the injury is from a car accident, so he doesn’t get workman’s comp?”
“What is his plan then?”
“A good future spouse should want you to be in a position to support yourself if something bad were to happen.”
“The best way for you to do that is to get your education.”
“Plus, if you work a couple days a week, you could use that money to have more wiggle room financially.”
“It could go into an emergency fund, it could be your fun money, it could be vacation money, retirement, heck, future kid’s college funds.”
“Whatever OP does, she needs to make sure she has her own savings without his name on them.” ~ Malphas43
“He is already chipping away at her self-confidence.”
“When that is complete, she won’t feel good enough about herself to do anything outside the home.”
“I would fear how he would treat female children.”
“Are they going to be told that educating them is a waste?”
“Also, their kids will model their own relationships after their parent’s relationship.”
“So those kids will learn that talking down to mom and devaluing her and her accomplishments of how you treat women.”
“She will be essentially teaching her kids to either degrade their partners if they are male or that they deserve to be degraded by males and they are of less value if they are female.”
“I’m all for traditional roles if that is what someone wants, but I do think they need to examine whether it is traditional in duties or traditional in devaluing one person.” ~ holisarcasm
“You are doing yourself a great deal of disservice.”
“He is going to belittle and disrespect you.”
“This is definitely not a joke.”
“It’s exactly what he thinks about you.”
“And are you sure you want to marry at 21 and let this hard work you put in getting a degree be worthless?”
“You need to really think if this is how you envision your life to be.”
“He may be doing a lot of physical work, but mentally you are also putting in a lot of effort which is exhausting and tiresome.”
“I would say RUN!!”
“But it’s you who needs to think with a clear head, putting aside your feelings.” ~ toothlessam_92
“I rarely go ‘run away’ out loud, but like… Girl.”
“Run and then run some more; do not let him dictate anything; do not become dependent on him.”
“Are you planning on living in Denmark?”
“Him keeping you both housed, clothed, fed etc. on a carpenter’s pay, in something that’s not in the middle of nowhere is completely unrealistic.”
“Do NOT let him trap you. You’re worth more than withering away on a field in Jutland, with atrocious public transportation and whatnot.”
“Demand more!” ~ FimbrethilHoney
“There are alarm bells ringing all over what you wrote.”
“He sounds overly controlling and dismissive of your efforts/achievements/goals.”
“NTA… please think more about this before throwing away your future career.” ~ Spare-Article-396
“This is so over the top that I’m having trouble believing this is real.”
“He’s so belittling.”
“Does carpentry really pay better than biotech in the Netherlands?”
“If so, I’d move to the States because it sounds like the Netherlands is set to go into terminal decline.”
“Unless he’s somehow a (non-physical) business genius and will end up running a large carpentry business.”
“My wife is a SAHM.”
“She had always worked, but when we moved she was pregnant, all our stuff burned up in a fire, and settling that out, combined with trying to find a job while pregnant — she just never worked again.”
“Of course, by then, she was bringing in $60K/year in investment dividends.”
“She is an investor, so this has grown to $160K/year now.”
“But, I’m not belittling her degree (business) nor her abilities (witness the dividend income).”
“Your husband doesn’t seem to value intellectual education so, your kids might not get any encouragement there either.”
“There’s nothing wrong with trades, in fact, they are way under-served right now, but he seems to undervalue fields that involve more mental labor.”
“My guess is he’s very insecure, probably that you are in fact smarter than him and/or could out-earn him, thereby threatening his manhood.”
“Then he threatens you with you maybe ‘Would be free to do so on my own.'”
“Maybe take him up on that! NTA.” ~ blarryg
“Also, I’m pretty sure that your degree will earn you more money than what he would be making when he is fully certified.”
“Which is one of the reasons why he doesn’t want you to finish your studies.”
“NTA, definitely get your degree and definitely find yourself a man who will celebrate your achievements instead of berating and making you feel bad for your goals just because they don’t align with his.” ~ OutcomeSecure9501
“Was just reading some stats (UK based not sure about the rest of the world) about the number of young people who are in controlling/coercive relationships without being aware of it – the numbers are shocking.”
“And there are just so many red flags in this post!”
NTA.” ~ Advanced_Race4071
“This 100%. You are planning on marrying someone who doesn’t respect you.”
“YTA… you don’t respect yourself enough.”
“People treat you how you allow them to treat you.” ~ Dturmnd1
Well, OP, Reddit has a lot to say about this situation.
It seems like a ton of people don’t want you to be the a**hole to yourself.
It also sounds like a little couple’s counseling could be in order.
You have a lot to consider moving forward.
Good luck.