Expectations for marriages are so important to discuss before the big day.
It doesn't have to be first-date material, but you should get to it sooner than later.
Especially when it comes to careers, finances, and family planning.
Those topics can often be dealbreakers.
Case in point...
Redditor throwawaygirlie2003 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my (20 F[eamle]) fiancé (24 M[ale]) that he needs to stop ridiculing my degree?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi everybody (((:""I (20 F) and my fiancé (24 M) will get married next year in the summer, and I'm very much looking forward to this."
"We have our issues, but then again, which couple doesn't, right?"
"However, lately, he has been ridiculing my studies and the degree I'm getting."
"I'm studying in the Netherlands, and he lives in Denmark, so we will close the distance next year after the wedding."
"I'm currently in the last year of my bachelor's degree in biomedical sciences."
"I would argue (but of course, I'm biased) that this is a very intensive study and requires a lot of time and effort."
"Sometimes, when I complain about this, he says that my degree doesn't matter and that I would be better off quitting anyway."
"The reason why he says this is because we would like to have a marriage with more traditional gender roles once we are married."
"So he will earn the money and I will become a S[tay] A[t] H[ome] M[om]."
"I don't have a problem with this, but I would like to have a degree to fall back on during tough times."
"Whenever I try to make this argument, he shuts it down immediately and claims that I would be better off just quitting my studies and becoming a housewife already."
"Since once we are married I will never use my degree anyway."
"I would not mind working e.g. two times a week, but he is strongly opposed to this as he claims that it would interfere with my tasks and chores in our marriage."
"He is currently still in carpentry school, which consists of him having several months of work followed by weeks of school, both of which he gets paid for."
"Not only does he dismiss the difficulty of my degree, but he also claims that the work he is doing is much harder."
"I can't disagree with him, because, physically speaking it is definitely much more intensive, but I would like for him to acknowledge that my degree is also time-consuming and difficult."
"Recently he made a joke about what a waste of time it was, me getting my degree when I should be in Denmark and making him dinner instead since that would be more fulfilling for both him and me."
"I know I should not let these harmless jokes get under my skin, but I lashed out at him and told him he needed to stop ridiculing my academic achievements and dismissing all of it so easily."
"Since it might come in handy at some point in the future."
"He then quite seriously told me (again) that I shouldn't take everything so personally and that he was speaking the truth since I will not use my degree once we are married so it is a waste of time and money."
"Then somehow he spun it around and told me that I was not appreciative enough of him wanting to provide for me and our future family."
"And that if I wanted to be a 'girlboss', I would be free to do so on my own."
"So now I'm wondering if I did make a mistake by telling him to stop ridiculing my degree and if I somehow hurt him by appearing ungrateful."
The OP was left to wonder,
"So, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole, but not for the reason they asked.
"No, you are making a mistake for planning to marry somebody that doesn't respect you."
"Who won't 'let' you use your 'worthless' degree, even for a part-time job?"
"Who will mentally wear you down to nothing."
"YTA to yourself."
"He has told you what life being married to him will be like. Believe him." ~ YouthNAsia63
"Traditional gender roles are one thing, but that only works if you equally respect each other's roles in the marriage and support any deviations that may come up and agree on contingencies in case of future issues."
"Carpentry is very labor intensive."
"What happens if he gets injured and can't work?"
"What if the injury is from a car accident, so he doesn't get workman's comp?"
"What is his plan then?"
"A good future spouse should want you to be in a position to support yourself if something bad were to happen."
"The best way for you to do that is to get your education."
"Plus, if you work a couple days a week, you could use that money to have more wiggle room financially."
"It could go into an emergency fund, it could be your fun money, it could be vacation money, retirement, heck, future kid's college funds."
"Whatever OP does, she needs to make sure she has her own savings without his name on them." ~ Malphas43
"He is already chipping away at her self-confidence."
"When that is complete, she won't feel good enough about herself to do anything outside the home."
"I would fear how he would treat female children."
"Are they going to be told that educating them is a waste?"
"Also, their kids will model their own relationships after their parent's relationship."
"So those kids will learn that talking down to mom and devaluing her and her accomplishments of how you treat women."
"She will be essentially teaching her kids to either degrade their partners if they are male or that they deserve to be degraded by males and they are of less value if they are female."
"I'm all for traditional roles if that is what someone wants, but I do think they need to examine whether it is traditional in duties or traditional in devaluing one person." ~ holisarcasm
"You are doing yourself a great deal of disservice."
"He is going to belittle and disrespect you."
"This is definitely not a joke."
"It's exactly what he thinks about you."
"And are you sure you want to marry at 21 and let this hard work you put in getting a degree be worthless?"
"You need to really think if this is how you envision your life to be."
"He may be doing a lot of physical work, but mentally you are also putting in a lot of effort which is exhausting and tiresome."
"I would say RUN!!"
"But it's you who needs to think with a clear head, putting aside your feelings." ~ toothlessam_92
"I rarely go 'run away' out loud, but like... Girl."
"Run and then run some more; do not let him dictate anything; do not become dependent on him."
"Are you planning on living in Denmark?"
"Him keeping you both housed, clothed, fed etc. on a carpenter's pay, in something that's not in the middle of nowhere is completely unrealistic."
"Do NOT let him trap you. You're worth more than withering away on a field in Jutland, with atrocious public transportation and whatnot."
"Demand more!" ~ FimbrethilHoney
"There are alarm bells ringing all over what you wrote."
"He sounds overly controlling and dismissive of your efforts/achievements/goals."
"NTA... please think more about this before throwing away your future career." ~ Spare-Article-396
"This is so over the top that I'm having trouble believing this is real."
"He's so belittling."
"Does carpentry really pay better than biotech in the Netherlands?"
"If so, I'd move to the States because it sounds like the Netherlands is set to go into terminal decline."
"Unless he's somehow a (non-physical) business genius and will end up running a large carpentry business."
"My wife is a SAHM."
"She had always worked, but when we moved she was pregnant, all our stuff burned up in a fire, and settling that out, combined with trying to find a job while pregnant -- she just never worked again."
"Of course, by then, she was bringing in $60K/year in investment dividends."
"She is an investor, so this has grown to $160K/year now."
"But, I'm not belittling her degree (business) nor her abilities (witness the dividend income)."
"Your husband doesn't seem to value intellectual education so, your kids might not get any encouragement there either."
"There's nothing wrong with trades, in fact, they are way under-served right now, but he seems to undervalue fields that involve more mental labor."
"My guess is he's very insecure, probably that you are in fact smarter than him and/or could out-earn him, thereby threatening his manhood."
"Then he threatens you with you maybe 'Would be free to do so on my own.'"
"Maybe take him up on that! NTA." ~ blarryg
"Also, I'm pretty sure that your degree will earn you more money than what he would be making when he is fully certified."
"Which is one of the reasons why he doesn't want you to finish your studies."
"NTA, definitely get your degree and definitely find yourself a man who will celebrate your achievements instead of berating and making you feel bad for your goals just because they don't align with his." ~ OutcomeSecure9501
"Was just reading some stats (UK based not sure about the rest of the world) about the number of young people who are in controlling/coercive relationships without being aware of it - the numbers are shocking."
"And there are just so many red flags in this post!"
NTA." ~ Advanced_Race4071
"This 100%. You are planning on marrying someone who doesn't respect you."
"YTA... you don't respect yourself enough."
"People treat you how you allow them to treat you." ~ Dturmnd1
Well, OP, Reddit has a lot to say about this situation.
It seems like a ton of people don't want you to be the a**hole to yourself.
It also sounds like a little couple's counseling could be in order.
You have a lot to consider moving forward.
Good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.