Content Warning: Body shaming, scar shaming, verbal abuse, “negging”
We can all agree that when two people are planning to get married, they should be prepared to love the person through the highs and lows of life, of obstacles and achievements they might experience, and of course, of how our bodies change throughout the seasons.
If a person is already judging their partner about how they look while engaged, imagine how much worse the scrutiny would get with age and possible childbearing, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Upstairs_Garden2353 had a scar on her neck that she was comfortable with and which people generally did not comment on, with the exception of her fiancé and his family.
His comments bothered her, but when he went so far as to joke that he was marrying all of her except her scar, and his mother stated that she was lucky that he was “willing” to marry her anyway, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if this was the right marriage for her.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for deciding to postpone my wedding over a comment my fiancé made about my scar?”
The OP had a visible scar on her neck that her fiancé regularly commented on.
“I (female) have a visible scar on the side of my neck. It’s been there for over six years and no one has ever commented on it or made any negative remarks about it.”
“However, my fiancé would make comments about my scar and make it seem as flirting, like for instance, complaining he has kissed every part of my body, except my neck because of the scar, and how the scar ‘looked like a kid messed up such a great art (referring to my look).'”
“I told him I didn’t appreciate it, even if he was using the scar to be flirty with me, but he insisted he loves me anyway.”
But then the OP’s partner made a comment about marrying her that she could not overlook.
“Our wedding is approaching and I’ve been busy with the wedding planning.”
“A few days ago, my fiancé and I and in-laws were talking about the wedding and we were talking about how we were going to finally be married.”
“He laughed and said, ‘I’m marrying you minus the scar.'”
“I was stunned when he said that, especially in front of his family. I was so upset, I got up and walked out of the room.”
“We had a big fight, and he kept saying I was being a drama queen and that he said ‘nothing wrong.'”
“He doubled down when I said I’d consider postponing the wedding because of his comment and he called me crazy.”
The OP’s future mother-in-law was clearly on her son’s side.
“His mom said that I’m obviously ‘traumatized’ by my scar to let it ruin my marriage with her son and suggested therapy.”
“That hurt my feelings because I’ve always been accepting of my scar and never thought of it as ‘traumatizing.'”
“She then told me that the scar was the issue, not her son who loves me as I am and chose me to be his wife.”
The OP felt deeply conflicted about the future of her marriage.
“I don’t know, I really feel horrible right now. I don’t know if I said the right thing about postponing the wedding and whether I’m overreacting in this situation.”
“My girlfriends have previously said that my fiance shouldn’t even be bringing up the scar like that.”
“He’s honestly really let me down because I feel like he of all people shouldn’t be commenting on my scar, but I thought maybe he meant well now. But it feels deliberate, but for what purpose? I have no idea.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was not in the wrong, but her partner and in-laws were.
“The fact that they’re making it sound like he’s doing you a FAVOR by marrying you even though you have a scar is the HUGEST red flag. Who the f**k comments on someone’s scars like that? And for THIS LONG?!” – punkinbunz
“‘You’re damaged, but I still love you,’ is NOT love. Don’t marry it.” – Proper-Effective8621
“OP, please look up ‘negging.’ Negging is an insult with flirting as a cover, but that doesn’t make it any less of an insult. OP, you are NTA, and I strongly recommend finding yourself someone new with a better attitude toward others.”
“And while you’re looking up ‘negging,’ may I suggest you look up ’DARVO’ (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender). I have a feeling you will recognise this in his behavior.”
“Your man sounds abusive and once he has you ‘locked in’ the marriage, the abuse is likely to increase. This man doesn’t love you, he wants to control you. At the moment he is using your scar to do so, with the aid of his mother. What is next?”
“Keep your eyes open OP, I have a strong feeling you could be walking into a trap.” – ccc2801
“NTA. That’s hurtful, disrespectful, and calling attention to something that is very much a part of you in a negative way.”
“When you love someone, you do so not in spite of the things that make them unique, but BECAUSE of those things. I’d venture to say that scar has shaped how you feel about yourself, the world, relationships, etc. and contributed to the woman you are today.” – AdExpensive1624
“NTA. He sounds awful. And his mother straight up SUCKS.”
“She acts like this woman should be overflowing with gratitude because her son chose her. The MIL is an insufferable cow and the fiancé is a complete a**hat.”
“Don’t marry this guy. He’ll destroy your self-esteem and you. Then gaslight you into thinking you’re wrong. Run! He doesn’t deserve you!” – Ok_Clerk_6960
Others urged the OP to not just postpone the wedding but to end the relationship.
“NTA, but rather than postpone it, I would call it off. Clearly, you deserve better than this jacka** and his family.” – FloMoJoeBlow
“‘He loves you anyway?’ F**k that. NTA, but you will be if you marry this sphincter.”
“Dump his a** and his family. You can do SO much better than this shallow, abusive loser.”
“Thank goodness this came to a head before you were legally entangled. In a couple of years, you can refer to this incident when somebody posts one of those ‘What’s the biggest bullet you ever dodged?’ questions on Reddit.” – onaplinth
“I worry about the comments he will make towards you in the future. If you plan to have kids, your body will drastically change. Is he going to shame and then gaslight you about that too?”
“If he is this shallow to be constantly grinding you down about the scar, how is he going to handle changes due to pregnancy and age? Stretch marks, flabby belly, saggy boobs, wrinkles, grey hair, and chin hairs? What happens when there is NO place left on you ‘good enough’ to kiss?”
“He’s shown you who he really is, and his mom showed you where he got his gaslighting and put-downs from. RUN.” – Lucky_Platypus341
“Bodies change over our lifetime, they get injured, gain scars, new stretch marks appear, gravity kicks in. And that’s all baseline without factoring in some sort of illness or having children.”
“Marrying someone who loves everything about you is so vital. If they’re critical when you’re young and engaged, doesn’t bode well for the long term.”
“I’m sorry this is happening OP. You’re definitely NTA and deserve better.” – Feisty_boat_6133
“He’s been negging you. He has been subtly chipping away at your self-confidence by doing the bulls**t maneuver of, ‘I love you despite the fact you have a scar, no other man would find you attractive with that disgusting scar I can’t even bring myself to touch. I’m willing to spend the rest of my life with you even if that means I’m with someone I don’t get to have the pleasure of kissing their neck, because there is a scar there.'”
“He’s somehow insecure and put off that he doesn’t have a physically flawless specimen to marry. He thinks he’s doing you a favor by marrying you and his mommy thinks he’s a prince for putting up with your scar.”
“They are both horrid. No one who loves you would ever say the things he’s been saying to you over something that you can’t change about your body.”
“No one else in your life makes any kind of deal over your scar… why on earth would you marry someone who is so bothered by your scar that that makes all these negging comments?”
“Cancel the wedding and dump this loser. You deserve so much better out of a husband.”
“He will disparage your aging and changing body, and it will probably get worse after he has you locked down with marriage and kids. Can you imagine what he’d be like with stretch marks and/or a C-section scar? He’d never be able to touch your tummy again.”
“He is immature, cruel, and unfit for grown-up relationships. You are lucky to realize this now because this guy and his mommy are walking talking red flags.” – Ema630
“He’s doing it to undermine your self-esteem and confidence. You do not see your scar as an issue or a reason to be insecure, he is trying to change that. Do. Not. Let. Him.”
“Get far far away from him and his mother. Your friends are spot on.”
“NTA, but you will be TO YOURSELF if you let him continue to disrespect you over and over again after you’ve already put your foot down.” – CallistoFiore
The subReddit was appalled not only by how the OP’s partner was treating her and attempting to tear her self-confidence down, but also in how his family supported the behavior by encouraging the OP to be grateful that he wanted to marry her “despite her flaws.”
No body is perfect, and if someone cannot love you and your body for who you are, even when you are excited and engaged, they likely aren’t the person who you should spend the rest of your life with.