Figuring out where you and your partner stand on important issues is essential to making a relationship work. Things like politics, religion, and especially children are all possible sore subjects.
Redditor aita-frazzledfiance thought he and his fiancée were on the same page, until the unimaginable happened. The original poster (OP) and his partner had different ideas on how to handle the situation, and now they’re fighting and talking about separating.
OP isn’t sure if they overreacted, and decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for perspective.
What did OP not want to do?
“AITA for not taking in my fiancée’s niece and nephew?”
How did this happen?
“My fiancée’s sister and mother just passed away in an accident, and her sister left behind her 6 year old son and daughter, and my fiancée pretty much immediately started talking about flying the kids here to move in with us.”
“I have never been interested in having kids (I have nothing against kids in general, I just personally don’t want to raise or live with any kids), and have always been very clear on that, and I thought my fiancée was the same. So I reiterated my stance on having kids, and said I’m not going to change my mind on that now.”
“My fiancée claims we’re the only people who can take in these kids, which seems strange because she has a brother, who has the bonus of living close to where the kids have been living so they wouldn’t even have to change schools.”
“My fiancée says her brother can’t take them because of money and being too busy, though I’m sure he could do it if he really wanted to, I’m pretty sure you get money from the government for taking in orphaned kids if you need financial help. Also he’s about to inherit a bunch of money from his mom.”
“I said if my fiancée insists on taking in these kids, we will no longer be compatible and we’ll unfortunately have to end the relationship and she’ll have to move out of my place.”
“She’s mad that I’m making her choose between me and the kids, even though there’s really nothing else I can do because I simply am not going to take in these kids, I just have zero interest in raising kids. I think it’s completely unfair to expect me to upturn my life for 2 random kids I’ve never even met just because her brother can’t be bothered.”
“She claims I’m basically saying the kids have to go to foster care or I’ll kick her out and leave her with nowhere to go and 2 kids to care for, which is a bit dramatic because again, they have an uncle I bet could take them in with a bit of effort, and if she really must be the one to take them she could just move into her mom’s old place or her sister’s old place.”
“She’s also saying that I’m basically threatening to break up with her and kick her out right after her mom and sister died, but I don’t see that I had a lot of choice since she was ready to bring 2 kids into my place, and it was either tell her my stance now or wait until she’d already moved them in.”
OP set expectations for their relationship, but it’s difficult to plan for your sister dying.
Is OP or his fiancée in the wrong here?
Commenters determined this by including one of the following in their comments:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
In the end, it’s a bad situation all around.
OP was clear about not wanting kids, and it’s not on him to upend his life for children he’s never even met.
That said, it’s also understandable why the fiancée wants to take them in, despite not wanting kids previously.
Commenters agreed no one here is the a**hole, just victims of circumstance.
“NAH, difficult situation. But you shouldn’t have to change your life for these kids, though I would accept this is the end of your relationship” – HappyRainbowSparkle
“Yeah :/ it really sucks, but if she really must take these kids in then we just aren’t on the same path anymore.” – aita-frazzledfiance (OP)
“Even if she decides she can’t take care of the kids on het own and stays with you. The resentment will probably end the relationship for you. This is a no win situation.” – Snoozzcat
“I came here to say exactly this, there is no way to come back from this. If she doesn’t take the kids she’ll never forgive you fully for what’s happened and she’ll hold on to that even if she chose you.”
“I would bet anything on it. Things will never be the same. No one is the bad guy here though I don’t think either.”
“Although you could be a bit nicer while referring to the kids instead of ‘random kids’ do have compassion even if you don’t want/like kids they just lost so much” – NatashaVorster
While plenty of comments understood OP’s position and agreed he didn’t have a responsibility to take in the kids, they felt he could have communicated this better.
There’s nothing worse than being an AH because of how you communicate.
“Not TA for the sentiment, but if you’re sharing it with her the same way you’re putting it here, very much TA for that.”
“You say you thought she didn’t want kids, but this has nothing to do with her wanting or not wanting kids. These are kids who already exist and who she already loves, who need help.
“If you’re not willing to give that help, you can communicate that boundary… but you make it sound like she’s gone all baby-hungry or something. She hasn’t.”
“She is trying to simultaneously cope with crushing grief, care for two loved ones, and probably also trying to make sure she honors what her sister would have wanted. The way you talk about this whole situation doesn’t seem to reflect empathy for that.” – Jazmadoodle
“I am guardian for my developmentally disabled niece should something happen to her parents. Did I love that idea? No. Would I do it? Yes, to the absolute best of my abilities because I love her.”
“Life sometimes throws you curve balls.”
“OP doesn’t want to be a part of that, and that is OK. Fiancee will be better off without him…although that sting is likely going to take years to get over.” – Goodbye11035Karma
“YTA for how you’re treating your soon-to-be-ex-fiancee, but it’s almost balanced by the fact that at least you’re letting her see the real you before marriage.”
“You can choose whether or not you want kids, but stuff comes up in life. You’re showing her that you’d rather stick to ideals for yourself rather than adjust, problem solve, and act as a partner.”
“YTA because you’re really being a jerk about how you’re communicating that, and for putting up an ultimatum. She just lost her mother and sister. You have no idea what the brother’s situation really is, you just think you’ve solved the problem by avoiding any responsibility yourself. I mean, really?”
“That’s your prerogative, but you’re just not long term relationship material if you can’t figure out a better way to deal with difficult things and changes to plans. Because guess what? That’s what partners do.” – Cejarrood
The minute the fiancée wanted to take in the kids, and OP was adamant he didn’t want to, the relationship was over.
Even if one got the other to cave, there would have been resentment building.
You can’t plan for or predict everything and have a conversation with your partner for expectations. Sometimes, you just do your best, and decide what you really want when the worst happens.