While in some cultures the costs for a wedding were shouldered by the bride's family, more couples are now footing the bill themselves by creating a wedding fund.
But what happens if one partner decides to spend the money on something other than the wedding?
That's the predicament one 27-year-old Redditor found herself in with her 25-year-old significant other. So she went to the Relationship Advice subReddit for help.
Redditor ThrowRA-rowaway posted:
"My fiancé spent our entire savings (which we both were saving for our wedding and honeymoon) to buy a gaming pc."
"What's worse is that ever since he got the pc, he has totally ignored me. He has absolutely forgotten that I even exist in his life."
She explained:
"My fiancé and I got engaged in December last year. In January this year, we both together decided to save money every month for our wedding and honeymoon."
"In 6 months, we saved around $8000. Last month, my fiancé's best friend bought a new gaming pc, so even my fiancé wanted to buy one, so he asked me, but I denied it because we both already had laptops."
"I told him that he can play games in the laptop that he already has. He repeatedly kept asking me if he could buy a pc and I finally agreed to it (now I regret it so badly)."
"After a week, the pc finally came and with the pc, a new table and chair also was delivered. Apparently he had ordered a gaming chair and a table as well."
"That night, I asked him how much it all cost and he was a little hesitant to tell me. After a while he told me and I was distraught when I heard that he had spent our entire savings of $8000 to buy the pc."
"We had a very big argument that night and I scolded him for spending all our savings because that savings contained not only his money but my money as well. And we were saving it for our wedding."
"After everything I told him, his final reply was 'I will earn it all back soon.' I don't trust those words at all."
"I thought anything worse than this couldn't happen at this moment, but it has. It has been about 2 weeks since he got the pc and since then, my fiancé hasn't gotten up from his new chair."
"Ever since he got the pc, he hasn't even seen my face. The only time he talks to me is when he is hungry, he calls to me and tells me to get him something to eat/drink."
"I call him to watch TV and he denies it saying that he's busy. I call him to sleep together and he denies it and says that he'll sleep later."
"His sleep schedule has been f'ked. He plays games the whole night and sleeps at 5am and wakes up at 2pm."
"He's asleep when I'm awake and he's awake when I'm asleep. From the past 2 weeks I've been so lonely that it feels like I'm alone at home and nobody to even talk to."
He is ignoring me so much that I think he has absolutely forgotten that I even exist in his life. I honestly feel like his waitress nowadays because from the past 2 weeks, the only interaction we both have is him asking for food and water and me giving it to him."
"He has also 100% stopped doing all the house chores. From the past 2 weeks, I have been the one doing all the house chores and it's getting very hard for me to do it all alone."
"We used to share our responsibilities and do all the house chores together, but from the past 2 weeks, he isn't even taking care of himself. He is barely even brushing his teeth and taking a bath, let alone do the house chores."
"Also he is actually supposed to be working from home, but ever since the pc arrived, he hasn't even touched his laptop to work and he's isn't even seeing his phone to check if someone has called/text him anything regarding work. I'm now genuinely afraid that he might lose his job."
"Everything that is happening right now is so bad, I called my parents and told them about it last night and they almost had nothing to say. I'm thinking of calling his parents tonight and telling it to them, and maybe they can knock some sense into him."
"I honestly don't know what else to do now. I want to burn that pc."
"It would be very nice if someone suggested me something about this. Thank you very much for reading this and thank you very much in advance for your comments and suggestions."
Redditors who are also gamers had plenty of advice to offer.
A lot of it had to do with questioning the amount the fiancé claimed to have spent for a PC, table and chair.
"So. I game. My husband games. We are both avid gamers—him moreso than I—and he lives and breathes his computer."
"When I read this post out loud and he heard the amount that your (hopefully ex) fiancé blew on his computer, he asked 'Does the computer suck his d*ck while he games? Does he sh*t into the chair and it power the computer for him? Even as a hardcore computer gaming enthusiast, I would have to make a considerable effort to spend even HALF of what he did. I don't know how that's physically possible even with top-of-the-line hardware. He either grossly overpaid, or he's telling her that's what was spent on the computer, but he's lying and blew it elsewhere because of the amount of unnecessary sh*t that he had to buy in order to get to that number in the first place. That's f'king insanity'."
"It's been 15 minutes and he's still ranting about how unbelievable that amount is to spend on a computer."
"If I were you, and my fiancé pulled that stunt, I would tell him to marry the computer since he's so dedicated to it that it requires all his time and our joint wedding fund."
"I'm just going to leave it at that." ~ Lharka
"I think every gamer who came across this post was only thinking, 'what did he buy?'. 8K for a gaming rig is just insane." ~ throwaway8950873
"His mind was literally blown. It's been hours and STILL this is the topic of conversation. We've made it our goal today to try and theoretically build one that could even come close to this." ~ Lharka
"'...Also he is actually supposed to be working from home, but ever since the pc arrived, he hasn't even touched his laptop to work and he's isn't even seeing his phone to check if someone has called/text him anything regarding work...'."
"I'm almost sure he either doesn't have a job anymore or he got himself a vacation. You can't just not check your laptop/work phone for 2 weeks and still keep your job."
"After a couple of days of missing work without giving a reason, they either try to get in touch with you through other means or fire you directly."
"I agree with the other people that commented—8000$ for a gaming PC is too much. You really should get to the bottom of this and go from there."
"But I don't see how is this salvageable. He clearly doesn't respect you and seems that he doesn't really care about you."
"I wouldn't marry someone like him." ~ MariannaS01
"My monitor, which is the acer predator z35 and is f'king top of the line sans 4k, cost less than $3k. My gaming PC, which had, at the time, the best graphics card available (gtx 1080) was $2000."
"Wtf did he f'king buy?" ~ SnowSkye2
"My gaming rig with a 165hz 2k predator 26" monitor, gtx1080ti, Intel i7-7700k that I built 3or4 years ago was less than $3,000."
"I have no idea what this fool bought." ~ CommandoLamb
While there were questions about the money actually all being spent on the PC, chair and table or something else he didn't want to disclose, most people advised the OP to cut her losses.
"You lost 8k but congrats you found out your fiancé is a POS. Call off the wedding go stay with your parents for a few weeks see if he gets the hint to sell PC and try and win you back.
"I bet he won't but who knows."
"Consider that you got lucky and found this out before marriage and kids. Move on and find a man who cares about you more than a video game...."
"Don't destroy any off his stuff and don't call his parents he is an adult. Do pack your sh*t then have a talk with him and then immediately go stay with your parents so he understands this is real!" ~ Combination_Salt
"This is exactly what I would do. Say you're not coming back until the money is replaced and he's in a healthier state of mind."
"If he wants to get married he'll have to prove it." ~ _sissy_hankshaw_
"Even if he puts the money back, he's shown how little regard he had for her. Two weeks without any acknowledgment?"
"Stealing her money and hiding it? Treating her as a maid?"
"I'd consider whether this is who he is and whether he thought that since they're getting married he didn't have to try anymore."
"Try to talk with him for sure, but without something drastic I'm not sure this is excusable behavior." ~ Willothwisp2303
The OP did not return to provide an update. Hopefully she found the answers she needed.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.