In the olden days, unless you were a part of a vast criminal conspiracy, phones were private once switchboard operators were no longer needed to connect calls.
The technology to tap into what was happening on a person’s phone didn’t exist in a way available to the general public.
Now? All someone needs is a phone left open or a passcode to gain access to private messages and call logs.
A woman whose fiancé learned about messages on her phone turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Comfortable_Ant_1375 asked:
“AITA? My Fiancé and his sister went through my phone and found upsetting messages between my sister and I.”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“OK, so I need advice. I’m a 37, female engaged to 40, male. We have been together almost 10 years. I will try to keep this short as possible.”
“My sister-in-law to be went through my phone and found messages of me venting to my sister about my fiancé and some of his relatives. She showed him the messages and now things are just very awkward between us all. I did apologize to my fiancé and his sister via the phone, but we are yet to speak face to face about it.
“I am aware things will never be the same again as some of the messages were quite unfiltered, but they were all true. No one else was supposed to see them and I forgot to delete them.”
“Some of the messages were about how I’m going to break things off with him due to some behavior traits I have brought up and some past events that he continues to gaslight me about including him cheating on me emotionally.”
“Anyway, there are so many things that have happened and I have previously tried to end things with him but he always promised things would improve. Some things have, some haven’t.”
“Anyway, I vented on Whatsapp to my sister and we said some mean things and now my fiancé thinks he doesn’t know me anymore. Honestly, I feel bad for those messages, but at the same time I can’t help thinking it was overdue for us to address some underlying issues and he won’t discuss anything.”
“Even before he saw the messages, he has always swept issues under the rug and this seems to be a pattern in their family.”
“All he keeps saying is he doesn’t care, but his sister is a different story. And he says it as if I’m in trouble with his sister, and I’d better start sucking up if I want to be accepted by her.”
“There is so much nuance to my story, and I’m afraid to go into too much detail because so much happened in our relationship that led to my venting, and my sister is the only one I can vent to. I avoid sharing relationship issues with friends.”
“Please help. What’s the point if we can’t address the buildup to my venting?”
“Also, why did they go through my phone? I feel I deserve an apology from them for going through my messages and phone behind my back.”
“I will admit that one of the major issues in the relationship is how much he manipulates. Everything from conversations to details of events.”
“Am I the a**hole here?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“Am I the a**hole for venting about him and his family and expecting an apology from them for going through my phone in the first place?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole to themselves (YTA)…
…but not the a**hole in this situation (NTA).
“YTA for staying with him when you clearly have a problematic relationship already. Now he and his sister massively violated your privacy and then got mad cuz you told your sister the truth.
“WTF? Please, find your backbone and your self-respect and gtfo this toxic af relationship!” ~ bmw5986
“I had to stop reading at, ‘My fiancé and his sister went through my phone’ because I knew OP was the a**hole for still calling him her fiancé.”
“He’d be my kicked in the a** by the door ex fiancé the minute I knew this. YTA, OP, because you are allowing yourself to be totally disrespected, and you privacy invaded. I’m worried for you. Please see sense and leave this man.” ~ LaurelCanyoner
“Let’s back up a second. OP is NTA for venting to her sister. Her sister in law to be snooped and shared the confidences, and they are the AH for THAT.”
“But OP, don’t be the a**hole to yourself as the folks above have pointed out, this is a problematic relationship and we don’t think it’s healthy to stay in it unless you just want to be disrespected by your fiance’s family for years to come (unless y’know, you just need to get a starter marriage and a divorce under your belt for any reason).” ~ WhizGidget
“How many red flags do you need to see before you leave?” ~ Obvious-Arrival2571
“Those aren’t red flags, they’re stop signs.” ~ ImHere4TheReps
“Sunk cost fallacy. She has spent 10 years putting up with him and doesn’t want to have to start over to find a new partner.”
“It’s a fallacy because you end up living a miserable life instead of having to do harder work to make a good life.” ~ RosieAU93
“My EX-wife would go through my phone, find nothing but stupid memes, and still find a reason to get mad over them. I put a pin code on it, and that drove her up the f*cking wall. Which is why she’s my EX.”
“OP better tighten up, because they just showed their hand on how they intend to control her.” ~ cyclopswasright_49
“I had to go back twice to check the ages and timeline. A ten-year relationship and decidedly knocking on middle-aged territory, and yet, this reads like the stupid sh*t that teenagers do.”
“OP is the a**hole only to herself. Get rid of this man, his toxic sister, and go get a grown-up.” ~ Emmatheaccountant
“YTA for staying with a cheater.” ~ keepingitreal02
“Maybe you need to take a step back and reevaluate the whole relationship. He didn’t respect your privacy, and his sister violated it.”
“What is your relationship going to be like? If there is this much distrust, maybe you need to think about the future.” ~ RadiantGrocery1889
“I seriously can’t believe you’re still with him after invading your privacy, cheating, and gaslighting you! Good lord! I’d rather be single for the rest of my life!” ~ Ok_Mountain_2449
“Girl, what are you doing with this guy? He emotionally cheats on you, and his sister is going through your phone? And now they’re both trying to make you the bad guy?”
“This will never end—he clearly has no boundaries, and neither does his sister. Just because you’ve been with him 10 years doesn’t mean you need to spend the next 10 with these horrible people.”
“Being single doesn’t mean being alone. You have friends and your sister. Leave him and do better.” ~ tickledpickles69
“Why do you not have a password for your phone? I have the initial passcode, then I have certain apps locked behind an additional passcode.”
“YTA. Never trust anyone with your phone or computer.”
“If someone wants to verify something and you’re willing to share, you can go through the pertinent info while you are holding the device and controlling it.”
“But allowing anyone unfettered access to your phone is irresponsible on so many levels. Ditch this person!” ~ ImaginaryPark6311
“I’m confused about why you are justifying yourself and not pissed that she went through your phone! I would be pissed off and be demanding an apology, not entertaining comments such as you needing to be ready to suck up to the sneaky bitch!”
“I would go on the offence and hold them accountable for such a gross violation of privacy.” ~ Secure_Morning7464
…but not the a**hole in this situation (NTA).
“They. Went. Through. Your. Phone.”
“You are allowed to vent to a relative or friend especially if ‘fiance’ won’t discuss issues. And brings HIS family into it.”
“You are looking at the rest of your life, and you can trust that the rest of his side will get involved. What will you do when he demands that you cut your sister and other family members from your life?”
“Forget premarital counseling, get some for yourself. Sometimes being single is better than being alone in a marriage. NTA!” ~
“You are the wronged party. You’ve been putting up with infidelity and communication issues for 10 years. It’s beyond me why you would deign to marry such a person.”
“Your SIL had absolutely no right to go through your phone. It’s a major intrusion and should not be forgiven. Ever. She should be sucking up to you.”
“I hope you leave these idiots in the past where they belong and then you won’t have to offload on your sister.” ~ MoomahTheQueen
“Girl, PLEASE get away from the toxic man AND his family! Do NOT let them make YOU feel bad about them going through YOUR phone, because this is only the beginning. And please tell me that you don’t have children with him.”
“Run NOW, or your life will be sh*t for as long as you live! You are NTA, and don’t let them make you feel like you are.”
“You don’t have to be accepted by his sister, or anyone else, for that matter. F*ck him AND his sister.”
“GET. OUT. NOW.”
“Wishing you a speedy and SAFE transition, because once you marry him, your life will become much, much, MUCH, worse. He will defer to her from now on about everything you do.”
“She is going to criticize you every chance she gets, and he will be standing right by her, and you’ll have to be pitted against her for the rest of your life. Go!!!” ~ MamaDee1959
Hopefully OP takes the harsh judgment to heart and finds the strength to leave this relationship.