Though it’s nice to assume the best of everyone, some people are better suited to be around people with disabilities.
Eventually, an ableist person’s true colors will be revealed, pointed out the folks in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, but how much torment will the person with disabilities have to face first?
Redditor TrickyComputer8974’s lifelong friend was a widower, alongside his disabled adult son. He tried to support his friend when he became engaged to another woman, even though the son accused his potential stepmother of not treating him well.
When it was revealed what she had been saying to him behind closed doors, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked that his friend would still marry her if she were willing to change.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for calling my lifelong friend’s fiancée ‘Cruella de Vil’?”
The OP helped take care of his lifelong friend’s adult son, Lane, who had special needs.
“My lifelong friend, Mike, has a 44-year-old special needs son, Lane.”
“His wife, Anna, passed away almost three years ago. He recently became engaged to a woman, Misty.”
“My wife promised Anna that she’d help look after Lane when Anna was dying. And my wife has. She takes him to doctor’s appointments and keeps him with her on days that his day program is closed.”
“We’ve kept him many times for days or up to a week while his dad was out of town for work. He’s special needs, but probably about like having a very well-behaved seven-year-old around.”
“He’s fine to go to a restaurant or the movies or shopping. He’s polite. He’s able to bathe and dress himself. He also does a wonderful job of picking up after himself and performing basic tasks.”
The OP was concerned by how Lane’s behavior changed when Misty appeared.
“Lane started acting out as soon as Misty was in the picture.”
“He repeatedly told my wife that Misty talked to him ‘mean’ and told him, ‘There’s nothing wrong with you. You are just a lazy brat and a burden to Mike.'”
“My wife believed Lane because he’s never made up stories before, and if he had made it up, she was 100% sure he would have said, ‘Dad,’ not ‘Mike,’ in his story.”
“My wife talked to Mike about it, but he didn’t believe Misty would do that.”
“Misty denied it and suggested that Lane was lying because he didn’t like her taking his mom’s place.”
When the truth came out, the OP was surprised by how Mike handled it.
“Eventually, Lane’s younger brother secretly recorded Misty and Lane’s interactions, and on the first day, he recorded her saying exactly what Lane said she said.”
“Mike and Misty came to our house a couple of days after Lane’s brother recorded her. Mike asked my wife if she could spend some time with Misty and Lane and help Misty learn how to interact with Lane so she wouldn’t be so overwhelmed.”
“I said, ‘You gotta be f**king kidding me. You can’t seriously think it’s okay to leave Lane with Cruella de Vil after what she’s done. It wasn’t an accident. She was verbally abusing your son. Anna is probably rolling over in her grave.'”
“Mike thinks I’m wrong for calling Misty ‘Cruella de Vil’ instead of understanding that she was frustrated and overwhelmed and needed help instead of judgment. He doesn’t want to hear our concerns.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were certain Misty knew exactly what she was doing and that it was wrong.
“NTA.”
“There’s a reason she never speaks that way in front of Mike. She’s a manipulative abuser. She’d have been speaking that way in front of him the entire time if she wasn’t trying to hide it.”
“He’s deliberately ignoring the obvious, which means he actually doesn’t care about his son. He cares more about getting his ego stroked than his kid’s mental and emotional health. She’s terrible, but your friend isn’t the person you think he is, either.”
“Who knows what else this person will try to do when someone isn’t around to catch her? The only limits that abusers put on themselves are what they think they can avoid responsibility for doing.” – Here_IGuess
“NTA. It wasn’t something she said once out of ‘frustration’ (which also would not be okay).”
“It’s repeated, intentional, and cruel treatment of his special needs son.”
“You are not the AH. Mike and Misty are both huge AHes.” – Suitable-Park184
“If she was frustrated and overwhelmed, that’s what she’d say to Lane and his father: ‘This isn’t going well for me. I don’t know quite how to act here,’ and then listen to the response from both of them about how things work best in her new family.”
“Instead, she, a supposedly competent adult, told someone she knows has special needs that they are faking those needs and also had the nerve to say they’re a burden to their parent when in fact the relationship has been running well for years.”
“Yeah, I think she’d have no problem skinning puppies for a coat. She definitely won’t have any problem treat Lane even worse as punishment for getting caught.”
“NTA, just creatively accurate and brutally honest.” – Glum-Ad-4736
“If Misty was overwhelmed and out of her depth, and then one day she snapped and said something harsh or mean-spirited, that’s the moment she has a choice to make.”
“She could have asked for help then. She could have talked to Mike and let him know what happened and talked about ways to avoid it happening again. She could have made an appointment with any of Lane’s providers and talked to them.”
“None of that would excuse the first outburst, but it would mean she actually wanted to do better and regretted her actions. Instead, she hid it, lied about it, and did it again. She’s not sorry she did it, she’s sorry she got caught.” – CDSEChris
“NTA. The difference between Misty and Lane is that Misty DESERVES to be called something harsh. Frankly, she deserves worse.” – Low_Parsley_2689
Others were concerned about the order of Mike’s priorities.
“Why on earth is Mike still with this monster? A normal person would break things off after hearing that recording.” – jmlozan
“He probably was not Lane’s primary caregiver and is finding it overwhelming, even with OP and their wife helping him. So now he has a new fiancee, he figures can take over being primary caregiver, and it’s ‘not that bad,’ because he doesn’t want to put in the effort to find a new girlfriend to be an actual caring caregiver.”
“I feel so bad for Lane. NTA.” – Allyka88
“NTA. Mike is thinking with his d*ck and hoping everyone can get along. I agree this woman is Cruella de Vil. She is not overwhelmed by Lane. She sees him as an obstacle to her happy life with Mike.”
“Some people just don’t have an empathic bone in their bodies. She will continue to instigate behaviors in Lane and force an ultimatum with Mike, like, ‘It’s either me or send the kid away somewhere.'”
“Lane’s younger brother should put nanny cams around the house to protect Lane. If she verbally abuses him so soon, I expect she will physically hurt him, too.”
“Can Lane be taught to use a phone to call for help? So sorry for your situation; it sickens me. Lane is lucky to have you in his life.” – Organic_Acadia_1098
“Mike could be right, and calling her a name could be considered rude, but I feel you and would have probably done the same.”
“NTA. I am mostly surprised Mike wouldn’t take his son’s side as the default side.”
“As an aside, I assume Mike’s youngest isn’t a kid anymore, so Misty would be stupid to talk down to Lane in his presence. Is she, and if not, how did he manage to record her?”
“Good luck, and especially to Lane!” – erwin76
“Mike is betraying his poor son in the worst way, and Lane isn’t just some normal grown-up who will understand that his father is actually a weak-a** loser like most of our parents are underneath their boomer narcissism.”
“Good for you. Keep letting Mike know how much he’s f**king up. He’s just pretending he’s offended about the Cruella s**t just to avoid having to give up sharing his bed with someone.”
“He’s not really all that great of a dude if he’s willing to gaslight everyone about this horrid creature’s abuse while playing the poor, lonely widower with a heart of gold.” – MRSAMinor
“Mike needs a reality check. Who would possibly even want to be with such an awful person as Misty?!”
“OP, you are NTA. Being a good friend sometimes means holding each other accountable as our best selves.”
“Instead of being mad at you, Mike should be re-thinking his relationship with Cruella.” – Puzzleheaded-Ad7606
This is one of those situations where everyone can understand how a person would be lonely and trying to fill a void after their best friend and partner passed away.
But because Mike also had children, he needed to consider their well-being, too, while choosing a partner to date and marry.
By focusing on his personal feelings and disregarding what he was putting his sons through, he was not the advocate for Lane that Lane deserved in his father.