Bachelor/bachelorette parties are a curious thing.
The tradition essentially allows a person to enjoy a night of debauchery, whatever that means to the individual, before the day of the nuptials.
Each couple may have varying agreements solidified beforehand of what is to be expected.
One guy was conflicted when his bride-to-be sister confronted him about the topic.
After causing drama with his response, throwaway19081397 visited the Am I the A**hole subReddit and asked:
“AITA (Am I the A**hole) for telling my sister to stop being insecure about her fiancé’s bachelor party?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
My (28 M[ale]) sister (30 F[female]) is getting married in about a month, and her fiancé (31 M[ale]), with whom I have a very good relationship, had his bachelor party over this weekend.”
“I was invited, and I hadn’t been to many of those, but it seemed like standard bachelor party stuff to me. We just went pub crawling and ended up in a strip club.”
“I don’t know what sort of ‘agreement’ future BIL [brother in law] had with my sister about this party, and I didn’t ask. And I certainly wasn’t prepared when my sister texted me today asking me about the party.”
“It started with a simple ‘how was it?’ and eventually it moved to ‘did he do anything?’. Of course, as her brother, I was the only person she could ‘ask’ (the other guests were his personal friends).”
“But I told her she should stop inquiring me and ask her fiancé if she wants to know anything.”
The OP continued:
“The truth is I didn’t even see him do anything remotely inappropriate (for this context anyway), but just the fact that I didn’t want to get involved and refused to say anything made her feel like I was indeed covering for him or something.”
“So when she kept insisting, I just told her to stop being insecure about it.”
“Apparently that was me crossing the line because she called me up just to say I had no right to judge her like that. I told her that was how she was coming across to me.”
“AITA here?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The thread sparked a polarizing debate on the topic.
“YTA. It would not have cost you anything to say ‘nothing happened.’ I’ve been to bachelor parties and ‘nothing happened’ is NOT the default answer. Worry and suspicion are perfectly valid feelings for her to have in that situation.”
“All you did was heighten her suspicions about what her fiance did or didn’t do. Your non-answer was an answer and not a good one. You left your sister worried and your friend in a world of sh*t.”
“TWO WORDS could have made everything better, but for some reason, you refused to say them. A**hole move for sure.” – BetweenWeebandOtaku
“Call me old-fashioned, but I think it’s a bit weird to marry someone you think is cheating on you during his literal bachelor party for the wedding, and if my sibling asked such an uncomfortable question, I’d be a bit peeved.”
“Sounds like run-of-the-mill trust issues, and that will only get worse if she feeds into it and acts as his babysitter. Editing to say I don’t know why most replies are about whether strip clubs are ethical. It doesn’t seem like a relevant topic here; OP clearly didn’t hide that they were at a strip club.” – hexenfern
“It’s because even the ones you assume wouldn’t do anything, end up doing something, also a lot of people have no strip club rules, and think it’s a deal breaker.” – Shadows_of_Meanas
“I agree that it seems insecure to ask that question. But on the other hand, cheating is pretty common even among people you would never have expected it from.”
“She seems to trust her brother enough to ask, and shows him this insecure side of herself. Maybe she just needed her brother to reassure her. ‘Of course he didn’t do anything, stupid!’ and then she can go ‘haha yeah that was dumb of me to even think that he would, forget I asked!'”
“Instead she got ‘I’ll never te-ell…’ It’s unneccessary.” – Cluelessish
“This is it. The run up to weddings is insanely stressful for some people. Many people start stressing about things that would never normally bother them – that’s really a symptom of two stress and not the relationship.”
“I think that of this is the only time she’d expressed concerns, OP should have extended her some grace. I’d think the same if it was an otherwise sensible man asking his sister about a bachelorette.”
“How hard is it to say ‘no, we had a blast and I didnt see him doing anything untoward whilst I was with him’. Frankly it DOES seem a**holish to say ‘talk to him about it’ because that does imply that something happened that you don’t want to tell her.”
“If anything the reply only heightened her anxiety.” – linerva
“I think a lot of people here who are calling the sister insecure and that she doesn’t trust her fiancé so she shouldn’t be getting married are underestimating the mystique of bachelor parties in our culture.
“When I was a teenager and I first heard about this tradition I was really disturbed. I couldn’t imagine anything more humiliating than being a woman at home preparing for your wedding while your husband gets a show from strippers dancing in his lap and all of his closest friends and family members thinking about how much hotter the dancer is than you right before the wedding.”
“This comparison is implicit even if unspoken, but I’m sure it comes up sometimes.”
“The number of films, TV shows, magazines, jokes, etc. about this ritual, the ‘bro code,’ etc., is quite a lot to weigh against one relationship.”
“If all you ever hear is every man does this. Then why would you think your man would be different?” – PurpleHyacinth
“YTA, your sister comes to you with a concern and you tell her to stop being insecure? Perhaps she just insecure, or perhaps her partner has given her reason to be, perhaps she feels stuck in her relationship and shouldn’t be getting married at all and this was her cry for help.”
“You should have at least asked a few questions as to why she is feeling this way. She’s clearly not feeling confident in her relationship for some reason, as her brother you should try to find out why and try to support her.” – Wreck_My_Plans
“This is it.”
“One thing people forget is that the run-up to weddings is insanely stressful for some people – particularly women as they tend to take on most of the load for planning a wedding. Many people start stressing about things that would never normally bother them – that’s really a symptom of two stress and not the relationship.”
“I didnt have any meltdowns like this, but u do remember stressing about things I never cared about.”
“I think that of this is the only time she’d expressed concerns, OP should have extended her some grace, talked about how she was feeling or why she was concerned, and reassuredger if he was able to.”
“I’d think the same if it was an otherwise sensible man asking his sister about a bachelorette in a moment of pre-wedding insecurity.”
“How hard is it to say ‘no, we had a blast and I didnt see him doing anything untoward whilst I was with him’. Frankly it DOES seem a**holish to just say ‘talk to him about it’ because that does imply that something happened that you don’t want to tell her.”
“If anything the reply only heightened her anxiety.”
“I see what people are saying about how he doesnt know what the couple agreed. But if he tells the truth then the sister can make her own mind up about whether boundaries are broken.”
“And of she’s asking her brother it’s because she thinks her fiance would lie if he did break her boundaries – because many people do. Situations like that are not unheard of so her concerns aren’t crazy.”
“I’d tell her the truth. She’ll likely find out they went to the strip club anyway and even if it causes a big issue, stopping a wedding is much cheaper than divorce.”
“I know people are saying that she shouldnt be marrying someone she cant trust, but she may be lacking the evidence to prove that she’s being lied to, or that he’s not trustworthy. And hiding what happened do the marriage continues isn’t going to help if their relationship is bad.”
“Just like telling her to ask him is pointless of he’s lying to her.” – linverva
“Soft YTA. It sounds like you are covering up how you told her.”
“Best would be to tell her something: ‘Hey sis, Sorry for sounding like I judge you. I didn’t mean to do that. I just don’t want to be coming in the middle of this. But you can be sure, if he would have done anything inappropriate or some form of cheating, I would have told you. You are my sister, and I want you to be happy. So no, there wasn’t anything you should be worried about. But please ask your fiancé if you want more details.'” – Trevena_Ice
The comments continued being divided.
However, there seemed to be more of a contingent that thought the OP’s non-response was cold and only exacerbated her fears of what may or may not have happened at an establishment where temptation runs high.