The holidays are here.
Everyone is assembling their shopping lists.
But times are tough.
Not everyone can afford to give out a bunch of gifts this Christmas.
This, sadly, can cause personal relationship dramas.
Redditor u/JordanKnoxOfficial wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"WIBTA if I tell my child and their spouse to not bother coming for Christmas if they can’t appreciate what little we can give them?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"First, a little backstory: my kid's spouse comes from a family that buys affection, manipulates using money, and gifts have stipulations or are used to guilt-trip, etc."
"Very narcissistic, controlling, manipulative mother."
"To the point that my child and their family have moved out of state twice to 'get away' from the mother."
"I told all of my kids years ago, including my kids' spouses, we will never buy your love or your time."
"Even if we were millionaires, we would never buy your love or your time, gifts are gifts without conditions or guilt trips."
"Well, I found out that kids' spouse said to another one of my kids that they aren’t coming for Christmas if all they get is dollar store presents."
"For the past 3 1/2 years, we have been struggling financially, like so many others, trying to stay afloat and have almost lost our house several times."
"Have had to be on payment plans for every bill we have and have had to eat super cheap (ramen, peanut butter & jelly etc)."
"There were several times I didn’t eat because there wasn’t enough food for all of us."
"We had to borrow money to get utilities turned back on or to prevent it from being turned off etc."
"I hadn’t bought body wash or shampoo for myself in over a year."
"I just used very little of my husband's or thankfully some had been gifted to me by a customer at my old job."
"I have been wearing the same shoes that have holes in the bottoms; I’ve had to sew the one bra I own multiple times to keep it together- you get the picture."
"But for Christmas we didn’t want to give our kids and grandkids nothing… so we literally scraped together every spare piece of change we could find, literally counting and rolling coins just to be able to give them something because we enjoy it, not because we think that is what holidays are about."
"So while yes, they may be from the dollar store or the clearance section at Walmart, we choose each one with love."
"Anyways, I’m at the point where I want to tell them not to even bother coming until they remember that in this house we visit because we enjoy family time and love each other, not for what you might get out of it."
"I also want to say something to my children who heard that comment, and anyone else like it, and ask why they just let it go and didn’t defend us when they all know how hard we struggle."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So would I be the AH if I tell them if that’s what they look for in Christmas or any holidays to not bother coming?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Tell them the truth: times are hard, and there will be no presents; all you want is their time with you." ~ lizziebee66
"NTA. As an adult, spending Christmas with your family isn’t about getting gifts: it’s about spending Christmas with your family." ~ Swirlyflurry
"Invite them, but let them know that you are unable to provide any gifts for Christmas this year."
"If that’s a no-go for them, they can spend Christmas elsewhere." ~ anarchyreigns
"Right?"
"If things are really that bad, OP should ditch the $5 in dollar store presents and go buy herself a pair of shoes at a thrift store."
"I wonder if OP misheard and they actually said, 'I'm not coming if she wastes her money on dollar store gifts, ' and didn't overhear the follow-up, which was 'she should be spending that money on herself!'"
"But either way, OP should be listening to what someone says the spouse of their child said... they should call their child and talk directly with them." ~ OrindaSarnia
"NTA, but maybe talk to your child about it first?"
"Being angry over hearsay is never a good idea."
"Perhaps ask them if what was said is how they feel?"
"Honestly, my mum struggles financially, and it is frustrating as shit when she buys me cheap crap I’m never going to use."
"I would rather she not buy me gifts at all."
"I just enjoy seeing her for the holidays."
"I hate having to pretend I like a present that I’m never going to use, but can’t throw away because it will hurt her feelings; I also hate that she’s wasted what little money she has on it."
"We agreed years ago: no presents, adults, but it is what it is."
"These days I try to give her an achievable goal (within her budget) well in advance." ~ EliraeTheBow
"Ooh, yes, very good point."
"It could well be that the kids would be happier with no presents."
"I also have a relative that loves to gift crap that I won't use, and it is so frustrating because there's no 'correct' reaction I can have to another bad gift."
"It's not about the price; it's about it being something I never wanted and now feel obligated to hold onto or at least act appreciative in the moment out of politeness." ~ chameleonsEverywhere
"ESH? Do you want a fight? Because if you open with 'be grateful for what you get or don't come' you're going to get a fight."
"What do you actually want out of a conversation with your son about this?"
"Him to better understand your situation?"
"To discuss his familial expectations, wife's classism, what steps might make things less stressful for everyone at the holidays?"
"To let him know her words hurt and ask for an apology?"
"Similarly, 'Why didn't you defend my honor?'"
"Is going to put your kids on the defensive."
"If you want to talk to your other kids about the incident, focus on asking what was going through their heads and how you'd like to see this sort of situation addressed in the future, not how you feel they failed you." ~ CleverNamesPending
"Hard to make a judgment, and I’d caution you to double-check on this before drawing conclusions."
"This wasn’t said to you directly and may be taken out of context or misremembered."
"I would check in with the particular child."
"Clarify with them that you bought the dollar store style gifts with good intentions."
"Then ask: Is it getting inexpensive stuff that you don’t really need that is the problem?"
"Or is it truly that they don’t think it’s worth coming if there aren’t nicer presents?"
"If it’s the first, tell them that’s a relief- you’ll focus on time together."
"If it’s the latter, then YWNBA to tell them that you’ll miss them and are sad that spending Christmas with you is dependent on gifts."
"Then let it be."
"Hopefully your child will realize how dumb this is and come around." ~ HowlPen
"NTA. One of the reasons I dislike the holidays is because it's all money/consummerism driven."
"Who gives the most expensive gifts, what you get in return, etc. I hate it."
"I tried to plan a family weekend for everyone to go to once for Xmas; granted, it was centered around the kids, but I was broke and still scraped money for the tickets and hotels."
"Anyway I don't do that stuff anymore."
"It's not worth it." ~ Cat_Lady3000
"NTA. But I would relay this to your child."
"If I hear (or read) that my mom and dad are struggling this much, I would die."
"This would absolutely break my heart into a million pieces."
"My heart breaks for you, dear internet stranger 💔 I’m so sorry."
"These really are tough times."
"I would FaceTime or call your child 1:1 and have this convo."
"Let them know you would love nothing more than to have them come visit because you want to see them and spend time with them above all else."
"My hope for you is they come loaded with necessities as gifts for you or some cash or take you guys to stock up on things while they visit." ~ CutFootloose5
"NTA. Your family should come to visit without the expectation of gifts."
"Life is especially hard sometimes and hard times can happen to any of us."
"Just don’t get gifts since they aren’t appreciated anyway." ~ Glittering-Heart-293
"I would recommend not hosting until you can get back on your feet."
"To be clear, there is no shame in being frugal, but to extend yourself only to have the efforts be unappreciated can only mean bad things for your relationship with your husband and his family."
"Send a pretty holiday card and call it a wrap." ~ JellyCat222
"NTA, say we're really struggling to keep the lights on, pay bills, and have food to eat."
"So no gifts this year, perhaps coming before or after Christmas would be better."
"If you can swing it, making cookies with them might be a fun tradition, or crafts. The best memories I have as a kid were the stuff I made and did not get any of the gifts." ~ Objective_Attempt_14
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your kid and her partner need to understand.
What are they buying for you?
Sorry you have to deal with this.
Try to have a happy holiday.
