Everyone has a different vision for what they would like the different special events of their lives to play out, especially their wedding day.
But sometimes people get so hung up on creating the perfect, aesthetic wedding day, they forget about what's truly important, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Low_Savings6737 was touched when their sister invited their twin daughters to be her flower girls, but when she added that she wanted them to walk down the aisle with her dog, who terrified them, they knew it wasn't going to work out.
But when their sister gave them an ultimatum, saying the girls could attend as flower girls or not at all, the Original Poster (OP) was at a loss for how their sister was handling the situation.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to let my twin daughters walk down the aisle with my sister's hyper chihuahua?"
The OP's twin daughters were excited to be flower girls at their aunt's wedding.
"My sister is getting married over MLK weekend, and she's asked my five-year-old twin daughters to be part of the wedding as flower girls."
"I was excited and so were the girls (she stupidly asked the girls before asking me and my wife)."
But as their sister shared more details, the OP became increasingly concerned.
"After the girls had gone to sleep, she casually mentioned that the girls would be walking down the aisle with Rambo, her fur baby (Chihuahua)."
"She said that she already got a little tuxedo for Rambo to wear."
"Here's the issue: my girls are terrified of Rambo. He's hyper and is always barking at them has even snapped a few times (not biting, but enough to scare them)."
"One of the twins actually peed in her pants once when Rambo 'was just trying to say hello.'"
The OP's sister would hear none of their concerns.
"I tried to explain this to my sister, but she insists that Rambo is the most important part of her special day."
"Now, she's told me that if the girls won't participate with Rambo then they can't come to the wedding at all."
"She says it's her day, and promises that Rambo will be nice and that it will be so cute to see the girls dressed up with a 'little man' in a tuxedo."
"I think this is unfair and unreasonable. My girls are five, scared of Rambo, and shouldn't have to do something that terrifies them."
"But she's calling me unsupportive and claims I'm being selfish for not helping her 'vision' come to life."
"AITAH for refusing to let my daughters walk down the aisle with Rambo?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt that the chihuahua's involvement in the wedding was a recipe for disaster.
"Do NOT force your girls into being with an overexcited ill-behaved dog that might well bite them! Even if they weren't already scared of him, this is a foreseeable disaster."
"In fact, since your daughters are now uninvited, uninvite yourselves too, and take them someplace fun for the day. Tell your sister that it was your way of celebrating her special day." - Teton2775
"I'd put it this way: would you rather be alone attending the wedding of a piece of s**t sister who doesn't care if she traumatizes and possibly seriously injures your children? Or would you rather spend the day with your real family where people love and care about each other?"
"This is the perfect opportunity for family fun. Your daughters aren't going, and they're probably going to feel bad about that, so you should give them the great day they deserve."
"PS. Screenshot all of your sisters' wedding-related messages. I almost guarantee she's going to make this your fault for 'ruining HER day,' so you'll want receipts in case she tries to turn extended family against you." - BlastBurne
"Tell your sister her 'vision' doesn't jive with reality, wish her a lovely wedding day, and tell her that since your kids aren't invited you won't be coming either, since leaving two five-year-olds home alone makes about as much sense as bringing a reactive Chihuahua to a wedding." - Whiteroses7252012
"NTA. And your sister isn't really thinking this through, when her twin five-year-old nieces run away from the dog screaming in terror during the ceremony, it won't be 'cute.'" - Thistime232
"NTA. I would pull the whole family out of the wedding if this is the stupid yappy snappy hill your sister has chosen to die on. Take the kids somewhere fun and keep their minds off their unbelievably selfish aunt." - pixie-ann
Others wanted to hold the groom's hand while they pointed out what the bride said about her dog.
"The OP wrote, 'She insists that Rambo is the most important part of her special day...'"
"I wonder how the groom would feel hearing that?"
"And Rambo wearing a tuxedo essentially makes the groom himself superfluous in the ceremony. He's the 'spare,' because Rambo is gonna be running things as the real man of the house, while sister says, 'He's nice, he's just playing... Stop making a big deal out of it, they are just small bites... Look, you're not even bleeding hardly.'"
"Brother-in-law-to-be, you are in for an adventure with Rambo, First Blood..." - HowardBannister3
"The groom should maybe be concerned that he comes after the dog in his own wedding day…" - Slow_Sherbert_5181
"What does the groom think of the effing chihuahua being 'the most important part of the day'!? That is some pitiful s**t." - Mermaid467
"The 'most important' part of her WEDDING DAY is her dog. Not her fiancé, not sharing their love for one another with their family and friends."
"I'm sorry OP, but even if your daughters weren't afraid of Rambo, your sister still could do with reminding that she's not marrying her dog (I hope) and she should have other priorities on this day in particular."
"You are NTA. In my opinion, the only thing that would make you be is if you either a) forced your girls to do it; or b) attended without them if she disinvites them." - SecksySequin
"I think that Sis has already answered your question, OP. Since 'Rambo is the most important part of her special day,' that stinkin' dog can walk down the aisle by himself. She can feed him whole flower plants the day before, and he can crap out petals on his way." - Final_Candidate_7603
"I feel like if he's so important to her then Rambo should 'give her away' rather than make anyone else deal with him." - ALostAmphibian
"Why not have Rambo walk down with one of the bridesmaids, and then she can hand the leash to a groomsman? Then he can stand with the other 'men' in tuxedos on the far side away from the girls? No one frightened, problem solved." - Mmm_lemon_cakes
Some theorized that this was the bride's way of getting the child-free wedding she wanted without having to look like a bridezilla.
"Is it a child-free wedding besides this? If not, she is basically threatening the children. If it is, she is basically threatening the children. Did she tell the kids the dog would be with them when she asked them before you?" - Mean_Muffin161
"Is it a child-free wedding? If so, it makes sense that the flower girls would be allowed to attend as an exception and the exception would be removed if they weren't part of the wedding."
"It sounds to me like she WANTS it to be child-free and this would be an easy way to remove your kids from her day without making herself look bad (even though this whole situation makes her look bad)." - stirritup
"NTA. Your kids' safety comes first if your sister's response is, 'if they don't do this, they can't come.'"
"Well, find something for you and your family to do that day instead. Your sister is incredibly selfish."
"My friend had something similar, but it was a family photo (grandparent, both sides, siblings, kids, and a few dogs and two cats; yeah, it was A LOT!). One kiddo was super afraid of one of the dogs, so he was put on his dad's shoulders kind of to the side/behind his wife while she held their baby in the side baby wrap."
"The kid was all smiles (and the babies slept). It's a great photo! The cats are adventure cats so they love the outdoors and one of the dogs is theirs too."
"NOT ONE PERSON THAT WAS THERE WAS UPSET THAT THAT KIDDO WAS AFRAID OF THE DOG! They worked it out so everyone was in the photo and no one was left out."
"Your sister needs a lesson in kindness and humility." - Sailing_Away123
"The dog's name is Rambo... of course. I love the little beasts, but Chi's are notoriously unstable and angry and without training, they're worse."
"You said, 'One of the twins actually peed in her pants once when Rambo 'was just trying to say hello.'"
"You know your child is terrified, why is participation even a question? You support the people who you create. Your children are on this earth because you made them. Their safety and comfort is your priority. Your sister is not."
"Plus, 'Now, she's told me that if the girls won't participate with Rambo then they can't come to the wedding at all.'"
"I don't think this is the threat she thinks it is! Five-year-old girls won't find a wedding fun three minutes into getting their hair pulled and yanked into some wedding style, or when they're walking down the aisle with hundreds of people staring at them (even without a psycho Chi snarling at their feet)."
"Weddings are boring. Receptions are tiring. OP, your sister just gave you a Get Out of Jail Free card!"
"Also, 'she insists that Rambo is the most important part of her special day.'"
"Getting married isn't the most important part of the special day? No matter what else happens or who is there, getting married is the goal. Sounds more like she wants a theatrical performance than to get hitched." - Twisted_thistle
"The OP wrote, 'But she's calling me unsupportive and claims I'm being selfish for not helping her 'vision' come to life."
"I'd be like, 'I'm sorry you feel that way, sis, but obviously my greater duty here is as a parent. As smart as Rambo is, I don't think he understands promises or wedding parties. And hey, it doesn't matter, because he's the most important part of of your special day anyway!'"
"Don't fight her on the girls not attending the wedding. The fun part of being a flower girl is getting a fancy dress and lots of attention, so simply offer them a fantastic substitute."
"Let them pick out beautiful dresses. If you're lucky, you have a good thrift store near you, but either way, you won't pay more than you would for the flower girl dresses. Add tiaras if they're into that, or a sparkly necklace."
"Tell them they will be wearing the dresses for a fantastic and fancy evening out with Mom and Dad, or better yet, send them an invitation. Let them choose a restaurant, even if it's hilariously off-key like Sicily's Pizza or Waffle House, lol (laughing out loud). Dress up to the nines yourselves. Make sure the car is washed and cleaned out."
"If you can pull it off, have a friend help them get ready so you can 'pick them up.' Present them each with a lovely bouquet from the grocery store, and let them carry them to the restaurant. Or a basket filled with small flowers, that they can hand out to everyone they meet that night."
"Have a ready explanation for when you are asked what is being celebrated. We just wanted our girls to have an evening as special as they are, or some such."
"If the actual flower girl part is important to them, you can ask if they'd be the flower girls for your anniversary celebration (who cares when your anniversary is, at least for this situation), and everything else can be the same."
"This could just as easily be bowling or a movie or a play, it doesn't matter as long as you are getting dressed up and going out and making your girls the center of attention." - teamglider
While the subReddit could understand having a vision for a special day, they hardly thought that scaring a pair of five-year-olds, and even putting the groom second to the beloved family dog, should be a part of anyone's wedding day vision.
If the bride valued having the people who loved her most there to celebrate this milestone, she might want to rethink her aesthetic and focus more on the people around her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp