According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), approximately 10.8% of adults aged 18-49 in the United States—around 26 million people—have food allergies.
Most people think of anaphylaxis as the inevitable result of an allegic reaction, but with food allergies, the result can also include:
- abdominal pain
- diarrhea, indigestion, nausea, bloating, passing excessive amounts of gas, vomiting, or flatulence
- hives, rashes or flushing
- cramping
- itching
- tingling lips
While not life ending, they’re still extremely unpleasant and something a person would want to avoid.
A woman with non-life threatening food allergies turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her boyfriend’s family disregard her allergies again.
Violet2477 asked:
“AITA for ‘ruining’ my boyfriend’s family dinner by bringing my own food?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m 28 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. I have several food allergies: gluten, dairy, and shellfish.”
“My boyfriend’s family invited me over for a big homemade dinner. I told his mom ahead of time that I have allergies.”
“They already know this, but I remind them because I’ve had a couple of incidents with them because of this. And she said, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll have something for you!’.”
“When I got there, everything had at least one ingredient I couldn’t eat. I didn’t want to make a fuss or go hungry, so I discreetly pulled out a Tupperware meal I made at home and started eating it.”
“My boyfriend’s mom looked offended and said I was being disrespectful and that I didn’t trust her cooking. Their excuse is that since we don’t see them very often it’s just an effort.”
“The worst thing is that it’s not the first time it’s happened. My boyfriend’s family is one of those old-fashioned families who believe that getting sick two or three times will make you strong enough to not get sick again in the future.”
“Later my boyfriend told me I embarrassed him and should’ve just ‘eaten around’ the allergens to keep the peace. My boyfriend then tells me we could go eat after dinner.”
“I told him that it wasn’t just the food, but also the utensils because of cross-contamination. He told me that I was overreacting because none of my allergies were life-threatening.”
“Imagine my face, but at some point that’s why it made me think he is really right or not.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I let his mom know about my allergies ahead of time, and she assured me there would be food I could eat.”
“When I arrived, none of the dishes were safe for me. I didn’t want to go hungry or make a scene, so I quietly took out a meal I had packed just in case and ate it.”
“His mom saw me and looked upset, and later told me I was rude and didn’t trust her. My boyfriend said I embarrassed him and should’ve ‘just picked around’ the food to be polite.”
“I believe I might be the a**hole because the action I took—bringing and eating my own food at their family dinner—might have been seen as disrespectful to the host, especially after she told me she’d accommodate me.”
“I didn’t tell her ahead of time I was bringing my own food, and I didn’t try to talk to her about the situation before eating it. I can see how that could’ve made her feel dismissed or insulted, even though it wasn’t my intention.”
“The action that should be judged is that I brought and ate my own prepared food to my boyfriend’s family dinner without telling his mother, even though she didn’t provide the food.”
“This action could make me look like an idiot, since if I knew about the situation with his mother because it happened to me on previous occasions, I should have talked to her about it instead of doing it secretly.”
“By eating my own food without talking to her first, I may have made her feel like I didn’t value or trust her efforts. That could be considered disrespectful to her as a host, so I wonder if I was wrong.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I hate when people understand ‘I am allergic’ as ‘I dislike’; one can be life-threatening or make you very sick; it is not a matter to take lightly.” ~ Any_Dragonfruit_6543
“I am allergic to pork. That means I cannot eat dishes of/with pork chops, bacon, ham, lard, etc…”
“My in-laws invited me over and served a ‘chicken stew’. It was so delicious that I had a second helping.”
“At about 2:00 AM, I awoke as my stomach began to explode—via both ends. I was so sick I couldn’t even keep down water and was becoming dehydrated, & starting to pass out.”
“My husband was getting ready to take me to the hospital when my neighbor got up with her newborn and saw my lights on through her window. My husband said, ‘Who calls someone at 3:30AM?’.”
“Anyway, my neighbor had compazine suppositories and ran one over. I could finally drink some water & hospital was avoided, but I missed work the next day.”
“When my husband visited his parents later in the week, they greeted him with big smiles and said, ‘So your wife doesn’t like pork, huh?’. And laughed because they proved me wrong.”
“My husband was so angry and yelled that they might have killed me. I refused to eat at their house for years, only agreeing to come for steaks, baked potatoes, & corn on the cob made on the grill that I could watch being cooked.” ~ BoogieKnights9
“Easy NTA. They’re ‘offended’ that you’re not giving yourself allergic reactions?”
“Your boyfriend is the a**hole and a massive one for suggesting you physically suffer just for his family’s approval.” ~ SmartEpicness
“NTA. Be careful around people like this. I’ve heard horror stories of partners/family members not taking allergies seriously or thinking the individual is making them up. Hence, they try and slip them something they are allergic to just to prove a point.”
“Your partner should respect your health more and advocate for you.” ~ chipsinqueso
“So… what did your boyfriend intend for you to do, just sit there not eating at all (because ‘eating around allergens’ is a joke and could make you very sick or even kill you) the whole meal?”
“Sitting there, NOT eating anything, would have looked ‘rude’ to them as well. Your boyfriend literally wanted you to put your life at risk. He’s not a good guy, OP. Not at all. He has zero care for you.” ~ PinkedOff
“I have a milk allergy and a preservative allergy. My father-in-law once fed me milk ‘just to see what happens’. My partner packed me up, and we left immediately, all while yelling at them.”
“That’s what a real partner does.” ~ CarHuge659
“Wow. So they are idiots. If I were you, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with an idiot. No one has the right to force you to undergo poison resistance training. It is not effective with allergies, quite the opposite.” ~ SkyLightk23
“You’re the a**hole to yourself when you clearly see your boyfriend doesn’t care that his family doesn’t accommodate your allergies and still expects you to go their dinners and starve until he’s done so you can get something to eat afterwards.”
“And even worse, he doesn’t speak up for you when his family gets mad at you for not allowing them to give you food poisoning.”
“HIS FAMILY DOESN’T LIKE YOU, AND THEY’RE LETTING YOU KNOW. And your boyfriend is all good with it.” ~ _A-Q
“So was he going to enjoy the dinner that you couldn’t eat, or did he get the idea that the two of you could ‘go eat’ elsewhere AFTER you joined the table with your own food?” ~ BoogieKnights9
“That’s unreasonable. The true moral side is that people have allergies, conditions, and likes/dislikes. They are making a huge deal out of nothing.”
“The facts are that you are taking care of your health. Your intent isn’t to disrespect anyone.”
“They need to chill out. And your boyfriend isn’t any better. He is not supporting you, physically, or emotionally.” ~ Yogiktor
“Having morals here would be; showing these people that allowing people to suffer or possibly die because they don’t want to be inconvenienced has consequences.”
“Do you think they will lie to the next person with allergies and kill them?”
“I would never forgive someone who did this to me.”
“Your boyfriend doesn’t even sound like he likes you, let alone loves you.”
“Would someone who loves you not care when you are insulted and excluded? Would someone who loves you not care that you could have been hurt?”
“NTA, unless you stay with him.” ~ Ok-Strawberry-4215
“I can’t believe someone could be such an ahole to their girlfriend. Break up!”
“His mom disrespected you inviting you to eat and not giving a crap about your allergies. For her, your medical condition is something to be ignored. And when you try to take care of yourself, she gets offended.”
“You could have told her, ‘I am sorry I didn’t let you poison me with the food you know I cannot eat, and we discussed before. So sorry, I don’t want to get sick because you, for some reason, get a sick pleasure out of making me eat food I am allergic to.”
“Even better. Just cut them from your life. You need to respect yourself and your health.”
“They are perfectly OK forcing you to eat stuff that can make you sick. I bet they are willing to hide ingredients in your food to prove you don’t get sick. NTA.” ~ SkyLightk23
It sounds like this relationship isn’t healthy for the OP.
Maybe it’s time for them to make a lifestyle change.