It can be hard to co-parent.
Not every ex-couple can communicate clearly.
These types of situations can lead to a lot of problems.
Problems that were avoidable.
Redditor u/CaffeineFueledLife wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not telling my ex about parent teacher conferences and when I was going?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Kids had parent-teacher conferences last week."
"Sign-up links were sent by email."
"I met with both of their homeroom teachers and my son's gifted teacher."
"Their father did not go."
'I used to tell him everything the kids had happening and remind him several times before each thing."
"Last year, he missed 3 of my daughter's things in a week - her kindergarten music program, her dance recital (I even offered him a free ticket because he won't get a job, because she wanted him there), and her end-of-the-year luau lunch."
"I asked him why he didn't go."
"He gave excuses and said he wasn't informed of the lunch."
"I sent him a screenshot of the SS I'd sent him about it."
"He said that maybe I should tell him things instead of sending him random black pictures (my phone is on dark mode)."
"That was the last straw for me."
"I told him it wasn't even my responsibility to tell him about all of these things."
"I said he had the same capability of signing up for the school apps and emails that I did."
"I told him I wasn't doing it anymore."
"So, this year, I didn't."
"I know he didn't go."
"The sign-up links showed who had signed up for each slot."
"He wasn't on any of the lists."
"I'm going to send him copies of their report cards, and I know he's going to throw a fit because I didn't invite him."
"My friends tell me it's about time I stopped putting more effort into him being a dad than he is."
'But a couple of their husbands have told me it's really f*cked up, and I should be making sure my kids get to have a relationship with their dad."
"I just don't see it that way."
"I'm in nursing school 32 hours a week."
"Straight A's."
"I work 30 hours a week taking care of individuals with disabilities."
''I was able to schedule and show up to 3 conferences."
"He's not even employed."
"What's his excuse?"
"He yelled at me, accusing me of not inviting him to go to the kids' 'meet the teachers' thing at the beginning of the year."
"Said it seemed like I didn't want him there."
"I didn't know what he was talking about."
"Turns out, I'd missed an email."
"No idea why; it's not like I'm busy or anything."
"I told him we hadn't gone because I didn't realize it was happening, and then he asked our 8yo son if he'd met his teacher, like he thought I was lying."
"Our son said no."
"So then he looked at me and said, 'I guess I just assumed because you're usually on top of everything.'"
"Um, yeah, I am."
"But I'm not perfect."
"I dropped the ball once."
"So sue me."
"He hasn't even picked the ball up."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, am I the as*hole for not telling him this time? Sorry if I don't respond to comments tonight; I'm about to crash. Work at 7am?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Those kids are his responsibility as much as they are yours."
"What is not your responsibility is teaching him how to be a responsible parent."
"Be the best parent you can be, and let him either step up or flounder."
"Most likely the latter. NTA." ~ Opening-Sir-2504
"This is why most divorces are 'initiated' by women."
"Women do the administrative work in a marriage, which leaves them with the administrative work of filing for divorce."
"And plenty of men continue to think that their ex-wife is responsible for the administrative work of their children and therefore are obligated to act as his secretary in matters regarding the children."
"She doesn't owe her ex-husband her labor; he keeps trying to turn it into a manipulation tactic by blaming his lack of participation in their children's lives on her for not informing him."
"This is a type of post-separation abuse."
"If anyone disagrees about how common it is, it was really telling that ALL the husbands of her friends were outraged that she has stopped doing this for her EX-husband and that, by not providing him with EXTRA reminders of school events, they twisted it into 'she is denying him a relationship with his children, ' as if she is weaponizing information that is freely available to him from the source by downloading the school's app." ~ Professional_Ruin953
"Should you make sure your kids have a relationship with their dads?"
"Why do I think the marriages between your friends and their husbands are a mirror of your current situation: friends have the duty to remind remind remind make sure make sure and their husbands coast and reproach their partners when they themselves can't be bothered to remember in time?"
"I'd value the husbands' remarks with that in mind."
"NTA at all." ~ SpiritedLettuce6900
"NTA. And in every custody hearing I’ve watched, the court doesn’t make it one parent's responsibility to inform the other of events when the information is available on school apps."
"A court would tell him it’s his responsibility to sign up and check those."
"He can’t rely on you to do it when the info is accessible." ~ George_Is_Upset
"NTA - Your friend's husband is so ballsy telling you to lower the bar of expectations for your ex and handhold him through his relationship with his own kids."
"You absolutely need to tell your friends to examine their own lives if THIS is what their partners truly believe." ~ Mundane_Pie_6481
"Seriously."
"It’s absolute garbage that the husbands are even trying to make her feel guilty about not hand-holding her ex (their friend?) to be a present and interested parent."
"The most generous interpretation is that the ex has been lying to them, but I doubt it."
"They just assume women should keep making things easier for them."
"I agree; her friends need to look at what’s going on and handle it, because her friends clearly understand what’s going on." ~ Wise_Adeptness_9529
"My daughter's ex is the same way."
"She quit reminding him about things since he was already signed up to get all the emails from the school and had access to the school calendar."
"He either shows up late, on the wrong date, or not at all. Loser."
"She has all the texts where she shares information with him, but she no longer follows up with reminders."
"If he can't figure out how to maintain a calendar, that's on him."
"It is sad when my grandchild asks, 'Is Dad coming?' or 'Why didn't Dad come?'"
"She just says she doesn't know why he didn't come. NTA."
"Ex actually showed up at the school room door on 'the first day of school' to tell the kid to have a great day."
"The problem was that he came the day before school started."
"There was nobody there."
"Can't fix stupid." ~ FOCOMojo
"NTA. You aren’t his parent; you aren’t in charge of him."
"He is a father, and it’s his responsibility to step up, and he’s not." ~ Interesting-Maybe-49
"NTA as long as he has the same access to school notifications - it’s not your job to send him constant reminders to be involved with his children."
"When approaching this with him, though, I’d advise doing all you can to not get into a back-and-forth about previous issues."
"When he complains, you can say something like, 'Look, I’m not going to get into it with you again. I hope you can make the next one, but it’s your responsibility to inform yourself.'”
"Then keep directing the conversation to focus on the children’s reports."
"These kinds of people can drive you crazy with the blame game; do not engage." ~ passtheporcupine
"NTA. Your kid's dad is the one and only person responsible for building and maintaining a relationship with those kids."
"If he were asking and you were withholding information, yeah, that's not cool."
"If he has all the same app/email/etc., access as you and chooses not to engage with it, that's his problem." ~ lazy_daisy11
"NTA - I had the same problem with my ex."
"In my country, the school system has an App where all relevant information is available."
"When we split up three years ago, he expected me to inform him directly with relevant info and also send him reminders - and yelled at me when he forgot to show up."
"I put my foot down, and put in my 2-week notice as his private secretary, and stopped informing him, if I knew the info was available for him in the app."
"He is now capable of getting the info himself, and when he forgets a meeting, I am not the one he blames anymore - not to my face, anyway."
"You are doing the right thing in my opinion, and he will eventually learn to take responsibility like a proper adult, if you don’t do it for him."
"Sorry for any misspellings; it's not my first language." ~ mxk_DK
Reddit is with you, OP.
He needs to step it up.
You are not his secretary.
