Divorce sucks.
It’s painful and a huge life upheaval.
But would you or should you compare it to death?
Some may take issue.
Case in point…
Redditor New_Newspaper4911 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my friend her divorce is not the same as my fiancé dying?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Listen, I didn’t even want to get into comparing the two situations to begin with.”
“So there were more than a few occasions I let it go when my friend made the comments.”
“Anything about how that divorce is a death and she’s grieving the relationship was fine.”
“I initially wasn’t even equating it to my experience which was 3 years ago, because she’s going through it now and my experiences just aren’t even relevant.”
“But then she kept making and escalating the comments to the point of direct comparison.”
“How this must be what I went through with David dying and how all of her future dreams are dead, just like how mine were.”
“We were at a get-together and she was talking about things when someone else asked how things were going.”
“And she again brings me into the discussion of her divorce by talking about how dealing with a divorce is like watching a relationship die from cancer.”
“She gestures to me and says how she really understands now, we’re both single widows now, etc.”
“Maybe I should have bit my tongue but I just sort of blurted that it wasn’t the same thing at all.”
“Her husband didn’t die, he chose to leave, and they actually got to give marriage a shot.”
“My friend was shocked and offended, she ended up crying about how she just wanted to relate and I don’t even know if I should apologize.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA. There are limits to how sensitive and compassionate you should have to be.”
“When someone is tacky enough to continually compare your fiancé’s death to her divorce, meh, she gets what she gets.”
“I am so very sorry for your loss. Hug.” ~ Brave-Cheesecake9431
“She is definitely the AH, but I can get it.”
“Dying isn’t someone choosing to leave you. She’s in denial.” ~ Apprehensive-Jelly42
“Our neighbor, we’re not friends but we’re very close, if that makes sense?”
“She lost her husband to sudden death at a young age.”
“They had been together since she was 14 and happy and she loved him deeply.”
“She had a good job and was able to carry on financially.”
“One thing she shared (unprompted, her choice) was how difficult it was for her to deal with her anger.”
“She was angry that he died and left her alone, but how can you be reasonably angry at someone who has died?”
“It’s not their choice or their fault (in her case).”
“But yet her emotion of anger was still there, and she had to find a way to process it.”
“She felt guilty about feeling angry at him, but she still had that emotion.”
“Anyway, point is, yes, there are literally dozens of ways where the loss of a partner or spouse is just fundamentally very different than the end of a relationship.”
“And even if it weren’t – even if they both lost a loved one to death from cancer – everyone’s experience is their own.”
“How presumptuous to presume they must experience the same feelings.”
“And how insensitive to bring up someone else’s 3 year old grief in processing yours.”
“If THEY bring it up fine.”
“If YOU bring it up and force it to the forefront of their mind, you’re a tool.” ~ DevilSilver
“This… I’ve had bad break ups with a long term partner and honestly I just wanted to talk as little about it as possible.”
“Sure there was days where I would talk to a close friend and rant for a bit ‘why did this go wrong…'”
“Or how weird it felt being alone.”
“But to make it a every chance I get to gather sympathy and compare myself to widows.”
“That is just so bizarre to me.”
“I get people handle things differently in a break up/divorce.”
“But this seems so over the top to stick yourself to someone else’s grieve and make them live it all over again kind of, just to be in the spotlight.”
“Woman needs some therapy.” ~ Dangerous-WinterElf
“I’m divorced. I feel like my ex died, because the person I thought he was ceased to exist.”
“I’m only mentioning that to say this… I would never say that around anyone who had literally lost their spouse.”
“And I sure as hell wouldn’t say that I knew how they feel!”
“I have no idea how it actually feels.”
“She’s being extremely thoughtless here.” ~ SimAlienAntFarm
“Why are we assuming that she is trying to ‘get some of her status’ instead of just being incredibly tactless in putting herself and OP on the same group as a way to cope?”
“Her friend should have been more tactful.”
“But everyone in this post is ignoring the fact that OP allowed her friend to repeatedly make comments about how divorce felt like a death.”
“And draw comparisons between herself and OP.”
“The fact is that a lot of resources for coping with divorce identify it as a kind of death and say the grieving process is the same.”
“If you can make the leap that OPs friend is a narcissistic, cheating a**hole, you can make the shorter leap in logic that her friend read in one of the many divorce resources about you it was similar to a death then made comments of escalating tactlessness to OP.”
“OP doesn’t mention in the post that her friend is an a**hole in other ways so this is the much more likely unfolding of events than her friend being a narcissistic cheater.”
“OP should have indicated to her friend that this line of thinking was hurtful to her the first time it was stated and set a hard boundary.” ~ NAparentheses
“Seriously. This is as bad if not worse than calling the dead your ‘ex.'”
“She’s a divorcee and OP is a widow.”
“They are not the same.”
“OP lost her fiancé through no fault of her own.”
“She’ll never see him again.”
“This ‘friend’ will have chances to see this guy again.”
“Definitely do not apologize, OP.”
“If anything, she should be apologizing to you. NTA.”
“And know that we’re all sorry for your loss!” ~ NightWitch65
“NTA. Her remarks were insensitive.”
“She can be sad about her divorce without bringing you up into it.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.” ~ TwoCentsPsychologist
“NTA. My best friend lost her husband suddenly a few years back.”
“And I don’t ever discuss my marital issues with her because I know she’d give anything to have a petty argument with her husband if it meant having him back.”
“I cannot even imagine being widowed.”
“And I respect that her loss is unique and infinitely more painful than anything I’ve experienced to-date.”
“Do not apologize and I’m so very sorry for your loss.” ~ chefboyardeejr
“NTA- When my mom lost her husband, people would say this to her as well.”
“She also found it mind boggling because she went through a divorce, only to get remarried and have that husband die.”
“They are clearly not the same thing.”
“Your partner dying and your partner leaving you are not even in the same ballpark.”
“I used to get so pissed when people would make this comparison because it’s always people who Never lost a partner to death before.”
“I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your friend is such an idiot.” ~ rybread31299
“NTA. I’m sorry she’s going through a divorce and it’s kicking her heart’s butt.”
“But the two experiences are not comparable.”
“Her grief and experience with it stand on their own and have no need for constant comparison to the loss you suffered.”
“It’s like she’s jealous that your loss is a more ‘justified’ grief and that people will take her feelings about her divorce if she frames it that way.”
“Which is selfish and gross and wrong.”
“Maybe you need some distance from her?”
“Your reaction was very understandable, by the way.”
“You don’t owe her an apology in my opinion.” ~ CafeConCajeta
“NTA. I just tried to imagine myself saying something like that around one of my friends whose husband a few years ago.”
“The idea made me feel… rotten and cold.”
“I’m sure she is trying to relate AND trying to get attention by dramatically comparing it to something like what you experienced.”
“But why?”
“Either she lacks social skills, perspective taking ability, or she is vindictive.” ~ WildChanterelle
OP… sorry for your loss.
Reddit is in agreement, no one should be commandeering your grief.
Divorce is like death, but it’s not death.
It maybe time for a little distance for you and your friend.