So often a person is dealing with their own health issues, or with a close friend of family member's.
Redditor Lazy_Cheesecake4424 had a health scare a few years back requiring a biopsy. The procedure left a scar and it's taken the Original Poster (OP) awhile not to be self-conscious about it.
The OP recently had a beach day with friends. A friend of a friend was there and asked the OP to cover up her biopsy scar.
The OP, while understanding the reasoning behind the question, decidedly declined the request.
However, the friend group is now telling her she was the a**hole.
The OP sought out subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to cover my scar and wearing a bikini as it triggered my friend?"
She went on to explain the full situation:
"I [24-year-old female] had a cancer scare a few years back and had a biopsy done on my upper leg. The scar has faded now, but it is still fairly noticeable and about 7cm long."
"Thankfully, it was only a scare and nothing came of it."
"For a while I was insecure about it and stopped wearing skirts or tight leggings where you could see the outline of the scar..."
"...but now that I'm accepted it's going to be there, I started to wear whatever and realised nobody cares about it apart from the odd question."
"We went to the beach yesterday as a friend group and I wore a bikini. I was excited to get a tan and my friend Anna brought her other friend Dana [25-year-old female]."
"I have met her before but don't know her very well, however I do know she started a fundraiser for her mom who is fighting cancer right now."
"Dana's family situation is quite difficult as her dad passed away recently and her mom has stage 4 and Dana is juggling a lot."
"I came earlier than Anna and Dana so I was already in my bikini when they joined us and Dana was nice to me and asked about my new job."
"Then Anna went to say hi to the others and Dana mentioned my scar and recognised it was a biopsy."
"She asked if I could wear a beach cover up and it was triggering to her and insensitive of me as I know her mum is going through it right now."
"I said no I'm here to get a tan and the cover-up will ruin that Dana didn't say anything but didn't talk to me for the rest of the day."
"Today Anna texted me telling me Dana told her what happened, and while she agrees Dana's comment was weird..."
"...I should have given her a free pass as she is not in the best place mentally right now. I said it was really weird and no I wouldn't."
"I genuinely don't think I am in the wrong and think she's being really weird about the situation. Obviously if I am in the wrong I will apologise."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA at all. While I feel for her and what she's going through, it is absolutely not ok to ask someone to put a coverup on due to a scar."
"If someone has a trigger, it is their responsibility to handle it, not everyone else's to change for them."
"You're at the beach; it is completely acceptable that you wear your bikini. And good for you for not letting your scar deter you from what you want to do!" - patters1079
"NTA at all"
"It's ridiculous that she expected you to cover up like that. Her triggers are her responsibility to manage, not have others accommodate to her."
"If the scar is too much for her, she can remove herself from the situation." - BulbasaurRanch
"NTA. Her triggers are hers to manage, your body your choice and also you should feel comfortable and wear what you like."
"She may not be in the best place mentally right now so I do hope she will realize that what she did is immature, not sure what to think of your other friend though" - Due_Battle_5150
"NTA whatsoever. Expecting someone else to adjust their appearance because she feels 'triggered' is not how the world works. She needs to toughen up."
"Sure she's going through some sh*t, but who isn't? It's not a free pass. If anything, she should feel more sympathetic to your scarring." - notforcommentinohgoo
"NTA - you had a cancer scare and that's why you have a scar, her asking you to cover up is weird and like she's saying only her family matters when it comes to the effects of cancer."
"Would she ask someone going through cancer treatment to cover up? If someone is bald, does she ask them to hide it because it's 'triggering'?"
"She doesn't get a free pass just because her life is tough right now." - CanadianCutiexox
"NTA."
"Your friend Dana is full of crap to be triggered over a scar. She must live a really sheltered life or is just looking to start drama to make herself feel better." - [deleted]
"NTA."
"People with triggers are responsible for protecting themselves from those triggers. You bear exactly ZERO responsibility for shielding them."
"Don't like squirrels? Stay outta the woods. The forest doesn't have to close."
"Don't like dogs? Don't go to dog parks, and the park doesn't have to close."
"Don't like cancer scars? Don't go to a place where people wear revealing swimwear. But no one at the beach is beholden AT ALL for catering to you."
"So again, if you have triggers, that means YOU have a responsibility to avoid them. The world at large does not acquire any new responsibilities." - FakinFunk
"NTA"
"I've had open heart surgery as a baby and as you can guess I've got the scars to prove it."
"One of the first times I wore a bikini a middle aged lady came up to me and yelled at me for not covering up my horrible? scar."
"Luckily my twin sister yelled back at her to mind her own business, while I just stood there completely taken aback. ."
"I'm sure you are with me that that lady was out of line, right?"
"Well. What Dana did was a polite version of what that lady did. Being polite does not make it right." - life1sart
"NTA. You weren't shoving your scar in her face. She didn't have to be looking at it. It was unreasonable for her to ask you to cover it up." - FuzzyMom2005
"NTA. It's possible she was misplacing her sadness and fear about her mom and taking it out on you."
"Sometimes it's easier to be angry at someone than to deal with the actual root cause of your feelings" - likedyoumore
"NTA, assuming you were polite when you refused, you DID give her a pass. Her request was pretty far outside what's considered polite/ acceptable" - sady_eyed_lady
"Nta in any way. Dana needs to figure out how to deal with life. She has no right telling you what to wear so she doesn't get 'triggered'."
"That's her responsibility to learn to deal with it. And it's a scar. Lots of people have them!" - Creighton2023
"NTA I'm a cancer survivor & she can F right off. People have scars for all sorts of reasons & she won't know the cause of most of them."
"Will they be triggering too? I suspect the real cause is that you looked awesome in your bikini & she was insecure about herself." - tktam
"NTA, Her triggers are for her to deal with not you, you don't have to change to please those around you."
"Not to mention the whole reason for the scar, which was the investigation to determine whether or not you had skin cancer." - ashyjay
"NTA This whole 'triggering' thing is nonsense. If Dana doesn't like seeing your scar she can look away, or go somewhere else. It's a free country." - Performance_Lanky
"NTA."
"I'm currently an old, out-of-shape guy. If you need someone to keep her away from you while you tan, let me know."
"I'll see if I can get a life-size cut out of me in a mankini to have next to you. She won't be triggered by your scar anymore...🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣" - HMS_Slartibartfast
"She's not the only one that has life issues. We all do. You can't help your scar and shouldn't be made to feel self-conscious or that you are triggering someone by something you can't help."
"I'm sure bringing up your scar to you was triggering of the time you went through with it too, but you didn't complain."
"Glad your biopsy was nothing sinister!" - Chlobear87
Our triggers are our responsibility.
What would you have done in this situation? Let us know in the comments below.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.