When we get involved in a relationship, there’s going to be a wide variety of things that we are comfortable and uncomfortable with.
Even if we don’t totally agree with our partner about what makes them uncomfortable, one of our goals should be to help them feel comfortable again, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
When friends were visiting, Redditor ThrowRA-eel was shocked by how physically close one of her female friends kept being with her husband.
But when she talked to her husband about it, and he dismissed her concerns, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was worrying too much about boundaries.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for leaving a dinner party after a girl sat on my husband’s lap?”
The OP’s husband was very close to his best friend’s younger sister.
“I am still so shaken with everything, so sorry for my rambling.”
“My husband (Jake) and I (both age 25) have been married for three years, and from the beginning, he was very close with his best friend’s sister, Cindy (18 Female).”
“Well, my husband would often talk about her and tell how he had seen her grow up throughout the years. Cindy is always very bubbly and seems very fond of Jake, as well.”
“I remember when we were dating, she would ask to come along on our dates a lot. I never really said anything as I liked spending time with her, as well. She was like a little sister to me.”
“When we announced our engagement, she told my husband to ‘better not forget her’ after becoming a married man and to still hang out with her.”
When we got married, I even made her my bridesmaid.”
The OP and her husband lost touch with Cindy for a while.
“Soon, we moved to a different state and kind of lost contact. Jake’s best friend came to stay with us for some time, and Cindy came along, as well.”
“The moment she saw us, the first thing she said was how hot my husband had gotten, and she was glad he didn’t look like those boring married men.”
“Then throughout their stay, Cindy would just ignore my presence and would be way too close with Jake. I told Jake that it was looking a bit inappropriate and to ask Cindy to tone it down.”
“But he said that Cindy is just a bit childish and is that way with everybody.”
Cindy’s behavior worsened at a friendly gathering.
“Well, on their last day visiting, we decided to host a dinner party for everybody.”
“During the party, I was with Jake when Cindy came and told me, ‘Oh, I need to steal your husband for a while,’ and before I could say something, she grabbed Jake’s hand and took him to play games.”
“I ignored it since it was their last day, but then throughout the dinner, she was getting way too close with Jake and would just drag him away whenever I would be around while giggling at me.”
But Cindy took it too far at the dinner table.
“When everybody sat for dinner, I sat beside Jake, and Cindy came to the table last.”
“She then said, ‘Oh, there is no seat,’ and then just went and sat on my husband’s lap.”
“Everybody was surprised and Jake said, laughing, ‘Cindy, stop acting like a kid, you are not a kid anymore.'”
“Cindy started laughing, saying it was a joke, and got up and sat on another seat while giggling at me.”
The OP couldn’t put up with any more of Cindy’s behavior.
“I was so angry with the disrespect and with the fact that Jake was so cool with it, but I didn’t want to say anything bad, so I excused myself, took my car, and went out.”
“An hour later, Jake called me, asking where I was.”
“I told him I was going to my friend’s house and I would come after Cindy left.”
“I know what I did was terrible, but I was so angry at that time that if I had stayed there any longer, I would have probably started fighting or crying.”
The OP’s husband and Cindy both lashed out at her.
“I came the next day, and Cindy and her family had left.”
“Jake was very p**sed and said I took things too far. I started crying and told him how everything made me feel. He said I was horrible to think such things about Cindy and that she was like his sister.”
“I told him that I was not doubting his intentions but that I was hurt by how disrespectful Cindy’s behavior was and that he was enabling her by not saying anything.”
“He started saying that I sounded ridiculous and couldn’t even take a joke (referring to the sitting on lap incident).”
“I said that I don’t want her in my house again, regardless.”
“To top it off, Cindy sent a message saying that she was sorry about making me so insecure in myself, and that she would make sure to make me feel better, but I should not have left as it was pretty childish and kind of spoiled the mood.”
“It felt so backhanded, I didn’t reply anything to her.”
The OP and her husband got into a terrible argument.
“I just told my husband he needed to maintain a distance from Cindy.”
“He asked if I was giving him an ultimatum.”
“I said maybe I was if he would go so far as to disregard and disrespect my feelings for Cindy.”
“This really rubbed my husband the wrong way and he said since I had such disgusting thoughts in my mind, and was giving him an ultimatum anyway, then he might as well leave because he cannot leave with such an insecure person who has such disgusting thoughts about him.”
“He packed a bag and left for his mother’s place. I have tried apologizing numerous times, telling him how sorry I was for everything, but he has ignored all of my texts and calls.”
“Later, Cindy’s brother, Shawn, texted me and called me a bunch of names to think like that about his sister, saying Jake should just leave me, adding that a disgusting person like me deserves to be alone.”
“I could not stop crying after that. I don’t know how to fix this. Is there a way to even come back? Was I so wrong to deserve this? I don’t know anymore.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some found the OP to be NTA to everyone but herself.
“NTA. Your only mistake was apologizing to your husband as if his accusations were fair.” – Top-Bit85
“She had nothing to apologize for. Now her apology justifies their actions as making it seem like they did nothing wrong, but she did since she is apologizing. I would go as far as taking back the apology.” – bluewolvesatknight
“She has no reason to apologize. and the fact that he is ignoring her apologies, it’s giving 10-year-old tantrum vibes.” – Environmental_Cup386
“NTA, but why are you apologizing? They are all gaslighting you He wants to leave fine get a lawyer and start a divorce.” – Serendipity_1310
“NTA, and PLEASE don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong and I wouldn’t even be able to look at my husband after this. It wasn’t one thing that set you off, it was multiple little incidents that built up, and you reasonably couldn’t handle it anymore! Throw the whole man in the trash.” – suhhhrena
“The fact that he dismissed her feelings is such a red flag for me. If my wife told me she got the ick about a situation, my first priority is to make her feel comfortable. If that means my best friend can’t bring his sister over for the rest of their stay, then so be it.”
“I plan on spending forever with her and I’ll be d**ned if this type of situation gets in the way of that.” – Livid-Dog-1918
Others agreed and reassured the OP that her husband should care about her comfort.
“NTA. Your husband should care about making you uncomfortable. You pointed out it was inappropriate, and he blew it off, to the point that she sat in his lap and even he had to say something (not because he was upset but because everyone was looking).”
“He is disregarding his own encouragement of the behavior and gaslighting you to try and make it a you problem.”
“He is a married man who is letting a young woman sit in his lap and intentionally disrespect his wife. You don’t have a problem with Cindy; you have a problem with your husband. This level of disrespect to one’s spouse is unacceptable.” – 777joeb
“As someone five years into a marriage, there are only two people I really give a s**t about: myself and my wife. There is no situation anymore that I care about making some friends or coworkers, etc., feel awkward or uncomfortable instead of my wife. “
“posts always seem crazy when someone blows up at their spouse over ‘you made my friend’s sibling feel weird,’ like, how could you possibly care about that over the feelings of the person you spend 99% of your life with.” – the_dayman
“I feel like if this was my husband and some girl sat on his lap, regardless of me being there or not, he would have pushed her onto the ground. I can’t even say it’s an age thing because we started dating when we were undergrads in college, and he still would have reacted the same way then. This guy needs to have a lot more respect for his wife.” – secretsloth
“I would be willing to give my husband the benefit of the doubt if this happened to him (which it wouldn’t), but the moment I say it makes me feel disrespected he would immediately do whatever it takes to make me feel better.”
“The bigger red flag is not that OP’s husband has some 18-year-old attention seeker flirting with him but that when OP shared her feelings he said it was disgusting and left, then refused to take her calls.”
“There will always be things in life that make you feel uncomfortable and your partner may think they are not big deals, but how he responds in those situations says a lot.” – yesnomaybesejou
“Your husband likes the attention, and he does not respect your feelings.”
“The OP said, ‘I told him that I was not doubting his intentions, but I was hurt by how disrespectful Cindy’s behavior was, and he was enabling her by not saying anything. He started saying that I sounded ridiculous and couldn’t even take a joke.'”
“Cindy is a grown woman, not a child. She is not trying to sit on his lap like he is Santa Claus, she is clearly flirting and there are zero boundaries between them. Does she sit on his lap when it is just the two of them, as well? What else happens?”
“Your feelings are not ridiculous. Your unsupportive and self-absorbed husband is ridiculous. This woman blaming you for being hurt over her antics with your life partner is ridiculous. Do not let them gaslight you. Even if there is no affair yet, there is the groundwork for one being made right in front of you.” – MercyForNone
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“Thank you for all of your responses. Now I know my feelings are valid and boundaries were crossed by Cindy.”
“During the dinner, there was Cindy, her brother Shawn and his girlfriend, and their cousin Derek (also a good friend of my husband) with his boyfriend. So I called Derek and asked about the situation and what happened after I left.”
“He was sympathetic and said that after I left, at first they thought I would come back after some time, though things were really awkward.”
“But when I didn’t come back, Shawn’s girlfriend told Cindy that she was so disrespectful for doing that. Derek and his boyfriend also said the same thing.”
“To this, Cindy started crying, saying they didn’t have to corner her and attack her over a silly joke, that she didn’t know it would get so out of hand. She then left the room while crying.”
“Jake didn’t know what to say, and everybody left early the next day.”
As it turned out, this wasn’t the first time Cindy had behaved this way.
“Derek also told that Cindy has always had issues with boundaries, and when he introduced his boyfriend to everybody, Cindy got too close and would joke that she was just checking if he was really gay.”
“They were really uncomfortable with it, as well, so Derek confronted her. Cindy rolled her eyes, said they couldn’t take a joke and eventually stopped.”
“This all sounded so bizarre to me; I don’t know what’s going on with Cindy.”
“Shawn’s girlfriend also texted me, saying she was sorry for what happened.”
“I told her how Shawn’s message was inappropriate, but she had no idea about the text, so I sent her a screenshot and asked her to tell Shawn not to harass me again. She was very apologetic and said she would talk to him.”
The OP’s mother-in-law then intervened.
“Now my Mother-in-Law (MIL) called and asked what was going on as Jake didn’t tell her and only said we had an argument.”
“I was a bit hesitant to tell but eventually told everything.”
“She was furious at my husband. She said they will be coming to have a talk.”
“I am just waiting for them to arrive and am really nervous.”
After another important conversation happened, the OP shared another update.
“My mil came with my husband and the ‘talk’ happened. A lot of things were said, but I will try to summarize.”
“Jake apologized to me first and tried to explain his point of view. He said that he was angry because, first, I left without saying anything for the whole night when he was literally trying to diffuse the situation and tried to laugh it off because it was so awkward he didn’t know what else to do, but instead of communicating, I just left him in that weird situation.”
“He was meeting his friends after such a long time and just wanted the dinner to be peaceful. Cindy was going back anyway, and we would most likely never meet her again.”
The OP’s husband claimed not to know how to end the behavior.
“Second, he acknowledged Cindy was indeed overstepping boundaries but he didn’t know how to bring it up since he has literally seen her growing up and she is like a little sister to him, also she acts like that with everyone.”
“He thought that it was just for a few days and he wanted no drama during their stay so he would just brush it off. He did acknowledge he was wrong about not saying anything.”
“And third, he was already really worried and sad because of how I just left with no explanations. Even after I came to him about Cindy, not once had I asked how he felt. He was also very overwhelmed with everything and felt I was accusing him of not doing anything when he literally pushed her off as politely as possible when she tried to sit.”
“He felt I was attacking his character and even gave the ultimatum, which made him so sad as he felt if I thought that little of him. It wasn’t about Cindy, but about how easy it was for me to question his sincerity. He said after that dinner he was going to go extremely low contact with her anyways.”
“Fourth, he apologized for not speaking up about Cindy’s disrespect toward me and for also leaving like that.”
The OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) stepped in and scolded the OP’s husband.
“After everything Jake said, my MIL explained the situation from her perspective. She scolded him a lot as well.”
“In short, she told him that as a husband it was his responsibility to make me feel like I was his priority and that he disappointed me the moment I had to come to him to ask for establishing boundaries. As a husband, it was his duty that I never would have to come to him about this in the first place.”
“She also asked him how he would have felt had it been a guy on my lap, and he had no answer to it. She told him how what I did was an eruption of suppressed feelings, and as a husband, it was his duty to go after me and never let me leave in the first place.”
“There were a lot of things said by her and Jake seemed to realise and sincerely apologized for his actions. She told him if he ever pulled such a stunt ever again, then to not expect her to take him in.”
The OP and her mother-in-law then had an important heart-to-heart.
“Later, she took me for a walk. It was just the two of us, and there she explained some things to me as well. She said that she was sorry for everything, but she told me that even at her house, Jake was distraught. He didn’t tell her because he most likely knew he was wrong too but was overwhelmed about everything as well.”
“She said she in no way excused her son’s behavior but would hope that I would forgive him. She also said that in no circumstances do I need to leave my house as it was my house and my family.”
“She said I shouldn’t be afraid to speak my mind if anything makes me uncomfortable and to talk to her if Jake does something stupid again, and she will ‘set him straight.'”
“She hoped we work it out since she has seen our love for each other, and it would be sad to see us split up due to some disrespectful brat (her words).”
“She said she could not have a say in our issues, but suggested that we should get counseling to understand each other better. She even bought ice cream for me (I know it’s a bit childish but she said sweet things work as a charm when people are upset, and well, she was right).”
The OP and her husband cleared the air about Shawn’s texts, as well.
“It was awkward that night. Jake came to our room and we didn’t know what to say. After a while, we talked and both apologized to each other.”
“However, I did tell him that I was angry at him for telling everything to Shawn and was deeply hurt by the text he sent me.”
“He said he didn’t know what I was talking about and I showed him the texts.”
“He said he didn’t tell Shawn about our fight and only told him that he was at mom’s place.”
“He called Shawn and, well, it turns out Shawn talked to Cindy and told her how she went too far at the party. Then Cindy made a huge sob story about how I was passive-aggressive with her the whole time, how I would always try to question her character and act insecure and jealous.”
“She even went on to say that I was always like that with her, even when she was a kid, and that I never liked her and always tried to manipulate people into thinking I was an angel while she was a sl*t.”
“Well, thinking about how I have been treating Cindy made him angry, and he sent those texts.”
“Jake and I were baffled by such accusations, and he tried to explain to Shawn how it wasn’t true, but then Jake just let it be and decided to have no contact with Cindy and extremely low contact with Shawn.”
“Jake apologized again, and we just cuddled and slept.”
“Cindy is out of our lives for good now and we have decided to go counseling for better communication in the future.”
The OP’s husband took another step, which the OP shared in a final update.
“I read comments saying we should stop contacting Shawn, too, and I felt that it would be best to let that friendship go, as well, so I talked to my husband about it, and he agreed.”
“So he sent a text to Shawn, stating we could not be friends with him, and then blocked him, as well.”
“To clarify, I have somewhat forgiven Jake for his actions, but I told him he needs to rebuild the trust I had so I know I can rely on him in situations like this.”
“He agreed and we will get couple’s counseling, as well.”
“Thank you all for your comments and support; you made me feel less lonely in this.”
The subReddit couldn’t stop shaking their heads at Cindy’s behavior and how the OP’s husband poorly handled the situation. They were grateful that the OP’s friends had taken accountability for their involvement and also that her mother-in-law had stepped in to mediate a tough conversation.
Sometimes it really takes a village, and not just for raising a child.