Privilege.
Who has it?
Who wants it?
It seems to cause quite the divide in relationships.
Some take it for granted and never see their luck.
And others see it and don't particularly care for it.
So what do to with it?
Case in point...
Redditor Wise-Bobcat-75 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my friend that her success is built on handouts and she doesn't get to make comments on other people?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (F[emale] 32) have a 'friend' who we'll call Ellie (F 32)."
"I've known Ellie since we were around 7, and our mothers are good friends."
"Ellie has had a very, very privileged life."
"Her dad is a lawyer and her mom is a dentist, so as you can imagine."
"Ellie had a lot more luxuries and opportunities than your average person."
"She grew up going to private schools, having private tutors, going on fancy vacations every year, etc."
"I won't go into too much detail but I definitely didn't have a life that was anything like Ellie's."
"Ellie never had to get a job until she went into residency in medical school when she was 26."
"When we finished high school at 18, Ellie initially went to business school for 2 years before dropping out, then pursuing medical school."
"Her parents paid all of her tuition and all of her living expenses so Ellie never struggled financially and never had to worry about money."
"Plus her mother got Ellie volunteering opportunities so she could get references on her medical school applications."
"Ellie is now a qualified pediatrician."
"I'm glad she was able to find a career path she enjoys and I'm proud of her for finishing school."
"I know medical school is no walk in the park, I myself am a veterinarian."
"A few weeks ago, we went to a town event and we bumped into some of my old friends from high school."
"We chatted for a few minutes and one of them proudly mentioned she finished nursing school."
"When we went to my house after the event, Ellie made a very rude comment about my old friend, saying that 'I bet she was just too dumb to go to medical school' and went on about how great she is."
"I told Ellie that what she said was rude and uncalled for."
"Ellie said it was the truth."
"I snapped and told Ellie 'you only became a doctor by getting handouts, you don't get to make comments about other people.'"
"Ellie started yelling at me and telling me that I'm a jerk for undermining her hard work and that she still had to work for where she is now."
"I told her that I know she still had to work hard, but most people don't have parents who can pay all their tuition and living expenses, and she had it easier."
"Ellie called me a jerk again and said I'm ignorant, and that she still had to work hard."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA Ellie is a hypocrite."
"Ellie started yelling at me and telling me that I'm a jerk for undermining her hard work and that she still had to work for where she is now."
"And yet Ellie said..."
"Saying that 'I bet she was just too dumb to go to medical school' and went on about how great she is."
"So if she worked hard and got to where she is now, why didn't your other friend get the same good job for finishing nursing school."
"Ellie is literally looking down on a profession that is needed for medical facilities to work."
"She makes doctors look bad."
"Edit to add many well say ESH because of your rude firing back but missed the part where you first told her she didn't have to be rude." ~ AsuraRathalos
"I tend to agree with you."
"She didn’t undermine her hard work, in fact she agreed she had to work hard, but not everyone can afford medical school, nor are they inclined to."
"A privileged life allowed her to get into med school, which is a difficult feat in and of itself, one made MUCH easier through money, AND her father’s connections. NTA." ~ GodsGiftToNothing
"I am a dental hygienist, but I always so badly wanted and dreamed of going to dental school."
"Got my university degree in sciences after graduating hygiene, built a stellar portfolio so I could apply and everything... the whole 9 yards."
"However the cost of dental school and the stress that it would’ve put on me is what held me back."
"Even after being accepted, the reality that the cost just for tuition was 250K+ for 4 years terrified me."
"I’m not sure if I would’ve even gotten the loan, because I never even tried."
"The stress that I could potentially fail out at any point."
"And be left with hundreds of thousands in debt without the job to support paying it back shook me so hard that I basically '*itched' out, in my opinion."
"Reality sucks, and if my family was rich I’m sure I wouldn’t have had these worries."
"I regret not pushing myself beyond my fears and going for it, but it just seemed so infeasible in my life then and even now."
"Sorry for the rant, 100% NTA, I understand where you are coming from, and have so much respect for you for becoming a veterinarian." ~ borntobemybaby
"I wanna start by saying that she is absolutely NTA, her friend sounds awful."
"Nurses are absolutely vital to the healthcare team and making sure everything is running smoothly."
"They're the ones who're at the bedside the entire time and know what's going on at any given moment with the patient."
"I do wanna say, I think most doctors are just as compassionate as any P[atient]'s A[ssistant] or N[urse] P[ractitioner]."
"The difference is in the patient load which means they have way less time to actually spend at the bedside with you, compared to the PA or NP that assists them."
"Good doctors hate insurance companies and don't want you getting unnecessary procedures at all, just like good PAs and NPs."
"It's a difference in role, and that's why you'll see the nursing staff or PAs or NPs around more."
"I'm so sorry that you've had a shi**y experience with the doctors you've seen, and I hope that the next doctor you see (if/when you see one) will be more empathetic and available for you." ~ jaskiwhere
"Nurses KNOW when you look down on them, and treat you accordingly."
"They can absolutely make your life difficult if they don't like you, and I'll bet they don't like Ellie."
"She's making her job harder by being a *ick."
"Also, lots of nurses are nurses because medical school is really expensive."
"And doesn't leave a lot of opportunity for part-time work etc, which can be very difficult if you're supporting yourself."
"Doesn't mean they're any less intelligent than anyone else. NTA." ~ Latvian_Goatherd
"Your friend probably has little hope of seeing how privileged she is."
"Few people who lead lives of privilege see the privilege they've had their whole lives."
"In fact, they feel like they are being discriminated against if they experience things that other people experience every day."
"Also, I'm sure that she had to work very hard to make it through medical school and most of her peers were people who had those same privileges."
"It's part of the problem... medical schools don't really select for empathy and compassion."
"When you only select people who have never had an opportunity to fail and have to pick themselves up again or not be the top at something."
"That's what you end up with." ~ super_bluecat
"NTA. There are plenty of people who are intelligent enough for medical school but can only dream of becoming doctors due to classist barriers in place."
"A lot of medical schools have rules against students having jobs during their studies."
"Ellie sounds naive and sheltered."
"Her comment was extremely rude and unnecessary."
"Nurses are literally essential for medical establishments to function."
"If she keeps this attitude up at work, she's not going to have many friends."
"Unfortunately, when it comes to higher education, intelligence and hard work frequently aren't enough so her comment isn't even true." ~ GreenRedCrescent
"ESH. Ellie for obvious reasons, the comment was rude and the world will set her straight pretty quick with that attitude."
"But I get the sense OP has invested too much energy in assessing Ellie’s 'privilege' and comparing it to herself and others."
"That’s a silly way to go through life."
"Ellie shouldn’t be faulted that her parents worked hard to provide for her and she still made the effort to develop her own career path in a difficult field."
"Saying she got there on handouts is no different than the comment Ellie originally made."
"Two wrongs don’t make a right." ~ AlarmedRate2003
"NTA .I worked 35 to 40 hours a week when I was in college."
"I would have done so much better if I didn't have to work but that's not how life works."
"Sounds like she shouldn't be working around children." ~ Slowburner_
Well OP, Reddit understands your frustration with Ellie.
Nurses are just as important as doctors.
Why is this struggle of belief still an issue?
Ellie is still going to Ellie.
You do you.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.