A huge red flag is when a significant other isolates their partner from their loved ones. Being the only person there for them makes it hard for people to leave an abusive relationship. It is all more complicated if it involves children.
If you or your friend are struggling with this, make sure they know people are here to support them.
Redditor beaucoupcheese encountered this very issue with their friend. So they turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
AITA for calling my friend’s husband a jerk?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“A friend of mine got married few years ago and moved to a small town for her husband.”
“Then a few months into the marriage, she got pregnant and was asked to quit her job to be a SAHM. She would often tell me she’s miserable because she is away from her family, friends, no career, and no help from her husband with baby.”
“Apparently he told her he will work to provide financially but it is her job to take care of things at home. Which she told me she never agreed to, but the reality was they don’t have anyone else to take care of the baby so she did what she had to.”
“She also told me he only works 2 weeks every month (has every other week off), but refuse to help her with the baby because of the ‘agreement’ they had about splitting duties.”
“Because she lives 2+ hours (each way) away, we don’t see her as often. She’d visit every 2-3 months, but always has her baby with her because he won’t take care of the baby even for just a day, even if he’s free at home, because ‘his time is his own, or with his buddies.'”
“I am frustrated for her but I understand it is not my business to get involved in anyone’s martial affairs, so whenever she vents, I just listen but doesn’t comment.”
“Seeing how much she struggles whenever she visits, for the past two years I’ve been visiting her. I do work full-time so I was only able to visit her once every two weeks or so.”
OP has tried to be there for her friend.
“For the past few months I’ve been going through a pretty rough personal patch, I’ve also started my MBA and got a puppy so my schedule has been pretty hectic, and as a result I was only able to visit her once a month since.”
“Last week her husband texted me asking how come I’ve been visiting less. I explained to him I have a lot going on right now and I’ll do my best to visit as often as I can.”
“He told me he had to deal with my friend being moody around the house because she hasn’t been able to spend time with her friend and has ‘no one but herself.'”
“A few days later I get a call from him asking me to visit this weekend and stay the weekend, because him and his buddies are planning a fishing trip. When I told him I couldn’t, he got upset and called me a low-effort and selfish.”
“I told him if he wants to go on a trip, that’s something he should talk to my friend about and this isn’t on me.”
“He then said, and I quote ‘it’s not like you have family obligation so why can’t you make time for your friend.'”
“I finally snapped and told him he has 2 weeks free from work every month so he needs to make time and he’s a selfish jerk for putting this on me.”
“After I hung up, I felt bad because I don’t know if he’s going to redirect the anger toward my friend. WITA for calling him out?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. She needs to run.” ~ Alchladaltrbys
“NTA but at this point, I think you need to be doing more to help and protect your friend. It was one thing to just sit and listen to her vent without interfering, but he’s dragged you into their marital problems by trying to place the responsibility of his wife’s happiness on you.”
“It may be the case that she’s been wanting to leave for a while but has no help and no opportunities to do so, perhaps her venting to you has been her way of seeing whether you would be able and willing to help her leave. Talk to her, see what she wants to happen, and even if she wants to stay with him, offer her an exit plan for if she changes her mind.” ~ soundlikebutactually
“NTA. So, let me get this straight. He’s isolated her, refuses to help with THEIR child, goes out with his buddies whenever he wants but she doesn’t get a break.”
“I’d call that controlling, narcissistic, abusive behavior.”
“I would have a serious talk with your friend. Let her know that if and when she wants to leave, you’ll help her. Give her the resources she needs to see what’s happening to her. She’s being abused and she needs to get out. I hope you can be there for her. She and her baby are going to need a lot of help, counseling and a good lawyer.” ~ LoveBeach8
“NTA. He has no business telling you what to do with your time. I hope your friend gets the courage and wherewithal to leave his dumb ass.” ~ Spank_Cakes
“NTA – Talk to your friend about this. Let her know what you said to him. Tell her you’re deeply sorry if what you said caused him to be angry with her. And most importantly, let her know you are and always will be there for her if she decides she’s had enough of his bs.” ~ notthatwon
“NTA. Entitled pricks like that boil my piss! I honestly can’t imagine living with someone like that, this poor woman! Such a hardship for this father to still live a responsibility free life and drain his partner, his equal, if everything and then moving the responsibility onto friends.”
“I’d definitely say you’re not the asshole, hopefully your friend will take some victory that she has someone in her corner, it’s like he got to 17 and stopped maturing.”
“I hope she’s okay and soon realizes she doesn’t need this man and will be much better off without. Both her and the kid. The kid doesn’t need to grow up thinking that treating people like that, or even worse being the one treated like that, is okay.” ~ Wardlewyn
OP’s friend needs to take a hard look at her relationship.