A huge red flag is when a significant other isolates their partner from their loved ones. Being the only person there for them makes it hard for people to leave an abusive relationship. It is all more complicated if it involves children.
If you or your friend are struggling with this, make sure they know people are here to support them.
Redditor beaucoupcheese encountered this very issue with their friend. So they turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
They asked:
AITA for calling my friend's husband a jerk?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A friend of mine got married few years ago and moved to a small town for her husband."
"Then a few months into the marriage, she got pregnant and was asked to quit her job to be a SAHM. She would often tell me she's miserable because she is away from her family, friends, no career, and no help from her husband with baby."
"Apparently he told her he will work to provide financially but it is her job to take care of things at home. Which she told me she never agreed to, but the reality was they don't have anyone else to take care of the baby so she did what she had to."
"She also told me he only works 2 weeks every month (has every other week off), but refuse to help her with the baby because of the 'agreement' they had about splitting duties."
"Because she lives 2+ hours (each way) away, we don't see her as often. She'd visit every 2-3 months, but always has her baby with her because he won't take care of the baby even for just a day, even if he's free at home, because 'his time is his own, or with his buddies.'"
"I am frustrated for her but I understand it is not my business to get involved in anyone's martial affairs, so whenever she vents, I just listen but doesn't comment."
"Seeing how much she struggles whenever she visits, for the past two years I've been visiting her. I do work full-time so I was only able to visit her once every two weeks or so."
OP has tried to be there for her friend.
"For the past few months I've been going through a pretty rough personal patch, I've also started my MBA and got a puppy so my schedule has been pretty hectic, and as a result I was only able to visit her once a month since."
"Last week her husband texted me asking how come I've been visiting less. I explained to him I have a lot going on right now and I'll do my best to visit as often as I can."
"He told me he had to deal with my friend being moody around the house because she hasn't been able to spend time with her friend and has 'no one but herself.'"
"A few days later I get a call from him asking me to visit this weekend and stay the weekend, because him and his buddies are planning a fishing trip. When I told him I couldn't, he got upset and called me a low-effort and selfish."
"I told him if he wants to go on a trip, that's something he should talk to my friend about and this isn't on me."
"He then said, and I quote 'it's not like you have family obligation so why can't you make time for your friend.'"
"I finally snapped and told him he has 2 weeks free from work every month so he needs to make time and he's a selfish jerk for putting this on me."
"After I hung up, I felt bad because I don't know if he's going to redirect the anger toward my friend. WITA for calling him out?"
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. She needs to run." ~ Alchladaltrbys
"NTA but at this point, I think you need to be doing more to help and protect your friend. It was one thing to just sit and listen to her vent without interfering, but he's dragged you into their marital problems by trying to place the responsibility of his wife's happiness on you."
"It may be the case that she's been wanting to leave for a while but has no help and no opportunities to do so, perhaps her venting to you has been her way of seeing whether you would be able and willing to help her leave. Talk to her, see what she wants to happen, and even if she wants to stay with him, offer her an exit plan for if she changes her mind." ~ soundlikebutactually
"NTA. So, let me get this straight. He's isolated her, refuses to help with THEIR child, goes out with his buddies whenever he wants but she doesn't get a break."
"I'd call that controlling, narcissistic, abusive behavior."
"I would have a serious talk with your friend. Let her know that if and when she wants to leave, you'll help her. Give her the resources she needs to see what's happening to her. She's being abused and she needs to get out. I hope you can be there for her. She and her baby are going to need a lot of help, counseling and a good lawyer." ~ LoveBeach8
"NTA. He has no business telling you what to do with your time. I hope your friend gets the courage and wherewithal to leave his dumb ass." ~ Spank_Cakes
"NTA - Talk to your friend about this. Let her know what you said to him. Tell her you're deeply sorry if what you said caused him to be angry with her. And most importantly, let her know you are and always will be there for her if she decides she's had enough of his bs." ~ notthatwon
"NTA. Entitled pricks like that boil my piss! I honestly can't imagine living with someone like that, this poor woman! Such a hardship for this father to still live a responsibility free life and drain his partner, his equal, if everything and then moving the responsibility onto friends."
"I'd definitely say you're not the asshole, hopefully your friend will take some victory that she has someone in her corner, it's like he got to 17 and stopped maturing."
"I hope she's okay and soon realizes she doesn't need this man and will be much better off without. Both her and the kid. The kid doesn't need to grow up thinking that treating people like that, or even worse being the one treated like that, is okay." ~ Wardlewyn
OP's friend needs to take a hard look at her relationship.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.