Having a partner you love is an incredible gift, and a gift potentially that can keep on giving with marriage and a growing family.
But when one of the partners dies, the other partner has the tremendous responsibility of processing grief and maintaining the life that's left behind.
Others can be overly opinionated about how the partner should do that, according to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor SmellerBeeew found himself reacting after being criticized by future family for how he was raising his kids.
Because of their feedback, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he had overreacted.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for losing it with my fiancée's parents?"
The OP raised his children mostly alone.
"My fiancée's parents were visiting Saturday and I ended up losing it with them Saturday night after they brought up a subject that's kind of sore within my relationship."
"Relevant background: My late wife passed away when our daughter was 2 and our son was 4 (they are now 13 and 15)."
"It was just me and them for 7 years and then I met my fiancée."
This influenced the OP's kids' relationship with his fiancée.
"Four years later my fiancée lives with us and we're (obviously) engaged."
"My kids have no issues with her but they're not... all that invested in building a closer relationship with her."
"I see it as they treat her like they're adults who have a recently remarried parent. Civil, friendly, but not overly close or parental. And maybe not even close in the family sense."
"I have asked my kids about it and they say they're good with how things are between them and it doesn't feel right to act like she's their mom or anything."
"It bothers my fiancée a bit but she knows not to push."
"I have told my kids it's okay to be close to her, they don't need to see her as a mom to be close and love her, but even if they did, it wouldn't be bad. That their mom would want the best for them, no matter what that is."
"They said they know but they don't feel it and don't want a mom-like relationship with her or anyone else really, except their grandma's, who kinda fill the maternal role for them (and they do an awesome job)."
"My fiancée's family has expressed that it bothers them that the kids don't treat her more like a mom."
The feelings came out during a recent visit.
"But Saturday her parents really went hard on me not teaching them right and bringing them up to show no respect to parental figures."
"They also said they should see that blood doesn't make a family or a parent, love does, and I obviously didn't teach them."
"My fiancée told them to stop but I was getting tired of it and made some more lemonade in an attempt to cool off."
"Then they said I was going to crush their daughter and make her miserable if I couldn't give her a family who love and want her around."
"I ended up losing it and telling them they have no right to judge me or my parenting."
"That I'm a good dad and my kids are good kids and nobody can force anything, but it's not like I wouldn't love things to be perfect but real life rarely is."
"They said if I feel that way, I obviously never got over my late wife."
"My fiancée kicked them out."
"They said I had been rude and told her I would not make a good husband to her."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some advised distancing from the parents-in-law or setting up new boundaries.
"NTA - your in-laws are correct, blood doesn't make family, but you also can't force someone to be family if they don't want to be."
"Your kids are respectful to your fiancée and your relationship with her. Trying to force them into seeing/treating your fiancée as their mum will probably do more harm to their (and your) relationship than it will good."
"They need to stop sticking their noses where they don't belong and mind their own. It's good to see that your fiancée is on your side with this issue." - TooTall2Function
"Sounds like you've got things handled in a rational and thoughtful manner. The future in-laws have no idea what they're talking about, demanding that the kids suddenly 'feel' differently (the heck?!?)."
"Here's a thought: if the future in-laws are so convinced that others' 'feelings' are that easily persuaded, why not tell them to prove it by quickly changing their minds on how your kids related to their daughter?" - VLdemon3
"NTA, but it's time for your fiancee to lay down the law with them: they're the only ones causing tension and unhappiness in the relationship right now."
"And if they can't back off and let her manage things with you and the kids like the adult and head of her own household that she is, they shouldn't expect to see her for a while - because they've clearly confused 'love' with 'unquestioning obedience,' and that's not the example she wants to set as a parent or stepparent." - mm172
Others said it was refreshing to see the OP's fiancée siding with him.
"NTA And your fiancee is awesome for sticking up for you and your kids. Maybe they don't love her like a mother, but they definitely see her treating them with empathy and respect. She's built a strong foundation for a relationship that might not look exactly like motherhood, but will grow into something unique and beautiful on its own." - apatheticsahm
"NTA! Most of the time the fiancée/new spouse in these situations side with their family and believe they have 'earned' the right to be treated like a parent."
"It seems like his fiancée knows the score. The kids aren't interested in having a second/bonus mom. And although I'm sure that does hurt and she is allowed to feel disappointed, she knows she can't push the kids to treat/view her as a mom figure to them. These things can't be forced, and she has accepted that."
"If the ILs are going to push this topic, then his fiancée really needs to set boundaries with them. Especially if they start making comments to the kids directly about calling their daughter mom, or saying she is their mom. Only the kids can decide that." - p3ttyb3ttie
"It is so refreshing to read one of these types of problems where the fiancée is siding with their partner from the horrible parents, instead of trying to get them to see it from their side. This is a sign that you've found someone really amazing."
"NTA - Speak to your fiancée about limiting contact, or even no contact with them to protect your family from them." - ElectricMoccoson
A few recommended the OP be mindful of his fiancée's feelings.
"NTA - they were completely out of line. It's a tough road. It's awesome you are having open conversations with the kids, letting them set the pace, as forcing issues will never help."
"At the same time, please don't take her feelings for granted as I am sure it will be a difficult road, in the long run, to be doing all the things a mom would do without much beyond polite in return/reward."
"Yes, hopefully, they will come around, but they might never, and while that is totally ok for them, it will be very rough on her..."
"Maybe consider you two going to some counseling or mediation to ensure that you have a good plan for her (and you) to navigate having to be a parent in this situation as neither of you want the next 10 years to be 'nope, sorry, won't do that, you're not my mom' and them then running to you. Nor would you want her 'disconnecting' from them, especially if you are considering having more kids."
"Even bringing them in on some sessions to have some agreed-upon baselines. Keep in mind (or ask parents of older kids), things/attitudes can drastically change when kids hit those teen years, and/or with new kids in the mix, so being proactive now is probably best." - Babsgarcia
"NTA. In any way, shape, or form. You are absolutely right to make sure that any relationship between your children and partner is based on what works for them."
"This idea that if you marry someone with a child then you automatically fill a parental role is outdated and unrealistic. As long as your partner and your children are both happy with the way things are then her parents can poke their noses out."
"That being said, make sure your partner isn't relegated to an observer position in the household."
"If she is marrying you, then the home will be as much hers as it yours and your children. The glue that binds a blended family is the birth parent, and it will be on you to ensure that everyone's needs are met." - walnutwithteeth
The subReddit was supportive of the OP and his fiancée and how they were navigating the situation as a couple.
The parents-in-law did not receive so much support, however, as they seemed to invite more complications and ill feelings into the family, rather than acceptance, love, and patience.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp