Building boundaries for children can be an important part of their upbringing.
They have to learn no means no.
Some things around the house and in life are simply off limits until they're a certain age.
But not all parents seem to agree with this sentiment.
Redditor BigMamaO wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTA if I change the password on my PS5 so my husband can't play it?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a gamer girl."
"I've owned every P[lay]S[tation] system since 1."
"When the PS5 came out, I saved up to buy it for myself."
"Unboxing it, I explained to my children (then 2, 5, and 6) that it is mine, and they are not allowed to play it."
"I have it mounted to the wall 7 feet off the ground, and they understand they can't play it."
"I found out my husband has been allowing them to play G[rand] T[heft] A[uto] V on it while I'm at work."
"I told him to stop, but he continually called me selfish for wanting something the kids can't play with."
"Telling me I am an a**hole because it should be a family entertainment system and it's for kids anyway."
"I again told him, as a mother, that my children have all they need. They have broken 4 Nintendo Switches, and everything they touch becomes sticky."
"I have one thing for just me, and that's allowed."
"He has been messaging me repeatedly, telling me that I'm so wrong for keeping it from them, gaming is apparently a huge part of their development… they do play games on tablets, phones, and computers like Minecraft, Roblox, and Pokémon."
"Age-appropriate games, all of my PlayStation games are essentially F[irst]-P[erson] S[hooter] games that are not age-appropriate anyway."
"I told him if it happens again, I will change the password so he can't play it."
The OP was left to wonder:
"WIBTA if I do?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I've let my kid 'Play' GTAV, but only offline mode, and I've never encouraged her to do any missions… for her it's always been an opportunity to 'drive' and 'walk' around in cities that aren't real, and see how they are… she's done the same in the AC game series as well."
"I prefer those, personally, because especially in the newer ones, they've added an educational/exploratory mode with no combat."
"All that being said, NTA for having boundaries about your personal property and enforcing them…particularly if your kids are actually participating in the violent content in games." ~ bloodfeier
"Your husband is racking up 'cool Dad' points by letting the kids play the 'forbidden' PS5."
"What else has he been letting the kids do that 'bad Mom' doesn't let them do?"
"100% change the damn password."
"Lock the controllers in a box."
"Don't bluff stuff like this."
"Just do it, otherwise your husband will continue to think your threats are hollow and you'll just roll over anyway."
"If he protests, and he will, and calls you over dramatic or whatever, tell him he's throwing a child's temper tantrum, and if he doesn't want to be treated like a child, he should start acting like a man and your husband."
"If he wants the kids to be able to play GTA so bad, he can go get them a PS5 they'll immediately break."
"Also, what's with your kids breaking stuff so easily?"
"Are these full-blown Switches or Switch Lites?"
"What did they do to the PS4?"
"All you have to do is turn it on (unless it's all disc-based games and I can see that drive and/or the discs getting borked fast)." ~ jmking
"NTA, but with everything happening on it, get them off Roblox." ~ BeckaPL
"No kids should be playing GTA at 6 years old, period. NTA." ~ Iamstryker
"NTA. If he cares so much, he can buy them their own console to share."
"Your things are yours."
"He can't dictate who gets to use it, especially when you paid for it yourself." ~ Vegetable-Cheetah850
"Yes, 100% fair."
"Noting that, though - it feels like this is your real issue?"
"That your husband doesn't understand this and is crossing lines you've tried to draw here."
"Changing the password won't resolve this - he still won't understand."
"You need to talk to him so that he does actually gets it." ~ Exciting-Ad-5858
"NTA, and you need to have a chat about how your kids will develop if their mom and dad can't get on the same page."
"Undermining you and talking down about your decisions to your kids isn't doing any favors for their future or the future of your marriage." ~ Doublewhiskeyrocks
"Setting aside the inappropriateness of GTA for kids that age."
"If the concern is them breaking things, then why not just get them their own controllers?"
"It's already mounted well out of reach."
"They're not going to break anything by just playing a game on it."
"Set up a separate kids' profile to restrict what games they can play."
"And this way, anything they do on it will have zero effect on your profile or games." ~ GiraffeParking7730
"NTA, and what the f**k is wrong with your husband?"
"NOT his console!" ~ West_House_2085
"As another gamer parent, NTA."
"Change your password and tell your husband to buy them a console if he wants them to be able to play it so badly."
Video games or otherwise, parents should be allowed to have things that are off limits for kids who don't understand how not to break things." ~ BlademasterBanryu
"NTA. How old are your kids?"
"By your description, I am guessing fairly young."
"Most kids have zero business on a game like GTA."
"I'd be mad about that to begin with."
"I don't think changing the password is the right answer."
"This goes much deeper than that."
"I do agree that gaming systems should be enjoyed by the family IF and ONLY if they are treated properly AND there are age-appropriate games on them."
"Neither of these cases is met, and the disrespect from him is not OK." ~ thechaoticstorm
"NTA. Your husband should respect your boundaries of what you have set for your kids."
"But by doing this, it also undermines what authority it shows you have over them because if they don't like what you say, they can just go to day and fix it."
"Your husband is the one being selfish, it seems, because while you are at work, he is the one who is supposed to be with the kids and uses the PS5 as a babysitting tool instead, because it keeps their attention span longer than the other games."
Personally, I would change the password and have a talk with your husband on why you did this, because it really is setting up other issues besides just not age-appropriate games being played." ~ No_Use_For_A_Name24
"I have 3 kids, 3,7,10."
"As someone who grew up on GTA, I'm not letting them play it till they understand the world more."
"It's just not a kids' game."
"However, I have a series X that I rarely let my kids touch because I've seen their controllers and they are disgusting."
"My solution is to make them use their own controllers and their own accounts, which are kids' accounts, and we can monitor what they play, who they can and cannot talk to, store purchases, as well as screen time."
"They also have their own series in their rooms."
"They, too, have switches, and most of the time they're dead or lost."
NTA, but get them their own accounts and controllers." ~ AccomplishedLet1889
"NTA. The husband is."
"He should respect your boundaries and needs to be on the same page here."
"Otherwise things are going to get messy... lol."
"For example, personally, nobody touches my personal computer."
"Nobody. I'd lose my s**t if my wife or kids touched it because they just break things or don't respect my space."
"So I completely understand here." ~ _lefthook
"NTA, take the controller to work with you... lol."
"These things aren't cheap and are costly to replace."
"I'm a gamer myself, but I would disagree heavily that gaming is a 'huge part of their development.'"
"Maybe your husband should include them in HIS hobbies more and let them put their sticky fingers all over his personal belongings..." ~ YDGxx
OP came back to chat...
"ETA: The console is in my husband's and my bedroom."
"I play it when they are sleeping… they had my old PS4 in their room and broke it as well."
"It's not in a shared part of the house, taunting them all day… my husband doesn't really play video games, but I've never had an issue with him using it, but have always told him it's not for everyone to play."
"ETA: Before showing him this post's comment thread, he did apologize for calling me selfish."
"Still won't apologize for letting them play it, though."
"He said since I share it with him, he should be allowed to share it with them."
"I disagree, which is why it is out of sight for them and in our personal space."
"I appreciate all the comments, even those with a different opinion from mine."
"I'd also like to add that I in no way am blaming my kids for this; it's my husband I was upset with."
"After talking to my kids about the situation, they made me feel so much better. "
"They told me they didn't ask to play it, they don't think about it at all."
"They aren't upset that I have something they can't use."
"I share everything with them, and my daughter (9) said, 'You're allowed to have your own hobby.'"
"They're really sweet kids for real."
It's great that you were able to find a resolution to this situation, at least with your kids.
Your husband needs to get with the program.
Reddit has your back, OP.
Hopefully, after reading this, he'll have a better understanding.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp